


Fight or Flight

by lisajames85



Category: Stingers (1998)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-13 20:01:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 133,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7984345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lisajames85/pseuds/lisajames85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set two years after the season five finale - original cast. Written in 2015. Former Detective Senior Sergeant Ellen Mackenzie returns to Melbourne with all the best intentions of making amends, but life has moved on for Peter, Angie and Danni...or has it? Everyone struggles with their past, but will Mac's return, and the secret she still carries, be enough to bring the team back together? [Drama, rated M]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

ONE

Ellen Mackenzie looked up from the magazine when her name was called. The psychologist, a Dr Hunter, smiled at her from over the top of her file, as he stood in the open doorway to his office and gestured for her to come inside. Ellen returned his smile, and returned the magazine to the coffee table that sat in the middle of the small waiting area, empty but for the receptionist cordoned off behind her tall desk in the other corner.

“It’s nice to see you again,” Dr Hunter said. He stepped back to allow Ellen into his office ahead of him, and shut the door. Ellen cleared her throat and smoothed her clammy hands down the front of her thighs. She had selected the nicest and newest clothes she currently owned; dark tights, a red woolen tunic beneath a tailored black jacket, and black boots. It was the only outfit that was at least partly suited to the occasion and the weather, and she had gone shopping for it as soon as she returned to the chilly Melbourne autumn a week earlier.

She tucked her dark brown hair behind her ears and pressed her lips together expectantly. Her heart was beating quickly in her chest and she ordered herself to stay calm. This appointment was routine, after all, and just because she was sitting in the chair opposite Dr Hunter, it did not mean she was obligated to make a decision either way. Not yet. She had time. 

“So, it’s been two years I see,” Dr Hunter began once he was seated behind his desk with her paper file open in front of him. “That’s a significant period of leave.”

“Yes,” Ellen replied simply. It felt like she had been away for much, much longer, and yet she could not shake her own sense of gratitude in coming home. Having stood at the entrance to Southern Cross Station and looked out over the city, it was easy to pretend she had only been gone for a matter of days. 

“Your leave entitlements have run out?” Dr Hunter asked. 

Ellen pressed her lips together briefly as she thought about how to answer that. It was an odd first question, meant to throw her off balance? It was not as though she was putting herself through this appointment just because she had run out of excuses not to come back to her old life and reclaim her identity. Although, just maybe, she was. Had she been lazy? She didn’t want it to sound like that.

“Leave-wise I took my long service leave at half-pay which worked out to be about five months, and I did apply for and was granted the ability to extend my leave and be paid out of my sick and recreational leave. These last six months have been unpaid. I hadn’t run out of leave; that was my decision to hold onto the remainder, when I decided there was a possibility of…and a possible desire there, to return.”

“Mm, so in nearly thirteen years of service you pretty much never took a holiday,” Dr Hunter remarked with a small smirk. Ellen shook her head simply.

“A week here or there. My work in undercover didn’t really allow for it. My colleagues were the same, we all worked incredibly hard.”

“And what was the impetus for your leave?” he asked her. 

Ellen sighed. She wanted to say it had been a giant brain explosion, a total mind-fuck, but instead she leant back in her chair and simply said, “Burnout”.

“One of your colleagues was killed on the job?”

“Yes,” she answered. He should have had all the information in front of him, and Ellen was not about to start explaining just how complicated the entire situation in undercover had become prior to her departure. 

“What happened there?” Dr Hunter asked. 

“Uh, one of my constables was shot multiple times and killed. I can’t release his name or any of the specifics to you, other than what you’ve probably been provided with.” Ellen hesitated, sighed again, but continued talking before Dr Hunter had the chance to ask her how Oscar’s death had made her ‘feel’. She had an honours-level social science degree with a major in criminal justice; she knew how it worked. “Look,” she added calmly and seriously. “That really was the last straw at the time. I didn’t handle it well. I felt, and I still feel, incredibly responsible for that event.”

“You couldn’t have prevented it,” he said. 

“Maybe not,” Ellen conceded, rightly or wrongly. “But I consider this man a friend, we had worked together many years, and as the unit’s senior officer it fell to me to make sure that he was protected. He fell at my feet.”

“Do you think much about him?”

“Every day.”

“And you’ve taken two years off.”

“Yes,” Ellen said. “After that incident, I was unsure whether or not the police was a career I wished to continue with. I needed some space, and I certainly needed a holiday.” 

“You remained a registered officer? Detective Senior Sergeant Mackenzie?”

“Yes,” Ellen said with a muted smile as she sat a little straighter in her chair.

“How have you been keeping busy?”

“I travelled,” Ellen said. “I met a man and had a relationship. I spent time with family in Sydney and did a few short courses there in photography and painting.”

“Sounds wonderful,” Dr Hunter said with a somewhat jealous smile that Ellen indulged him in with a casual shrug of her shoulders. 

Her deep blue eyes twinkled as she admitted, “For the most part, it was”.

“So why are you here?” he asked simply. 

This was it, Ellen thought as she opened her mouth to speak. 

This was the moment when she needed to give her long, over-rehearsed speech to the police shrink about how prepared and recovered and committed she was to the job. She was a Detective Senior Sergeant with an exemplary record of policing and leadership, and she didn’t see herself as being anything else, she couldn’t. Yes, she had burnt out and needed to take leave but that had happened in the wake of extraordinary and traumatic circumstances. Her absence had not steered her away from the job, it was her calling, and Ellen was refreshed, a more balanced and well-rounded person, and ready to return after a much-needed and well-deserted hiatus. 

Somehow, it was always going to sound a million times better in her head. If only her friends were still around to call out, ‘bullshit’.

*

“Ah, lookie-who,” Peter Church said with a grin as he approached the blonde woman sitting on his front stoop. “I know you have a key and you’re not afraid to use it, so what are you doin’ out here?” he asked.

“I was admiring the back of this ‘For Sale’ sign,” Angie Piper replied. She already had a beer from his fridge in her hands, and she watched Peter lower himself down beside her. He groaned dramatically, and Angie chuckled. “Showing your age, Church,” she teased of her forty-four year old colleague. 

“I’m sorry, which one of us is going to be asking for a hand up in twenty minutes?”

“Details, details,” Angie said with a wave of her hand, playfully quoting their old friend despite the fact that every time her soul heard even the slightest whisper of Oscar Stone’s name in her thoughts she shivered and her stomach turned. 

Angie leant back and supported herself on the concrete step with one hand and an outstretched arm propping her up. 

“You’re right though,” she added, much to Peter’s delight. He chuckled, but Angie added, “I can’t believe I’m thirty-three. What the Hell happened?”

“A whole lot of unreal craziness?” Peter suggested. 

Angie snorted. ‘Unreal craziness’ was not exactly how she would put it. There had been nothing fantastical about the past two years, or the seven years before that. Work had been busy, sure; most of the time it was all-consuming and tiring and exciting and frightening and satisfying. It was controlled chaos, but it wasn’t crazy. For Angie, and she knew for Peter as well, it had all been far too real. 

“I know it was my suggestion, but I can’t believe you’re really selling this place,” she whispered, overcome with an unexpected wave of grief. 

Peter had owned the industrial home for as long as Angie could remember. When she first began working with him it was already a work in progress, and he had been busily renovating. He had conned the new constables, Angie and Oscar, into a painting party, ‘to help them bond as a team’. Mac had even come; their intelligent, intimidating, second-in-charge at the time, Detective Sergeant Ellen Mackenzie. 

Angie remembered that Mac had worn overalls, and her thick, dark brown hair had been in a casual ponytail. Mac and Peter had then engaged in an immature display of flicking white paint at each other and cackling loudly all afternoon, while Angie and Oscar had stood bemused and worked quietly to actually finish the job. They had still been too new to their roles as operatives in the small undercover unit to feel comfortable getting involved and flicking paint at senior officers like little kids. 

At the end of the day Peter had stood back to survey his newly painted, open-plan living space and kitchen that had once been little more than a double-car garage.

‘Look at this masterpiece!’ he had said with his arms spread, as Mac wiped her white, wet-paint hands all down his back. Peter had added, ‘Angie, Oscar, I trust you with my walls, so I now trust you with my life. Well done kiddies.’

‘Excuse me, what about me?’ Mac had asked pointedly. ‘I painted!’

‘You passed the trust test a long time ago,’ he had replied. Angie remembered Peter spinning on his heels and grabbing Mac by the wrists before she could wipe more paint on his back. She had squealed but allowed him to wrestle her into an arm lock. They had both nearly pissed themselves laughing, and then suddenly Peter had let her go and they had ordered pizza.

God, that was a long time ago, Angie realised with a heavy sigh. 

“Want me to order a pizza?” Peter asked before Angie could really leave her memories behind. She found herself chuckling; at least some things hadn’t changed. 

“Yes, if you help me up.”

They wandered inside and towards the kitchen. Angie leant against the large granite island bench there and watched as Peter poured himself a sophisticated glass of red wine before he reached for the phone to order their dinner. 

Ever since Oscar was diagnosed with cancer, and then after his death, Angie had noticed Peter putting more effort into his health and wellbeing. He had been in the police a long time, he was their undercover unit’s senior operative and he wanted to continue to do that job for another ten years; or that was what he told her, anyway. 

In any case, sometime over the past year the regular beers had been substituted for an evening wine. They had started going to a kickboxing class together twice a week, he went jogging, and to top it off, they hardly ever ordered pizza anymore. Peter had discovered a love of cooking and he was good at it, better than Angie, but that night he was beyond cooking. His house was on the market. It was a huge deal. 

“Are you nervous?” she asked once he hung up from the gourmet pizza house.

Peter knew her well enough after so many years to not need an explanation.

“I’m not going anywhere, Ange,” he said. He tried to offer her a kind smile but it failed to reach his crystal-blue eyes. Peter and Mac had always had the clearest, purest blue eyes. Most people might assume that meant they couldn’t tell a lie, with eyes like that; only Angie and a few close colleagues knew how wrong they would be.

Yet when Angie and Peter were left on their own nearly two years ago they had made a promise not to hide anything from each other. They were still keeping that promise, and as though Peter chose that moment to remind her, he ran a shaking hand through his curly, golden-brown, greying hair and looked towards the front door that no one else would be coming through. Not that night, not ever. 

“Not nervous,” he said. He looked back to Angie and held her own, more clouded blue eyes. “I’m bloody terrified,” he continued. “Once I move into the new place they won’t know where I am, Ange. If Danni or…or Mac, if they were in trouble, they couldn’t find me. Or you, for that matter. You’ve already moved. This is it, this is the last place they both know where to find us.”

“Do you really think after all this time Mac or Danni are going to want to find us?” Angie asked, as gently as she could. They’d had this conversation before, many times. When she had sold her own house Peter had taken his turn to play Devil’s Advocate, and she had ended up in tears. But Angie felt as though she had moved on from all of that, she loved her new home, and she didn’t want to see Peter cry now in front of her, over old colleagues who were never coming home. It broke her heart.

“You think…they’ve really moved on?” Peter asked her. 

Angie pressed her lips together and nodded. Her lips quivered and she pressed them together and looked the other way. 

Pete sighed and leant across the bench with his right hand outstretched and a familiar, hopeful, ‘please be okay’ smile on his face. 

“Thumb war,” he ordered. 

Angie sighed and joined her right hand to his, until their fingers were curled tightly into one another’s palms. Peter spoke since the game had been his suggestion this time, but Angie knew it well; there was no ‘ready, set, go’ to kick them off. 

“Fee, fi, fo, fum, Mac and Danni have become-”

Their thumbs battled playfully and sometimes forcefully for control until one or both of them started laughing; that was a concrete rule of the game that could never be broken. Angie was the first to laugh that night, and Peter let her win. 

Her prize was to answer.

“Um,” she said, trying to think of something funny so that she could continue her good mood. “Danni is a flight attendant and Mac is a hippie!”

“A hippie,” Peter stated. “The woman who the dickheads from Armed Robbery used to call the Ice Queen.” He rolled his eyes as Angie giggled and nodded. 

“You think you can do better? Fee, fi, fo, fum, Mac and Danni have become?”

“Mac has gone back to uni and Danni is…in Adelaide.”

“What?” Angie asked with a cackle. “Adelaide? Doing what?”

“I dunno, she owns a florist or something.”

“You do know we’re talking about two accomplished policewomen here, don’t you Peter? And you have Danni arranging flowers?”

“I said she owned it! Anyway, you had Mac stoned and acting all bohemian. She was doin’ a rain dance in my head!” He huffed, but quickly sobered. “She’s thirty-seven in a few days, you know,” he mumbled. “It’s her birthday.”

“Oh really?” Angie asked. She hadn’t known that. Peter had never talked about Mac’s birthday before, and Angie immediately wondered what a thirty-seven year old Mac would look like, how she would move and sound…if she was even still alive. And if she was, what was the hold-up? Did she not care about the way she had left? Did she not care that Peter spent as much time crying because he missed her and was afraid for her, than he did crying over his best mate’s actual death? 

Screw her coming home, Angie thought. Oscar had been their best friend too, and if he couldn’t come home, then Angie didn’t want Mac to come home. Ever. 

Yet she sighed and dropped her head to the cool granite to calm down. That wasn’t true, actually. In quiet moments, in the middle of the night when she woke up in a cold sweat, she so desperately wanted Mac to come home. It seemed the game had only almost distracted them from the fact that Peter was selling his house. 

Almost. 

“Go again?” she asked hopefully. 

Opposite her, Peter grinned. He was glad that Angie had come over to keep him company, knowing he would be arriving home to see the ‘For Sale’ sign pegged into his front yard for the first time. He really did not know how he would have made it through the past two years without her. 

Some nights Peter would wake up in distress and find that Angie had even let herself in and fallen asleep on his couch, unable to sleep in her own house five blocks away, or worried about his own safety if he’d been particularly paranoid or upset the previous evening. 

If Peter was honest with himself, Angie wasn’t the woman he was aching to find curled up on his cushions like that, but then again Angie knew that all too well. He wasn’t the man she really missed, either. 

*

Ellen sat cross-legged on the double bed in the centre of her cheap but sizeable motel room. Aside from the small bathroom, which included a shower door with very old-fashioned frosted glass sliding panels, there was really only the one large space. 

On top of brown carpet sat the bed she was currently acquainted with, two side-tables, and a flatscreen television mounted on the wall directly opposite the bed. To her left, a bright red armchair was squeezed between the bed and the window that overlooked the inner city suburban street, and to her right there was the door to the bathroom and a small, tiled kitchen area, with a bench, a microwave, a fridge and even an electric stove. She had never been a great cook, but she had been able to make some modest meals for herself, boiling vegetables and rice and so forth. 

At the axis between the kitchen area, the entrance to the bathroom and the carpeted bed and living space, there was a round wooden desk and two wooden chairs, and Ellen supposed it had been put there to show its dual purpose as a study desk or dining table. She was using it to dry the few clothes she had washed in the sink the night before.

Having satisfied herself for the tenth time that yes, she had chained the front door upon her return from police headquarters and the shops, Ellen returned her attention to the notebook that lay open on the bed in front of her crossed legs. The page she was paying the most attention to had started out as a ‘to do’ list for the day, and she had been meaning to sit there and cross off the boring things like ‘see shrink, buy food’ with the blue biro perched in her right hand. Instead, almost without thinking she had started to draw. 

To doodle, really, and the list had become something else. 

She breathed deeply when she realised that in blue pen she had drawn a rustic, dead-looking tree without any leaves or grass at its feet, and its trunk and branches formed the sad-looking T in a single, creatively illustrated word; Peter. 

Ellen hadn’t even realised that she had been thinking about him, but she wasn’t surprised. More consciously, she made a list beneath her drawing of her other old friends; if she ever would or could even still call them that. Angie. Oscar. Danni. 

She sketched a small church that she had drawn or painted many times next to Peter’s name – the name was Peter Church, after all – and pondered what to do about this new list she had ended up with. This wasn’t a list of things. These were people. It wasn’t going to be as simple as going to the store to buy bananas. 

*


	2. Chapter 2

TWO

Danni smiled to herself as she brushed her fingertip along one of her son’s chubby cheeks. She could not believe they were nine months old already. They were curled up together in their large cot, and Ben’s face was pressed into his brother’s neck, giving Danni easy access to his rosy cheek. They were sleeping soundly, their breaths soft and deep and in time with one another. 

Her smile widened when she heard familiar footsteps on the stairs, the squeak of running shoes and the rustling of a tracksuit-in-motion. Tony put his laptop in the upstairs study and dumped his bag of work clothes in their room, before he entered the nursery and approached her from behind. 

She had stopped looking over her shoulder with him some time ago; she had trained herself to be okay with her partner approaching her from behind, even when she was otherwise home alone at night. That night, Tony laid a warm hand on her back and she could smell his cologne mixed with sweat from his evening run. 

“Fancy finding you here, sugar,” he whispered. Danni tilted her head to the side to allow Tony to kiss her cheek. He also reached into the cot and brushed Ben’s straight, blonde hair away from his forehead. His fingers then skirted Lucas’ curly, dark hair in the same way. “How was the doctor’s?” he asked. 

“Good,” Danni said. She sighed with relief and glanced sideways to meet his warm brown eyes in the dark, the only source of light coming from the master bedroom down the hall and the nearby staircase Tony had just walked up.

“So Lucas is fine?” he asked. 

“Yep,” she assured him with a tired smile. “His heart is working perfectly, there’s no sign of the hole so the repair job they did a whole seven months ago is sticking. I was just thinking how long ago that seems now. We scheduled another check-up in six months’ time, and that will be routine now for a few years…but so far, so good. The doctor assured me that the fact he sleeps more than Ben and is so quiet is just because he’s a super chilled-out, observant little guy, like his daddy.”

“Or maybe Ben is just extraordinarily boisterous and hyperactive, like someone else I know?” Tony asked, teasing her gently as he wrapped his arms around her waist and sighed, also relieved. 

They had both expected the check-up to be a routine but they had been nervous. Frankly, they had been nervous since the day the doctor announced their newborn son would need heart surgery. Hopefully he would never need similar surgery again, but Danni often spent time watching them both sleep before she managed to get to sleep herself. She just liked watching them breathe.

“Do anything fun today?” Tony asked her as he kissed her shoulder and gently urged her with his hands to step away from the cot. It was late, and time for a quiet dinner and a chat downstairs before bed. 

“We played,” Danni answered simply. “I let them play with my handcuffs.”

“Ha-ha,” Tony said. He rolled his eyes as Danni turned to lift an imposing, daring, dark-blonde eyebrow in his direction. 

“You don’t believe me?” she challenged. 

“Nope,” he said on a whisper. He leant forward for a quick kiss before announcing he would have a shower and get dinner on. 

Danni decided to beat him to it, and she left her babies to sleep once she heard the pipes rattle and the water begin its steady drumming against the shower’s tiles. By the time Tony appeared in his flannel, Wild West pyjama pants and a white t-shirt, Danni was already laying two pork chops in a hot pan over the stove. 

“How was your day, Cowboy Tony?” she asked, grinning at the way his curly brown hair set about in all directions after a quick wash and tussle. “Did you write important articles for the big important paper today?”

“Not really,” Tony admitted. He opened the fridge in search of the spinach and tomatoes. “Salad, love?” he asked as an afterthought.

“Sounds good to me.”

“I’ve just been doing some court reporting and general beat work this week,” he continued to explain. “Melbourne’s criminal underworld has taken a few days off.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Danni said with a smirk. “You just don’t have the right sources.”

Tony gasped playfully as he emerged from the fridge with the ingredients for a quick, fresh salad. 

“What?” he asked. “But I thought I was shacked up with a copper who has intimate knowledge of the city’s most foul?”

“Had. Past tense darling.”

“For three and a half years that I know almost nothing about.”

“Ahuh,” she said. “Mostly conducted before I met you, and tomorrow I have an appointment with my counselor. I’m going to have to recall otherwise classified details with her, over and over until I want to shoot myself, so I’d really rather not regale you tonight with censored tales from the other side of the thin blue line.”

“Fair enough,” Tony said with an easygoing shrug. It was one of the things Danni loved about him. She could try to be a smartass, or throw a problem at him, and most of the time he just found a solution or moved on. Initially, she had been so scared to tell him that ‘Danni’ wasn’t her real name once she couldn’t hide it any longer, and most guys would have become over-protective or bolted. Tony just listened and said, ‘Okay. Well I still love you, so how are we going to make it work?’ 

Danni remembered asking him if he had been okay with her working covertly at least three times that night. He had answered, ‘Why wouldn’t I be? It’s your job.’

They had started planning a life together then, both coming to an understanding that if they loved each other then there was no point in waiting when they were both in their mid-thirties. That had been a big, life-altering decision that had always felt to Danni like it snowballed almost out of nowhere, yet she never got the chance to introduce Tony to her friends, and she didn’t get a chance to talk to Mac about a transfer. They would have been surprised, but happy. 

Instead, in a matter of weeks her whole existence had crumbled. Oscar was dead, gunned down in a hospital in the most traumatic of events to ever mark her life. Mac was gone. In the wake of Oscar’s death the much loved, always-dependable boss had done the unthinkable; she ran. Mac had left them without a goodbye and without a safety net. The undercover unit was found to be out of cash and out of favour. She, Peter and Angie were ‘absorbed’ by another unit based not in an anonymous, discrete location, but in police headquarters. Danni had only been in undercover for three and a bit years by then, but she had felt so exposed in that open-plan office, surrounded by other police and being asked to sit in on interrogations, revealing herself as a police officer to the people she had just conned into believing otherwise. 

She couldn’t handle the fear that came with that new aspect of the job, particularly after Oscar was murdered. She had been grieving and afraid. She’d had Tony; he understood the post-traumatic stress and that she was an emotional mess and needed help – he was there for her after hours, without fail – but he couldn’t protect her on the job and he never tried to, because she didn’t want or need him to.

Mac was another story, though. Mac had always shielded them from harm; that was her job. Interrogations had always been conducted or observed by Mac, or by representatives from Drug Squad or Homicide or whoever they were assisting by acting covertly. As Peter always said, what was the bloody point of spending weeks or months getting suspects and informants to trust them, to believe that they were somebody else, only to turn around after the arrests and basically shout, ‘Surprise, dickhead! I was a cop all along. Guess I fooled you huh? You better confess!’ 

Half of them got off, too. It wasn’t safe. Danni didn’t know how Angie and Peter could stand it, especially Peter, who had practically made undercover his career.

“Danni.”

The sound of her old name snapped her from her daydreams. Tony was smiling kindly at her. No judgement. These days he often called her Danni when she wandered off into her old little world and failed to respond to her legal name, Rachel. 

Danni had grown up as Rachel Antony and had only parted with the name professionally for a short time, but sometimes it still felt like that wasn’t really who she was. She was Constable Danni Mayo, right? Who the fuck was this Rachel chick?

The truth was, a big slice of her heart still belonged to Danni, and that was why she saw a counselor, and why she took anti-depressants, and why she watched her sons sleep and thought about how quickly her life had changed. She had been pregnant just months after transferring to Missing Persons as Constable Antony, and she and Tony had moved so quickly to build a family that they weren’t even married. How on earth had she rocketed from a bold covert operative to stay-at-home mum of twins in so short a time? Some days it didn’t even feel real. 

“Sweetheart, Danni love,” Tony urged once more. He reached out and gently touched her fingertips as they rested by the stove, an inch closer to the gas flame than they probably should have been. Woops.

Danni glanced at him with tears in her green eyes. She missed him calling her by that silly name. She had noticed that he barely called her Rachel at all anymore, and never in bed. He used a lot of pet names and ‘love’ instead. So perhaps he had also not forgotten that he had told Danni Mayo that he loved her first.

“Sorry,” she whispered. “I just went searching for a little while.”

That was how she had always described it to him, and as usual, Tony asked, “For what?”

Danni still could only shrug. She still didn’t really know, and even if she did know what she was searching for in the moments when she lost herself to her past, she didn’t think she would ever find it. Not in amongst what was now her reality. 

*

Peter was roused from his nightmare by his a strong but small hand shaking his shoulder. He rolled away from Angie and onto his stomach so that he could hide his flushed face in his damp pillow. He heard himself panting, he was doing his best not to cry, but Angie’s hand simply settled in the short hair at the base of his neck and waited until he was conscious and not so embarrassed. 

Peter knew that he shouldn’t be embarrassed, because they both dreamed and it was no big deal; in the early days Angie had always been always mortified when she woke up on his couch, draped in a blanket, with no clear memory of arriving in the middle of the night. 

“It’s okay,” she whispered, as Peter became aware of the heavy rain pelting the tin roof of his home. That was why she hadn’t gone home, he remembered. “You’re okay.” She rubbed his neck and waited for his breathing to return to normal. 

Peter wasn’t so much embarrassed that he had nightmares, he was always more ashamed of what those nightmares were about. In the light of day, objectively speaking, the angst and panic he suffered at night didn’t always seem justified.

“Wanna talk?” Angie asked quietly as she sat on the edge of his bed. Peter sighed and rolled back towards her until he lay on his side facing her. He propped himself up on an elbow that dug into his pillow, and offered her a view of his wet, tired blue eyes in the dim bedroom light. 

“Did I wake you up?” he asked.

“No,” she said without any further explanation. “So…bad dream?”

Peter snorted and nodded as he shut his eyes and used his free hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, to stop the tears and the images and the sound still ringing in his ears; the gunfire and screaming and shouting, all for him. He hadn’t been there. 

“Putting the house up for sale was a really bad idea, Ange,” he mumbled. 

“No it’s not,” Angie assured him. “Tell me what happened.”

“Um…the hospital, Oscar was shot.”

“Yes,” Angie said in a whisper. Her voice shook. That was less the work of a fantastical subconscious and more like total recall. Hospitals were meant to be safe places, but that day it hadn’t been. They’d all been there, but Peter had been the first one to get to Oscar after the shooting had stopped. He was the one who had looked into Oscar’s eyes and held his body. “Keep talking,” she told Peter. 

“I’ve had this dream before,” he admitted. “They tell me he’s dead, and I turn because I need to tell you all what’s happened, but I can’t speak and Mac comes out of a room down the hall but she turns away from us, and I try to call but she starts running. Then…then I’m here, but standing across the street. It’s raining, she’s still running, her blue shirt is all wet, and she gets to the front door and is trying to get in and she’s calling for me. She runs to the old roller door and tries to lift it, and then she darts back to the front door. She’s shouting for help, for my help, something is really wrong. I’m watching her, but I can’t get over there and let her in, and I don’t see anyone else around, but then I hear it…the guns…firing at her. It’s the same ending.”

“The same ending with you and Mac as what happened in the hospital with you and Stone?”

“Yeah,” Peter said in a choked voice. He growled at himself and lay on his back in a huff, his arms folded over his chest. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid at all,” Angie assured him. 

“She never even shouted at me like that for help before, that never happened.”

“That’s because whenever Mac got into trouble on the job it was quiet.” 

Peter glanced at Angie with a frown. She had replied too quickly. What was she talking about? Had she thought about this before? Had she had similar dreams? 

“Huh?” he asked. 

“Well generally when Mac was in trouble it was hand-to-hand combat, or like that time she had a garrote pulled to her neck, or…was it a screwdriver? Maybe both. Or that syringe. Or like when we found her unconscious. Whenever Mac was put in danger or needed us we had to be on the ball and there and paying attention, because when you think back, she really didn’t get many opportunities to scream for help.”

Peter’s heart felt like it was caught halfway up into his throat as he stared at Angie with wide eyes and an open mouth. He had never thought about it like that. 

“Do you think that means something?” he asked. 

Angie chuckled. 

“Are you going all new-age on me Church?” she asked, teasing as he rolled his eyes. “I think it means that when Mac put herself in harm’s way it was usually in the path of some of the more cunning, clever, or opportunistic perps. She didn’t work cases about running guns or stacking up on meth. We’re talking serial killers and white-collar crime and crazy, black-market organ rackets. Mostly, we got the dingbats and druggies, and Mac scored the freaks.”

“Serves her right for going to university,” Peter huffed. Angie giggled. 

“Hey,” she said. “Earlier tonight when you said Mac had gone back to uni. What did you imagine she’s studying?”

“Oh, I dunno,” Peter said with a shrug. “I didn’t think that far. I can picture her doing her masters or PhD or something, you know? But she’d probably have to do that about policing so, if she snapped, she’d be doing something totally different instead of that. Art. Photo journalism. Something trendy and creative. Edgy.”

“Edgy?” Angie asked doubtfully. “Mac?”

“Oh yeah,” Peter said under his breath. He sighed. “Do you think I always dream about her getting shot because of Oscar, or because of Alice and Christina?”

Peter couldn’t help drawing the parallels. His two previous fiancées had both been gunned down. First, there was blonde-haired and blue-eyed Alice, who Peter had always thought was the love of his life. They had both been in their twenties and planning a future together, until she was shot in a random daylight drive-by simply because she was walking the beat in her police uniform. She died instantly. 

As had Christina Rossi, the woman who years later he had proposed to despite the fact he had been undercover within her family to go after her brother for drugs and a whole range of mob-related violence. He had really loved her, or at least in hindsight he always really thought that he had loved her. 

But Peter didn’t dream about her anymore. He only ever thought about her as a way to try to make sense of his dreams about Mac. He saw Mac shot, over and over. He didn’t understand why his brain kept doing this to him, and none of the handful of shrinks he had seen in the past two years had been able to tell him how to stop it. 

“I think,” Angie whispered after a long silence. Her hand settled on his shoulder, near his heart. Her voice shook and a tear trickled out of her eye as she risked a glance at his face. “I think you dream about our old boss getting shot because of Oscar, and because you never told her how you felt, and because yeah, the women you’ve loved, the ones you’ve taken big risks on, they died in a similar way.”

“Do you think Mac’s dead?” he asked. His voice broke and he pressed his lips together to hold his emotions in. Sometimes he hated when Angie woke him up from his nightmares and wanted to talk about it. Sometimes it felt easier to bury his head under his pillow and cry himself back to sleep. He always felt better in the morning.

“No, I don’t think she’s dead,” Angie answered. “I think she ran off on a whim with that guy Gene. The art thief dealer guy.”

“Ah, see!” Peter said, familiar with the likely assumption. 

“What?” Angie asked. Peter smirked at her, feeling at least a little better. 

“Creative and edgy,” he said. He winked at her. It was an attempt to lighten both of their moods, and to get Angie out of his room so that he could go back to sleep. It worked. She got off his bed in a huff. She absolutely hated it when Peter expressed any sort of forgiveness towards their old boss; Angie wasn’t there yet.

“Goodnight Peter,” she said, grumbling a bit. “Go back to sleep.”

Peter took a deep, calming breath once he was alone. He rolled back onto his stomach and thought briefly about Alice and Christina, and what his life might have been like with each of them had they survived. And his life with Mac? He would never know. Maybe for the rest of the night he could at least choose to dream about Mac alive and safe with this Gene guy, even if he was still forced to watch from afar. 

*


	3. Chapter 3

THREE

Ellen stood in the rain beneath her dark, flimsy raincoat and buried her hands deep in her pockets. She had caught a tram from her motel to the closest stop, and had made the rest of the journey on foot. She was in the inner city’s urban-industrial fringe, and the warehouse before her looked deserted in the damp, early hours of the morning. 

There was very little lighting in the street and Ellen had stuck to the walls of the nearby buildings as much as possible. Some would have security cameras, and the odd motion-sensor light had gone on, but where she stood tucked against a mottled brick wall it was dark and relatively dry. 

She also knew from experience that she was out of range of the cameras that had once been, and perhaps still were, positioned outside the entrances to the building she was focused on. The warehouse’s roller door was still painted blue, it was a shade or two lighter than the sky even in the dark, and it was high enough to fit a truck in, and wide enough to fit two of those trucks side by side. Around the corner of that roller door there would be another door, human-sized. That was her target.

It had never looked like a police station, but for the time and in the weather it looked even less likely that it was still used that way. And of course it wasn’t; Ellen had been told about the restructuring of Covert Services at the division level. She had always known that it would happen, not that she had ever told her team. At the time, she’d had the insane notion that she was trying to protect them, to keep them together.

Of course it had worked out exactly as she’d planned. Not.

Ellen really wasn’t sure what she was doing there when she knew there would be nothing to see, but even if ‘the factory’ contained just one desk, an empty desk, she wanted to see it. She had a camera in the pocket of her jeans and it was nestled against the key she had never returned, and the lock-pick she had never lost. She wanted some kind of evidence, or documentation about what might have taken place there in the wake of her departure. No one had ever taken photos of inside except the police insurers and possibly Internal Affairs. Ellen wanted pictures for herself, if she could get up the courage to turn a light on. Either that, or she would come back in daylight.

It was sick and maybe voyeuristic, but it also felt right. She needed to do it. That building and its contents were still a part of her. Ellen could find her way around the inside of the factory in her dreams. She found people there who she could talk to, and she found quiet moments up in her office. She often woke from those dreams feeling like if only she could hold onto those memories and faces she would be okay.

She just wanted something tangible that she could hold onto.

It was risky, there probably was still some kind of surveillance, because what were the chances the warehouse had remained empty and abandoned? Surely they had new tenants. However, Ellen still felt like she wanted to go in. She wanted to break in. Maybe it was the adrenaline of standing in the dark conducting a quasi-surveillance operation on the building itself that had her blood pumping so positively. Maybe it was the feeling of actually doing something, of reconnecting. She wouldn’t get that feeling in Homicide. She didn’t think she wanted that feeling back in Covert Services. 

Those were her options. That’s what they had told her that afternoon on the phone. Dr Hunter had been happy with her interview and she had passed her health exam to the point of being certified for light duties. The Police Medical Officer was satisfied she was fit for all things office-based. Pending further medical testing and firearms testing at some point in the future to clear her for active duties, Ellen had been told that there was a position for a Detective in Homicide on the night shift, or a position in State Intelligence; a coordinating role with the Covert Services Division that she had walked away from. 

It wasn’t as though her name had changed. She was still Detective Senior Sergeant Ellen Mackenzie. If she wanted anonymity she would have to go to Homicide and start at the bottom, stuck in the office helping with paperwork and late-night phone calls and interrogations. It was grunt work and would be her punishment for two years of stress leave. If she wanted to do more, if she wanted to prove herself and stay on track for Detective Inspector and do what she did best, then she would need to face the Assistant Commissioner of Intelligence and Covert Support, and all of her peers below him who would never quite trust her to have their backs. 

No one had been able to tell her if Peter, Danni and Angie were still there either. Ellen would not be read-in and she would not be given information on covert operatives until she signed on the dotted line of a half-dozen forms and had her badge returned. If she went with Homicide, she would never be privy to that information. If she went with State Intelligence then of course she would be told, but that also meant having to face them and work with them again if they were still there, or perhaps a worse alternative would be finding out that they had left, and having no idea whether they were even happy, or particularly in Peter’s case, whether he was safe. 

It felt like an impossible decision and headquarters wanted an answer at the end of the week. It was a question of managing dead bodies versus live bait, of regular night shifts versus unpredictable day and night shifts, of getting a chance to actually interview suspects and witnesses versus mostly sitting at a computer. It was a toss-up between handling domestics-gone-bad with colleagues who didn’t know her or busting major drug rings and engaging in counter-terrorism practices with colleagues who did. It came down to whether she wanted to be a different kind of police officer, or return to being the kind she had always thought that she was. 

How the fuck was she meant to make a decision like that in a matter of days?

See Mac, Ellen told herself; this was where bullshitting in psych evaluations got her into trouble. This was why she always told her team not to do it, even though she knew they would anyway because she was doing it too. Sometimes, it worked.

But she couldn’t just stand there in the rain all night. Going into the old factory would either get her arrested, or help her make a decision. 

“Okay Mac,” she whispered. “Let’s do it.” She fingered the key and lock-pick in the damp pocket of her jeans, on the edge of her raincoat. She let herself smile, because that was the first time she or anyone else had called her Mac aloud in a long time, and it sounded nice. She had sounded proud. She wanted to be proud.

*

Ellen was stunned to discover that that there were no cameras, no motion sensors, and no electronic deadbolt. She picked the single lock beneath the small overhang that shielded her from the rain with relative ease, and there was no alarm. She silently thanked Peter for teaching her how to crack a basic lock when she arrived at the unit. He had been there for about a year by then, recruited by their old boss in an attempt to stop him going off the deep end after the death of his fiancée. The first one. Alice.

Peter wasn’t there anymore though, that was for sure. The factory was empty. It didn’t look to be in the hands of the police anymore because of the lack of security, and it certainly wasn’t being used for any other purposes. 

Beneath her raincoat, Ellen was wearing a fleece sweater, and she retrieved a small torch from one of its pockets. There was no point trying the lights or bothering with the camera on this visit, she decided, because even if the electricity was still connected it would only tip off a nearby business or a security patrol that were common passersby. General security in the area had never known what actually happened in that warehouse, though. No one had ever discovered its true purpose. 

Ellen allowed the meager light of her traveller’s torch to guide her further into the open space. Her runners were wet and made little squelching noises on the concrete, and her breath was soft and shallow. The air was stale. She took her time. 

To the right, there were no cars parked just beyond the roller doors. No surveillance van. No truck with the deceptive bread or cereal logo painted on the side. If Ellen closed her eyes she could remember their cars, all lined up. She had a sensible, mid-range sedan, parked next to Pete’s blue sports car. Oscar and Angie drove old bombs for many years, until Oscar finally upgraded, but again it was nothing fancy. Danni had driven an older model sedan too for a while, Ellen recalled.

Peter was the only one who insisted on driving a flashy car, which Ellen had never really appreciated when they worked together because she thought it stood out too much and was being driven to and from a secure location every day, but then again she understood why Peter sometimes felt the need to stand out. It was difficult, living in shadows for so many years, and he was so naturally talented at blending in.

Ellen walked straight past where the desks had once been set up – they were gone – and jogged up the few cement stairs onto the landing that led to her office and the briefing room. She stood at the railing and looked down at where her colleagues had once sat. Her free hand curled around the cool, dusty metal bar. There had been bulky computers on their desks once, alongside mounds of paperwork and, on Oscar’s desk, the surveillance equipment and electronics that he was constantly fiddling with.

She sighed and turned to open the door to her office. It was unlocked, but to her surprise she found that her desk was still there, along with her filing cabinet and the small couch that was positioned directly to her right, up against the wall and below the window that overlooked the landing. 

Ellen stepped inside tentatively and swept the room with her torch. A sheet had been thrown over the couch but her desk was bare, devoid of computers and in-trays and paperwork. She took several slow, long steps towards the filing cabinet and opened each drawer with shaking hands. They were mostly empty, but for a few scraps that had fallen out of folders amid the haste or frustration of moving. Ellen collected everything, even if it was just a stray receipt, and put them in a large, zip-lock plastic bag that she had stuffed into the back pocket of her jeans for the evening. 

Just in case she had the chance to souvenir anything. 

She felt like a scavenger, but she also felt like she was on an adventure. Exploring. It had been so long since she felt like she had genuinely explored anything. Sometimes she got that feeling when she was painting or looking through her camera’s lens, but it was different to the way that she could use her body to physically move around a new space. Or in this case, an old space. 

The drawers to her desk were all unlocked and Ellen took her time to go through them carefully. She knelt on the cold concrete floor and held her torch in her mouth as she removed all three drawers. The torch made it much easier to see into the belly of the desk and remember that she never hid anything of importance in her desk in that way, so she returned the drawers and sat back on her heels to look around. 

After a minute spent assuring herself that she would be back to quietly sit on her couch before she left, Ellen left her office and walked back down the stairs. Her torch was in her right hand, while her bag of useless treasures from the filing cabinet was clutched in her left. She crossed the empty floor to the locker rooms and grinned.

The lockers were still there, a dozen of them. Some of the doors were ajar, which meant they were unlocked, open, and had been cleaned out of anything important by their owners. Still, what was important was a subjective determination, and Ellen was keen to put her friends’ sense of importance to the test. 

She started with Danni’s locker. Her newest operative had controlled a locker towards the back, next to the locker that had the bright first aid sticker on it. Ellen decided that if she had room in her plastic bag she may as well pilfer what she could of the first aid locker at the end of her visit too, because why not? 

Danni’s locker was empty but for some blu-tack and sticky-tape left on the inside of the door, where she once had a photograph or two pinned. Ellen scanned the locker carefully, as carefully as any forensic officer, and smiled softly when she saw the glint of several long, blonde hairs caught in the upper hinge. She remembered that day; they’d all heard Danni cursing the heavens from the other side of the factory. 

Not far from Danni’s locker, Ellen easily found Angie’s storage space. Taped to the inside door was a picture from a magazine of a horse and a cattle dog that Ellen remembered well. An old birthday card from them all had fallen right to the bottom and Ellen found it upside down and abandoned. Angie’s thirtieth. Ellen put the card in the bag without reading their messages. She also found a brand new lip-gloss that had fallen beneath the card and observed it carefully before collecting that as well. 

Oscar’s locker was next, and like Danni’s it was completely empty. This was not a surprise to Ellen. Oscar wasn’t always neat, but he liked to keep everything in order and no one had noticed him slowly removing personal items from his locker in the lead-up to his death. Ellen had, because she had been watching him closely. 

She sighed, and it took a few tries before she found Peter’s locker. Catalogue pictures of his new car were taped to the inside, as well as a little black-and-white caricature sketch of himself that Ellen had never seen before. On the bottom, ‘Luna Park’ was scribbled beside a date and the artist’s initials, and Ellen quickly realised it had been done around the time that Peter had dated a nurse called Collette, who had a little daughter. They would have taken her to Luna Park on a date or family outing or whatever it was they had done at the time. Maybe they all got sketches like that.

She sighed and collected the picture as well, because when she looked past the heavily exaggerated, cartoon-like square jaw she saw the smiling, cheeky face of her old friend, the beautiful man with a big heart, piercingly clear eyes, and curly hair. 

Ellen was about to close the door on Peter’s locker when a final sweep of the shelves with her torch picked up a thin object stuck with small amounts of blu-tack, flat to the top shelf. Maybe a piece of paper? It was just at her eye-line but at the very back of the locker. Ellen returned the torch to her mouth, stood on her tiptoes, and reached into the locker to carefully retrieve it. She and Peter were about the same height, and so this was a deliberate positioning of what turned out to be a photograph.

Photographs were rare. Incredibly rare. 

It was covered in dust but thanks to the locker’s protection it wasn’t too bad. Ellen used trembling fingertips and the bottom of her fleece sweater to gently wipe away as much dust as possible, without leaving oily prints or scratching the image that was quickly revealed in the torch light.

Not surprisingly, the photograph featured Peter’s prized car, but it also featured the two of them. Ellen remembered it had been taken the very first time he drove this much talked-about blue sports car into the belly of the factory with much ado. Oscar had almost applauded he was so excited, and Peter had asked Ellen to go for a spin around the block with him. 

She had rolled her eyes and pretended like it was a horrible idea, because she was the boss by then and the position was still new to her and she had wanted the others to respect her and not to think that she gave Peter any special treatment.

‘Mac,’ Peter had said at the end of the day, when almost everyone else had gone home. ‘Come and take a photo of me with the new car, yeah? Pretty please?’ 

Oscar, or maybe Angie had still been packing up for the day, and one of them had ended up wrestling the camera from Ellen and playfully forcing her into the photo with Peter. At that stage it had been a few years since their yearlong affair had ended, and by then they had been friends and colleagues for what felt like an entire lifetime, but Ellen and Peter had still never had a proper photograph taken together. 

At the time, she wasn’t sure he realised the significance of that; was it significant? Ellen had never actually seen the photograph and had forgotten all about it. She thought she could remember Peter whispering in her ear as she grumbled and he slung an arm tightly around her waist, ‘Don’t worry Mac, I won’t develop it’. 

Yeah, sure. Mr Security Conscious would never risk brandishing a photograph of the two of them together inside a facility that no one was meant to know about. The surveillance van was even in the bloody background!

However, when Ellen turned this newly discovered photograph over in her hands to remove the blu-tack she immediately forgave Peter for that little white lie. She wasn’t sure if he had developed the photograph long ago and kept it safely in his home, or if he had chosen this photograph specifically to develop at the very last minute, but he had written on the back of it. 

He had written to her on the back of it. 

‘Elle, just in case honey, it’s all okay. Pete.’ 

The torch was still in Mac’s mouth and it was directed squarely at the back of the photograph. She read the message three times and her blue eyes filled with tears. 

She could count the number of times he had called her Ellen on one hand, let alone Elle. He had never called her honey. 

Their affair had been conducted more than seven years ago, in secret, and it had pretty much just been a ‘sex and best mates’ arrangement, if Ellen was honest with herself. There had been no room for pet names and she couldn’t remember Peter referring to her as anything other than Mac or ‘baby’, even amid the throes of passion. 

So it hadn’t been a serious relationship for him and Ellen had never interpreted it that way, because despite it going on for more than a year, as soon as she ended things to save her job and their friendship, he practically leapt into bed and proposed to Christina Rossi. Fiancée number two, also dead. The poor bugger.

Ellen sighed. She knew instinctively that Peter would not have written this message to her and taped it into his locker the week after it was originally taken. There had been no need. The photograph was nearly five years old, the affair had been old news even by then and it was around that same time he was dating the nurse. So the writing – his handwriting, in blue pen – was much more recent. 

This artifact spoke of nostalgia and reflection, and immediately it meant the world to her. Did she even need to go back to the police, now that she had this? Her heart was hammering. She could feel the tears on her cheeks and taste them on her lips, but her vision was clear and she felt strong. Safe. Not invisible. She turned the photograph back over to look into their smiling faces. She had tilted her head in towards his as they leant against the bonnet. His arm was securely around her waist. 

Ellen wished she had left something like that for Peter as well, but two years ago she had been thoughtless and numb and intent on escaping. She was an idiot, and she had been scared, and so incredibly sad and ashamed of all the things she knew and couldn’t tell them. How could she have faced them, even on paper? She had never been good at goodbyes or with expressing emotion, and Peter knew it. 

Just in case honey. Elle.

Just in case something happens to me. Just in case you come back one day. Just in case you need to see this.

It’s all okay.

*


	4. Chapter 4

FOUR

Danni jogged in the afternoon drizzle from her car to her front door with her handbag slung over one arm and a newspaper tucked under another. She couldn’t wait show Tony what she had found! She couldn’t wait to take a moment to calm her racing heart and read the article over again. She wanted to talk to him, and she was so glad he had taken a ‘daddy day’ so that they hadn’t needed a babysitter or childcare for her appointment with the counselor. He could work from home and she could take her time after getting her head shrunk to grab a coffee and chill.

She was far from chilled, though. It was an unexpected surprise.

“Tony!” she called as she pushed the front door open and kicked it shut with her foot, a trick she had perfected while pushing their long, skinny twin pram. The paper was out from beneath her arm before the lock automatically snapped shut, and she grasped it tightly as she jogged into the living area. 

Danni grinned when she heard Ben calling for her and bouncing up and down safely in his play enclosure in the far corner of the living room. He was sitting up and leaning his upper body forward, his little arms and palms supporting his weight while he watched her through the mesh. 

“Hi baby!” Danni exclaimed happily. The paper was returned to her armpit as she leant over and scooped him up with a groan. Nine months old, and they were getting heavy. “Where are daddy and Lucas?” she asked Ben as he hugged her and tugged on her hair. 

“Is that you love?” Tony called from upstairs. “Nappy change! Be right down!”

Lucas squealed then from somewhere upstairs, clearly not happy with Tony’s raised voice. 

Danni chose not to reply while Ben’s ear rested right by her mouth. Instead, she ran her free fingers through his light blonde hair and sang baby talk into his ear, which he always laughed at. Both boys were as happy and content as each other, but Ben was far more vocal about it. He moved around more, he was full of energy and he was probably the one who would start talking first, considering the constant pleasure he seemed to take in making as much noise as possible, often by mimicking everything they said in baby talk. Then again, Lucas was a quiet achiever, her angel.

“You’re back!” Tony announced a minute later, as he carried Lucas on his hip down the stairs. Danni grinned and walked up to them both with a wide, toothy grin. She zeroed in on Lucas first and kissed his nose, before stretching up to kiss Tony’s cheek, a gesture he warmly returned. Ben also chose that moment to reach out and pat Lucas gently on the nose, which Lucas observed with a pinched, confused grimace. 

“Ah, happy families,” Tony said in jest. “Good timing mummy.”

“I take it five minutes ago it was chaos?”

“Pretty much,” Tony assured her with a smirk. “I thought you were going to take your time today?”

“I have to show you something!” she exclaimed suddenly, still grinning as both babies looked at her hogging the limelight. “First, I should confess,” she continued as she hurried to the dining room table so that she could finally put her bag and the newspaper down. She took a seat and settled Ben on her lap. “I did something bad, sweetheart,” she said seriously to Tony.

“Oh?” he asked, laughing because he could pick her deadpan expression a mile away. “Did you steal that newspaper from the coffee shop?”

“Almost!” she said with a laugh. “But no, I bought this one. It’s the competition, sorry.”

“You read my articles, or at least you pretend to, and that’s what really matters,” Tony replied with his own droll humour as Danni stuck her tongue out at him. “So what’s special about today’s tabloids?”

“The real estate section.”

“You looking to buy a house for you and your secret lover?”

“No, he’s tied up in the boot. Actually, I like looking at the pictures,” Danni said with a casual shrug. “Plus most of the articles in here are so dumb.”

“That’s what I like to hear!” Tony said, cheering for the potential demise of his employer’s biggest inner city rival. “So, the secret lover’s in the boot, he’s taken care of…does that mean you found something nice in the photos we might be able to replicate here?”

“Nope,” Danni said. She was grinning so hard her cheeks were aching, but on the inside she was quietly terrified. “I saw something. Something familiar.”

“What?” Tony asked. He was seriously curious by then, and walked forward with Lucas also still in his arms. They took a moment to swap babies when Lucas started up on the whiny ‘maaaa’ sound that was surely only a week or two away from becoming ‘mama’. It was nearing on naptime, and Danni watched as Tony cuddled Ben to his broad chest and their son snuggled in comfortably and shut his eyes. Lucas did the same on her own lap and rested back against her breast, but he kept his eyes open to watch what she was doing. She held him firmly around the belly with one arm while the other flicked through the paper to find the right page.

“Got it!” she said once the half-page advert was revealed. “Look, look Tony!”

“I’m looking,” Tony said as he leant forward slightly. It was a real estate advertisement for a renovated industrial home close to the city. The pictures showed an open-plan layout with a large kitchen bench and a comfortable living area near to a traditional front door. Another photograph of the interior also showcased the exposed roller doors that signaled that this detached house had been some kind of small workshop. “Three bedrooms, two bathrooms,” Tony read aloud. “Joint open home and on-site auction this weekend, open-plan, polished cement floors, central heating, low-maintenance, two-car parking in the driveway or, I assume, in the house itself.”

“Very funny,” Danni said with a chuckle of her own. 

“Perfect for commuting. It will probably sell really fast and for a great price; it’s a funky city home,” Tony said, admiring the photographs. “I like the look of polished cement floors too, but it has to be a certain type of property to pull it off, this looks like a converted garage of some sort. What exactly caught your eye, beautiful?”

“This-” Danni began, hesitating only as tears unexpectedly filled her eyes. She rested her fingertips against the photograph of the property’s front exterior. “This is Peter Church’s house, Tony. I am absolutely positive.”

“Peter who you worked with?” Tony asked. He was well versed in her colleagues, since the plan had been building to introduce Tony to them all just days before Oscar was killed. Beside him, Danni nodded and stared again at the pictures. “Are you sure?” Tony asked. 

“Yes. I’ve been inside this house. I know that bench.”

“You didn’t have sex on it, did you?” Tony asked with a wary, playful look. 

“No!” she answered, laughing. “Well…maybe. I don’t remember!”

“Oh, wonderful,” Tony said with a chuckle. He pulled out a chair with his own free hand and sat down beside her so that they could talk eye to eye with their sons in their arms. “That news would put a dent in my Italianesque, stud-muffin ego if I didn’t know we had already claimed our kitchen bench and you do remember!”

“I do, I do,” she assured him, still laughing. 

“Also I seem to recall something adventurous in the backseat of my car,” Tony added. “Which I believe is considered fairly retro and hip these days.”

“Ha,” Danni said softly, offering him a reassuring and warm smile. “It was a long time ago,” she assured him, as she had several times before. 

Tony knew all about the brief affair with Peter, the pregnancy, having to tell Mac, discovering the neural tube defect and then choosing to have the termination. She had confessed their history as soon as the idea of children was first brought up in conversation, because the whole idea of deliberately trying to have children with Tony had initially terrified her. She hadn’t wanted to hurt him, and she had needed to give him an early exit opportunity. 

She had told him that no doctor had been able to give her a reason for the anencephaly that had been discovered in her first pregnancy, other than perhaps she had been low in folic acid. She had told him that her child with Peter would not have survived a day had he or she been born, and no doctor had been able to tell her the risk to future pregnancies. If it happened again, she would terminate again. 

Tony went off and did his own research and agreed, and he had promised that if it happened again they would not keep trying. He didn’t want to hurt her, either. 

“So, Danni, is this a big deal?” he asked her, to make sure he had her attention. She wanted to say that yes, it was a huge deal, but she still felt oddly removed from Peter and the life he would surely still be leading. She was torn between shrugging the whole thing off with a bit of a laugh, and desperately clawing her way back into his life with her partner and twins in tow, no matter what. 

“It feels like a big deal,” she said honestly. She sat back and looked at Ben snoozing in Tony’s arms, and then looked up into Tony’s serious brown eyes. “Actually,” she said even more decisively. “It’s a really big deal.”

“Why?” Tony asked softly, always questioning. Danni took a deep breath. 

“I’ve always known where he was,” she said. “Or at least, I always assumed this was where he was. I don’t know where he’s moving. If he leaves this house…”

“Oh, I see,” Tony said. He licked his lips thoughtfully. “You could still find him through the police though, right? I mean, you’re on leave right now but you are still a part of Missing Persons…could you, y’know, look him up on the computer?”

“No,” she said with a shake of her head. “Personnel files of undercover operatives are on a need-to-know basis. Secure access. I’d need to bribe his boss.”

“That could be risky,” Tony agreed, chuckling before becoming serious. “Well, love, you know I’ve always thought that you should go and see them when you felt ready,” he said. “It might help, but I’ve never asked why you’ve chosen not to do that. I assumed it was because it was still too painful, with the memories of losing Oscar, or maybe you think Peter will be uncomfortable around us, with the kids. Angie too… Why haven’t you stayed in touch with them Danni?” Tony asked quietly. 

“Safety, I guess,” she mumbled.

“Our safety?” he asked. “Yours?”

“Considering I nearly choked on my coffee when I saw this and couldn’t decide whether to laugh or burst into tears, it doesn’t sound like a very good reason anymore. Maybe I feel ready. Back then I just wanted a fresh start, like Mac. I know you know this, but what happened was that Mac disappeared off into the universe, they restructured the division, and we became so exposed to the perps we brought in, and it just…wasn’t safe. I never felt safe. This is all so far off the record, Tony-”

“Oh come on, you know me better than that,” he said with a reassuring smile. He gestured with his chin towards the paper still sprawled on the table between them. “Do you want to go?” he asked. “It could be a first step, at least. If it’s the open house followed by the auction then Pete probably won’t be there – they usually get the owners to clear out – but Angie might be there? I’m assuming they’re still in touch.”

“I don’t even know,” Danni admitted. “I’ve always hoped so.”

“We could take the boys,” Tony offered. “It would be a nice Saturday outing, or you could go on your own and I could stay here-”

“I’d want you to come,” she said. “What is it now, Wednesday? I’ll have to see how I feel on the day. But I think…I think I would like to go, Tony. This house is a part of my past, and I’m not talking about the fling with Peter because that’s not even...that’s not how I define or remember my friendship with Peter. I just mean we all hung out there sometimes, the four of us.”

“Four?” Tony asked. “I thought there were five of you main lot.”

“Uh…oh yeah Mac. She didn’t often turn up. By the time I transferred in she was the boss and sometimes I’d hear stories of her coming out with us all, hanging out like one of the gang, but I never really saw it.” She drifted off thoughtfully before allowing herself to smile. “Although,” she said. “There were a few times where Mac, Angie and I would end up in the surveillance van all together, just us girls, and that was always really chilled and enjoyable. It was nice.”

“Some girlfriends catch up over coffee, you lot caught up over wiretaps.”

“We were special that way,” Danni said with a laugh. “But listen, I never went to Oscar or Angie’s houses, and I couldn’t even begin to tell you where Mac might have lived, but we all knew Pete’s place. I bet they’re rushing this sale at his insistence so that it gets a lot of attention from genuine buyers but doesn’t hang around for too many of the sticky beaks, if you know what I mean?”

“I do,” Tony said. “But I think we should do our bit and sticky beak anyway. This is prime real estate at peak viewing time. We’ll blend right into the crowd.”

“I don’t know what I would say even if Angie was there,” Danni said softly. “I doubt she’d even be there, like you said. Peter’s certainly not going to hang around for just anyone to walk in off the street and recognise him. Why would Ange?”

“Is recognition likely?” Tony asked. “Surely the sorts of guys you’ve all run into at work over the years wouldn’t be looking at homes in that price range?”

“You’d be surprised,” Danni answered with a laugh. “That being said, Church might have to be close for the auction…or Angie could be doing that job for him. She’s been undercover a long time as well, but she’s not as ‘high profile’.”

“So he’d send her on surveillance for him? Give her authority to sell?”

“Maybe. Something like that,” Danni replied with a laugh. “I’m pretty excited just to see it actually. I never thought I’d get a chance to be inside this house again.”

“I could tell, the way you bounded into this one.” 

“Well after confusing my therapist by spending my hour talking about myself in the third person, it really lifted my spirits to see Pete’s place looking exactly as I remember it. It’s like his weird way of reminding me that I’m not actually mental.”

“Ah, you’re not too crazy,” Tony assured her with a gentle laugh. He reached out and covered her hand with his. “But if I keep having to call you Danni to get your attention we might have to revisit that old conversation about making it permanent.”

“Funny,” Danni said with a smirk. “That’s what my therapist said.”

“Then let’s revisit. Mrs Daniella Belioni, Constable or otherwise, doesn’t sound at all like an undercover cop to me. Ditch the Mayo and you’ll be safe-as.”

“You think?” Danni asked with a semi-hopeful smile. She had thought about it over the past two years, more often than she had admitted to the man beside her. 

“Yep,” he simply said. “Daniella Belioni sounds just like some Aussie-Italian journalist’s damn sexy wife. Plus, we’ve put it off for long enough, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” she said, meeting his eyes. He looked hopeful and certain. “If we got married,” she countered. “Could I invite Angie and Peter? Would that be okay?”

“Always. That’s part of why I haven’t formally proposed…I knew you’d want them there, but obviously that can’t happen until you’re in the right place to see them. If you’re getting to that right place now, then…what do you think? And as for having them involved, love, you know I’ve got nothing against your job and I’m not afraid of these people. Hell, invite them around for a barbeque one day and surprise me.”

“They might not come,” she assured him. Tony just laughed as Danni continued by asking, “Can I ask you a question I ran by my therapist today?”

“Of course,” he said more gently. “What is it?”

“When we get married – because you know it’s a matter of when and not if-”

“Of course.”

“Well…from your perspective…I mean you’ve always been so okay firstly with me telling you that I was Rachel in another life, and then having to go back to using that name and having it on the boys’ birth certificates, but knowing that I still think as Danni and respond to that name too…Honestly Tony, when we get married, do you want to say that you’re marrying Rachel or Danni?”

“Who do you want me to marry?” he asked quickly and in a whisper. Danni sighed and glanced at him with a look of fear or hesitation that he would have seen before. She bit her bottom lip as they stared quietly at each other for long seconds.

“Well I’ve been living as Rachel again for two years,” she told him. “I’ve spent thirty-five years as Rachel, I worked out today. But I fell in love with you as Danni, and I planned a life with you as Danni, and we’ve been discussing at therapy whether or not I feel like an authentic person living that life with you as Rachel. I don’t think I do, and I think it’s a part of what’s made me anxious, and contributed to the post traumatic stress and post natal depression we’ve been dealing with here.”

“You didn’t tell me that sweetheart,” Tony said softly. His brown eyes briefly looked saddened. “We wouldn’t have gone back to Rachel at all if I’d known.”

“I didn’t know. I couldn’t articulate it,” she explained. “I never thought I’d been in undercover long enough to build an identity around Danni. It seems like I did though, and I’ve been trying to shake it and I can’t. I’ve been talking through this issue of identity with my therapist over the past six months, and it clicked when I saw this ad today. I’m still Danni, babe. So, if we can come up with a cover story for your friends about why I’d be changing my first name as well – something that doesn’t involve me being an undercover cop – then I would like to stand up at our wedding and say, ‘I Daniella, take you Antonio’. Does that sound okay? What do you say?”

“I say I’m in,” Tony said. He grinned and squeezed her hand, which was still resting over the picture of Peter’s home. “I love you,” he added with pride. 

“I love you too,” she answered easily, feeling her stomach flip-flop at his sincerity. She turned her attention back to the paper to re-read the advertisement, and remained preoccupied until Tony cleared his throat. She glanced sideways at him.

“So just to clarify,” he asked. He had a cheeky, expectant smile on his face. “Do I wait until after we’re married at some point in the future to start calling you Danni, or is that a change you’re comfortable making here in our home sooner?”

“Do you think you could handle it?” Danni asked with a raised brow and coy smirk. “I wouldn’t want to confuse you.”

“Oh, I’m not confused, Danni,” Tony assured her with a grin. “See, it just rolls off the tongue. Maybe we could put these babies down in their room and uh…see what else my tongue is capable of?”

“Ooh, Tony Belioni, your powers of seduction are unmistakable!”

“Yes I’m all charm-free,” he said with a laugh. He squeezed her hand once more before standing to walk Ben upstairs. “Race ya, Rach, for the last time!” he called over his shoulder. 

Danni rolled her eyes but stood with Lucas asleep in her arms. She left the paper where it was as a single thought tumbled around in her head. Her name was-

“Oh Daniella!” Tony sang musically from the top of the stairs. “They’re both asleep and it’s not gonna last! Quick-sticks, Constable, no time to waste!”

*


	5. Chapter 5

FIVE

Angie took great pleasure in pummeling the large red boxing bag until her wrists and ankles ached and her heart felt as though it would burst right out of her chest. Sweat was dribbling down her temples and between her small breasts, and was being flicked off her arms and legs with every fierce punch or kick delivered to the heavy bag, which swung only slightly in response to her efforts. It hardly moved.

Beside her, Peter was doing his thing with his own bag, but they went to kickboxing for different reasons. Peter had started going to stay fit for the job and, Angie suspected, to keep himself in good nick in case he met a woman – a particular woman, at that – but Angie went to kickboxing to put herself through as much pain as possible, and she didn’t give a shit about how she looked during or after. 

She had chosen the gym and the activity for one specific reason. She couldn’t run, she couldn’t swim, she couldn’t even play a game of backyard cricket or get through a simple obstacle course without thinking about Oscar and all the times that she had done those things with him. 

They had gone through the Academy together, hardly speaking to each other at first, but because their real surnames were Pierce and Piper they were always paired up to do things like spot each other on obstacle training, and they had stood happily side by side at graduation. Angie remembered him then as a quiet, nice guy; a country boy feeling a little out of his depth, but on an adventure that was all his own.

By the end of the year she supposed they’d been kind of friends, the type of friends she expected to be friends with for a specific period of time and then never see again, like friends she had met on her gap year travelling through Asia. 

Coincidentally, a few years later they were both recruited to undercover within six months of each other, Oscar first. Mac and Pete were there already, a few older guys had left, and they were the fresh blood with the right sort of temperament. They were surprised but happy to see each other; it had made their transitions less lonely. 

From then on they trained together, they went running or swimming or hung out whenever, because of course they picked up their almost-friendship from where they left off and built a better one. Graduating the Academy, Angie never would have guessed that the tall, gentle young cop with the broad shoulders, crooked smile, and springy brown hair beside her would save her life, or become her best friend.

Angie wasn’t even sure if Mac knew that they had known each other all that time. Peter did, but he had only known since Angie decided to give him the whole sobbing story after one too many drinks. He was stunned, but Mac had been the second-in-charge when Angie was hired, and Angie was almost certain that she had been heavily involved in recruiting both her and Oscar. Their old boss, Bernie, he never seemed to handle those kinds of things. He would have trusted Mac to look at the applicants and handpick the officers who she thought would best cope.

Ha. This is me coping, she thought with a droll smirk.

The point Angie was stuck on, was that Mac had to have known that she and Oscar graduated in the same intake just a few years before the appointment. Mac had never said anything about it. She had never asked about the Academy. She never acknowledged that she wasn’t the only one affected by Oscar’s death. 

Angie cared. Angie had loved that guy. Sometimes he had seemed like a brother, sometimes he could have been a boyfriend; either way he had been a part of her future plans. He died, Mac left, Danni fell to pieces, and where did that leave her? Two months from turning thirty-four, that’s where, with no family, no prospect of a husband and kids on the horizon, no girlfriends to talk to, and with only her ‘big brother’ Peter Church left to give a damn. He had his own problems, but at least some of their problems were shared.

Angie growled as she delivered a sound roundhouse kick to the bag. 

“Move, you selfish bitch!” she shouted at it. 

“Ange,” Pete said from beside her, almost laughing at her frustration, which made her even angrier. It was Mac’s birthday, wasn’t it? Why wasn’t he distraught? Why wasn’t he fucking angry? Why did Mac get to be happy turning thirty-seven, probably off with her crazy arty boyfriend, maybe married, maybe with a kid…what gave her the right to be so free? 

“What?” she snapped at Pete, glancing at him only briefly to glare. She kicked out at the bag again, repeatedly.

“Trust me, if that was a real person they’d be on their ass by now.”

“I’m angry!”

“Yeah I can see that,” he said calmly. He stopped kickboxing and started taking off his gloves. 

“What are you doing?” she asked. She was out of breath and her legs shook as she also stopped moving and stood on her two feet, using the bag to hold her up. Her blue eyes were wide as she stared at Pete calmly packing up. “You’re leaving?”

“No, we are leaving,” he said. “Come on, we’re going to the beach.”

“What?” she asked, snapping again, although this time she didn’t really mean it. “But it’s cold and raining out there.”

“So?” he asked. “You can rehydrate. Come on, it’ll be fun and spontaneous.”

Angie growled, but she also felt tears welling somewhere deep in her chest after over-exerting herself. Her adrenaline faded fast, and all she could think about was how she had just called the boxing bag a selfish bitch, but there she was resting up against it for her own selfish benefit, absorbing its unwavering strength for herself. Was that really how she had treated Mac all those years? Had they all pounded her and leant on her so hard that the chain snapped? Was that really what they had done?

Angie really, truly, hoped that it wasn’t. 

“Okay,” she said softly. She ripped her gloves off, and she did not think anyone else in the class was surprised when Peter quickly picked up their bags and guided them both out of the room.

*

They drove to the beach, spent a grand total of eight minutes running around in the rain and fading evening light like two crazy people, laughing so hard their guts hurt, before Angie agreed to follow Peter back to his house in her car. She was surprised to discover that he had actually pre-prepared a nice dinner, either the night before or that morning before work. She got into the shower while he switched the oven on to warm it up, and by the time she returned in fresh clothes from her overnight bag he had even set the table.

“What’s this for?” she asked, still holding a towel to her wet blonde hair as it hung over one shoulder. 

“It’s the selfish bitch’s birthday so we’re going to have a relaxing dinner and not talk about her,” Peter said without looking up from dressing the salad. 

Angie couldn’t help herself; she burst out laughing at Peter’s flippant reply. Did he really know her that well? Yeah, he probably did, she reasoned.

“Yeah uh…sorry,” she said. She walked forward to lean against the bench and watch him work. “I uh, didn’t mean it.”

“Yeah you did,” Peter said as he glanced at her briefly, and his serious blue eyes met her nervous ones. “But it’s okay, I don’t mind.”

“I just get so angry sometimes-”

“Honest, it’s okay,” he assured her. 

“Do you think it’s bad that it’s nearly an entire two years later and I’m still, I mean we’re still, not awesome?”

Peter put down his salad tongs and wiggled his eyebrows playfully as he grinned.

“Um, since when are we not awesome?” he asked, teasing her with a laugh.

“You know what I mean,” Angie said with a groan as she collapsed over the bench dramatically. It had been a long day in the surveillance van mostly, and she was spent from kickboxing and her long, hot shower. “I just want to feel normal again,” she mumbled into her bicep and the cotton sleeve of her shirt. 

“I think this is our new normal, Ange,” Peter said softly. “It’s not bad though.”

“No, but at this stage we’re gonna grow old together and I’ll never have sex ever again!”

Peter laughed loudly and poked her hand with the tongs. 

“Is that what’s wrong with you?” he asked. “Ha! That explains a lot.”

“Oh shut up,” she groaned. “And before you offer, the answer is no.”

“Sorry Ange, I’m on hiatus.”

“Do you fantasize about Mac?” she asked off the top of her head. She lifted her head and raised her eyes as Peter stared at her with an open mouth. 

“I’m not even gonna answer that,” he said. He smirked and added, “Unless you tell me all about what goes in your head with you and Stoney”.

“Okay, truce,” she quickly decided. 

Pete snorted and nodded, satisfied that they were content to respect one another’s private thoughts about their absent friends. He had asked her not to talk about Mac, Angie reasoned. She could get on board with that, and in fact she probably needed a break from constantly thinking about her all the damn time. 

“How about football?” she suggested. “St Kilda versus Collingwood this year? What do you reckon?”

They talked about the football season until dinner was served, and then ate at the table in silence until Angie felt like she needed to get to the heart of what had really upset her that day. It had nothing to do with Mac, in actual fact. As usual, Mac had just sort of absorbed the fallout; she was collateral damage. 

Angie sighed heavily at how unfair that probably was to her memory, and it was enough to get Peter’s attention.

“You okay?” he asked. 

It was a stupid question but Angie looked at him and calmly shook his head. Her eyes were wary as she put her fork down and sat back in her chair. 

“I got a message on my phone today,” she said. “From Brad.”

“Oh yeah?” Peter asked casually. “Who’s that? Old boyfriend?”

“No. Brad Pierce, Cam’s brother. Oscar’s brother.”

“Oh,” Peter said softly. He too put down his cutlery then, and they sat opposite each other with their plates between them and stared. “Um, why?” Peter finally asked.

“I don’t know. He said he wants to talk to me about something important.”

“He wants to talk to you as Angie, or he wants to talk to you as Michelle?” 

It was no secret that Oscar and Angie had pulled off a well-meaning prank back in the day. It was second nature to use fake names whenever they met strangers in fleeting moments, so when Oscar’s father had come to visit him in hospital one time when he was injured and unconscious, under Angie’s watchful eye as his police guard and friend, she hadn’t thought twice about telling him her name was Michelle. 

Afterwards, to set Oscar’s parents’ minds at ease about his career in the city away from the family farm, Oscar had continued to invent a backstory for this supposed girlfriend, Michelle, and when Angie needed some time off six or seven years ago he had convinced her to go out to the farm and become Michelle again. 

He had never come clean before he died. As far as his family was concerned, they had still been dating when he was killed. There had been no large police funeral to attend, no fanfare, but Angie had gone out to the property one last time as Michelle. She had watched his parents, Shirley and Charlie, and his brothers, Brad and Shane, scatter Oscar’s ashes over the lake where they had gone fishing together. They said goodbye to Cameron Pierce that day. No one else had been there from the police, Oscar’s family didn’t even know that ‘Michelle’ was in the police, and she had not been able to face that family and tell them the truth since.

“As Michelle,” she said to Peter softly. 

“Shit,” Peter said on a sigh. “When’s the last time you-”

“Two years ago at the farm,” she said, anticipating his question. “I haven’t heard anything from any of them until today, but of course I gave them my phone number. I wanted them to have that, Oscar would have wanted me to be around.”

“And Brad just said he had something he wanted to talk to Michelle about?”

“Yep,” Angie said with a serious nod, her eyes clouded by fear.

“Maybe they just have some of his things they thought you might like?”

“Or maybe one of his parents dropped dead,” Angie said bluntly. “It sounded more important than a ‘here, take some old photos’ phone call.”

“You didn’t call back?”

“No, I got the message after we got back to the office and then we were rushing for the gym and I guess I’ll return it tomorrow.”

“It’s not even eight o’clock, do it now.”

“You think?”

“Yeah,” Peter said with an encouraging smile. “I’ll sit here, you call.”

It was the backup and the support that Angie had been hoping for, as she got up and retrieved her phone from her bag on the couch. Brad had sent her a follow-up text message with his mobile phone number, and she quickly dialed it and held the phone to her ear. She returned to the table and sat, watching Peter watching her. 

“Brad Pierce here.”

“Brad, it’s Michelle. Sorry I missed your message,” she said. “How are you?”

“Oh, okay,” Brad said on a sigh. “I wasn’t sure if it was still your number, but then I heard your voice on the machine and, well, thanks for calling back. Mum wanted me to call you, but I’m sure you’re real busy these days-”

“Is she okay?” Angie asked. She had always liked Shirley Pierce. The older woman had accepted her with open arms the minute Angie stepped through their front door, and in her heart Angie knew that when she did eventually come clean about the whole ‘Michelle’ thing, Shirley would find a way to understand and not hate her.

“Yeah, mum’s okay,” Brad assured her, though he didn’t exactly sound certain, and Angie narrowed her eyes suspiciously as she waited for him to explain. “Uh, well see…Shane, he uh, he killed himself, Michelle.”

“What?” she exclaimed loudly. She gripped her fork with her free hand without even thinking about it, just to have something to hold onto. Shane was the middle son. There was Oscar then Shane then Brad in the chain, but there were barely five years between all three of them. Shane was taller, broader and larger than Oscar, even though Angie had always seen Oscar as an incredibly attractive, well-proportioned man. By comparison though, Shane was a giant hulk of towering strength. Two years earlier he had basically stepped in to run the property as Charlie and Shirley grieved for their son and found themselves in a bit of a heap. 

What on earth had happened?

“Yeah,” Brad said on a choked sigh. “He did it Monday. The funeral was today. We got home and mum saw your number…you know it’s still pinned to the fridge? She said you’d want to know.”

“Oh Brad, I don’t even know what to say,” Angie said softly. 

“Yeah. He left a note and everything. I mean…I guess he was lonely, and um, well you know what’s kind of funny?”

“What?” Angie asked. 

“You know how Cam always used to whinge about how mum and dad gave him a hard time for leaving the farm and striking out on his own and being a cop and all that? He pretty much thought they’d never forgive him for leaving for the cops.”

“Yeaaaah,” she said warily. 

“Well I guess dad’s had a pretty hard time reconciling that in the last few years, and maybe he’s feeling guilty or whatever, but in the last few months and stuff…Shane hasn’t been able to do anything right because he’s not Cam, you know?”

“I’m so sorry Brad,” Angie said softly. “I suppose there’s no point asking if you’re all okay…are you at home?”

“Yeah, mum and dad are in bed already, it was a tough day. I’m just in the kitchen thinking about how at twenty-eight this is all on me now, you know? Um…look the thing is, mum’s not doing so great-”

“I can’t even imagine.”

“She begged me to call you, Shell. I told her how a lot might have changed in two years, you know? I mean you might be…married, or a mum, or whatever-”

“Brad, I’m exactly where Cam left me,” Angie admitted on a sad whisper. 

Peter reached across the table and took her hand then, the one with the fork in it. He gave her tense fingers a squeeze and offered her a supportive smile. 

“Do you want me to visit?” Angie asked Brad. “Would it help your mum?”

“Yeah, yeah it would. She still talks about you. I think she still likes to imagine, well, what might have been. I’m sorry that’s probably so hard to deal with.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll drive up Sunday,” Angie said, making a snap decision. “I can take some leave. How long…I mean I don’t want to overstay or under-stay or…I mean do you need help around the house? Or on the property? Another set of hands? I assume you and your dad are going to be really busy with the stock and your mum-”

“Is a week too long?” Brad asked, cutting her off. “We do need a hand, and I don’t think the other women in town really get what’s going on here for us. Mum doesn’t wanna see the oldies, doesn’t care about their casseroles or condolences. I think it would help to have someone, um, younger. The young ones don’t come out here to visit, they just kind of whisper in town amongst themselves, you know? And mum said today that all she sees now is, like, her and dad getting old all alone.”

“Do you want me to come up sooner?” Angie asked as she brushed a tear from her cheek. “Because I can, Brad. I should have called back right away, I’m so sorry.”

“No, no, Sunday is good. It’ll give me time to uh, give Cam’s room a tidy-up for you. Just be warned…it’s all the same. All his stuff. I can box it or uh-”

“No, leave it, you’ve got enough to do. I’ll see you Sunday, probably late afternoon, all right? I’ll take a week off work.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s only work,” she assured him. They said goodbye and hung up, and Angie watched Peter chewing on his bottom lip.

“So,” Peter began slowly. “I take it somebody did actually drop dead.”

“Oscar’s brother killed himself.”

“Fuck,” Peter whispered. “It just gets better, doesn’t it?”

Angie nodded and brushed more tears from her eyes. 

“You could have gone up Saturday, you know. My house isn’t that important.”

“Yeah it is,” Angie assured him with a sad smile. They had all spent so much time in that house, and it had witnessed so many important conversations. “I wouldn’t miss it,” she reassured him with a smile. “Now come on Peter, dessert. I saw the cupcakes you made for you-know-who’s birthday. With girly pink icing, no less!”

*


	6. Chapter 6

SIX

Ellen lay in her motel bed beside a bag of art supplies and stared up at the ceiling fan that was rotating just fast enough to circulate the stale air of the room. It was closed up because of the damp and cold night outside, and goosebumps prickled Ellen’s skin beneath her tights and oversized jumper, but she couldn’t be bothered to get underneath the blankets or to switch on the old heater by the door. 

She was in shock, she reasoned. She had spent the morning at the local library typing up her formal letter of resignation, which she had emailed and also posted before she chickened out. Then her coping mechanisms had kicked in. She had gone and bought a couple of small canvases and a collection of bold oil-based paints, and after dropping them back at her motel she had tugged a baseball cap low over her head and gone for a run in the drizzle. 

She loved being back in the city, that in itself was an adventure, but she felt numb and exhausted and not exactly sure what to do next. 

Two years earlier, she’d had the guts to take off in the heat of the moment, to save her soul from the fact that her life had been collapsing in upon itself, but she had still had the presence of mind to use up her leave first, to take time unofficially to make a proper, final decision. In the end, she had flipped a five-cent coin on her mattress that morning, it had told her that she should take the job in State Intelligence, and she had decided to go with the opposite. Quit. Leave the police. Don’t go back. 

Don’t face them. Just let it go. 

She had been working up to that decision for two years, she supposed, but it didn’t feel like a carefully constructed plan. It felt much faster than that, and more spontaneous and reckless than she thought she should have been. 

This wasn’t the heat of the moment anymore. The calm stretched out in front of her, from now until forever. She had saved well over the past two years. She had saved as much of her leave allowance as possible while Gene was happy to splash around his cash on himself and her and on anyone else they came across. She had paid to have her house boxed up and sold, and she had the profit saved up as well. 

So Ellen realistically had enough cash to last her several years of struggling to find her feet, if she was very careful with money. She knew she had been smart. She hadn’t lost her head entirely. Surely she could build some kind of new life in that time. How hard could it be? She could rent a little home, find a basic job, do her painting and photography on the side and perhaps arrange an exhibit down the track.

As long as she didn’t have to look at dead bodies, as long as she didn’t have to question grieving relatives, as long as she didn’t have to pretend to be someone she wasn’t, then she would be all right. She might even make new friends, Heaven forbid! 

That thought made Ellen smile. That she might form honest, equal friendships almost seemed a foreign concept, but she was well aware of the fact that she had chosen to move back to a city where she had built some of the best friendships she thought she might ever have. She wanted that aspect of her life to be repaired, somehow. It was probably difficult to make friends at thirty-seven, but she could try. 

Ellen rolled onto her stomach and reached out to the drawer of the side table, where she had stored the plastic bag of random items taken from the old factory. Specifically, she removed the photograph that Peter had left her, and she sat up to grab a tissue and gently clean its two surfaces one more time. Once she was confident she had finally removed all of the dust and fingerprints, she rested it on her crossed legs, and opened her plastic shopping bag. In the photography store she had actually found a frame that would perfectly suit the picture, and she had bought it on a whim. 

Ellen hadn’t wanted a standard frame, because she needed to be able to see both sides of the photograph. Instead, she had found a simple, clear, Perspex frame that she could lower the photograph into, cap it off top and bottom, and turn it over and over around in her hands or on a shelf, depending on whether she wanted to look at the photograph or read Peter’s message.

She worked quietly to put it together, and smiled once she was done. There were small oil stains on the four corners of the photograph from the blu-tack that had held it to Peter’s locker, but that was okay. Ellen kind of liked it, actually. She liked the idea that it had been waiting for her, almost like it knew she would go back there one day, ever since a time when she hadn’t had the faintest inclination to do so. 

The photograph hadn’t known that, of course, but Peter had.

The old Ellen Mackenzie never would have displayed a photograph of herself with another undercover operative in her home, but she was pretty sure she was past that stage of paranoia and it no longer mattered that the inside of the building and surveillance van were in the background. Since the motel would be her home for another couple of weeks at least, she felt no fear in placing the frame on the bedside table by the lamp and her novel. It would sit by her like that for the rest of her life.

“Happy birthday Mac,” she told her younger self with a gentle smile. “Good luck.”

*

Peter was glad Angie was with him on Saturday morning while the real estate agent spoke excitedly about the large amount of interest in the property that had been drummed up in just one week. It was expected to sell. At least four interested buyers had copies of the contracts, and they were all quoting figures above the reserve. If it didn’t sell that day, it would sell after the auction within a matter of days, by private negotiation. Was Peter okay with that? Well, he had to be. 

Angie had kept a tight grip on his hand throughout the conversation and if he was honest with himself she was practically holding him upright. He had been on board with the ‘move quick’ strategy of the agent and he was glad it had worked, but still, Peter could hardly believe it was really happening. He could be boxing up his life in a matter of weeks and moving into his new home. 

The new place was a rental, a stand-alone, renovated period home closer to the water and in a more suburban area. He had already signed the lease and started paying rent, and a part of him was excited about moving and being closer to the beach and just getting out of the city of an evening. He hadn’t wanted to buy straight away, he wanted to test out the location and he hadn’t been sure if he would be able to afford to buy there, or that he could bring himself to even seriously try until there was definitely no turning back. 

Seemed like that would be today, Peter reasoned as he zoned out in a panic. The real estate agent kept talking through the procedure for the auction and accepting any offers and the sort of paperwork they would be doing. Angie dutifully paid attention and asked and answered all of the questions that Peter had flagged with her earlier that morning when she arrived for the day to help him tidy up. 

The real estate agent actually thought they were a couple, which they both thought was pretty funny, but then again it was how they acted sometimes. It was just a fact that when one of them collapsed, the other person stepped in and kept life moving forwards for them both. Peter actually wasn’t sure what he was going to do for the next week without Angie; handling all of this on his own, starting to put his life into boxes and move it gradually into the new house, which was mostly empty. 

And Angie hadn’t said anything yet, but what happened if she decided to move out to the Pierce property permanently? The country was always begging for police, Angie had passed her Senior Constable exam six months ago but was still waiting for a position to become available in the division so that she could technically claim that rank…what if Shirley Pierce asked Michelle to stay? What if she fell for Oscar’s little brother? What if she decided that she needed to make a life away from the city? 

It was no secret to Peter that Angie and Oscar had always fancied each other. He figured they would end up together eventually. It wouldn’t surprise him if Angie felt a duty or an obligation to his family, who by all accounts were kind and down-to-earth people and a really genuine, happy family. Peter had always known that about them, just by the kind of mate that Oscar was. A family like that wasn’t something Angie or Peter had much experience with, but he knew they both craved it.

What if she never came back?

“Okay, are we ready?” Angie asked suddenly. She dug her nails into his palm and he snapped back to attention and looked down at her. She was smiling hopefully and urging him with her blue eyes to nod and smile. “All tidied up and ready to leave this guy to do his job?”

“Oh, yeah,” Peter said, quickly nodding. “Yeah, I think we’re all set.”

“We’ll go and get some lunch down the road,” Angie confirmed with the agent and with Peter, since it was obvious that he hadn’t been listening the first time. “Then we’ll be back for the auction and we’ll just hang in the bedroom while it’s all happening.”

“Sounds good,” Peter said. 

It sounded terrifying actually and he didn’t know if he was really ready to do this, but whatever. It was fine. He could panic all he liked but it was still happening.

*

“I can’t believe how many people are here!” Danni exclaimed as she pushed the pram along the footpath on the way to Peter’s house. “This is almost hilarious.”

“Hilarious?” Tony asked. 

“This is an undercover cop’s house,” she hissed to him under his breath.

“You don’t even know if he still owns it!” Tony said with a laugh, a fact he had happily, only-half-seriously pointed out to her several times over the week in an attempt to stop her working herself up in a panic or excitement, or both. 

“He owns it,” Danni said, as definitely as she always had. “He would not have sold it that quickly, not if there was a chance Mac might come looking for him.”

“What about you? What if you’d come looking for him?”

“Well yeah, but I doubt he thinks about me that way. He and Mac are different. She really threw him. It threw all of us when she left, but it really changed Peter. I think it scared him, actually. There’s no way he would have rushed into selling the one place he knew that she knew about. Just in case, you know?”

“So I wonder why he’s selling now?” Tony pondered once they got to the driveway and admired the urban exterior, just as everyone else was. They weren’t the only young family lining up to get inside, and it was mostly professional couples there, a few singles, and probably a lot of people looking to invest. “It would be a real pity to turn this into a tenanted place,” Tony said, a bit too loudly and on purpose.

Danni chuckled at his decisive lack of tact.

“Yes, Mr Opinionated Journalist,” she said in jest. “But to answer your question, who knows why he’s decided now is the right time. I had a breakthrough this week too, so maybe it’s because it’s the two-year anniversary soon…maybe that’s a good time, for all of us? Or maybe he met a woman and they’re getting a place together that’s fresh. Maybe he had a security scare, or maybe he just fell out of love with it and it wasn’t home anymore. Who knows? Just don’t expect to see any photographs or any personal items on display. It will be spotless. Like a show home.”

“It’s a really good thing the boys aren’t walking yet then,” Tony explained. “They would tear the place apart.”

“Yeah, our place won’t look like a show home for another twenty years,” Danni agreed with a laugh as she glanced at her sons in their pram.

“We’ll be in our late fifties by then.”

“Can we make it to forty first, please?” Danni replied, still laughing. 

“I suppose,” Tony said on a mock sigh, pretending to be disappointed. Danni elbowed him playfully, and they smiled broadly at the real estate agent who welcomed their young family to the property.

*

“Would you stop wriggling?” Angie asked as they sat in the café an hour later. They had finished their lunch and were sipping on coffees, but Angie thought that coffee had been a particularly poor choice for Peter; he was about to leap out of his chair and have a fit! “Look, I’m sure it’s going fine,” she told him for the tenth time.

“How much longer?” Peter asked. Angie rolled her eyes.

“There’s another half an hour to go on the open house, then a half-hour break and we can go home then. Do you want a tea? Maybe I’ll get you a peppermint tea.”

“Stop fussing, I’m fine,” Pete said in a sudden huff. “I’m just nervous. And stressed. What if no one bids?”

“What if everyone bids and you make a fortune?” Angie asked. “I don’t know what your problem is. You bought a run-down old mechanics’ workshop on a whim a decade ago and did it up into a really nice place. Do you even have a mortgage?”

“No,” he said on a long, drawn-out sigh, as though it was painful to admit he had been so lucky, or clever. He had paid the small mortgage off a few years earlier. “But that wasn’t my intention when I bought it. I didn’t do it up to try to make money. I was, you know, building myself a home, and I thought I built a pretty good one.”

“And now, fingers crossed, a really nice family gets to live in it,” Angie said. “That’s pretty special, Pete. You should be really proud.”

“I guess,” he mumbled. 

Angie sighed and leant back in her chair. She did know how he felt. He had bought the house thinking that it would be a good step in moving on from Alice and starting his life afresh in undercover. It had taken him several years to fully renovate the place, and surely in that time in the back of his mind he had been thinking that it would be the house he eventually shared with a wife and children. In selling that house, he was trying to force himself to accept that it wasn’t going to happen. It was never going to be the sort of home that he had wanted it to be, and it deserved to be that for somebody else. It was a brutal truth and it hurt. It hurt Angie as well. 

“We’ll give it another forty minutes, okay?” she asked softly. She reached out and patted his hand briefly and he nodded. He swallowed heavily and stared into his cup. “God, you’re a sad-sack,” she said, doing her best to cheer him up with a chuckle. She earned a smirk and returned a broad grin. She was doing her best. 

Angie knew this was actually going to be the happiest day of her week, considering she was about to take off on a week’s leave to go out to the Pierce property. Brad had called back to let her know that Shirley was really happy to hear that she was visiting, and Angie had to admit a small part of her was excited to see the family again as well. She wasn’t close to her own parents and her sister was a junkie. Shirley always embraced her like a daughter, and it was time to return the favour.

“Thirty-nine minutes,” Pete announced. 

Angie glanced at him, surprised, but found him grinning at the fact she had drifted off into her own little world. She laughed at him. 

“Fool,” she teased before she took a sip from her latte. 

“Floosy,” he retorted. He leant back in his chair more happily, and Angie congratulated herself for doing something right. She looked over her shoulder towards the movement at the table to their side, and smiled at the sight of a content looking father settling his children’s pram alongside the table so that he could watch them and still sit down with the tea that a waitress had graciously walked over for him. 

Angie felt her heart ache as her eyes wandered over the fair, porcelain-like faces of the children. They were obviously twins even though they had different colouring. They were about the same size, and they had the same shaped faces, eyes and mouths. The blonde-haired boy was sitting forwards in the front, engaged with a colourful toy and chatting to himself in a language only he understood. He wore the biggest smile. Meanwhile, the brunette boy in the back had the silkiest, curly dark hair Angie had ever seen. He looking around quietly, a soft toy clutched to his chest. 

Angie did not have a lot of hands-on experience with children, but she guessed they were somewhere between six months and a year.

The man in charge of these twins also had dark, curly hair like the twin in the back, and he caught her eye with an easy-going smile. Angie knew that he was probably used to women fawning over his children, because they were perfect. She blushed when she realised that she had been leaning out of her chair and twisting around to get a better look, and Peter simply sat back in his chair and laughed at her. 

“Clucky much, Ange?” Peter asked. “Sorry mate,” he said to the man across from them. “I bet you get that a lot.”

“Ah, I don’t mind that they’re famous,” the man answered with a smile. 

Angie looked into his warm brown eyes, and it struck her that there was something about this man that was distinctly familiar. She narrowed her gaze and stared at him quite openly as she searched her memory. Her heart had leapt in fear for a brief second, but she was almost certain that he wasn’t a perp. They were still safe.

“I’m so sorry,” she said when it suddenly struck her. “I’m sure I know your face. Are you that crime reporter? The columnist?”

“Well…yeah,” he said with wide eyes. “Apparently I’m the famous one.”

“No well I-” Angie stopped herself before she announced that she remembered having seen him in court. It had been a few years ago perhaps, but he hadn’t changed much in that time. There were a few flecks of grey in his hair that probably hadn’t been there, that was all. Yet if Angie told him where she knew him from, then she would have to explain what she did for a living. She couldn’t lie and say she was a court reporter too; he probably knew them all. “I read your work,” she simply said with a shrug. “Are these your sons? It’s um, it’s Tony, isn’t it?”

“Yes it is and yes they are,” he said proudly. “Ben and Lucas. Fawn away!”

Angie laughed as he shifted the pram slightly towards her, and the blonde baby looked up at her with wide, earnest, green-brown and syrup-flecked eyes. 

“Hello!” Angie cooed softly. At this stage Lucas had spotted the new person in front of him too, and had leant forward from the back seat of the pram for a closer look. Angie held the boys’ hands and shook them and played for a little while, and somewhere in the background she heard Peter introduce himself properly to Tony, as Peter. She saw the men shake hands across divide between their tables. 

Maybe they could be friends, Angie thought to herself. Peter desperately needed another man to be his friend. She wasn’t enough, and this one was entirely non-threatening. He was educated and safe, and he had the cutest babies that Angie and Peter would probably never have for themselves. As Lucas reached forward and started trying to talk to Angie, suddenly finding a burst of energy to liven up his warm brown eyes amid his early-afternoon slump, Angie allowed herself to feel truly happy. 

*


	7. Chapter 7

SEVEN

It began with a simple, innocent question really, and one that security-minded Peter was used to asking strangers he happened across, since he never really believed in coincidences. Plus, the café was his territory, and he knew the weekend regulars.

“So I haven’t seen you around here before,” he said, watching as Angie positively drooled over the babies. She was off her chair, crouched on the floor beside them. He spared a brief second to feel sorry for her. She had started dropping hints that she was lonely. She wanted a family. She wanted to be a mum. In the back of her mind, considering their job, Angie had probably always had Oscar pegged as the dad. Peter didn’t blame her at all, and it was hard to watch her having such an obviously good time with two babies who she wasn’t actually allowed to take home with her.

“No,” Tony answered to reclaim Peter’s attention. “We don’t live too far, actually, but more out in the suburbs. My fiancée though, she’s having a very good time nosing around an open house a block or so away. The boys were getting restless, it’s getting towards nap time for them…I thought we’d go for a walk before they started screaming and, you know, scared off all the actual buyers.”

Angie had stopped what she was doing at that comment, and turned to look at Tony with a broad grin. 

“Your fiancée is at the open house?” she asked. “What does she think of it?”

“Loves it,” Tony said with a chuckle. “When we left her, she was walking around sighing dramatically, staring at cornices and composing an ode to the kitchen bench. In fact I reckon most of the women who walked in there fell in love with the kitchen bench. You don’t see a slab of genuine granite like that every day.”

“Too right,” Peter said. “It took six grown men to dump it into place and they were really straining.”

Tony looked between them with wide eyes and a look of surprise on his face. 

“You’re the owners?” he asked. 

“He is,” Angie said quickly. “I’m just the moral support. Were there a lot of people there when you left?” she asked. 

Tony laughed and nodded.

“Yeah, a fair few.”

“Good,” Angie said. She turned to Peter and added, “I told you”. Then she turned back to Tony and explained. “It’s only been on the market for a week, one of those strategies to get as much interest and publicity as possible online and in papers in a really short space of time, to try to get everyone so excited they all clamber to see it in time, before having to make a quick decision.”

“Well, it worked,” Tony said with a smile. “I think the real estate agent who grabbed me before I could leave was saying there are already several registered bidders. I hope it all goes well for you.”

“Are you meeting your fiancée back there?” Peter asked. “We have to walk back and hang around inside for the auction, you know in case they need to consult with us at the end, we could head back there together?”

“Peter’s desperate to get back,” Angie said with a teasing chuckle, as she returned her attention to Ben, who was tugging on her hair. 

“I did say I would meet Danni back there,” Tony said. “She knows this area better than me, but I wasn’t sure where I’d end up. We’re not buyers but we’ll probably hang around for the auction, see what happens.”

Angie froze. 

Above her, Peter and Tony were still talking about the house, but Angie was stuck to her spot hanging onto Ben and the pram in front of her. A flashback assaulted her senses. She did know Tony from court, but she saw a lot of people at court and she didn’t necessarily remember their faces from year to year. So why him?

They had been there one day, Angie and Danni, dressed neatly in plain suits and with their hair braided because they were both presenting evidence in a case that Tony had been writing up for his paper. They had taken the stand as unnamed police witnesses, but they had passed Tony in the hallway afterwards and he had said hello to them. He then doubled back to introduce himself properly, and they had jokingly told him that their names were Unnamed Police Witness A and B, as per court. 

Tony had laughed and congratulated them on doing a good job on the stand. 

He then handed Danni his business card and said…oh, what had he said?

Angie thought and bit her bottom lip tightly until it came to her. 

‘Well it was nice to meet you,’ Tony had said. ‘And I have to say I think you’re the most beautiful woman, Unnamed Police Witness B. I’d really like to get to know you and that smile. Give me a call sometime, my mobile number’s on the back.’

Angie could close her eyes and remember the look of surprise on Danni’s face. Danni was a beautiful woman, tall and curvaceous, busty with straight blonde hair, bright green eyes, a few freckles on her fair face, and the widest, toothiest, movie-star smile that Angie had ever seen in someone not actually famous. 

However, random men did not just come up to her and hand her their cards, especially not random men who knew she was in the police. It was an intimidating, high-maintenance and sometimes dangerous job, and Tony should have realised just how demanding it could be as soon as the lawyers hopped up there to introduce Angie and Danni on a no-name basis. Angie didn’t think that the fact they were in Covert Services had specifically come out in that trial, she couldn’t be sure, but it should have been a red flag for Tony. It would have been a red flag for most people.

Angie remembered thinking exactly that when Danni didn’t mention him again. In fact, Angie was sure that she had asked Danni a few weeks later if she had ever called Tony. Danni had brushed her off with a, ‘Yeah but we’ll see. You know the job’. And yeah, Angie did know the job, and Danni wasn’t in it anymore.

“Ange?” Peter was asking her. “You okay mate?”

Angie turned to look up at Tony with wide blue eyes and an open mouth. He was just staring at her with a smug little smile on his fearless face. He knew she knew. 

His fiancée’s name was Danni, and he knew that she knew him. Dammit!

Angie looked back at the babies. Ben was still bouncing around in his seat and babbling, trying to show her his toy, but Lucas had fallen asleep with his hands clutched around his soft bunny. Angie felt a sob rise in her chest. 

She had to get a grip on herself though, because Peter hadn’t twigged. Of course Danni never said anything to him about that encounter with Tony. It could also have been the case that Tony had met some other woman called Danni. Maybe her name was Danielle. Maybe it was Dani with one N instead of two. Maybe she drew it with a little heart on top of the I. Maybe Angie was reading too far between the lines.

“Your fiancée is at the open house?” she asked Tony again. She stood to look down at him and regain some personal space. Tony smiled easily and nodded. 

“Sure is,” he said. “She saw the ad in the paper earlier in the week and we thought it would be a good excuse to get out of the house with the boys. It’s finally stopped raining, and I think being home with them all the time can get pretty tedious. Actually, we should probably get back there before she starts to worry that I’ve gotten lost or been abducted. I love her, but she’s always jumping to the worst conclusions.”

“Yeah, sounds good, let’s go,” Peter said eagerly. 

Angie could not help it, she rolled her eyes and she saw that Tony noticed and smirked. Peter’s nerves had him so on edge he was barely listening or paying attention to anything going on around him. He had no idea. 

Oh my God, Angie thought, he was going to have an actual tiny stroke.

They packed up and left the café as a trio with Tony pushing the pram and chatting to Peter about fatherhood. Angie wasn’t sure if Tony knew what he was doing, but she was so grateful that he was distracting Peter from the fact that she was having her own private breakdown. She was doing her best not to dart out ahead of them and run back to that house. 

Angie knew the look when people recognised her, but she hadn’t seen it in Tony to begin with because he had been hiding it from her. He had known to hide it, and then to reveal himself only when the opportunity presented itself. He had walked into that café and sat beside them when he would have walked in and seen a number of other tables and chairs also free. Peter had been the one facing the door. Tony would have walked in and seen Peter first. If he had chosen the table deliberately that meant he knew Peter’s face. It meant that Danni had shown him a photograph. 

And the final, telling piece of evidence that demonstrated to Angie that Tony knew exactly who they were from the start…not once had he asked them one of the most common, universal icebreakers, ‘What do you two do for a living?’ 

He hadn’t even asked them. They hadn’t even needed to think of a good lie.

Angie had spent the last hour and a half convincing Peter that they had to wait until the open house was over before they returned, but now she wanted to get there no matter what. She knew this fiancée Danni – and Angie really was trying not to get her hopes up too high that it was the right Danni – wouldn’t leave without Tony and the twins, but Angie still had a deeply-rooted and completely irrational fear that she would get there and it would have all been an elaborate scam or a dream. Danni would be lost in the crowds, invisible, or she would have left, and just like Peter had always feared, Danni would never know where to find them ever again. 

As soon as they turned onto the street, Angie just could not handle it anymore. She gave Peter’s hand a squeeze and said, “I’m going to jog ahead and see how it’s going”.

“Sure,” Pete said easily. “Tony and I can handle the babies.”

Angie glanced down into the pram. Ben and Lucas were both sound asleep. 

“Oh yeah, they look like a real handful at this time of day,” she said with a grin in Tony’s direction. His eyes were twinkling. What a bold, good-hearted sort of scoundrel, she thought with a smirk. She practically sprinted ahead.

The open house had finished, and as Angie got closer she saw the real estate agent and his helpers setting up for the auction that would be held in the driveway that led to the garage doors and the front path. People were being kicked out of the house and those who were staying were already milling. It was a decent crowd but it didn’t look like it would spill onto the street. The rain had stayed away as well, which was perhaps the best news for Peter and everyone else present.

Not that Angie cared about everyone else. She only cared about one person, and all too quickly that person was right there in her line of sight, right in front of her.

Danni was standing on the footpath in the midst of the crowd. Her back was to Angie because she was looking in the other direction. Angie knew that further down the street there was a small park, and Danni knew that too, and she probably assumed that was exactly where Tony had ended up with the babies. 

Angie slowed to a walk to catch her breath and to deliberately slow down time. She wanted to hold onto this moment without cracking up, because this was a much bigger deal than Church selling his house. This was really, really good.

Danni’s hair was a natural shade of golden blonde-brown and was pulled back in a casual ponytail. Angie recognised the back of her head and the shape of her neck. Danni was still tall even in her sneakers, and she was still this feminine hourglass of a woman in jeans and a green sweater that Angie knew would bring out the green in her wide eyes. From behind it looked like her arms were folded; she was probably nervous. She knew exactly where she was, after all. She knew what this meant too.

“Danni,” Angie called all of a sudden. They were only metres apart.

*

Danni turned at the sound of her name, and almost before she had a chance to recognise the look of recognition, shock and joy on Angie’s face, Angie had raced forward and flung herself at her. Danni hugged her for half a second before Angie started to sob into her shoulder. Danni looked past Angie, stunned, only to see Tony approaching from the same direction Angie had come. He had the pram, and beside him Peter had stopped in his tracks. 

They weren’t far away, but she saw Tony having a quiet word in Peter’s ear then, and Danni returned her attention to Angie. Angie was furiously trying to compose herself, and when Danni urged her to lean back she saw that Angie’s face was flushed a bright red and there remained an almost vacant expression in her eyes. 

Danni smiled as tears filled her own eyes. 

“Well hi stranger,” she said, doing her best to tease and not make it seem like she and Tony had ambushed them. That had never been their intention. “Didn’t mean to upset you there,” she added softly. 

Angie shook her head as her expression immediately changed. 

“Oh no, no, I’m not upset, I…I…where did you go? Where have you been?”

“Missing Persons Branch,” Danni explained softly. Her eyes moved again to where Peter and Tony were making their way to her. Danni gripped Angie’s upper arms tightly. “Maybe we should wait so I can tell Pete too.”

Angie nodded in agreement and sniffled as Danni wrapped her arms around her again for a solid hug. 

“I was hoping you’d be here, Angie,” Danni whispered in Angie’s hear. “I was really secretly hoping you’d be here.”

“I am,” Angie replied. “I really am.” She squeezed Danni’s shoulders and Danni shut her eyes in the embrace. 

*

Peter couldn’t believe it. It was Danni. He had heard Tony tell them that his fiancée’s name was Danni but it hadn’t registered. Lots of women were called Danni or some variation of Danielle or Daniella, and Peter had stopped flinching every time the names Danni and Ellen or Mac came up in casual conversation. Lots of cops were nicknamed Mac or Macca too, that had always been a big problem. Any cop within a hundred miles who wore a uniform and whose name was MacDonald or McDougal or McIntyre or Mc-Mac-whatever had that nickname. It never mattered, it was never her. 

But this, this was Danni. Angie had obviously figured it out. Tony obviously knew that Angie had figured it out. Peter had just been walking along oblivious to the whole situation. He looked down at the children in the pram, and then back up at Angie and Danni, and then at Tony, and then back down at the babies, and then back up at Danni. She met his eyes over the top of Angie’s shoulder thanks to the height difference between the two women, and Peter felt his own eyes well with tears. Wow.

He hurried forward over the last few metres, even broke into a jog. Angie had pulled away from Danni at the sound of his footsteps and left her open to accommodate the bear hug he was about to lay on her.

“Danni,” he said. “Danni, sweetheart.”

“That’s me,” Danni said with a light-hearted laugh as Peter sobbed and happily scooped her up around the waist and twirled her once. She yelped in shock but hugged him back just as playfully. 

Pete reached for Angie as soon as Danni’s feet were back on the ground, and he pulled her into the embrace as well. They clung to each other for several long seconds. Angie started crying again, and Danni pulled back briefly to wipe the tears from her eyes and beckon Tony and the children closer. 

“What are you all doing together?” Danni asked, looking amongst them. They had drawn a few stares from the others gathered for the auction, and the real estate agent was keeping an eye on them; he recognised his vendors.

“I walked into a café around the block for a cuppa and there they were,” Tony explained casually. “It wasn’t hard to strike up a conversation. I just planted the twins right under their noses. Look how cute they are!”

Danni looked to Angie and Peter for confirmation and Angie laughed.

“Yes that’s pretty much what happened,” she said. “I recognised him from court but it wasn’t until…it wasn’t until he said his fiancée was called Danni that I remembered exactly which court and which day and what had happened.”

“Wait, what happened?” Peter asked, looking between the two women curiously. “What court?”

“Oh,” Danni said, gushing as she gripped one of Angie’s hands and looked over at Peter. “That’s how Tony and I met. Angie was there, just a few months before, uh, before Oscar died. Tony handed me his number after we testified one day.”

“You said it hadn’t worked out!” Angie said in a playful huff.

“Wait, what?” Tony asked. “You said what?”

“We’d gone on five dates by then, Tony. I didn’t want them all to start giving me crap about you on the job,” Danni explained with a laugh. “I was going to come clean, you know! And I never said it didn’t work, I said it probably wouldn’t work.”

“Well I think that was a big lie,” Peter said obviously. “These are your kids?”

“Ahuh,” Danni said with a proud grin. “It happened fast, sometimes it feels too fast for me with everything else going on, but we’re not getting any younger and when you know it’s right, you just know. So you’ve met them, then. Ben and Lucas.”

“Yes but now I want to hold them!” Angie announced. “They’re asleep.”

“Oh don’t worry, they’ll wake up again sooner rather than later and they’re all yours,” Tony said with a chuckle. “Do you three, uh, want some time?”

“Mate, I have to go sell my house and these girls could talk for hours!” Pete exclaimed, gesturing to the real estate agent who was trying to catch his eye. “Just…why don’t you all just come inside, okay? Come in and sit. Danni, please?”

“Of course,” Danni said. She wrapped her arms around her stomach and assured him with her eyes that she wasn’t going to just turn around and walk away. Not again. She always knew she had left it too long to begin with. “I am so sorry-”

“No, no, don’t be,” Angie quickly said. “Unlike some people, we’ve always known exactly why you left, with the changes they made at work, and because of Oscar. It sucks without you. It really, really…it’s not the same, and you have a family, and we didn’t even suspect but don’t be sorry, don’t be. You’re so lucky!”

Danni pulled Angie into another hug. She knew from their reactions and Angie’s words that she was forgiven and that the friendship was still probably intact, and she also could confidently guess that Mac hadn’t been seen or heard from again. As if to underline the impact of that loss, Angie started to cry again, and Danni had never felt sadder as she absorbed some of her friend’s surprise and loneliness. 

She met Tony’s hopeful eyes and managed a smile that he quickly returned. She would thank him later. She knew he had wanted her to do something like this for a long time, he had always seen it as a way to heal and overcome the anxiety and depression she had experienced, and he had wanted to help so badly. In the end he had, almost by chance. Danni really did not know what she would do without him.

*


	8. Chapter 8

EIGHT

“So is Michelle the same as Angie?” Danni asked the next morning as she lay on Angie’s bed and watched her pack for her trip. It was Sunday, so Tony was home with the twins and she just had to be home before he had to leave for the football with his work buddies. That worked well, since Angie would have to hit the road around lunchtime anyway. 

“Is she the same?” Angie echoed curiously as she stared into her open closet. “Uh, I think so. Michelle is more relaxed than I am, or at least I’m more relaxed when I’m up there as Michelle. Except for the last time I went, that wasn’t relaxing, that was torture. This trip won’t be relaxing either.”

“So it was really only ever relaxing with Oscar there,” Danni said quietly.

“Well yeah, it’s his home,” Angie said. She laughed sadly and glanced back over her shoulder. “But I have to do this. It’s weird but Shirley’s like my second mum. Now she’s lost two sons. And poor Brad, the youngest one, who probably grew up thinking that he could realistically do whatever he wanted because Oscar and Shane would manage the property and their future kids would one day take over…it’s now all in his hands. Shane couldn’t handle it, I guess. Brad might have to.”

“What’s he like, this little brother?” Danni asked. 

“Tall. Taller than Oscar but not as big as Shane. He’s got a receding hairline these days and he has darker hair than Oscar, curlier. Brown eyes. He’s just a nice, easy-going kind of guy. I haven’t spent much time with Tony but there’s a similar sort of relaxed style about them. It’s always a surprise, because he looks so imposing.”

“So Oscar was the shortest, skinniest son?” Danni asked curiously. “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Angie said with a laugh. “You wouldn’t have guessed, right? And poor Shirley isn’t any taller than me. They tower over her. Or at least, Brad does.”

“Do you think it was the two-year mark that Shane couldn’t handle?”

“I have no idea. There was a note, and they might let me read it. I mean, obviously they don’t know this but I’m okay with dealing with death when I can detach myself from it all…and with this I probably can. I think I can be useful.”

“It certainly seems like you’ve been useful here,” Danni said. She sighed and rolled onto her back. “With Pete, just the two of you. He seems…the same but not.”

“He’s sad,” Angie said on a sigh. “It was Mac’s birthday on Friday, she’s thirty-seven, and selling the house is like finally admitting to himself that he’s planning to go somewhere that she can never find him.”

“It’s just a few suburbs over really.”

“Yeah but Mac doesn’t know that, obviously. He’s still waiting for her.”

“You never heard from her?” Danni asked as she bit her bottom lip.

“Nope,” Angie said. She grabbed a cardigan and threw it at Danni’s face. “But you can’t talk, Constable Rachel Antony! I never knew your last name, I couldn’t look you up. You didn’t exactly make yourself known to us until yesterday either.”

“I know,” Danni said, laughing as she removed the cardigan from her face. She sat up and put it in Angie’s open bag by her side, assuming that had been her intent. “I just needed to be in my bubble with Tony for awhile. I needed to put my head down and work and try to push through everything that was going on, feeling like I’d failed, feeling paranoid all the time, the flashbacks…you know how it is. I didn’t think I could deal with that stuff if I stayed. That’s the truth, and I’ve been practising talking about it with therapists for the last eighteen months. That’s fun.”

“I only went to the mandatory sessions,” Angie admitted. “Pete too. We are sort of each other’s counsellors. Some days are harder than others. This last twenty-four hours has been pretty spectacular and good, but when the dust settles, we’ll see.”

“So…you’re not mad at me?” Danni asked, unafraid of being blunt. “Honestly we didn’t think Pete would be around yesterday, maybe for the auction, but I was really hoping to see you because I’ve missed you both so damn much, Angie-”

“Are you really going to change your name to Danni legally when you get married?” Angie asked, having been told the night before. 

It had been a late night at Peter’s house, which had sold for a hefty profit after a bidding war broke out between three buyers. Tony had taken the boys home when it was time for their dinner, but Danni had stayed and found her way home hours later. She had promised to drop by Angie’s new house the next day to see her off, and Peter was coming over in the afternoon to get to know Ben and Lucas and to keep Danni company while Tony was at the football. 

Danni knew that Angie had spent a lot of time keeping Peter company or vice versa over the past two years, and maybe this was excellent timing. Maybe Angie was in need of some respite. Danni didn’t mind. It had been so long since anyone other than her partner and children kept her company; the offer was too good to refuse.

“I’ll become Danni legally,” she said. “And since I’m still not sure if I’ll be going back to Missing Persons then I may as well do it now, and see what happens.”

“Are you and Tony going to try to have another baby?” Angie asked softly.

“Uh…we’re undecided, I guess you’d say,” Danni replied. “We’re not exactly trying to prevent it at the moment, and Tony always wanted three kids, but we were probably pretty lucky – actually my doctor told me we were incredibly lucky – to conceive Ben and Lucas so quickly without any intervention. Mac’s not the only one who’s thirty-seven, you know!”

“No wonder you didn’t keep in touch, you were busy,” Angie teased, giggling as Danni grabbed the cardigan and threw it back at her old friend. “Sorry, sorry, just acting like the baby of the group!” Angie said, doubled over laughing. “Oh God,” she added as she recovered. “You have no idea how long it’s been since I had someone who wasn’t Pete to hang out with and just chat to about stupid stuff and laugh.”

“I was just thinking that,” Danni said softly. “I kind of feel like a teenager at a sleepover, except it’s twenty years too late and nine o’clock in the morning.”

“That’s actually what I was really looking forward to about going to see Shirley,” Angie said. “Even though she’s probably distraught, at least I’d have a woman to talk to who saw me as…I dunno, a friend? A companion? Someone cool?”

“I think you’re cool,” Danni assured her. “You look super hot too, by the way. Must be all the kickboxing.”

“I punish myself that way, a little,” Angie admitted on a more serious whisper, her eyes giving away the depth of her pain just briefly. 

Danni nodded. She patted the mattress and Angie abandoned her cupboard and came to sit beside her on the bed. 

“We play this game, me and Pete,” Angie began of her own accord. “When one of us is down, we have a thumb war and whoever wins gets to come up with a suggestion about what you and Mac have become in the last two years.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, I mean we just muck about with it mostly. A couple of times we’ve probably decided you became a mum or that you were working in some other department. Usually it’s silly things. Pete’s latest was that you were in Adelaide.”

“Ah, I spent time there as a little kid,” Danni explained. “He knows that.”

“Oh,” Angie said on a soft huff. “Not too extreme then. Fair enough.”

“What about Mac?”

“Well we never talk about her maybe being a mum,” Angie said with wide, wise eyes. “One time I suggested that she had joined the circus as a lion tamer; Pete thought that was pretty cool. Another time I told him she’d grown her hair down to her feet and locked herself in a tower to transform into a modern-day Rapunzel. He laughed at that pretty hard, because Mac’s not exactly the damsel in distress type.”

“Do you miss her?” Danni asked. 

Angie sighed and nodded. 

“But I miss Oscar more,” she whispered. “That overrides…everything.”

“Sure,” Danni agreed. She rubbed Angie’s back briefly. “I miss him too,” she said. “But is it time for ice cream yet?”

“No,” Angie said with a laugh. “I have to pack for the farm! Argh!” She stood and returned to her cupboard and Danni lay back down. “Tired?” Angie asked. “Hmm, tired and asking for ice cream when you should be thinking about breakfast. Not pregnant already, are we?”

“I don’t think so,” Danni said with a yawn. “Just far too much excitement and emotion, and I think I spent most of yesterday completely petrified but unable to escape from this decision I’d finally made, to do something I should have done at least a year ago. I’ve chickened out and I’ve been a wreck. Tony’s barely called me Rachel in the last few months because I think as Danni. I’m on anti-depressants, I see a therapist, I have nine-month-old twins; it takes a lot of energy to deal with all that.”

“I’m sorry you’ve had kind of a hard time with the kids,” Angie said softly. 

“I think it’s mostly been PTSD,” Danni acknowledged. “And worrying about Lucas’ heart. It just snowballed. Having children was what we both wanted, being a family was what we wanted, but it was just like all of a sudden I was this other version of myself that two years ago I never could have imagined I’d become.”

“Yeah. I guess Pete and I are still in undercover. We’re still…going through the motions. Maybe that’s helped, in a way. We can at least reassure ourselves that while life and everyone else around us has gone completely mental at times, we’re still the same people. Then again, sometimes that’s a really depressing thing to dwell on. Pete’s been really reluctant to move house, for example, and yet that’s the only thing I’ve actually accomplished in two years. When Brad called me he asked if I was married, he was nervous about asking me to come up there, and I had to tell him that nope, I’m still the same old Michelle he remembered, nothing new to share, and of course I have no life and could come up there at the drop of a hat.”

“I don’t think he’s gonna hold that against you,” Danni assured her. “Are you going to come clean to Oscar’s parents? His name was Cameron, right?”

“Yes and I don’t know,” Angie said on a sigh. She collected a handful of shirts and a sweater and put them in her bag, along with the cardigan she had originally selected. “I’ve always wanted to tell them. I think this might be the right time. I just don’t want them to look at me as though we deceived them. I’m used to that look, but I don’t want to see it in their eyes, especially not in Shirley’s. I’m terrified.”

“You don’t want them to hate you, that’s understandable.”

“Yeah, and I really, really don’t want them to hate Cameron.”

“They won’t,” Danni said softly. “Once you explain-”

“I haven’t had to have that conversation in a really long time,” Angie admitted. “I mean you’ve done it more recently, with Tony. How did that go?”

“You met Tony right?” Danni asked with a smirk. “He pretty much just shrugged and said, ‘Yeah I figured babe, I’ll call you Rachel from now on okay?’ and we went on as normal. Then the other day, I’d finally worked up the courage to tell him that I felt more like Danni than I did Rachel – which is bizarre but that’s the impact those years with you all made on me I guess – and he beat me to it! He asks me if I want him to call me Danni, and just like that, sorted. We had sex that afternoon and he didn’t call me Rachel once. He hasn’t slipped up at all, it’s all about Danni.”

“Smart man,” Angie said with a smirk. 

“I tell you, he would have been a great bloody undercover cop!”

“He was very smooth with us yesterday,” Angie admitted. “Poor Church. He had no idea. He was so stressed out.”

“Think he’s okay this morning?” Danni asked softly. 

“He wouldn’t have slept well,” Angie said. “I’d have stayed but I needed a good night’s sleep before today’s drive. There are too many memories in that place.”

“Maybe he can nap with my sons.”

“You should know…and Church might tell you himself, but he often dreams about Mac trying to find him, and she ends up being shot and bleeding out while he’s forced to watch. That’s his absolute worst nightmare and he’s been having it a lot lately, with the house and…and I know you and Pete had a fling ages back now, and a lot has changed for you, but he loves Mac. He was in love with her that whole time.”

“I guessed that,” Danni whispered. “I mean I definitely knew that there was a history there, something unresolved. There are no hard feelings, at least not on my end. Mac was great about the whole catastrophe. I never really found out how she felt about Pete, I’m not sure Pete even knows? And I have no idea how she handled our affair and all its repercussions on her own, but as ‘the boss’, I couldn’t fault her.” 

“Yeah, good old Mac,” Angie said with barely restrained resentment. “I think Pete’s forgotten…I mean, he’s never explained the relationship to me. As far as I can tell he’s in love with the idea of Mac, and I’m just not. I’m really tired of it, Danni.”

*

“She said that?” Peter asked hours later as he and Danni sat on her living room floor with their hands stuffed into puppets. They were carrying on a serious conversation that neither twin was actually aware of, distracted enough by the toys moving around randomly in front of them. Every now and then Peter or Danni would lurch the toy towards one of the boys and surprise them; that was the game, and Ben and Lucas cackled and squealed and chatted and tried to reach for them. 

“Yep,” Danni said as she looked into Peter’s sad blue eyes. “I don’t know you guys very well anymore, but if I had to guess-”

“She’s upset that I dream about Mac being shot instead of Oscar, the reality.”

“Well yeah,” Danni said with a grin. “Guess I do still know you pretty well, that’s exactly what I was going to say. But you don’t have control over your dreams.”

“I know. Rarr!” Peter exclaimed as he chose that moment to surprise Lucas, whose brown eyes went so wide Peter could have sworn they almost popped out of his head. “These two are adorable Danni,” he told her as he relented and handed the puppet to Lucas to investigate. “They look so much like you. I love them to bits.”

“Good, cos you’re their uncle,” Danni declared easily. 

“Lucas really had heart surgery? That must have been terrifying.”

“It was,” Danni said. “And with some kids the hole in their heart fixes itself, but that doctors didn’t think that would happen with Lucas. We’re a lot more relaxed around him now…he’s got permission to be more outgoing and get his heart racing.”

“He’s a little boy, he’s just gonna do that automatically as he gets older.”

“Yeah, can’t wait,” Danni said with a wry laugh. “So are you gonna tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Pete asked as he watched Danni interact with Ben. 

“About your relationship with Mac,” Danni answered without turning around. 

Pete groaned and covered his face with his hands dramatically, which Lucas copied immediately, much to the adults’ delight. 

“Oh come on,” Danni said. “We’re re-bonding. I’ve missed you. I know you might not trust me much anymore Pete, but I want you to feel like you can talk to me, especially about things that it seems Angie might not be in the right headspace right now to hear, which was the distinct impression that I got-”

“I trust you Danni Mayo,” Peter assured her as he leant over and playfully shoved her shoulder. She grinned at him happily. “So you doin’ okay then?”

“Better than this time last week,” she said. “Are you going to tell me or not?”

“And Tony is totally cool with us hanging out like this?”

“Absolutely. He’s been begging me to speak to you and Ange for over a year. You are always welcome in our home. Now, tell me. Are you in love with Mac?”

“Augh, I don’t know!” Peter groaned. “I hate talking about this stuff.”

“Says the bloke who we all know likes to wear his heart on his sleeve. Out with it. What does Angie know that I don’t know?”

“Not much, since according to her I haven’t told her anything about it.” 

“Did you sleep together?” Danni asked.

“Yes,” Peter said with a sigh. 

“When?”

“Like eight years ago it started.”

“How long for?”

“Most nights-”

“Nooo,” Danni said, laughing. “How long did the relationship last?”

“It wasn’t even really like a relationship! It was just sex. We never-”

“How long?” she pressed.

“More than a year,” he said on a sigh. 

Danni stared at him in shock but he avoided looking her in the eyes.

“What happened?” she asked. “How did it end?”

“The boss found out and told Mac to break it off or transfer out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what choice she made. I didn’t get a say. The end.”

“So if the old boss never found out would you have stayed together?”

“I don’t know, Danni,” Peter said in earnest. He glanced at her then and shrugged. “I’ve never known. We never talked about it.”

“But there are…feelings?”

“Yeah, always have been,” Peter said. “I never told her though, and the weird thing is that once we stopped sleeping together I think we got closer. She’s my best mate, but I never told her that either. I think she always assumed I was closer with Stoney because he was a guy, but if I ever wanted to talk seriously, I went to her. I’d like to think she came to me but I know she didn’t…she certainly didn’t two years ago when she took off.”

“She never wanted to appear like she couldn’t handle the job,” Danni said. “I know the feeling. If you hold it all in for long enough, you’re always going to crack.”

“So…can I ask you a question then?” Peter asked hopefully. Danni smiled and nodded. “Do you…do you hate Mac? Are you angry at her for leaving?”

“I’d be a pretty nasty hypocrite if I was, wouldn’t I?” she replied. “I left too. I’m sorry that it’s been so hard and I wasn’t strong enough to hang around and help. Like I told Angie, I just needed my bubble. I think about Mac every day, Pete.”

“Angie’s so angry with her, and it’s getting worse,” Pete mumbled sadly. “She’s so angry, Dan. She thinks Mac was selfish to leave, and I feel like I can’t talk about her the way I want to. I mean we talk all the time about how she left and what she might be doing now, but I feel like I can’t talk about the good memories. I want to talk about how much she meant to me, Danni, all the good times we had. Angie can be as tired of hearing all this as she likes – I don’t blame her, I’m tired too – but I am afraid that as soon as I move out of that house, Mac is going to need me and I won’t be there. She always leaves it until the last possible moment to ask for help. Always.”

“Whose idea was it to sell the house, Pete?” Danni asked carefully.

“Angie’s,” he whispered. “She sold hers, said it made her feel better.”

“Do you feel better?” she asked. 

Peter answered by sobbing into his hands and shaking his head, and a stunned Danni wrapped herself around his torso on the floor for a hug while the twins looked on with interest. Maybe they could fix it together then, she thought. As a team.

*


	9. Chapter 9

NINE

Ellen let herself into the factory the next night with two large bags, again avoiding detection. After three genuine attempts to go to bed she had given up and decided on a new approach. Her pockets were again filled with her torch and camera and the key and lock-pick that allowed her entry, and her bags were filled with art supplies, food and a blanket. She was going to have a sleepover, and if it didn’t happen to involve any sleep then that was all right, because her plan was to stay there for twenty-four hours. 

She made her way up to her old office, since that was the point at which the removalists had gotten lazy, or maybe someone had just decided that it wasn’t worth removing the turncoat’s furniture. ‘Let it stay there and rot,’ they might have said.

Ellen sighed as she climbed the concrete steps once her eyes had adjusted to the dark and the dim beam of her tiny torch. She put her bags onto her old office desk and then turned to tug the sheet off her couch. To do that, she put her torch down, held her breath and pinched her nose, because as soon as she pulled the sheet again a plume of dust rose up around her. 

Ellen quickly bundled up and dragged the sheet out of her office and threw it over the railing and the landing, down to where Oscar, Angie, Peter and Danni had sat. It landed with a soft plop, still knotted up thanks to her efforts, and once Ellen was satisfied that she could breathe again without enduring a fit of sneezes, she returned to her office and took a deep breath. She did sneeze, but just once.

She retrieved her blanket and jacket, which she was going to use as a pillow, and then she sat on the couch for a few more long, calming breaths. She let her free hand rest on the fabric by her hips. Her palm stroked it in a large circle. It felt familiar and still in good condition, and it had hardly been used, really. However, it had allowed her to sleep during some of the worst or most trying cases, when she couldn’t even face going home either because she had too much work to do or was too worried about her people’s safety to allow herself the luxury. 

She had always managed to sleep soundly on the couch. Bernie and Peter had woken her up there many times. So, she reasoned, this would be the fourth and final attempt of the night to keep her eyes closed, and all she had to do was trick her mind into thinking it was two and a half, three, five, eight, or even ten years earlier. She pulled her shoulder-length dark hair from its ponytail and ran her fingers through the thick, straight strands. The hair tie was pulled onto her wrist for safekeeping, and she bundled up her jacket and shoved it up towards the end of the couch where her head always rested, the end closest to the door. 

Ellen lay down, and took another deep breath when she felt her body sink against the familiar cushions beneath and behind her. The bed in her motel room was comfortable, but it wasn’t familiar, and after nearly two weeks there it still felt as though she was sleeping away from home. This was different, and in the morning she would set up her canvas and walk around with her camera to start documenting. 

With her eyes shut and as the time closed in on two o’clock in the morning, Ellen took herself on a slow tour of the old factory based only on her memory of where the light used to stream in, through what windows and at what times of day. She thought about what the people she had once known would have been doing in those spaces at that time. She wanted to capture that as well. She started to mentally create the sorts of pictures she would take of the emptiness, and she fell asleep.

*

Angie lay in bed some time around dawn and listened to the argument going on down the hall between Shirley and Charlie Pierce. 

“I know things still need to get done,” Shirley said to her husband in a huff. “But they don’t need to be done at four-thirty in the morning, the day after we buried our son. Why can’t you just sleep in, for once in your life? Stay and have breakfast with me.”

“You have Michelle now.”

“Charlie, that doesn’t mean you can just-”

“Is this about the burial thing again?” Charlie asked. “Because Shane never said what he wanted-”

“He would have wanted to be with his big brother!”

“Why? His brother never wanted to be with him. Cam never gave a shit.”

“Oh! You know what? Just go, just go Charlie, and don’t come back until you’re bloody starving!”

Angie’s attention was diverted by a soft knock on her bedroom door, and she glanced in that direction in the dim first light of the morning, as it softly opened and Brad stuck his head in. They grinned at each other like little children eavesdropping on their parents, and in a strange way that’s exactly what was happening.

“Can I come in Michelle?” Brad asked hopefully. 

Angie nodded. She sat up in bed with the covers pulled around her, not sure how she felt about wearing just a singlet and shorts around Oscar’s little brother. She was older than him by five years; in her head he was just a kid. The Pierce boys didn’t have any sisters, and despite their good looks and clear eligibility, she never got the sense that they had dated much, or had any really serious relationships outside of perhaps their high school days.

“Sorry about them,” Brad said softly as he perched on the end of his older brother’s bed. “Obviously there’s some blame being thrown around here at the moment.”

“That’s okay,” Angie said softly. “What’s the deal with the burial? Shane hasn’t been, um, cremated like Cam? God that sounds horrible. I’m so sorry.”

“No it’s okay,” Brad said. “We’re plain-speaking people out here, no beating around the bush, as they say.”

Angie chuckled softly.

“No, he hasn’t been cremated,” Brad continued. “He um, he’s in the cemetery in town. I can show you, if you like.”

“Cam would want me to go and lay some flowers or something, say goodbye for him, so yeah, that would be really nice of you Brad. Thanks.”

“No worries,” Brad said. His brown eyes were narrowed as he watched her. “Um…did you know that Cam wanted to be cremated all those years ago?”

“Oh, well I suppose I assumed it,” Angie answered with a thoughtful frown. “I definitely knew that he was an organ donor – we all were – but with the, uh, the gunshot wounds…that was impossible. Still, once you decide that you’d want to give your heart, lungs, liver, kidneys and corneas away, cremation seems a lot more appropriate than burial. What are you really burying by then, you know?”

“True,” Brad said softly. “That’s a really gross image now, thanks.”

“No worries, bro,” Angie said, teasing him. She reached out and gave him a little shove, and it made Brad laugh. He hung his head in mock shame and nodded.

“Hey Brad,” Angie whispered once they drifted into silence. She could hear Shirley crying in her room down the hall, and it wasn’t nice. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” Brad said on a sigh. He could hear the crying too, of course. Angie felt so incredibly sorry for him, but she wanted information and she didn’t feel wholly comfortable asking Shirley for it outright.

“How did he do it?” she asked. “And can I read the note?”

“Oh,” Brad said as he looked at her, surprised. “Um, well the police took it-”

“Oh, of course,” Angie said. She bit her bottom lip. “Um, that’s okay then-”

“No, they gave it back, that’s what I was about to say,” Brad said. “I know the guy, the Sergeant, and he came to the funeral and gave it back to me at the end of the service, said they were done with it and I could keep it or burn it or whatever.”

“That’s nice of him,” Angie whispered sadly. 

“I’ll show it to you later,” Brad promised. “But I remember what it says. Do you want me to say it?”

“If you feel like you can,” she said. “No pressure.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll never forget it, but I might use my own words a bit. It was pretty casual. It said, ‘Hey guys, I’m really sorry about this, about what I’m about to do. I feel like I should have told you about this a really long time ago but I never did and now I don’t think that I can. I’m not brave like Cam or an open book like Brad, and I just don’t want to be here anymore. I’ve felt like this before and it’s been okay, but I’m pretty tired. Real sorry mum. Love from Shane.’ …And uh, that’s pretty much what he wrote. That’s all there was.”

“Shit,” Angie said softly as she sat back against her pillows and loosened her hold on the blankets. “He had depression? Had he actually tried before?”

“I guess? I don’t know. We had literally zero idea of it. He never spoke to the doctor in town about it, or the nurse…I mean when I feel pressure I go and talk to someone, you know? Is that something that Cam did, with you?”

“Yeah, yeah he did,” Angie said softly. “When he found out he had cancer-”

“Oh God, I always forget about that!” Brad said, almost distraught that he had forgotten, again. “It’s just that how he died, it was so…unexpected and dramatic and it’s so easy to forget that he’d just gotten the all clear? I mean they lopped off one of his balls but he was gonna be okay, wasn’t he?”

“I like to think so,” Angie said. “And it was hard for him to talk about but he did. If not with me, then with his mates.”

“Right, right, yeah of course.”

“How did Shane kill himself, Brad?” she asked again.

“Oh, nothing too original. He used our shotgun – legal, licensed, all of that – to blow his brains out the back of his head. What do the coppers call it? Cam used to make jokes about it sometimes, like when something was going bad he’d say-”

“He’d eat his gun,” Angie said on a sigh. She knew in graphic detail what that meant for Shane and for the family who found him and the police who arrived on the scene. She had been one of those officers, once. “Brad, I am so sorry.”

“Yeah. Serves us right for having a half-dozen rifles and one, lone, shotgun.”

“You own a farm. He would have found another way.”

“Yeah I know. At least he did it out in a paddock, you know? He didn’t do it in a building? So we didn’t have to, like, clean. When the cops were pretty much done out there I gave the Sergeant the hose and was like, ‘Do you mind?’ because I didn’t want to do it, but at least it was, like, on the grass and stuff. Fuck.”

“Want a hug?” Angie asked. She bit her bottom lip and watched him as he met her eyes and slowly nodded. She then got onto her knees and leant forward to wrap her arms around his broad shoulders. Brad held onto her tightly and rested his head against her shoulder. Angie used all of her physical strength to try to hold him and give him some of that support. He was such a big guy, but he might have been about ten years old, the way he was nestled against her. 

“Thanks,” he said as they pulled away. “Mum uh, she’s not been so good on the hugging front. Just right now she doesn’t want anyone near her…except dad over breakfast, apparently.”

“That’s okay,” Angie said with a bit of a laugh, as Brad rolled his eyes. “Since everyone seems to be up,” she continued. “I might have a shower and get brekky?”

“Yeah um, I gotta go…help dad. Watch him, more like it.”

“Yeah, you go,” Angie assured him gently. “I’ll look after mum.”

“Thanks,” Brad said with a grateful smile. He reached out and squeezed Angie’s shoulder so firmly and so sincerely that she thought it might bruise, but she didn’t show it. “I am really glad you’re here for a bit,” Brad went on, oblivious. “Thanks Michelle.”

“Yeah, no worries,” Angie said softly. Her stomach swam with guilt when she heard him call her by that name again. As Brad left, she thought about the words Shane had written. Either his hand had been shaking with nerves or it hadn’t, and he had been calm. ‘I should have told you about this a really long time ago but I never did and now I don’t think that I can.’

He wasn’t so different from Oscar, or Cam. ‘Michelle’ had been his secret, and Angie had always teased him for being too chicken to break it off with this fictional woman and tell his parents the truth. It was her secret now, she was the not-so-brave chicken, and now Shane would never have the opportunity to know. 

*

Ellen spent the entire day setting up and taking her photographs of the factory, from the moment her alarm woke her at sunrise until the light had faded that evening. She was using a compact digital and a professional black-and-white film camera to do the job, and as she made herself a bread roll with butter and vegemite for dinner back in her office she contemplated when and how she was going to be able to develop her film. She supposed she could take it to a shop but she had refreshed her skills when she had been in Sydney and a part of her wanted to develop the film herself. 

She knew that the old laundry in the back of the factory, which stupidly had no windows and only a pithy exhaust fan for ventilation, would make the perfect dark room. She hadn’t brought her equipment with her but it was stored in her parents’ garage in their Sydney home, including a second-hand enlarger that she bought online for a couple of hundred dollars a year earlier. She had dismantled everything and put it all into boxes before she returned to Melbourne, so it was ready to go, and her parents would have it couriered to the motel or even the factory if she asked. As long as she was waiting there to receive it, it would be fine. 

It wasn’t the worst idea she’d ever had, that was for sure. 

She ate in silence and finished packing up before the daylight faded. She would nap for a few hours and then depart, but she would be back to develop her film. 

Ellen grinned once she located her compact camera in the dark and switched it on to review all of the duplicate and set-up photographs she had taken; these ones in colour. Soft light bathed her creamy skin and deep blue eyes as she scanned each photo in minute detail. 

She zoomed in on some elements and cropped out any distractions. She also played around with the editing tool and switched between colour and grey-scale to get an idea of which photos she was most interested to develop. There were about thirty that she really liked, and the next day when she could plug the camera into her laptop she could start manipulating them, and she could email her father.

*

Five hours later, Ellen let herself out of the factory with her bags on her back and over her shoulder. She made sure the door was locked and then quickly retreated down a nearby laneway that connected to several others and provided a short cut out of the industrial zone towards the nearest main road. 

Halfway along the second laneway, Ellen saw a woman curled up in a sleeping bag near to a large rubbish skip that would have provided some protection from the wind being funneled between the two tall, brick buildings that bordered the lane. There was just enough light from one or a few windows above them for Ellen to make her out. The woman appeared to be asleep or unconscious, her hair was long and dark but streaked with grey. Her skin was fair and deep wrinkles lined her forehead and her mouth even in sleep. Still, Ellen guessed the woman was only in her forties. 

She sighed. She knew how she had left Gene a year earlier, and if she hadn’t been so fortunate to have the skills and peace of mind to plan ahead to begin with, if she hadn’t had her wealthy parents in Sydney to fall back on just in case, then who knew what might have happened? 

Ellen unzipped the bag slung over her shoulder, which was resting by her hip. She retrieved what was left of her supplies from the day. The plastic bag contained a half a litre of bottle of water, an apple, two bread rolls, a few packets of butter from the motel’s breakfast room, a small jar of vegemite, and the plastic knife she had used for spreading and cutting earlier. She made sure the bag was tightly tied up so that the rats did not have too easy a ride breaking in. Then she leant over the woman cautiously and tucked it just beneath the edge of her sleeping bag by her head. The woman stirred and snuffled, but did not wake. 

Ellen breathed a sigh of relief once that was taken care of, and she set back off on the walk to the motel. The first time she visited the factory she had caught a tram part of the way, but that wasn’t so much an option in the very early hours of the morning. The walk was good for her anyway, and it helped to clear her mind and leave her refreshed for sleep. She hoped she would sleep in the motel once she got back. She would hate to think that the best sleep she might ever have again would be on a dusty old couch in an abandoned warehouse that nobody knew about. 

Nearing the end of the very last laneway before she got to the main road, Ellen was startled by footsteps rushing her from behind. For a brief moment she thought it was the woman, but she knew it wasn’t as soon as she felt the firm tug on the now almost-empty bag slung over her shoulder.

The tall kid wrapped a thin arm around Ellen’s neck and yanked her further back into the laneway, away from the main road. She felt the tip of something against her neck – a knife, a Stanley-blade, a razor – whatever it was, that chilled feeling of fresh metal on skin was enough of a signal for her mind to crank back into gear. 

“Give me your money, and you won’t get hurt,” the kid said. A young man, Ellen processed quickly. His hands were shaking. He was sniffling and snorting and Ellen could smell stale alcohol on his breath. He was shifting his weight from one leg to another and she felt it in the way that he held her. She remained still but relaxed. 

“I don’t have any money on me.”

“Bullshit, I saw you give that old woman something-”

“It was food,” Ellen said calmly. “I’m a police officer, I can’t give you-”

“You’re not in uniform,” he said obviously.

“I’m off-duty, I’ve been doing some surveillance work,” she said, oddly reassured that she wasn’t actually as invisible as she felt. After all, someone had to see her eventually. “Let me go and I won’t call for help. I’ll just walk away.” 

He seemed to think about it for a few seconds, before he cackled, “No-no-no”, and started trying to dig through all the pockets in her two bags. Ellen wasn’t going to put up with that. Technically she wasn’t a police officer, not anymore. Fuck him.

She ducked, spun around, and jammed the base of her palm straight up into his face with a force she had not used in a long time. He stumbled backwards and Ellen ran until she reached the main road. Next time she would take another route home. 

*


	10. Chapter 10

TEN

“Oh my God,” Peter said. “He just keeps going.” He was laughing as he watched Lucas tear packing paper to scraps above his head while Ben watched on, positively delighted and squealing at the display. 

“Yeah,” Danni said as she watched on and put a handful of wrapped plates into the box on the kitchen bench. “For Christmas this year, Tony and I have decided we’re going to get them clothes but we’ll just put paper and boxes under the tree. Maybe we’ll introduce them to bubble wrap, with adult supervision.”

“They’d have a tonne of toys already I bet, from your families,” Peter said, mesmerized by them. He supposed Danni was used to it and tuned out the chaos a little more easily, because she kept one eye on the children and one eye on what she was doing, which was helping him to pack up his kitchen.

“Their grandparents do spoil them,” she said. “But we don’t buy them much, they have their favourite toys that always work. We’re only on Tony’s income and I suppose we’re lucky that they have each other. They almost don’t need…I mean you see how they are together, you put them down and give them something ridiculous and they make a game out of it. We’ll actually probably get them a couple of toys they can push or pull around while they walk; they should both be walking by then.”

“Cool,” Peter said with a casual smile. He was doing his best to ‘be cool’ and temper his excitement, but the fact that Danni was spending the day packing with him while they watched Lucas and Ben would have been unfathomable a week earlier, and they had both slipped into this pattern of acting as though no time had passed at all. 

Maybe this all wouldn’t change Danni’s life very much, but Peter was suddenly looking forward to Christmas. He finally had someone other than Angie to buy for. He could visit maybe on Christmas Eve or whenever suited, and then he could watch the twins do exactly what they were doing now, only perhaps he could also get them some new clothes or storybooks. If Mac were around, he reasoned, she would want to get them storybooks. 

“Do you think about having kids much?” Danni asked suddenly. Peter looked back towards her and realised how distracted he must seem. She was grinning at him.

“Uh, I used to sometimes,” he said. “Not so much anymore. Angie’s the opposite. She’s thinking about it more and more I reckon.”

“She’s thirty-three,” Danni said. “If it’s something she’s always wanted then that doesn’t surprise me. Has she dated anyone? She hasn’t said anything to me.”

“Narr,” Peter said with a chuckle. “I think one of our new bosses has his eye on her a bit, but she’s really…uh-”

“Not ready?” Danni asked. 

Peter shrugged and nodded. They didn’t actually talk about it very much. Or ever. Even though they shared so much of their grief and fears and they still worked together and hung out together, Peter was only just beginning to realise how little they really spoke about their hopes and dreams for the future. Was that because they didn’t exist anymore? Was it because they were so unrecognizable even in their own minds that they didn’t even know how to begin discussing it? 

Peter just felt confused when he tried to think too far into the future. It didn’t always seem as certain as it once had, and on the days when it did seem certain, that didn’t necessarily bring him any comfort.

“Ange and I have a weird relationship,” he managed to articulate.

Danni smirked and raised her dark blonde eyebrows expectantly. 

“Hang on,” she told him before he could say any more. Amidst Peter’s kitchen belongings she quickly gathered a plastic mixing bowl, a plastic cup, two wooden spoons, and two different sized saucepans. “You don’t have a headache, do you?” she asked Peter with all of this bundled in her arms. 

“No,” he said warily. He watched Danni kneel down on the edge of the rug that the boys were sitting on. 

Lucas and Ben were chatting to each other in their little twin language, surrounded by torn paper. However, they both stopped and stared at their mummy when she began arranging the bowls and cup upside down between them. She handed each of them a spoon and waited. Peter walked forward to watch. Lucas poked at the upturned plastic cup to move it with his spoon, and Ben watched him do that very carefully. He tried it with the large saucepan, but that didn’t work, so he whacked it with as much strength as his chubby, nine-month-old arm could muster. 

“Drums?” Peter asked when Lucas joined in. 

“Don’t worry, they’ll wear themselves out after awhile and keep chatting, and the wooden spoons make less noise than metal ones.” Danni laughed as she returned to the kitchen and clapped her hands together. “I just didn’t want them to get sick of the paper game and start fussing while we talked. In half an hour or so, I’ll read them a quick story and put them down for a nap, and we can enjoy some peace and quiet!”

“You’ve taken to this all pretty well,” Peter said with a kind smile. “You’re a really good mum, Danni.”

“Thanks,” she said with a wide smile. “I don’t feel like it all the time, so it’s nice to hear it from a man who isn’t Tony. He’s at least partially obligated to say it.”

“I’m sure he’s not lying,” Peter assured her with a chuckle. “And he seems like a really good dad. Better than mine was, at least.”

“Yeah, he is. I’m lucky that way, and these two kids are pretty easy when they’re both getting along with each other. Now, turn your back on them and keep packing. I want to make sure you know that you don’t absolutely have to move just because Angie said that it made her feel better when she did it. You have to be ready.”

“I think I am,” Peter said as he returned to wrapping paper around his wine glasses. “It’s just trying to get the ‘what ifs’ out of my head. I came up with an idea though. I don’t think Angie would like it, but maybe I can run it by you?”

“Sure.”

“Well, do you think it’s incredibly irresponsible if I leave my forwarding address with the new owners?”

“Irresponsible?” Danni asked curiously. “Or do you mean dangerous?”

“Dangerous.”

“Well, that depends,” she said seriously. He stared at her and she raised her eyebrows pointedly. “Did a mob family or a witches’ coven buy your home, Peter?” 

“No,” he said with a laugh. 

“Oh, then no it’s not dangerous! Paranoid much?”

“Are you sure?” he asked. 

“Church, you’ve lived here for like a decade without a single problem. You didn’t even tell your real estate agent that you were in the police. Nobody knows. You’re just an ordinary guy selling his house to a nice, newly married couple and you’re going to move for a bit of a change. Of course you can leave them with a forwarding address. In fact, more people should do that, because it is such a pain in the ass getting the former owner’s mail for months and months after moving in.”

“Good,” he said. “Because I think that would set my mind at ease.”

“Can I ask a question now?” Danni asked. “And don’t worry, I won’t ask you to put the jug on for a cuppa because I know you’re about to do that anyway…right?”

“Subtle,” Peter teased as he laughed and abandoned his glasses to fill up the jug for her. “What’s your actual question?”

“Well, I suppose it’s sort of personal…I know you’re worried about Mac not being able to find you if she goes looking for you, and having your forwarding address here is a really good way to solve that problem, but have you ever thought of trying to find Mac yourself?”

“What do you mean?” Peter asked. 

Danni stared at him with wide green eyes and an expression of grim frustration.

“Oh, I dunno Church,” she said. “How about asking her biological mother who is some kind of photographer here in the city? Or didn’t Mac grow up in Sydney? How about using your work computers to do a search on this Gene Rueben guy to find out if he’s popped up in the records recently, since as far as I was aware he was of somewhat questionable character to begin with? What happened to her old house? Did she have any friends that you remember her talking to you about? Or other family? What if while you’re waiting around for her to find you, she’s waiting for you to find her? Maybe you could meet in the middle somehow.”

“Well-”

“Because you do realise that by not looking for her, even though Angie tells me you dream about her and you’re obviously worried and you miss her… If you don’t try to find her even when you feel that strongly, then aren’t you just buying into Angie’s anger or apathy a little bit? Believing that how you feel is less important because Mac obviously made the decision to leave so why should you bother to try and find her, when she clearly doesn’t care about you or us anymore and wouldn’t come back in a million years?”

“I don’t believe that at all,” Peter said with a serious frown, as Ben and Lucas continued to bang away and squeal in the background. “Danni, how could you-” 

“I know you don’t believe that,” Danni said quickly, before he could accuse her of not understanding. She reached out and grabbed his hand to give it a squeeze. “I know. You said you couldn’t talk to Angie about this, so talk to me. That’s all.”

“Oh.” He huffed softly to calm down and finished making them both a cup of tea. “Well, I did look into some of those things,” he said. He even smiled, since he was now free to explain. “The biological mother Mac found a few years ago…she’s moved back to Canada. I knew her name was Eve and Angie had told me where she thought there was a gallery, and that’s what they told me. Eve Reisner.”

“Did Mac know that she had moved overseas? Would she go there?”

“She didn’t mention it to me. I have no idea,” Peter said. “If Mac is in Canada well then I’m really stuffed, but I don’t think they were that close. It was still new.”

“Fair enough,” Danni said with a smirk. “What about Gene or her parents?”

“Gene, I’ve kept tabs on,” Peter said, nodding vigorously. “I run his name through the computer once a month to see if anything pops up to give me an idea of where he might be. So far he’s kept his head down, wherever he is. And as for Mac’s parents in Sydney, that would be so terrific…there’s just one, tiny problem with that.”

“What?” Danni asked.

“Mac told me her real name was Kristine Callum. There are actually only a handful of Callums listed publically, but none of them live in a ‘nice’ area. Oscar told me once that Mac said that she grew up in a house that overlooked Sydney Harbour. That doesn’t match with any of the Callums I can access without a reason. I don’t even know their names, or what business they’re in. Also, no Kristine Callum has ever been listed as a missing person in New South Wales or Victoria; I check that regularly too. So my guess is that Mac is still in contact with her parents. Either that or they’re so used to hardly ever hearing from her that they aren’t concerned.”

“Adopted siblings?” Danni asked. 

“One brother, Michael, convicted rapist. They’re not close. He’s got no idea where she is and he refused outright to tell me anything about his adopted parents.”

“Jesus,” Danni said with wide eyes as she looked at him, surprised. “Fair enough. So you have tried to look for her, or at least you’ve got your eyes open.”

“Well yeah,” he said, nodding seriously. “But also I don’t want to hurt your feelings here Danni. This is different. You transferred to another department, you said goodbye to us. I did always think about you Danni, Angie too-”

“She told me about your thumb wars.”

“Yeah exactly. But I was never worried about your wellbeing or safety. Mac vanished. Poof! Her house was boxed up, cleared out, and put on the market without her even being there. I know that because I was staking the place out for so long after she left, hoping I could catch her ducking back in there at some stage. But she never went back there, not even to get her stuff. That has never sat well with me. Does that pretty much cover all those questions you asked me?”

“Yeah,” Danni acknowledged softly. She nodded. “They’re all the ideas I was ever able to come up with. I didn’t pursue any of them. I didn’t know enough about her to do that, like her real name and that information about her parents.”

“Ah, you were only in the unit a few years before it all collapsed. Do you know how long it took me to get that information on Mac? I pestered her for years. Oh, and the one question you asked that I didn’t answer…I have no idea if she had any friends outside of the unit. Once when we were still together I heard her mention friends – her point being that she hadn’t even introduced me to them – but I never heard any names. I have no idea where she would have met these friends, or when, and that was nearly eight years ago, so God only knows if they’re even still friendly.”

“Yeah, that’s a dead end,” Danni said on a sigh.

“So now you know where we stand, in limbo,” Peter said. He cracked a smile and added, “Welcome to Hell.”

*

Tony walked into his bedroom to find Danni flicking through a magazine. 

“Boys still asleep?” she asked. 

“Yeah, I just wanted to see them again before we hit the sack,” Tony said with a chuckle. “They’re exhausted. I even sang them a serenade, and they didn’t stir.”

“That’s because you’re tone deaf so they were probably ignoring you. Also, Peter and I spent more time playing with them today than actually packing.” Danni grinned and stretched an arm out for him, urging him onto the bed to sit beside her. 

“What are you reading?” Tony asked as he complied, and crawled beneath the blankets in his t-shirt and cowboy pyjama pants. He pressed a trio of gentle kisses along Danni’s bare shoulder and looked down at the magazine. “Policing Monthly,” he said for himself as he scanned the page. “Fascinating stuff, Constable Antony.”

“Just keeping up to date,” she said.

“Are you thinking about going back sooner than planned?” he asked curiously. 

“No. I was just talking to Church about work today and actually I realised that I probably don’t miss it as much as I thought I did.”

“Explain please,” Tony said as he brushed her hair aside and kissed her neck. Danni smiled and tilted her head to the side to give him better access.

“Just like how Angie told me that Peter’s in love with the idea of Mac. When I say I miss work, after a bad day with the boys or just a bad day for me generally, I probably only mean that I miss the idea of going to work. The actual…having to actually do the job…oh fuck it,” she said when his lips moved up to her ear. He was sucking on her earlobe and she absolutely could not stand it any longer, so she took his face in her hands and kissed him. 

“No, no, I know what you mean,” Tony mumbled when he pulled away to begin trailing kisses along her jaw and down her throat. 

Danni moaned softly and shuffled down onto her back as Tony leant over her and slipped a hand behind her head, making sure she didn’t hit it on the headboard on her way down. He let go of her only long enough for her to whip her singlet off over her head, but he laughed and had to help her when the built-in support of the top, the extra layer of elasticized cotton, got stuck inside out against one of her large breasts. 

“Oh, that’s not sexy,” Danni said as they wriggled it over her chest, her crossed arms and finally her head. Tony tossed it somewhere over his shoulder as Danni laughed. She lay her freed arms over his shoulders and added, “I am never gonna get better at that, it’s physiologically impossible, I’m huge! Sorry babe.”

“I really don’t care,” he said with a cheeky grin. “I take it you don’t want me to get a condom,” he added before turning his attention directly to her breasts. 

“You don’t have to ask me that every time,” Danni assured him as she ran her fingers tenderly through his hair and over his scalp. “We said no precautions for a year and there’s still a few months…” She drifted off as Tony massaged one breast intently while he sucked and licked the other. “Oh fuck, Tony,” she whispered when his hand left her breast and quickly skidded beneath her shorts to tenderly squeeze her inner thigh and edge upwards. “I’m going to get you back for this, love.”

“Yes please,” he teased when he met her eyes and was able to wiggle his dark eyebrows at her. Danni chuckled and playfully reached for the hem of his shirt. 

“What do you think?” she asked him once his shirt was off, since he was the one who had brought it up again. “Do you still want to keep trying?”

“Do you?” he countered immediately. He leant back down and nuzzled the flat plate of her sternum before he kissed across her heart and around to her shoulder. 

Danni took his chin firmly between her thumb and forefinger and lifted his head so that he was looking down at her. 

“Answer me, please, y’ giant chicken,” she said definitively. 

“I was just staring at the boys before…” he mumbled, and then drifted off. He was blushing under the focused gaze of her bright, green eyes. 

“Go on sweetheart,” she said, softening once he cutely bit his bottom lip.

“Um, I was thinking that they are so perfect, and we are so lucky, Danni. Maybe we shouldn’t tempt fate so much? You’re six months away from thirty-eight, I’m nearly forty, and I would hate for something to…to hurt you, this body of yours, or to risk what we’ve got going on, which I think is a pretty good domestic situation.”

“It is,” Danni assured him as her hand moved from his chin to his cheek. She stroked her thumb along his cheek, where his softer skin met his five o’clock shadow. “I love this family, I do. I love my boys. I’m the Queen of the Awesome Foursome.”

Tony grinned and allowed Danni to draw his lips down to hers for a soft kiss.

“Are you really worried about me?” she asked quietly as they parted.

“Not your mind,” he assured her. He ran the backs of his fingers across her forehead and along her temples. “This last week or so, Danni, it’s amazing, you’re-”

“I know,” she said with a grin as tears filled her eyes and her voice cracked. “I feel like me, the woman from the courtroom who you thought was beautiful. It’s scary for me, the lightness. I’m still on the anti-depressants but this…is more than that.”

“Don’t be scared, bright eyes,” Tony said. “You’re smiling, you’re laughing. And of course we always laugh, I know you love us deeply and I’m not questioning that, but it hasn’t been like this in a long time. Ever since you bounded in with that open house advert you’ve filled every room with purpose and light. You’re relaxed, secure. You’re whole. All I really want is Ben, Lucas, and you. I adore you all.”

“Well you’ve got us,” Danni assured him as she grinned. “Okay you old softie, go and get a precious condom from the bathroom so we can make love before I cry.”

“Oh, you can cry while we’re doing it,” he told her with a suddenly straight face, serious eyes and a shrug. “I don’t mind, I’ll just take it as a sign the sex is good.” 

Danni laughed loudly and sat up to watch him jog to the ensuite. The tease!

*


	11. Chapter 11

ELEVEN

When Shirley Pierce entered the living room of her home from the back door, Angie was absorbed in an old photo album while she sat cross-legged and barefoot on the armchair that she remembered Oscar had claimed on their last visit to the farm together. He had pulled her into his lap over that chair and patted her denim-clad thighs rhythmically as he chatted with his mum and dad about the city. 

Angie remembered feeling incredibly safe and comfortable in that position with him, especially when he stopped patting out a tune on her thigh through her jeans and began to absent-mindedly stroke and rub it. 

She sighed and sat back with her eyes closed, oblivious to Shirley’s entrance. Her own hand rested on her thigh and scratched through the fabric of her jeans, and tears filled her eyes when she realised they were probably the very same pair. How many times had she worn and washed them since Oscar died? Dozens of times? Hundreds of times? She did not even remember what his touch felt like.

“Are you okay Michelle?” Shirley asked in a soft voice. 

Angie shook her head and covered her face with her hands as she began to cry. Why was this happening to her, she wondered? How could she go days without crying, and then one little memory and she lost herself to it? She had been to the cemetery with Brad, she had laid flowers on Shane’s fresh grave with him and said goodbye for Oscar, she had read the suicide note and gone horse-riding with Brad and held Shirley while she cried herself to sleep at all hours. She had even allowed Charlie to show her around his vegetable garden and done her best to remember all of the different herbs he had planted for the spring. 

She hadn’t been down to the lake yet, where Oscar’s ashes had been scattered. If she couldn’t even sit in an old chair and look at photos of him as a boy, how was she supposed to cope at the lake where he had fished with her as a grown man?

Angie felt Shirley’s arms go around her as the older woman perched on the edge of the coffee table that she would have had to drag nearer. Angie leant forward and rested her hands on Shirley’s soft waist as she sobbed into her shoulder. Shirley was soft and warm all over, and she smelt like fresh earth and citrus shampoo. The photo album was still perched precariously on Angie’s crossed legs, but Shirley held her tightly and rubbed her back. 

“Mum are you-” Brad stopped talking when he realised he had rushed to the sound of the wrong woman in tears. 

“I’m fine,” Shirley told him. There was a strength in her voice that hadn’t been there for days, and Angie wondered if it because she was suddenly a hot mess and Shirley knew that she needed to step up and take control for the nearest thing she had ever had to a daughter-in-law. Angie had the irrational thought that what happened if Brad met someone and got married, and Shirley really did get that daughter-in-law; would she still hug Angie like a mother hugged a daughter? Her real mother was so cold. Angie couldn’t deal with another cold shoulder. She wouldn’t cope.

“I’m so sorry,” she wept into Shirley’s shoulder. 

“Shh, Michelle, it’s all right,” Shirley whispered. She reached up and gently removed Angie’s ponytail for her, before raking her fingers through Angie’s hair to comb it down the back of her neck and shoulders. It was soothing and Angie felt her tears slowly subsiding. She wiped her eyes on Shirley’s top and bit her bottom lip, blushing before she actually found the strength to lift her head. 

Angie was embarrassed to see Brad still standing there at the back door, watching them. She felt her whole face, neck and chest begin to flush under the weight of his stare, but Shirley must have noticed, because she laid a steady palm against Angie’s cheek and forced Angie’s attention back towards her. Shirley’s blue eyes bore into Angie’s and she had such a kind smile. Angie rolled her eyes at her own ineptitude as a final few, fat tears dribbled onto her cheeks, the last to escape.

“Sorry,” she said dumbly, as she wiped her cheeks with the sleeve of her sweater. “That came on really fast.”

“It’s okay,” Shirley said as she patiently tucked Angie’s loose hair behind each of her ears. “Honey, you’ve earned it.”

“I haven’t,” Angie said. “Or at least you won’t think so.” She looked down at the album still open in her lap, and the picture of a ten year old Oscar, standing proudly over a smaller Shane and Brad, who were sitting on the grass, tied up around their waists back to back. 

Shirley also looked down to see which photo had caught Angie’s attention.

“Ahh, cops and robbers,” she said with a chuckle. “Guess who was the cop?”

“I need to tell you something,” Angie said, feeling a renewed sense of courage and also urgency. She had to get this out before it broke her. She could not leave the next day without telling them this, and if it meant she never saw them again, well, maybe she could be okay with that one day. It would be worse the longer she left it.

“What is it, Michelle?” Shirley asked as she sat back on the coffee table.

Angie glanced at Brad and wiped her face self-consciously again.

“Um, Brad, where’s your dad?”

“In the shed. Do you want me to get him?”

“Yeah…I need to tell all of you this. It’s really important. It’s about Cam.”

“Oh,” Brad said. His eyes went wide and he hesitated. “Uh…okay.”

“About Cam?” Shirley asked in a curious whisper. She offered Angie a hopeful smile. “What about him?”

“I need to tell you all together,” Angie assured her. She chewed on her bottom lip. “Shirley,” she went on. “May I please have some of these? Just a few, I promise, and I’ll take them to be copied and send you back the originals-”

“No, no, take as many as you like,” Shirley assured her as she stretched forward and laid her hands on the edge of the album. “Sweetheart you need to have some of these as well. I have plenty. You take as many as you like to keep with you, starting with this beautiful cops and robbers photograph. My Cam looks so proud.”

“Thank you,” Angie said. 

“I’m here!” Charlie announced as he lumbered through the back door. “Where’s the fire?”

Brad rolled his eyes as he stepped inside behind his father and practically shoved Charlie forward. Shirley stood. 

“Michelle has something important to tell us about Cameron,” she said. 

“Oh,” Charlie said. He sounded as stunned and unsure as Brad, and Angie supposed it was because for the past two weeks all the attention had been on Shane.

“Let’s sit dad,” Brad said as he gestured for his dad to sit on the couch. Shirley sat back down on the coffee table, close to Angie. 

Angie took a deep breath and looked between them all, before she settled on Shirley. Shirley’s blue eyes were the most like her son’s in colour and depth, and that made it both incredibly easy and incredibly painful to meet those eyes with complete openness, but that was what she did. 

“Okay,” Angie began. “Before I start, I just want you to know how much Cam loved you all, and how much I…I love you too.”

“Oh, we know that honey,” Shirley assured her hurriedly. “You’re always-”

“No please, let me get this out,” Angie said, pleading with her as she looked skyward to fight off more tears and the tremours she felt gaining momentum at her fingertips. She slowly closed the album and held onto it tightly so that she did not give herself away. “I’ll start with the easy bit,” she decided aloud. She looked to Brad and Charlie and simply said, “I’m a cop.”

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Shirley sit back slightly, surprised. 

“I passed my Senior Constable’s exam six months ago. I’ve been in the police for twelve years, since I was twenty-one years old.”

“Uh, wow,” Brad said. “I mean that’s actually not as surprising as it probably looks to you now, looking at all of us and our stunned-mullet faces.”

“I think Cam was always concerned about what you thought of his life in the city, and whether he was safe and happy,” Angie said. “He wanted you to think that he was with a ‘nice girl’, the kind of girlfriend he thought you would approve of.”

“Michelle, that’s nonsense!” Shirley said, finding her voice. Her eyes were wide. “You are perfect no matter what you do for a living! We don’t think any less of you because you’re a police officer. Goodness, you both could have told us that.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Angie said softly. “There’s a reason, and it involves…a slightly lengthy explanation.”

“Go for it,” Brad assured her firmly. Angie took another deep breath and glanced at the album, before again looking straight into Shirley’s eyes. 

“Cam and I actually met at the Police Academy,” she said. “We actually stood side by side at graduation because his last name was Pierce and mine is Piper. Um, and we didn’t see each other after graduation for a few years, we went to different stations and were in uniforms on general duties, you know, like regular cops. I kind of forgot about him. Then uh, I applied for a specialist position. They were looking for Constables with a few years experience to sit a special psych exam to be accepted into a training program for Covert Services…and apparently I aced it. So did Cameron.”

“Covert Services,” Shirley repeated on a whisper. Angie nodded, eyes wide.

“Yes. When I arrived on my first day, he was there. He’d been there a few months already. It was such a relief to see a familiar face because I was so nervous-” She paused to smile to try to show that relief to Shirley. 

The older woman offered her a tentative, cautious smile in return. 

“Anyway,” Angie continued, suddenly more nervous than she had been just minutes earlier. “See, in the sort of job we were a part of, it was very secretive. We’re talking about plain clothes, gritty, risky, undercover work. As a precaution, some operatives – that’s what we were – we changed our names, and we used different names at work to our legal names. I never did that, I didn’t have any close ties to family that I wanted to protect, but uh, Cam did. I only ever call him Cam when I’m with you. In my head and…and in my heart…his name was Oscar Stone.”

“Dear God,” Charlie said under his breath. 

“Oscar?” Shirley echoed. “Oscar Stone? That was my boy’s name in the city?”

“Yes. Um, and I really cared about him, I did. I still do. I miss him so much and I really hate myself for what I’m about to tell you, but whatever you do please, please don’t hate your son. Please.”

“Michelle, honey-”

“My name isn’t Michelle,” Angie said before she chickened out. 

Shirley had gone to touch her but immediately reared back. 

“What?” she asked. 

“My name is Angie. My name is Angie Piper. Angela Jade Piper. When you first met me, Charlie, you and Shane, I’d volunteered to sit with Oscar at the hospital. He was unconscious and I needed to call our colleagues if his condition changed, and I was also there as his police guard, to make sure nothing else happened to him. When Charlie came to the hospital with Shane, I told them my name was Michelle because, well, that’s what we did. Whenever we meet somebody new, we think up a name and an occupation that isn’t the police. Self-preservation was our highest priority, always. 

“Afterwards, Oscar – Cameron – he was so impressed that you all thought he had found himself a nice girlfriend, that he refused to tell you over the phone that ‘Michelle’ had dumped him, or that things had ended. In my mind, I think he refused to do that because maybe he did see me in his future, and he didn’t want to create a situation where one day he couldn’t come back and introduce me properly…but I’ll never really know the reason for sure.

“One week about five and a half years ago now, whenever the last time we were here together was, I’d been suspended, I was desperately in need of a break from the undercover work. Oscar suggested we come up here for a visit, as Cam and Michelle. It was so wonderful, it was perfect. I know it ended badly, with that guy following us up here and holding Shirley and Brad and Oscar hostage until I could get that bloody bow and arrow to work properly, but um…until then, I hadn’t felt a part of a real family like this in a long time. It was just what we’d both needed. Oscar and I came away from that visit much closer, but um, importantly…not together.”

Angie paused and let that all sink in. It was a lot of information. She looked over at Brad and Charlie, who were sitting on the couch with identical postures and identical looks of shock on their face. Shirley, on the other hand, was hunched forward over the coffee table and was peering at Angie with wide eyes and a deep frown on her forehead. Uh-oh, Angie thought. This was going to be bad.

“Not together?” she asked. 

Angie pressed her lips together and shook her head.

“I’m sorry Shirley but I only kissed your son just once on the lips. Just once.”

“Not together,” she repeated.

“No,” Angie whispered. “Best, best friends. He was my best friend. He was…I think he might have been my soul mate, and he was the most beautiful man because of all of you. I loved him, I just…we just…we never…we dated other people.”

“So you worked together?” Brad asked from the couch. “As undercover cops? For how long?”

“Yes,” Angie said, glad for the reprieve from Shirley’s distraught gaze. She looked to Brad and Charlie to answer. “Yes we worked together for around seven years I guess. I knew all about the testicular cancer because we all had to know, and he did speak to me privately about it, but um…he really struggled with that. I wasn’t always let in on how he was feeling, and then when he died, when he was shot-”

“Were you there?” Charlie asked, suddenly understanding. “Were you there?”

“I wasn’t far away,” Angie answered. “A good friend and colleague of ours got there first, he was there when Oscar died. But I know exactly what happened, and there are so many things I wish he’d known in those short, really scary minutes for him. Afterwards, when I came back here to scatter his ashes with you all…I couldn’t tell you the truth then. It was too soon, and I was so focused on trying to say goodbye to this man I’d known. I didn’t want to jeopardise my opportunity to be here, or put an end to how safe I feel up here with you all by telling you what is actually a huge trade secret, but I know it might also feel like a deceit, and I am so sorry.”

“It’s okay Shell,” Brad said. He blushed and corrected himself. “Angie,” she said. “It’s okay Angie. You still saved our lives all those years back when that guy came after Cam with his shotgun. That still counts. You still loved him too, right?”

“Yes,” Angie whispered. “Sometimes like a brother, sometimes like more, but I wasn’t his girlfriend. In the last few years for me it felt like a possibility, but we never got the chance to figure that out. I wish every day that we could do that now. Once, I heard him tell some other girl that we never would have worked because I was like his sister and I…I pulled away, ashamed, and I wish I hadn’t. We weren’t as close after that, and before I knew it a year or two had passed, and then he was gone. 

“He’s gone, Brad, and when you walked in here just before and I was crying it was because I remembered him holding me when we were up here all those years ago, in this chair I’m sitting in now in fact, and he hadn’t held me like a sister, and it never felt like we were acting, but we never talked about it and so I didn’t know, I don’t know how to talk about it with all of you. I must sound like a stranger, just a horrible person, and I’m used to people feeling used and looking at me like I betrayed them, so before I leave tomorrow, or maybe tonight if you want, I’ll tell you anything about the job and about Oscar that you want, I promise, but I just, I’m sorry, I just, I can’t-”

“Shh, shh,” Shirley said gently before Angie hyperventilated. She did reach out then, and she rested her hand over Angie’s closest knee. “Don’t talk, just take a few deep breaths for me. You’re family and you’re safe here, just breathe.”

Angie did as she was told as she leant forward with her elbows on her knees and covered her burning face with her hands.

“Your name is Angela?” Shirley said then, just to double check. “Angie?” 

Angie heard herself laugh into her palms before she knew what she was doing. She nodded, and lifted her blue eyes over the tips of her fingers to look at the older woman with as much hope and sincerity as she could muster. 

“Is that okay?” she asked. 

It was Shirley’s turn to laugh as she nodded. She lifted her hand to comb it again through Angie’s blonde hair, which had fallen forwards and was dangling by her bright pink, wet cheeks. 

“It’s okay, my darling,” Shirley whispered, her own blue eyes filled with tears. “This probably means very little coming from me, since it seems my son didn’t share very much about his life with me at all, but I am absolutely positive that my son Cameron adored you, no matter what he told other people about you, no matter who else you dated or what happened at work and with your friendship. He loved you, I am so certain of that. He was just scared, sweetheart. You were both just scared.”

“I know,” Angie said softly. “It’s just a giant bummer we never said it.”

“I am so sorry that didn’t happen,” Shirley said.

“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you all sooner, too,” Angie said. “If we had, maybe Shane wouldn’t have thought Cam was so brave. He wasn’t. On the job, yeah, we both are pretty brave and fearless because we have to be, but when it came to fessing up to you all about this whole ‘Michelle’ business, he said it would break your heart.”

“Of course he did, the silly chicken,” Shirley said with a playful purse of her lips and a roll of her eyes. Angie giggled softly and wiped fresh tears from her eyes. 

“So let me get this straight,” Charlie said as he leant forward in his seat. “You and my son have known each other since the Police Academy, you worked together in plain clothes as undercover cops, you’ve never been in a relationship, his name is Oscar and your name’s not Michelle?”

“Well legally his name remained Cameron Pierce,” Angie said. “It’s just altered as a protected identity in the police database. But basically, yeah, that’s right.”

“But dad,” Brad said, springing to her defence like a little brother. “Cam would have wanted her here now. He’d have said there was no one else for the job.”

“Of course there isn’t, she’s a police officer,” Charlie said. “She’s better equipped to deal with this shit than all of us put together! Christ. That little bugger told us he was gonna marry this girl. If he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him myself.”

“Charles Maxwell Pierce!” Shirley exclaimed. 

Angie laughed at Charlie being middle-named by his wife, and Shirley soon wrapped her up in another urgent, motherly hug. It was an embrace that Angie returned with all the strength and thanks she had left to give. It seemed she could stay.

*


	12. Chapter 12

TWELVE

“Knock-knock!” Angie sang as she walked around the back of Danni’s house a week later, as per the instructions on her phone. She was also guided by the smell of a barbeque that she sensed included rissoles and onions and perhaps even a hint of roasting tomato, with herbs and garlic. Her stomach rumbled loudly. 

“Angie!” Danni exclaimed as soon as she came into view. Danni leapt happily from her chair and pulled Angie into a long embrace. “Well look who decided to grace us with her presence.”

“Yeah-yeah,” Angie said on an embarrassed laugh as she pulled back. Peter and Tony were standing by the barbeque, and Angie grinned when she saw Peter bouncing baby Ben on his hip. “You passed the parenting course and they let you hold one, eh Church?” she asked, teasing him. 

Peter rolled his eyes but grinned and leant down to kiss her cheek. He briefly gripped her elbow. Tony then did the same and Angie blushed, realising it was the first time she had really properly greeted Danni’s fiancé. 

“What’s this about ‘I’m only going for a week’?” Peter insisted immediately once the formalities were out of the way. “Two weeks…the boss is having a fit!”

“Oh well, there was lots to do,” Angie said. Ben was staring at her with his big, hazel eyes and Angie took both of his hands and gently swung his arms as she grinned at him and pulled faces.

“Wanna hold him?” Peter asked. 

“Sure,” she said. She added an, “Oomf”, when Peter bounced him across to her and she realised just how unexpectedly heavy he was. “Where’s Lucas?” she asked. She turned around to look at Danni, who she confirmed was empty-handed.

“Still asleep upstairs,” Danni explained. She pointed to the baby monitor not far away. “Ben won’t lie down for more than an hour at a time usually, but Lucas likes his solid three hours or so.”

“Is that because of his heart?” Angie asked curiously as Danni gestured for her to come and sit down with Ben in her lap, which would be more comfortable. She had just driven four hours without a break, after all. Her lower back was aching and her eyes felt dry and scratchy. She could do with a nap as well, to be honest.

“No, just his chilled-out personality,” Danni said. She pointed to Tony. “Like that cool cat over there. Nearly forty, and still loves his sleep-ins and naps.”

“Sleep is very good for you,” Tony declared. “You all could do with a lot more of it.”

“Got that right,” Peter said with a laugh. “So Ange, come on, how was the trip? You stayed an extra week. How are Stoney’s family coping?”

“Up and down,” she told them honestly. “Charlie, Oscar’s dad, he’s really quiet about it all and doesn’t like talking about anything other than the property. Brad was really nice and generous and we had some good chats. I never had a brother growing up but he’d be a really good one, I reckon. Plus, he never had a sister, so I think we came to the understanding that we could consider each other in that way from now on. That way he’s not left without any siblings at all…he was the youngest too, so he really needs someone older than him to give him a hard time.”

“Oscar would have insisted upon that!” Danni declared. 

Peter and Angie chuckled as Ben stretched out for his mother. Angie passed him off, and watched with a soft smile as Danni wrapped him up in her arms for a cosy, fun sort of cuddle that he nestled into, almost equally as playful. 

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?” Angie said, teasing softly.

“Not really,” Danni admitted as she kissed her son’s forehead and then blew a raspberry against his blonde hair. He looked stunned and unsure whether to grin, but soon started babbling about something that obviously was very important to him. 

“I bet you can’t wait to understand what he’s trying to say,” Peter said. 

“We’re not sure,” Tony said. “Once he realises that we understand him, we might never get him to shut up. Anyway, go on Angie, how is Oscar’s mother?”

“She’s doing it really tough,” Angie said, watching Tony turn the rissoles on the barbeque and swish the onions about to make sure they were properly crispy. “Um,” she hummed thoughtfully. “We had a good talk though, and she let me take a dozen photographs of Oscar from the family albums. I have them in the car. Baby pictures, a picture of his first day at school, a few with his brothers, and some when he was a teenager, one when he was in his twenties and home for Christmas…and a couple of the two of us from when we visited nearly six years ago now. I totally forgot they were taken, but they’re so nice. I’m going to put them all in one of those frames that holds lots of photos, and make kind of a collage of Oscar for my house.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Danni said softly. 

“And as Brad pointed out, a sure-fire way to scare off any future boyfriends!” Angie said with a laugh. “But I told him I don’t care about that. If I ever have a relationship with another man…if he can’t handle Oscar’s wall, he can leave.”

“Yeah, that’s a good gauge. The really special ones who are worth all the effort are the guys that don’t mind so much about the past and they totally understand the importance of the people in your life.” Danni looked in Tony and Peter’s direction. Both men were listening to their conversation, and she saw them briefly also glance at one another and share a small smile. Good, she thought to herself. 

“You mean like these two?” Angie said, completely without tact, as she gestured to Tony and Peter.

“Oi!” Peter said in a huff. 

“Yes, exactly like that,” Danni said with a smile. She laid her cheek against the top of Ben’s head. He felt like he was drifting off against her chest for another power nap, but she could not be bothered taking him inside, so he could just lie against her. Tony would bring her a plate for their lunch when it was ready anyway.

“Here Ange,” Peter said as he brought a beer over to Angie. “Brought your fav since Danni here assured me that you’d make it. Good to have you back.”

“Thanks Pete,” Angie said with a grin. “This is nice, a Sunday afternoon barbeque. Very civilized. So is the boss really mad I extended the leave?”

“Ah, kind of yeah,” Peter said with a shrug. “But hey, welcome to the club. I’m always in bloody trouble so I just covered your ass and took the heat.”

“Aw, thanks matie,” Angie said, laughing. “You’ve been in trouble with every boss you’ve ever had, I reckon.”

“Oh yeah,” Peter agreed. “Actually the boss I had the least trouble with was always Bernie.”

“Bernie Rocca?” Angie asked, thinking back to the boss they’d had in the unit before Mac took over. He was the one who had split Mac and Pete up, she was sure of it, and it seemed strange to her that Peter had such fond memories of him. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Peter said with a nod. “I pretty much had him wrapped around my little finger. I think because he knew me before I got into the job, he knew me after Alice was killed, and he sort of pulled me up by the scruff of my neck and shoved me into the job to try to keep me on track, cos he saw some promise in me I s’pose. Anyway, I could do no wrong. Mac hated it. It drove her mental, it was hilarious.”

“I bet,” Danni said with a smirk. 

“The only thing I really could have smacked him for is what he did to the two of us, but besides that…he was putty in my hands, and it was left up to Mac to glare at me and waggle her finger and make me promise to never, ever go off-script again.”

“Which of course was a promise you took very seriously I bet,” Tony said, jumping into the conversation. 

“Always mate,” Pete said with a sturdy nod and happy chuckle.

“Hang on, rewind a second,” Danni said. “I want to hear what Bernie did to you and Mac in more detail? What did he do exactly?”

“Well I could do no wrong, like I said,” Peter explained without too much prodding. “So of course when he realised Mac and I were having some ‘fling’ he bypassed me completely and went straight to Mac. I’m pretty sure he accused her of being unprofessional and sort of, like, she was in a position of influence as my superior officer, all that bullshit. He pretty much told her that if the relationship continued ‘one of us’ would need to be transferred…and as if he was going to transfer me out of the unit, when I was the senior operative on the team with half a dozen busts lined up and on the go. He put it all on her, he gave her the ultimatum.”

“Did he accuse Mac of sexually harassing you?” Danni asked.

“Not in so many words,” Peter said. “In hindsight I reckon he was probably the one discriminating against her because she was a woman. He talked to her all by herself, and it’s not like he ever talked to me about it, not even afterwards. We never spoke about it. He never even…look, it’s pretty meaningless now, but Rocca never even asked me how I felt about Mac. I’m almost certain he never asked Mac how she felt about me, not while also giving her any confidence that if she answered honestly she’d actually be listened to like a respectable female copper, you know?”

“Yeah,” Angie said softly as she frowned and stared at Peter. She hadn’t known the dynamics of what had happened around the end of the affair. It was interesting. Beside her, Danni was clearly disgusted and rolling her eyes. She had never met Bernie, and she wouldn’t because he had taken an early retirement. 

“Sorry to hear that Pete,” Tony said. “Sounds like a raw deal.”

“Well it was a long time ago, like seven years,” Peter said with a shrug. “It still irks me if I think about it, but mostly cos I was a tosser and I never tried to stick up for her. If someone spoke like that to any of my mates on the job now, I’d be right in there with something to say about it, but because I wasn’t there I had no input, and I reckon Rocca decided on that deliberately, because he knew Mac could easily be persuaded if he dangled her career in front of her like live bait about to be hooked.”

“That’s not fair at all,” Danni said. “So what if she was having a relationship with a colleague? More than a year is not a ‘fling’ even if there are boundaries. And Mac would have worked so hard just to get to where she was by then. Your boss probably knew it. She and I are the same age, and she was a Detective Senior Sergeant in Covert Ops. When I arrived, I was told that she was also the only woman running a unique unit. That is a very big deal.”

“Still is,” Peter said. “No policewomen are running units anymore. Anyway, I still think I should have talked to Bernie about how it was handled and settled things properly with Mac. She should have known I had her back. Instead, I accepted that she had made a decision, and I jumped into the Rossi case feet-first, got in deep, fell in love with Christina, and before I knew it we were engaged and I was about to quit and ditch Mac and the job and then bam, Chrissie’s dead too…With so much going on I just never got around to squaring off with Bernie on the Mac issue. It seems more important now than it did at the time. I can’t imagine what it looked like to Mac!”

“Uh, like you were on the rebound,” Angie told him obviously. “Even Oscar and I knew something was up, the ridiculous way you were acting. We all thought you’d lost your marbles, and Mac was totally blown away by this idea that you were about to throw everything away to marry into a mob family you were sent to bust.”

“I never said I was smart or in a good headspace,” Peter pointed out. Angie just rolled her eyes. “Anyway,” Peter added. “I’ll apologise to her one day.”

“Yeah right,” Angie huffed under her breath, rolling her eyes a second time. “On that bright note,” she said. “I came clean to Oscar’s family about the Michelle thing. They know my name is Angie and they know I’m a cop and that Oscar and I never had a romantic relationship. Just putting it out there, that’s all sorted now.”

“Were they okay with it?” Peter asked.

“Once they picked their jaws up off the floor, yes,” Angie said with a smirk. “Shirley was lovely, actually. I got invited to stay for an extra week, and if it makes any of you feel good about yourselves, I feel quite loved actually, with Danni coming back so happily just before I left and then being invited here out of the blue, knowing I’ve settled things with the Pierce family and they still want me in their lives as well. It’s not perfect, but I haven’t been a part of a family like this in awhile. So cheers.”

“Cheers!” they all said, even though Peter and Angie were the only ones holding beers. They clinked them together and smiled at one another gently. 

“I suppose it’s superfluous to tell you that you can basically consider yourself an aunty to the boys,” Danni said. 

“Superfluous?” Angie retorted plainly. “Is Tony teaching you new words?”

“Ha, yes!” Tony said with a laugh from beside the barbeque. “And well done babe, you used it in the right context and everything.”

“Very funny,” Danni said in a playful huff. 

“So Ange,” Peter interrupted. “You’re staying here in the city?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Angie said. “Why are you asking that?”

“I thought maybe they might ask you to stay out that way, you know, so you’re closer to Shirley and you could be a country cop and it’s quiet and safe and you might feel closer to Oscar out there.”

“Oh,” Angie said. Her voice was soft and her eyes wide and serious. “I didn’t think of that. That’s a really good point…I might look into it.”

“Noooo, see what you did, Peter!” Danni said in jest, a half-second before Angie cracked up and cackled at the frightened look on Peter’s face. “Come on Church,” Danni went on. “As if she would leave moi!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, rolling his eyes. He took a sip of his beer and went back to standing near Tony at the barbeque. 

“Nice one,” Danni said quietly to Angie. Angie smirked at her and shrugged.

“The truth is,” Angie said with her voice lowered so that the two men didn’t hear her. “I was worried about how Pete would do without me, but he seems okay.”

“Yeah, I’ve spent a lot of time with him,” Danni muttered in reply. “He’s been good though, we’ve had some really good talks and he loves the boys so that’s good.”

“No jealousy or anything?” Angie asked seriously. “Considering the two of you and uh, the baby you might have had together, how it went wrong?”

“Don’t think so. That was just one of those unpredictable things on all fronts.”

“So uh…” Angie hesitated, and again checked that Peter and Tony were engaged in a conversation of their own. Lunch was about to be served anyway, as Tony switched off the barbeque and Peter grabbed a handful of paper plates.

“Ange?” Danni asked. “So uh, what?”

“Oh, right. So um, if one day I did move away for an extended period of time…do you think he’d be okay?”

“Sure,” Danni said as she eyed her friend seriously. “Why?”

“Well it’s not the worst suggestion he’s ever had,” Angie told her with wide blue eyes and a straight face. She knew that Danni wasn’t actually sure whether or not she was serious and that was how Angie wanted it to stay; Angie didn’t even know if she was serious! She raised a dark blonde eyebrow and waited for Danni to respond.

“Ahuh,” Danni finally said with a wary grimace. “Just don’t pull an exit like Mac’s on him and he’ll be fine.”

“Ha, as if,” Angie said. She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t give Mac the satisfaction of thinking she’d been any sort of decent human friend by copying.”

“Ooh, burn!” Danni said light-heartedly. 

“Yeah well, let’s not talk about it,” Angie said. “You seem well?”

“I am,” Danni said with a broad grin. “I’m really good. Tony and I have decided our family is complete as it is, and it’s nice not to have that pressure on my body to magically perform sitting in the back of my mind all the time. Plus I have genuinely enjoyed spending time with Church. He’s terrific with the boys and he and Tony are getting on great, considering.”

“Well they’re both decent fellas,” Angie pointed out. 

“I just feel like an idiot for not allowing all of this to fall into place sooner. Like, I insisted on keeping myself out in limbo because I…I don’t know, because I felt like I deserved it? It doesn’t make any sense. I never did anything wrong.”

“No, of course not,” Angie said. “But I know that feeling, and you know where it comes from? It comes from feeling like you failed because you didn’t save Oscar, and because Mac left us out in the cold with a factory falling apart. We took the heat for her, in the end. We got blamed for being in debt and dysfunctional. Pete and I should have held on tighter to you Danni…we were just distraught ourselves.”

“Oh, just a bit,” Danni teased with a knowing smirk that had Angie giggling.

“What are you two laughing about?” Tony asked as he did indeed bring Danni a full plate of food; the meat and onions and tomato also accompanied by a bread roll already cut open and waiting for her to arrange. “Here love, Danni, let me take Ben. I’ll put him upstairs with Lucas.”

“Thanks,” Danni said as they did a familiar shuffle around of child and food. 

“Bye Ben,” Angie said softly to the sleeping baby as his father carried him inside. She pushed herself out of the chair then and walked over to the barbeque, where Peter was serving himself up a towering plate of food. “That smells so good,” Angie whispered as she stopped at his side and leant her head against his shoulder. “I missed you,” she admitted tiredly.

“Me too, Ange,” Peter replied quietly. “I’m proud of you though. Big trip.”

“Very big trip,” she confirmed. “So good though. I had a few good cries.”

“It’s therapeutic, or so I hear.”

“Mm,” she hummed. He handed her a plate and the tongs and she collected her meat and onions and tomato. “This really is nice,” she said. “It’s perfect, in fact.”

“Almost perfect,” Peter agreed. 

Angie pressed her lips together and said nothing to begin with. After all, he was referring to Mac. It would be just so perfect if she was there as well, and if they were all friends just like before, as though nothing bad had ever happened. Except that Oscar would still be dead. Angie could not think of anything worse than making small talk with Mac over a sweetie-darling, all’s-forgiven barbeque. Yuck.

Still, she couldn’t say that to Peter even if he already suspected. He was not the idiot he pretended to be, and he was excellent at reading body language and analysing the little things that were or weren’t said in conversation. That was actually a big part of his job and it was what had kept him alive in undercover for so long. 

But Angie wanted to say something positive, because she had missed him.

“That was wrong, what Bernie said to Mac,” she said. “Totally unfair.” 

That much was true, after all. 

“Yeah it was, Ange,” Peter agreed on a sigh. “It was really, really, not fair.”

Angie got the distinct impression that Peter felt Mac was still getting the raw end of the deal, and she fought the urge to roll her eyes and audibly scoff. Instead, she took her plate and walked back to Danni with a smile plastered on her face, because Danni was clearly delighted to see her and again, Angie felt appreciated. It was nice. 

*


	13. Chapter 13

THIRTEEN

“Okay,” Peter admitted as he collapsed on the grass and stared out over the beach and the water ahead. “So moving closer to the water wasn’t the dumbest idea on the planet when you factor in the evening run.” He was puffing, sweating, and his running companion took a seat beside him and waved his arm about to gesture at the water.

“Yeah, it’s not a bad view,” Tony said. “Relaxing. The total opposite to my workplace, and I reckon yours as well.”

“Yep!” Peter said, laughing despite his dry throat. “But I’m not doing anything too heavy at the moment. It’s just Drug Squad’s dirty work, mostly.”

“Is that one of those situations where no matter how many you arrest more just keep popping up to take their place?”

“Pretty much,” Peter said. “Reassuring, isn’t it?”

“Hardly,” Tony said. He chuckled as well, both men in a good mood after their five kilometre jog. “So when do you actually move into the new place?”

“I don’t have to be out of the old house for another month,” Peter said. “Six week settlement, but I’m already paying rent on the new one so I’m about halfway shifting everything. I’ll be out sooner. Your buddy’s been helping me with it all.”

“She’s mentioned it once or twice,” Tony said. 

“You don’t mind, do you?” Peter asked him. Tony shook his head. 

“Narr mate, we’re all good on that front. I’ve been trying to convince Danni to track you both down pretty much since the day she told me she’d been diagnosed with PTSD and that she was pregnant with the twins all on the one day. That was a fun conversation. I found her sitting in the hallway in the dark because it was the only place in her old house where there were no windows or doors, where absolutely no one from outside could see her. It was the only place she felt safe. So I sat down beside her and we had a little chat about how comfortable the polished floors were.”

“Oh, I’ve been there, mate,” Pete assured him. He glanced at Tony and smiled. “And you didn’t run away, eh? As her friend…thanks for that, Tony.”

“Ah, it’s no big deal. By then I was all in. I’ve seen journalists crack it after coming back from countries in Africa and the Middle East, and I knew all about the job and what was going on at that time. What you guys do, not just observing but participating…I respect it. And I love her, that helps me see past the crazy.”

“Very funny,” Peter said with a chuckle. “So you two were pretty serious even by the time Oscar was killed?”

“Yeah,” Tony said. “Danni had come clean about what she really did in the police by then, and we were already talking about kids, and we’d kind of said ‘I love you’ and confirmed that a future together was what we wanted. She’d told me all about what had gone on with you two…in fact I think that conversation was just a couple of days before Oscar was killed. We were talking about kids and she felt like she had to explain that it might not happen. And I’d had ‘special top secret briefings’ on all of you. You, Oscar, Angie, and Mac too; Danni went on and on about you all.”

“Then what happened?” Peter asked. “I mean, I know what happened, but-”

“You know the first thing I heard that day, right?” Tony asked. He looked at Peter, but Peter shook his head. Tony frowned. “I was in the newsroom at the paper,” he explained. “I was on the floor when the story broke that a gunman had opened fire in a major city hospital during some sort of police operation, and there were multiple police casualties.” 

“Ah shit,” Peter said on a sigh. “You panicked?”

“Well, a little bit yeah!” Tony said. “Obviously there are a lot of cops in the city and I didn’t know what Danni was working on, and I had no reason to think that she was anywhere near the hospital at the time, but I’m the paper’s crime reporter, so the first thing I have to do is get on the phone to Police Media Liaison and try to find out what’s happened. They couldn’t tell me anything. No names were being released yet, they wouldn’t confirm or deny any sort of ‘operation’ at the hospital. The less I was being told as it went from half an hour to an hour to two hours later, the more worried I got. I couldn’t call Danni in case it was high-risk, but I had messaged her to ask, ‘are you okay?’ and she hadn’t answered me back.”

“But she did eventually?”

“Yeah, she messaged me to say she was sitting out the front of my house and could I come home please. I rushed home, and thank God she wasn’t hurt, but that’s when she fell apart. I was really, really sorry to hear about Oscar. I’d never met him but like I said, I’d been fully briefed. I know he was a good guy.”

“Yeah,” Peter said on a sigh. “Danni never mentioned you, mate.”

“No, she went into her own little lockdown,” Tony said. “Until then, she had been prepared to integrate her work and personal life, but as soon as Oscar was killed it was like ‘nope, not doing that’. I was fine with that to begin with, but once things calmed down and we were having the kids and she wasn’t even in your unit anymore I thought maybe it would be good for her to catch up with you all again. I reckon she just needed time to figure out what the fuck was going on up inside her head.”

“Yeah look, PTSD, I dunno how much you know about it,” Peter said. “It doesn’t really go away, and it can alter your perception even when you look and act fine. You start jumping to the worst possible conclusions before anything’s actually happened, and then you just stop allowing things to happen and close down.”

“Mm, that’s it,” Tony said with a nod. 

“For what it’s worth,” Peter added. “Danni’s probably the best adjusted and doing the best out of the three of us, and that’s got a lot to do with you. If she’d stayed cooped up with us, we would’ve just dragged her down. Having you and the boys to keep her going, that’s a big deal. She’s great. I forgot how damn funny she is!”

“Aw man, is she stealing my jokes again?” Tony asked, pretending to be shocked and upset. “I work so hard at those, dammit!”

“Okay, you’re both clowns, I get it,” Peter said on a laugh. “We need that though. Angie and I…we don’t laugh so much. So Danni told you all about Mac too?”

“Oh yeah, are you kidding?” Tony asked. He grinned broadly at Peter. “I know Danni only worked with you all for a few years but she really liked Mac. She respected her, said she was a good person, and I reckon if they weren’t Detective Senior Sergeant and lowly Constable, Danni would have been on her to become best friends! You heard her the other day; she’s proud Mac achieved so much.”

“Yeah, that was nice to hear her say, actually. Mac would have brushed it off as no big deal, but I don’t think I ever told her I was proud of her either. Woops.”

“Back when I was being briefed, Danni said that Mac was never afraid to make the tough calls on the job; safety first. She said Mac was really good about what went on with you and Danni, and she also said that Mac always dealt with any other cops in Homicide or Drug Squad who you were liaising with. It meant that when Danni transferred to Missing Persons as Rachel Antony, her real name, no one knew. So I guess ultimately…how Mac ran things made Danni feel safe.”

“Safety first,” Peter whispered. He hadn’t always clearly abided by that rule.

“What else,” Tony mused, trying to think back. He ran a hand through his curly, dark brown hair and looked out towards the ocean. “Oh I know, she said Mac was quietly very brave; that once she got stuck with a needle while stepping-in on the job and had to deal with the whole HIV-testing wait while she looked after you lot – that was when Danni was really new – and then another time she went undercover on this black market organ trade case and you all lost her position and she was anesthetized and nearly lost her kidney! So those are the things that made her brave-”

“They could have killed her!” Pete said on a laugh. “Anyway, go on.”

“Lastly, she said that sometimes Mac could be really hard to read and so people who didn’t know her well thought she was intimidating or very serious, and that’s what Danni originally thought when she met her. Mac could appear really tough and cold, but once you got to know her and learnt how to read her – and she didn’t let just anyone close enough to even figure out how to do that – then you could see that on the inside she was…I think, ‘softer and more lonely than the rest of us’. Danni said Mac was, ‘a fiercely loyal friend to the point of not being able to talk about it, because on some days she held our lives in the palms of her hands and she knew it acutely’.”

“Danni said that to you?” Peter asked with wide blue eyes that suddenly filled with tears. He stared at Tony with an open mouth as his heart beat rapidly in his chest.

“Yeah,” Tony said with an earnest nod and chuckle. “And Danni’s not usually the most eloquent copper, but I memorised it because it was the sort of thing that as a journalist I hear and think, ‘Wow, what a feature article this would be, this is bloody fascinating, the underbelly of the city’s undercover units and the policewomen who keep them going!’…Not that I would ever write anything like that, I’m strictly off-record with Danni and, I should assure you, all her friends. It’s a lifetime guarantee.”

“Thanks,” Peter said. “She really told you all of that? Really?”

“Oh yeah. Like I said, she went on and on and on about all of you. So it didn’t surprise me at all when she was kind of forced to go back to being Rachel after she left and she didn’t handle it well. But we just made sure she got help and we kept life moving forwards together and it was working all right…but again, it also didn’t surprise me when she finally got to the point with her shrink that she could say, ‘Actually I need to not be Rachel anymore’. She’s been on the up-and-up since then. She had a therapy appointment again today…boy is that therapist gonna get a shock!”

“I’ve noticed,” Peter said with a smile. “Danni’s a strong woman.”

“That she is,” Tony agreed, grinning proudly. 

“So…she told you all this stuff about us, then Oscar dies and Mac takes off and everything changes. You never actually meet us, Danni refuses to try to find us…did you try to do that for her, just in case she needed it?”

“I thought about it,” Tony said. “I’ve got sources inside the police, obviously, but two things stopped me. One, if I did find out about you or Mac and then I kept it from Danni because I knew she wasn’t ready to hear it, and she found out I’d been keeping it from her because ‘I thought she couldn’t handle it’, then I’d be in big trouble.”

“Good point,” Pete said, laughing along as Tony pulled a face.

“The other thing that stopped me looking, specifically for Mac, because I know that’s where you’re going with this, is the idea that if she was running, if Mac really was so security-conscious and if she had PTSD that was similar to Danni in any way, then if she happened to get wind of anyone asking questions about her it would only drive her underground. I assumed that Mac was sitting in her own metaphorical hallway somewhere, like Danni, curled up in a safe place where no one could see her even if they were looking through every window and door they could find.”

Peter shivered. 

“Danni told me you’d been looking for her,” Tony said quietly as the sun set.

“I knew more about her than anyone else,” Peter said. “I couldn’t have put it as well as Danni, but it’s my duty to make sure she’s okay. I need to pay her back for all the times she did the same even when I didn’t think I needed any help. I kept hitting dead ends though, because I don’t know enough.”

“What would you say to her mate?” Tony asked curiously. “I mean, I think I’ve got a good grasp on how everyone feels about Mac now, and it can be summed up in one word: complicated.”

“Got that right,” Peter said as he stood and brushed the grass off his shorts. 

Tony stood as well, and they started walking back to Peter’s rental property a few blocks back from the water, where Tony’s car was parked. 

“I dunno what I’d say,” Peter replied after a long silence. “Hi?”

“Hi. Oh yeah, that’d work I s’pose,” Tony teased, rubbing his jaw. Peter chuckled and shrugged. Okay, so it wasn’t poetry, but it was better than nothing!

*

“Babies!” Tony exclaimed when he walked into the family bathroom to find Danni up to her elbows in bubble bath with two sudsy boys sitting in not very much water, on secure non-slip bath mats. Lucas’ brown eyes went wide when he saw his father, and he immediately held up his squeaky toy ship to show Tony how wet it was. “Ooh, a boat,” Tony told him. Lucas blinked twice and looked back down at his ship. He dove it into the water and blew a raspberry as he forced it to sink. 

“How was your run?” Danni asked as she moved to her left so that Tony could sit on the edge of the bath and take over half the supervision. She was trying to get a washcloth off of Ben’s head but he was determined to keep it there. Other than that, she wasn’t trying very hard to bathe them. They were wet, the water was clean, and it wasn’t the same as when they were newborns and the baths were meant to be relaxing – bathing twins at the same time was never relaxing – but especially not since they got old enough to want to play. 

“It was great,” Tony said. “Pete’s moved into a nice area actually. It’s definitely close to the water and I think he enjoyed the run. He says he mostly runs alone because Angie doesn’t like running anymore.”

“She used to run with Oscar,” Danni said, filling him in on the basics. 

“I told him all the nice stuff you said about Mac when you were ‘reading me in’ a couple of years ago, before I got the chance to meet her. He seemed to like that.”

“Pete likes talking about anything to do with Mac,” Danni assured him. “He’s a really loyal guy, he’s loyal to her, and it sounds to me like you might have just made a friend for life…Ben, give daddy your washer if you won’t give it to mummy.”

Ben stared at her and pouted with big, sad eyes. Danni grinned and leant forward to touch her nose to his. It was enough of a distraction that he giggled, and Tony whipped the washer off his head while he wasn’t paying attention. As Danni pulled away and Tony hid the washer, Ben reached up to touch his head. He patted it a few times, frowned when he could no longer feel the material there, and he seemed to realise that he wasn’t holding onto it anymore either. 

Danni and Tony laughed loudly at the accusing look he sent her. Danni was laughing so hard she leant sideways into Tony and then fell out of her kneeling position and onto her bum on the cold tiles, which made her laugh harder. 

“We’re bad parents,” Tony declared drolly as he used the washer to quickly and properly clean Lucas’ face and behind his ears and the back of his shoulders. Lucas liked the warm washer to lie spread out over his back and he gurgled happily while Ben looked on, still clearly confused about how the washer had gotten from his head onto his brother’s back. Tony did hand Ben the washer once he was finished with Lucas, while Danni recovered enough composure to grab a towel and be ready for Tony to lift Lucas out of the tub and deposit him in her arms, all while they kept an eye on Ben to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. 

“Here’s mummy!” Tony announced as Lucas got to zoom out of the tub and through the air, held from one parent to the next. Tony leant over and pressed a quick kiss to the fading scar on his son’s chest before turning his attention back to Ben. “All right Mister, if you’re so intent on holding onto that washer, I guess I’m going to have to clean your ears with my fingers.” He held his hands up and wiggled them playfully for Ben, who immediately let go of the washer again to try to mimic Tony and wiggle his own tiny fingers. 

“I think we should enjoy the ability to out-smart them while it lasts,” Danni told him while massaging Lucas’ chest with the corner of the towel he was laying on against her chest. 

“How was therapy today?” Tony asked as he used the washer to finish off Ben’s bath, but they sat there and played with the bubbles longer, because there was no hurry and Danni was content to sit with Lucas for a damp cuddle. 

“It was okay,” she said warily. “My therapist is worried that this is only a temporary high. She wants me to wait another month before I go back to the psychiatrist and start talking about adjusting the medication I’m on. I’m fine with that, coming off them will be hard but I do want to do it…I think I’m strong enough now. However, I left the office feeling a bit deflated, Tony. She doesn’t understand that this is like being reunited with a family-”

“Every family has its squabbles,” Tony said. “Maybe that’s all she was warning you about. You still all have to get to know each other as you are, again.”

“Mm, I guess. I came home feeling sad, but I sent Angie a text message that just said, ‘Hope you’re having a good day’, with a smiley face, and she replied right away with a nice message, saying she was at work and one of her informants was a giant stoner which was funny. Do you really think we’re going to have some terrible fight, Tony? We never did before, none of us. We’ve never had problems like that. I guess my therapist is used to always talking about really dysfunctional relationships-”

“You don’t think Pete and Angie have a dysfunctional relationship?” Tony asked.

“I think they have different priorities at the moment, and they’re trying to figure out how best to move on with their lives without letting go of each other.”

“Nicely put,” Tony said.

“Thank you,” Danni said with a smile. She looked down at Lucas who was watching her intently, and she tickled him playfully across his naked chest. He squealed and cried out, and Danni and Tony both turned to stare at him in shock.

“Did he just say ‘mum’?” Tony asked. 

“Nooo,” Danni said softly, not actually sure. “He’s nine months old, Tony!”

“It sure sounded like muuuuuuum to me,” he said. “A perfectly reasonable response to tickle-torture.” Tony turned back to Ben who was splashing and shouting out for some attention. Tony picked up a second towel and scooped him out of the bath. He pulled the plug on the way up and stood, drying Ben off while he was balanced on his hip. It didn’t matter if his running shorts and singlet got wet, after all.

On the floor, Danni had sat back against the wall and raised her knees to balance Lucas. His feet were digging into her belly as he leant back against her thighs, supported by her hands as well as his own, which gripped onto her. He giggled and babbled as they bounced a little bit. They were eye-to-eye, and he was watching her. 

“Hi!” she said with a wide grin. “Hi Lucas! Mummy loves you,” she said. “Are you clever, huh? Are you a little bit clever?” He opened his mouth and giggled.

*


	14. Chapter 14

FOURTEEN

Peter lay on his bed later that night as he stared at the ceiling and thought back over his conversation with Tony. It was a better option than sleeping, since his dreams had been plagued by nightmares again. According to the clock by the bed it was nearly two o’clock in the morning, so he only had to lie there for another four hours, and maybe if he drifted off for more sleep in that time it wouldn’t be the worst thing. 

Yet he could not help thinking that it was so strange to be having all of these conversations about Mac. If Mac actually knew how much they were all thinking and talking about her she would be mortified! Peter could picture the blanched, pinched look on her face and it made him chuckle. If that had actually happened, he might have followed it up with a playful, ‘Ah, come on Mac, you know we love you’. 

He actually wasn’t sure that she did know that though. He certainly had never told her. He never did much to show her, either. What had he ever done? He’d dated a bunch of other women, he’d thrown himself into the job like his life didn’t matter, and he’d tried to be a friend when things went wrong for her at various times, but he couldn’t even remember ever telling her that he thought she was a good friend of his.

It was a total, utter, cock-up. 

He wasn’t the only one who had fucked it up, either. Peter was sure that Angie had never said anything like that. That had to be where part of her anger stemmed from; it had to be partly based on guilt or self-loathing. Normal friends did things that he and Angie were doing with Danni and Tony now, Peter realised. Things like barbeques and going for runs and helping out with moving house. 

Mac had been heavily involved in Peter moving into and then renovating the very house he was lying in, the house he was about to leave forever. She had painted his bathroom with him, she had helped paint his living area with Angie and Oscar, and she had been there to sign for and supervise the installation of appliances when Peter was on the job. Now he was leaving, and she wasn’t there to help at all. 

He could not help wondering if, wherever she was, she felt left out without really knowing why, like maybe that knowledge that she wasn’t being included could travel through time and space and find itself inside her head, and maybe it revealed itself in that feeling that she should be somewhere, but not knowing quite where to go. 

If she had that feeling, what would she do? Would she lie in bed beside Gene and stare at the ceiling to try to figure it out? Probably. Mac was a thinker, an organizer. She always had plans, and in the sort of job they were in her plans had always been meticulous – there were always multiple contingencies and everyone knew the unit’s procedures – and there was no doubt in Peter’s mind that their unit’s high solve rate was very simply because of the calm control she had brought to bear on what would have otherwise been potentially chaotic scenarios. 

It was difficult to believe that she was out there somewhere without plans.

It was almost impossible to believe that she was somehow happier for it.

It was incredibly painful to imagine her huddled in a dark hallway all alone. 

Peter wished he could go to her. He wished he could see her. He would say more than just ‘hi’. He could be so much more for her than that. He would be whatever she wanted. He would help her however she needed. 

Peter was heartened by everything Tony had told him about his conversations with Danni. Danni had really opened up to Tony; she had shared real, heartfelt insights about their lives, and even though Tony had probably wanted to help her and push her harder to reconnect, he instead had just sat back patiently and he let her get there on her own, knowing that he would still be by her side when she arrived. 

That was love, Peter realised, that fine line between pushing when pushing was needed and hanging back at other times without letting go. Surely the bottom line in that equation was in not letting go. Angie kept telling him to do it, to let Mac go even though she clearly hadn’t let go of Oscar, but Danni was now saying that Peter didn’t need to do anything of the sort. Peter honestly didn’t want to. He couldn’t bring himself to let Mac go. Even if his dream became a reality and one day he held her dying body in his arms, he couldn’t let her go. 

He groaned and covered his face with his hands. He could not stand it anymore. He had to do something. He wasn’t drunk, he wasn’t feeling stupid or sorry for himself; he just wanted to make sure she was all right. He just wanted to say fucking hi, and if it he didn’t try to do it now, then he was going to either spend the rest of his life trying, or spend the rest of his life regretting that he didn’t. 

It was just like Danni had once said, Mac was quietly brave and so soft and lonely on the inside, and so incredibly, fiercely loyal; Peter knew all of these things better than any of them, better than Danni. Peter knew Mac intimately. He remembered the way she would nuzzle her face in against his neck and kiss beneath his ear as he ran his fingers through her hair after sex. He remembered the stubborn, determined look on her face when she told him it was over and that it hadn’t mattered. 

It mattered. 

He reached for his phone by the bed and dialed. 

“Peter!” Angie growled after five rings. “Do you know what time it is?”

“What if something really bad happened?” he asked. 

“What the Hell are you talking about? I was asleep, dude. Rewind.”

“Mac was so loyal,” he said. “Why would she leave? What if something happened?”

“So what?” Angie asked. “Even if something did happen we don’t know what it is because she didn’t come to us for help. She’s not dead, Church. She left, like a mum who can’t handle the pressure and dumps her kids with their dad and buggers off. That’s what she did. That’s what you’re feeling. And no matter how many fantastical, whimsical possibilities you conjure up about where she is or what she might be doing, it won’t change the fact that she’s not once tried to contact us. She doesn’t send birthday or Christmas cards, she doesn’t call, and I’m not sure anymore if I would even say she was so loyal, back in the day. She did her job, that’s all.”

“How can you say that?” Peter asked. 

“Maybe because I never slept with her,” Angie said, snapping at him. 

“Angie, please,” Peter whispered as tears stung his eyes. “I don’t know what to do. I think I let her down. Something wasn’t right and I didn’t realise. Something doesn’t feel right; it’s never felt right. I can’t put my finger on it. I need help.”

“Are you somewhere safe?” she asked more calmly as she yawned.

“I’m not going to top myself, if that’s what you’re asking. But do you remember anything from that time? Anything out of the ordinary?”

“No Peter,” Angie said on a sigh. “I don’t remember Mac acting out of character at all, not until the end when she left.” 

“So you agree that it was out of character.”

“Oh for God’s sake! Yes okay? It was weird and upsetting and I know you’re upset, but sometimes women run into old boyfriends and decide that a life with them is better than the life they have in the moment, and off they go. Need I remind you that’s pretty much what you were planning with Christina Rossi? You couldn’t handle not being with Mac anymore, you were deep undercover and it was shit, so why not fall head over heels with the sexy sister and jump on a boat and sail off into the sunset? What gives you the right to think that’s okay for you, but not okay for Mac?”

“Are you defending her now?” Peter asked, confused.

“No, I don’t know, it’s two o’clock in the morning!” Angie huffed. “Pete please, you have to find a way to move past this. I beg you, please, say goodbye.”

“What if she’s all alone?” Peter asked softly. “Angie, what if she’s all alone in a metaphorical hallway with no windows and no light and we just can’t see her?”

“What?” Angie asked, not understanding his concern. “Look, if you’re talking about depression or something, Mac was one of the most resilient people I knew. If she has depression I’ll eat my hat because I’m sure, wherever she is and whatever has happened to her, be it bad or good or in between, I’m sure she’s fine.”

“You know every time she told you she was fine she was talking shit, right?”

“Goodnight Peter,” Angie said tiredly. “Say goodbye to Mac, decide to move on. I don’t care how you do it, or when, just don’t do anything stupid because I love you, Danni loves you, you’ve got honorary nephews now who are gonna love you-”

“I’m not going to kill myself Angie,” Peter assured her on a sigh. “I might go for a walk. I’m sorry I worried you. Mac said I scared her too, once.”

“Well she’s seen you naked so yeah, that’d be my first reaction too.”

“I won’t do anything stupid, I promise,” he whispered, listening to her laugh at her own joke. “Goodnight Angie. Sweet dreams.”

“G’night Church.”

He hung up and threw his phone onto the bed beside him. A walk would be good, he reasoned. It was early in the morning and still technically the middle of the night, but he could rug up against the cold and it would at least help him clear his head. Peter hadn’t just walked without any real purpose in a long time, and it would be pretty safe, so why not? He rolled out of bed and stood up to begin searching for his jeans and a windproof coat and scarf, and maybe also a beanie.

*

An hour later Peter found himself face-to-face with some dumbass junkie who had decided the otherwise empty, inner city laneway was a good place to pull a knife. He was about two metres away and blocking Peter’s path as though he was Robin Hood, on heroin. Pete had both his arms held up around his waist, palms upstretched, just to show the kid that he didn’t have any weapons. He didn’t have his wallet either.

“Look mate, I’m just out for a walk. I don’t have cash, don’t even have ID.”

“Yeah right,” was the scoffing reply. 

“It’s the truth,” Peter said with a shrug. “I can empty my pockets but it won’t take long, cos they’re empty.”

“Empty them then!” the kid exclaimed. Peter rolled his eyes. He knew the situation could deteriorate but he’d been asked to do worse, frankly. To set the kid at ease Peter even took a small step forward so that he got a better look at the inside-out pockets of Peter’s jeans as Peter turned them out on both hips. Then he turned out the pockets of his jacket nice and slow. Peter was hoping the kid forgot about the back pockets of his jeans, because even though there was only a small torch and a Swiss Army knife in there, he didn’t really want to turn his back or give them up. 

“Oh,” the kid said. It was only then that Peter noticed the blood all over the t-shirt the kid was wearing.

“Are you okay mate?” Peter asked him. “What the Hell happened to ya?”

“Some bitch nearly broke my nose!” 

“Were you trying to mug her?” Peter asked plainly. 

Don’t antagonize him, Peter, he heard up inside his head, in Mac’s dry voice. It made him smile but he bit back that feeling because he didn’t want to derail the kid. 

“Noooo,” he was answering, but Peter knew it was a lie.

“So can I get past?” he asked. 

“Nuh,” the kid said, laughing. 

“What if I said I was a cop?” Peter asked. 

“Yeah, like I haven’t heard that before!” the kid replied. He rolled his eyes. “That’s what the bitch who hit me said too. Comes round here, gives the old woman food and water and shit, then tells me she’s got no money and she’s a cop and then-”

“Then she hit you,” Peter said. “Look is your nose broken? Do you need to see a doctor? I could take a look if you like-” He took a step forward and kept his arms out, gesturing that he was happy to offer assistance if he wanted it.

“No, piss off, it’s fine. Piss off then!” he shouted. He waved Peter past him with the knife dangling from his shaking hand, and then he dropped it and cursed. As he bent over and scrambled for it, Peter accepted the invitation and kept walking further into the laneway, away from the safety of the main road. Once he was far enough away and in a second, adjoining lane, he removed the small torch from his back pocket and switched it on. 

Peter was curious about this woman that the kid had tried to mug, actually. It took guts to pull off the ‘I’m a cop’ act in a tough situation; even actual cops could struggle with it when they were caught off-guard or off-duty. Peter guessed the kid was pretty easy to fool though. He was probably homeless and had some mental health problems considering he was still wandering around in a shirt with copious amounts of dried blood all over it. When Peter came across a few deserted camps in the second laneway, furnished with old needles and razors, his suspicion grew. 

However, one much cleaner camp housed the old woman the kid had mentioned; she was curled up inside a sleeping bag and a couple of old newspapers by a rubbish skip. She wasn’t that old, Peter realised thanks to a quick sweep of his downward-turned torch. She might have been his age, she didn’t even have wholly grey hair and the hand he could see wasn’t very wrinkled. It didn’t look like she had any food and water left but at least she was still breathing. 

He quickly moved on. He knew where he was going.

Peter hadn’t planned to walk in the direction of his old workplace, but when he first struck out on foot he realised that there was a reason that he never walked without a destination in mind; he wasn’t good at it. So he had stood on the corner of his street and thought back to what Angie had said earlier, and this seemingly unending quest he was on to reflect on his feelings for Mac and to try to ‘let her go’ and ‘move on’, or even better, to actually find her…where else would he go but to the place where he had spent the most time with her? 

Peter hadn’t been back to the old warehouse or, as they called it, the factory, in two years. Not since they had packed it up and moved the whole operation to headquarters. A lot of the independent support staff they had worked with were seconded elsewhere, or they took early retirement and signed their non-disclosure agreements like good boys and girls. 

Peter had been there on that last day. He had made an effort to be there even with Mac gone and Oscar gone, because he had wanted to say goodbye to everyone who was leaving, and he had wanted to say thank you. Mac and Oscar would have wanted that too. Peter felt really good when he got to do things like that, things he could tie back to Mac and Oscar and say to himself that they would have been proud, or happy. He supposed it was a bit like Angie knowing she needed to go out and visit the Pierce family because it was something Oscar would have needed to do. 

Well, Peter suspected that Mac would have needed to say goodbye and thank you to all of the personnel she had employed, most of whom she had liked and trusted, and they had all felt the same about her, so of course Peter had been one of the last people left standing in the belly of the empty factory after they had gone. 

It had been an eerie experience, and the police on cleanup that final day just let him be; they knew what he had been through. They let him wander and do his own thing as they removed furniture. They let him watch as the alarms were removed, and he had watched as all of the cameras and their surveillance gear was also taken. 

In the end, the only things left in the factory had been the few items that Peter had vigorously insisted that they not remove. He hoped it was all still there. He could not wait to see it all again. He felt like he was going home, and in a weird way it was almost as though he was going home to Mac. He had been to her house once or twice, but the factory was where she had really lived, as a part of his own life at least.

Peter was pretty confident that the factory was still empty. He didn’t think the police would have let the lease go too quickly because it was still an asset should they ever need it, and it was sensible to have a buffer of time between ‘cop hideout’ and ‘commercial use’, just in case anything was left behind or discovered too quickly. 

The factory soon rose up before him and Peter stopped in the shadows to stare at the familiar roller door and the brick exterior. He grinned. 

No time like the present, he told himself as he jogged forward. He avoided the surveillance cameras and motion sensors that he remembered being positioned on the nearby commercial buildings, and was impressed when he made it to the overhang of the factory’s side door without setting off any sirens or lights. He fished in his back pocket for the Swiss Army knife, and put the small torch in his mouth to give him the extra light and the extra hand he needed to select the right tool for the job.

He had the simple lock sorted within seconds, and with a final glance over his shoulder to make sure no one was watching or moving about behind him, he opened the door, slid inside, and shut and re-locked it. 

He cast his torch across the main floor and was relieved and excited to find it empty. All of their desks were gone, there were no cars, no shipping containers for storage, and no surveillance vans or trucks parked waiting for a job. It was just a vast, open stretch of concrete that filled Peter with an odd sense of warmth. 

“Wow,” he said under his breath. His blue eyes glanced up the nearby concrete steps to the landing, and to Mac’s office. The door was closed, the blinds were drawn, and Peter grinned; just like old times, he thought. 

He bit his lip and remembered the argument with the police technicians who had wanted to get Mac’s stuff out of that office. They took all the files, the computer equipment, and anything she had left in her drawers. But Peter would not let them take the heavy desk, or the filing cabinet, or the actual couch that he remembered them both sitting on late some nights to talk. He had put his arm around her on that couch, he had woken her from much-needed sleep on that couch, and he had nearly asked her on a date with him at least a dozen different times on that bloody couch. 

Maybe he could take it with him somehow, he wondered. What if he could hire a van to collect it at some point during the day? He couldn’t do much with her solid wooden desk and the metal filing cabinet, but that couch would look all right under the window in his new bedroom. He could sit on it to read, or on the nights when he dreamed that Mac was gunned down in front of his house, instead of ringing a frustrated Angie up near-tears Peter could just lie down on that couch and talk himself out of an anxiety attack. He could just talk to Mac. 

Of course! It was the best idea he’d ever had. That couch was coming with him, one way or the other. He was also going to take that photo of the two of them out of his locker. He hadn’t forgotten about it but he never let himself think about it either. Now he could. He could put it by his bed, or on a little table next to the couch. 

That’s what Angie meant, Peter realised. That’s what she meant about ‘letting go’ of Mac. She didn’t mean that Peter should forget her, or totally stop worrying about her or looking for her. Instead, he should find a way to savour Mac, to take the photographs and remember her, just like Angie was doing with Oscar, too. Of course!

*


	15. Chapter 15

FIFTEEN

Meaningful tears stung Peter’s blue eyes as he pondered this breakthrough, until he could not stand the waiting any longer. Mac would find it hilarious and completely unsurprising that he was planning to steal her couch. He walked up the steps to the landing and laid his hand on the doorknob to Mac’s closed office door. 

Peter took a deep breath. He reminded himself that it was two years later and everything had changed. He told himself not to be disappointed by the dust and the emptiness and the sadness he might feel. He just wanted Mac’s couch. He wanted to see what condition it was in. Even better, that night he wanted to rest there a while.

Peter held his breath and softly opened the door. He peered immediately to his right where he knew the couch would be, covered with the drop cloth that he himself had placed there to protect it. 

He froze. The torch in his left hand was pointing directly down at the ground in front of him, but enough light reflected up off the concrete floor to show Peter that the drop cloth was gone. Instead, over the nearest arm of the chair he saw a crown of long, straight, dark brown hair. He was also still holding his breath, which meant the steady, deep breathing he could hear inside the room did not belong to him. 

Peter took two quick steps further into the office and kept his eyes directed towards the couch at all times. He wanted to see who this was, without shining the torch directly in their face and scaring the living daylights out of them. He very quickly registered the fact that Mac’s previously empty desk was covered in stuff as well; two large bags, more shopping bags, some books, and he realised he could actually smell food. Stale bread and banana and perhaps honey and peanut paste? 

Was that her dinner? Was that what she was living off?

He felt like he had just stumbled across Goldilocks sleeping in his bed but of course he hadn’t, and the woman asleep on the couch was not a junkie, she was not an ordinary squatter, and she was fast asleep on her own couch.

Peter fell to his knees as quickly and quietly as possible as the breath he was holding finally got the better of him. He exhaled sharply at the pain of hitting the concrete, but he managed to stay upright and hold onto his torch; he barely made a sound. Across from him, just a metre away, Ellen Mackenzie did not even stir. 

So as it turned out, Peter thought as he watched her, the best idea he’d ever had – to use Mac’s couch as a safe place, a resting place – as usual, she’d had it first.

Then again, maybe the best idea he’d ever had was actually to get out of bed at two o’clock in the morning and go for a walk. Best. Idea. Ever. 

“Mac,” he whispered before he could help himself. He shuffled forward on the concrete with the torch still resting loosely in his left hand. It was turned away from her but enough light was reflected back off the floor and walls and filing cabinet that Peter could make out her creamy skin, her dark lashes, high cheekbones and her relaxed, delicate pink lips. She was beautiful. He hadn’t even seen a photograph in two years, but he never would have forgotten what she looked like. 

His right hand shook as it stretched forward, towards the dark brown hair that had fallen over her face as she lay on her side. He had to wake her up. He hated to do it, but there was no way that Peter could stand to sit there for the rest of the night and just watch her. His heart was already beating in what felt like double-time. Yet he didn’t want to scare her. He knew he shouldn’t scare her. He had to do this properly.

“Ellen,” he said, trying to find his voice amid the silence of the night. His fingertips touched her hair and he knew then that she was real. He licked his lips as he tenderly pushed it back off her face, towards her ear. “Elle, honey.”

She hummed, and Peter smiled widely at the sound of her voice.

“Mac.”

“Whaaaaaat?” she whined. Her eyes stayed closed but her forehead crinkled into a frown. Peter’s fingertips danced gently across her forehead as he continued to stroke her hair off her face and soothe her temples. Her frown quickly disappeared and she took another deep breath back to sleep. Her skin was cool, the factory was not heated and it seemed like she only had the one blanket in addition to her clothes. 

I have to get her out of here, he thought, but he stayed as calm as possible.

“Elle, it’s Peter honey, time to wake up.”

He moved his hand down the side of her face that was pressed partly against the hard arm of the chair. It looked like she had been trying to use a shirt or a jacket as a pillow, scrunched up between her cheek and the chair. Peter replaced that with his hand and felt her chin and cheek and ear slide comfortably into his palm. He brushed his thumb back and forth across her cheek, softly at first but then more firmly in an attempt to rouse her. 

“Ellen,” he whispered hopefully. “Elle, sweetheart.”

She frowned again, this time more deeply, and Peter could tell by the way she moved her head into his palm that she was no longer asleep. She licked her lips and turned her head down to nuzzle his palm. She pressed her lips to where his hand met his wrist and they both sighed when she kissed him there. She probably thought she was dreaming, he assumed. Hallucinating, more like it. 

Peter finally let go of the torch in his left hand and instead used it to continue pushing hair off her forehead. The fingertips on his left hand were colder than his right, and she flinched when he touched her. Her eyelashes and lids fluttered. 

“Wake up, beautiful,” Pete said with a quivering smile. “I know you’re cold, but open your eyes for me, Ellen.” She did as she was asked. Finally. 

She watched him in the dim light as he continued to rub her cheek and support her head with one hand and stroke her long hair back behind her ear with the other. Her blue eyes widened and her lips parted. She sucked in a breath and stared straight at him as though she was looking straight through some kind of apparition. 

“Hi,” Peter said. A tear trickled out of his left eye and down his cheek. “Hi.”

One of her hands wiggled out from underneath her blanket and found his left wrist. Her warm palm and shaking fingers slid upwards to cover his left hand up by her temple. 

Peter turned his hand around in hers and their fingers laced together immediately. He watched her wide eyes searching his for some kind of explanation, or some kind of promise that he was real. As Peter felt his palm come into contact with hers, and as their fingers locked together, all he could do to reassure her that they were both truly there was squeeze her hand and continue to silently cry. 

*

“Oh my God,” Ellen said softly as Peter’s fingers moved over her knuckles and he gripped her hand. He had leant his head forward and his forehead was resting on the edge of the couch by her chest. He was crying while his right hand remained trapped between her face and the couch. He had grabbed a fistful of her hair in that hand, and Ellen remained frozen for what felt like several long, confusing minutes. 

She could smell him. He was touching her. There was a soft light in the room that wasn’t coming from her own torch, which she could still feel tucked into the back pocket of her jeans. She could hear him crying and she had seen the tears on his cheeks before he bowed his head. She had heard his voice as he coaxed her out of her dream. ‘I know you’re cold,’ he had said. ‘Open your eyes, Ellen. Sweetheart.’ 

Half-asleep, Ellen had recognised his voice, and she had been about to point out to Peter that he shouldn’t call her that at work, because anyone could walk in, but then she woke well enough to remember that nobody was meant to be walking in anywhere near her, especially not Peter Church! 

“Peter,” she said, testing out the sound of his name. She only whispered it to begin with, and he barely reacted. But he was definitely there. She wasn’t dreaming. “Peter,” she said more firmly. She gave his hand a squeeze and tried to sit up, but he was holding her in place with his grip on her hair, and she couldn’t sit up without swinging her legs around and knocking him off balance. “Pete, let me up.”

He let her hair go, but Ellen kept a firm grasp on his hand just in case they slipped apart and he did actually disappear. He hung on just as tightly.

She sat up and swung her legs around, while simultaneously using her free hand to grab him around the neck and shoulder, urging him up to sit beside her. It worked, he didn’t disappear, but before Ellen could say anything else he let go of her hand and hurriedly took her face in both of his hands. He stared at her in shock. She reached up with both of her hands to grip his forearms to reassure them both. 

However, he was wearing a thick jacket and Ellen wanted to touch his skin, so she moved her hands blindly along his arms until her fingers could encircle his wrists and edge up beneath the sleeve of his jacket. He was warm, he felt familiar, and she could brush her thumbs up along the soft, masculine hair on the top of his forearms. 

“I’m not sure there are any words,” she told him sincerely, speaking slowly and in a whisper. “Except, maybe…what the fuck are you doing here, Church?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he answered immediately, also whispering, and not daring to take his eyes away from hers even as a smile tugged at his lips. “I thought I’d come and steal this couch. Did you palm some kid in the face the other night?”

“What?” Ellen asked, almost laughing. 

“This kid tried to mug me. I told him I was a cop, he said some woman who’d smashed up his nose tried the same line.”

“Oh, are you okay?” she asked. She lifted a hand to cup his jaw and brushed the cold backs of her fingers over his cheek. “I did, actually. He tried to mug me too.”

“You gave that homeless woman food?” Peter asked. 

“Yeah…how do you know that?”

“He saw you, he told me. I didn’t know it was you, though. It is you, isn’t it? This is really you? You’re really here?” Peter touched her face with one hand, while the other slid to her neck. He could feel her pulse drumming steadily beneath his fingers and he watched as tears filled Ellen’s eyes. She pressed her lips together and nodded. “Oh God,” Peter said on a whisper when he felt his heart thumping in his chest. “I never thought I’d see you again.”

“You were going to steal the couch?” Ellen asked. Her brain still felt like it was catching up, but she was so immediately excited that she also wanted to have five different conversations with him at once. “How did you even know it was here?”

“I wouldn’t let them take it,” Peter explained quickly as he rubbed her neck and threaded his fingers through her hair. “I didn’t let them take it. God, you look-”

“Why not?” Ellen asked. 

“I don’t know. I thought you might want it, one day.”

“That’s very impressive foresight, Peter,” she said, smirking just to see if she could get him to crack a smile. It worked, he laughed. He laughed! 

“I know right?” he asked her. His hands tightened around her and she could feel him shaking. “Oh fuck, Ellen.”

“It’s okay,” she said quickly. “I’m so sorry Pete, I-”

“I’m sorry too,” he said. “Please, please forgive me, I’m so sorry.”

“What for?” Ellen asked. “Peter, what are you apologising for?”

He pulled her into an urgent hug and she lost the eye contact they had both so desperately maintained for so long. Ellen wrapped her arms around his back as well and pulled him to her with all the strength she could muster, but her arms and hands were shaking just like his were, and they had to rearrange their grip on each other’s slippery jackets several times to try to keep hanging on so tightly. Finally Ellen laughed, and she dug her forehead into his shoulder. 

“I can’t hold onto you,” she said. “I’m shaking.”

“Me too,” Peter said. He chuckled and tilted his face down so that he could rest his lips on the crown of her head. He settled one of his shaking hands more loosely on the base of her neck and massaged her shoulders and the top of her spine, just beneath the collar of her jacket and shirt. Ellen sighed against him and laid her head more comfortably on his shoulder. She slid a weak, numb arm beneath his jacket and around his back. She found a t-shirt to hold onto and let her fingers curl limply around the fabric that lay against the slight curve of his seated hip. He was so warm.

“I left Gene,” Ellen said once they sat there for a while. “About a year ago.”

“Was he good to you?” Peter asked. 

“I suppose so,” she said. “We went sailing up the coast, way up to North Queensland and the Whitsundays. I thought of you sometimes, how you wanted to go sailing with Christina all those years ago. It was strange to think it was me instead of you… We didn’t do much though; it was boring. Gene had or could easily make a lot of rich friends and we just hung out on his boat and their boats. I read a lot, but after awhile I got sick of watching him and all these wealthy idiots drinking and partying and doing coke. Then I broke my arm really badly, I needed an operation, so I left.”

“You broke your arm?” Peter asked, stunned, as he immediately reared back and reached for both of her arms in the dark. “You were in hospital? When?”

“About a year ago,” Ellen said matter-of-factly. “You can’t see anything in the dark…what’s on, a torch? I think it’s rolled under the couch. But it’s my left one.”

Peter’s grip changed on the arm that had fallen weakly to rest against his hip just minutes ago. She had apologised for not being able to hug him. Was that why she was trying to explain all of this so suddenly, he wondered? Was she self-conscious?

“Is it pinned?” he asked.

“Yeah, both bones in my forearm,” she said. One of his hands was holding her left wrist steady while his other hand had pushed up the sleeve of her coat. “There’s a plate on each bone that’s been screwed into place. It’s pretty cool. I fell overboard.”

“You did this hitting the water?” he asked. 

“No,” Ellen said with a soft laugh. “No, it was a spiral break. We were fighting; Gene was snorting coke. He shoved me, I went over, he’d grabbed my left wrist and didn’t let go, and I slammed back into the outside of the boat and twisted around on it. Here-” She took hold of his hand and wrapped it around where she knew her scars lay, and beneath that the metal that would remain in place forever.

“You didn’t press charges against him,” Peter said. “I would know. I run his name every month in the hope it might tell me where he is, where you are.”

“I’m right here, Peter.”

“Since when?” he asked, his eyes filled with renewed tears as he massaged her arm and stared back up into her face. She offered him a hesitant smile. 

“I’ve been back in Melbourne about a month. I’ve lost track of time. I have a cheap motel room nearby but I come here for a few nights at a time to, um, well I set up a dark room here and I took some pictures of this place when I first arrived, so I’ve been playing around with developing some of them. I arrive at night and stay a day or two, then leave in the night to go back to my motel, and stay there for awhile again.”

“But it’s cold in here,” he said. “You’re shivering. And what do you do for food? And electricity?”

“Pete, I’m fine.”

“Are you?” he asked. 

Ellen smiled at him widely and nodded, as he pulled her into another hug. He kept a gentle hold of her left wrist this time though, and he tucked her arm up against his chest, over his heart. He gave her cheek a loud smooch and it made Ellen laugh. 

“I take it you missed me?” she asked. 

“Oh honey,” he said on a sigh. He tucked his head down into her shoulder and Ellen squeezed her eyes shut when she heard his breath hitch on a sob. “Elle, honey-”

“Shh, I’m sorry. I missed you too. Every day. So much it hurt. It hurts.”

“Me too,” he mumbled. 

“I’m sorry about this place,” she continued. Her right hand settled in his curly, golden brown hair and she stroked it gently, delighting in the way he leant into her and breathed deeply against her, as though he was trying to soak her up like a sponge. 

“How did you know it would be empty?” he asked.

“They told me,” she said. “And I knew it was coming, the budget cuts, getting rid of the discrete units in places like this…I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t tell anyone. Please forgive me, Peter. Everything for me went wrong all at once, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Peter said. He laughed softly and lifted his head. “I can’t believe you’re here. It never occurred to me that you might come here-”

“Really?” Ellen asked. “But you left me the photograph? I’ve been trying to think of something to leave you too, in case you came back and I wasn’t here, but I couldn’t think of what to write or paint, or where to put it. I wanted to do it today.”

“You found it?” Peter asked with wide eyes and a slack jaw. “In my locker? You found the photo?”

“Well yeah,” Mac said obviously. “I was meant to, wasn’t I? I looked in everyone’s lockers, not because I was looking for messages like a narcissist, but just to see what was left. I found the thirtieth birthday card we all wrote on for Angie, and one of her lip glosses. I saved it all, it’s stored back in my motel room. I thought that if you’d all left things behind by accident, then they’d be better off being looked after by me than having to sit in a place like this all alone.”

“But you’re sitting in this place all alone,” Peter pointed out.

“Yes, well, Angie’s lip gloss is more important,” Mac said in a playful huff as she rolled her eyes. Pete laughed loudly and tucked her long, dark hair behind her ear. She turned her face briefly inwards and affectionately kissed his palm. Peter sighed. 

“God, I wish it was light in here and I could actually see you,” he said. 

“We can’t leave. All my stuff is here.”

“How much stuff?” he asked. 

“Um, well everything that’s in here, which is mostly food and clothes and toiletries, and they all fit into bags. The old laundry is my dark room. I only got mum and dad to courier my equipment down from Sydney a week ago, so I’ve been here quite a lot since then actually. I’m meant to leave tomorrow night to spend a week being a normal person, looking for a job. But my enlarger and the rest, once it’s packed up I was going to leave it here…I won’t get it out again without a van.”

“I was going to walk a block over and hire a van to take this couch,” Peter said. “I could drive it straight in here and we take it all. Is there security? Patrols?”

“Not that I’ve noticed,” she said. “And not during the day, business as usual. Where would I put it all though? I don’t have another dark room. Just my motel.”

“Oh, right,” Peter said on a sigh. “Are you even going to hang around?” he asked. “Sorry, I didn’t think, I just assumed-”

“I would love to hang around,” Ellen said. She spoke so quickly and quietly that Peter almost did not hear her, but he looked at her with wide eyes as she offered him a reassuring smile. Yes, she wanted to stay. “Would that be okay?” she asked. 

“Y-y-yeah,” he said, whispering, his voice choked. “So…you found the picture I left you in my locker?”

“Yes, Peter,” Ellen said as her smile widened. She touched his face again and leant forward to briefly rest her forehead against his, her nose alongside his. She pulled away and reached down to squeeze his hand. 

“Did you turn it over and read on the back?” he asked. 

Ellen nodded silently. 

“Did you understand?” he asked. “I don’t even, I mean, my mind right now – wow – but I can’t remember what I wrote.”

“You wrote, ‘Elle, just in case honey, it’s all okay. Pete’.” 

“That’s right,” he said. A few tears trickled out of his eyes as he grinned and squeezed her hand in reply. “That’s right.”

“I put it in a special frame,” she said. “It’s by my bed in the motel.”

“That’s hilarious,” he said on a wry chuckle. “I was going to take it, right after I slept on the couch I found you sleeping on. I was going to take it away along with the couch and put it in a frame beside my bed, or on a table beside this couch in my new bedroom, so that I always had it with me. You put it in a frame by your bed?”

“Yeah. What do you mean your new bedroom?”

“I sold my house,” he told her. “I sold it a couple of weeks ago.”

“You’re moving?” Ellen asked, suddenly afraid. “Where? How far away?”

“St Kilda,” he said. 

Ellen breathed a sigh of relief as Peter chuckled and jostled her around on the couch a little, teasing her for overreacting so quickly. 

“Well, that’s okay then,” she said, jokingly holding a hand over her heart.

“You remember the old house?”

“Of course,” she said. “I thought about seeing you there, but I couldn’t. There are things you don’t know. I wasn’t sure what I’d find, I wasn’t sure if you’d moved on, or if you hated me. I’ve been working up to it, but it’s a moot point now anyway.”

“You thought I’d hate you?” Peter asked. “Ellen, sweetheart-”

“As soon as I found that picture and read what was on the back I knew you didn’t hate me,” she assured him quickly. “I love it. It’s the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me. I love it, Peter. For the rest of my life, I will treasure it.”

“I love you,” he said before he could help himself. Ellen only smiled, but Peter was reassured. He laid a hand against her cheek and leant forward to touch his forehead to hers, just as she had done to him. Their eyelashes touched and fluttered shut. “I love you,” he whispered. “Mac, I’ve always…and I never said anything. I was a coward; you’re my best friend. I should have told you every day. I’m so sorry.”

“Shh,” Ellen whispered. She very quickly kissed him on the lips before realigning her face to his, cheek-to-cheek. “I love you. I want to come home, Peter.” 

Peter grinned. She already had. She was home.

*


	16. Chapter 16

SIXTEEN

They fell asleep sitting up on the couch side by side, and Ellen was woken later that morning by the rising sun changing the lightness of the room. She remembered where she was and what had happened before she opened her eyes, so she was not startled to see Peter sitting beside her, snoring softly with his head tilted at an odd angle over the back of the couch. 

Ellen winced on his behalf; that was going to hurt. She took a minute to observe him while he slept. His golden-brown hair was longer than the last time she saw him, and the unruly curls appeared more like how it had been back when they first started working together. There were flecks of grey that she did not remember, but other than that he looked exactly the same to her. He had the same square jaw, the same golden stubble for that time in the morning, and the same scar on his cheek. 

Ellen resisted the urge to run her fingers along that scar and instead stood and left her old office so that she could go to the toilet and splash some water on her face. 

She was soon leaning over the sink in the bathroom and she took several deep breaths, allowing the frankly freezing water to refresh and settle her.

What a night. She and Peter had not said much after they said that they loved each other. Peter had reassured her that she was home and she had burst into tears, and cried herself back to sleep? Quite possibly, considering her scratchy eyes and puffy, patchy looking face. 

“Morning,” Peter said from behind her. Ellen jumped and spun around in shock. He chuckled. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Jesus Pete.”

“Forgot I was here?” he asked with raised eyebrows and a pointed smirk.

“No,” she said. She put a hand on her hip and grinned. “I was reflecting.”

“Ah,” Peter replied. He nodded wisely and Ellen rolled her eyes and grinned hopefully as his eyes roamed over her body. She wasn’t dressed very well, wearing plain jeans and a blue top, with her thick winter coat wrapped around her. It didn’t show off her tall, slender frame, which hadn’t changed at all in two years really, but she might as well have been naked considering the way Peter was looking at her. 

“Thirsty?” she asked, droll as always. 

She paused for a beat before gesturing to the taps. 

Peter initially froze with a deer-in-headlights look, caught staring at her with his mouth open, but he laughed when the double entendre was revealed. He swaggered forwards to lean over the sink and drink from the tap. Ellen took another turn to watch him, and she noticed he had lost weight. He was still broad and strong around the chest and arms, but he looked fit, toned, his waist was trim. She stared at him in wonder as he stood up and wiped a few dribbles of water from his chin. 

“What?” he asked, partly suspicious of and partly amused by her expression. “Why is it so bloody freezing in here, Elle?” he asked when she didn’t answer. “How can you stand it?”

“Well my arm is mostly numb, and it feels colder the warmer you rug up at night. If you sleep a little cooler, then in the morning it doesn’t feel so extreme.”

“Last night when I was trying to wake you up,” he said, staring into her eyes. He was stunned to discover the same shade of clear, deep arctic blue he thought he had been exaggerating in his mind’s eye; he hadn’t. “When I was trying to wake you up, your face felt so cold. Your fingers were cold. You were deeply asleep.”

“It took me a long time to get comfortable last night,” she admitted. “I think this is my fourth day in a row here. I suppose it was getting to me. I can’t even offer you a tea, sorry, the power’s been cut off.”

“That’s okay,” he said. He bit his bottom lip and took a wary step forward. “Are you ready to ditch this place?” he asked in earnest. “Or do you want to stay?”

“Um, well I’m up to date with my developing.” She stared into his eyes. She knew developing her photographs wasn’t a big deal. She knew it was just an excuse. “I’m ready to go,” she told him on a deep breath. “I just need to pack.”

“Well I don’t have my licence or cards or anything on me,” Peter said. “So I have to run home – to the old place – grab that stuff and maybe a coffee, then I can go hire a truck and we can pack all this stuff up and take it to mine? I was thinking, I’ve got a garage in this rental that’s attached to the house-”

“You’re only renting?” Ellen asked. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t sure if I could really buy and leave that other place,” he said. He stared at her seriously. “I kept thinking…what if you tried to find me? I wouldn’t be there. What if you were in trouble, you know? So, I was taking baby steps.”

“Oh right,” Ellen said softly. She nodded and blushed. “Okay, so you’ve got a garage at the new place?”

“It’s attached to the house, there’s no window in it and there are some built-in benches along one wall. You could put your dark room stuff in there if you want. I’ll just park in the driveway. That way, you could come around whenever and use it.”

“That sounds good,” Ellen said with a nod.

“And…if you want to stay in the motel that’s absolutely fine,” he said. “If you want to stay in one of my rooms, it’s an option. I’m currently stuck between the two homes. Half my stuff is in one, half my stuff is in the other, take your pick.”

“Got a couch I can sleep on somewhere?” she asked. “The bed in the motel room and I haven’t been getting along. I have nightmares there.”

“Sounds like me and my bed,” Peter said with a knowing smirk. “Yeah, I have someplace you can sleep that’s safe, Ellen, and warmer than this hole! Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“If I leave here for a couple of hours, will you be here when I get back? You’re not going to run away?”

“No,” Ellen said. Tears filled her eyes at the notion that he wasn’t sure. “Peter, no, I…I meant what I said last night. I haven’t forgotten what we said last night. I’m not going to run. I came home. I’m right here.”

“I know honey, I see you,” Peter said with an affectionate smile. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her waist, hugging her. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in a long time, Elle,” he whispered into her ear. “The very best thing I could have ever hoped to see.”

“I think I love you,” she replied softly against his neck. Peter chuckled.

“I know I love you, I win,” he shot back. He kissed her ear and then her cheek. Ellen pulled her head back slightly and looked into his light, crystal-blue eyes as he stroked her cheek and searched her face for permission to kiss her. 

Ellen’s lips parted in anticipation, she sucked in a breath and looked down at his lips, and that was all Peter needed to see. He pressed his lips to hers, gently capturing her top lip before letting it go and lingering on the bottom. Ellen laid one palm flat against his face and the other over his heart as they tentatively kissed but then parted, neither willing to rush or take it any further.

“First kiss in seven years,” Peter teased softly. “Not bad.”

“Second kiss,” Ellen replied. “I pecked you last night, super star.”

“You did?” he asked with wide eyes, pretending not to remember. 

Ellen rolled her own eyes and grinned at him. She stepped back but laced the fingers of her right hand through his left and gave them a firm squeeze. 

“So, it’s not weird?” he asked. “Because I don’t want to rush anything, Elle. I don’t want to lose you again. You know what I’m like, I’ve already lost-”

“Go and get the truck,” Ellen said softly, seriously. “Go and get a coffee, and I will be here, and we can stop at my motel room so that I can have a hot shower because standing here in this bathroom is fucking freezing, okay?”

Peter laughed loudly and nodded. He picked up their joined hands and pressed his lips firmly to her thumb. They walked out of the bathroom together, and separated so that Ellen could lead him to the door – to the lock they could apparently both pick in the middle of the night – so that she could let him out. 

“Peter,” she said before he left her. “If you have to call work-”

“Oh yeah, work…I should probably do that,” Peter said. “Because I won’t be there. They might notice. Meh.” It hadn’t even occurred to him to call work and tell them he wasn’t coming in for at least the morning, maybe the whole day. 

“Right,” Ellen said. She grinned even though her heart was racing in a sudden panic at what she had to ask him. Apparently not much had changed. “Well I hate to ask you this, but could you please not mention to the others why exactly-”

“The others?” Peter asked. “You mean Ange, Danni-”

“Yes. Please don’t say anything to them. I need to talk to you first, and you might want to hold off telling me you love me again and calling me Elle until I do.”

“Ooh, was Detective Senior Sergeant Mackenzie very, very bad?” Peter asked, teasing her in an attempt to wipe the terrified expression from her wide blue eyes. She glared at him as he chuckled, and he reached for the collar of her jacket.

“What are you doing?” she asked, concerned by his odd behaviour. He was taking off her jacket? She had thought he was concerned about how cold she was!

“I want to see your arm,” he said in a soft, focused voice. 

Oh, Ellen thought. Fair enough. She had dumped that on him in the middle of the night when they were both in shock, after all. She was self-conscious and she had needed to tell him the truth about how things had ended with Gene, to somehow reassure him that it hadn’t all been cocktails and sunsets on tropical beaches. 

She shrugged off her jacket and stretched her left arm out to show him. Her scar ran from her wrist to the inside of her elbow and while it was completely healed, it was a flat, creamy-pink reminder of being in a whole new world of pain.

“The bones are strong as ever,” she assured Peter. 

“Well they are fused with metal,” he pointed out with a wise smirk. Yet his eyes trailed down to where her hand had made a telling fist, and she allowed him to gently loosen it with his index finger and thumb. Her own fingers shook as they were forced out of their tight default position. 

“It does that when I hold my arm out like this,” she said. “I have physio-”

“So it’s nerves and muscle damage.”

“Yeah, it’s extensive. It turns out if you snap both bones nearly clean in half while your arm is twisted it ends up being a complicated injury. It’s aches in the cold, I can’t do push-ups anymore, and it’s numb a lot but mostly it’s workable. It’s fine.”

“Okay,” Peter said with a smile as he glanced up into her eyes. He let her arm hang back down by her side so that her hand could relax as well. “I’ll be back.”

*

Peter stood at his kitchen bench and carefully poured a jug of boiling water into his large thermos. Danni had already helped him pack up a good two-thirds of his kitchen, but this had been left on the floor of his pantry along with the blender he never used, and the picnic basket he had bought a long time ago when he was dating Collette and she had little Jessie – he had used it once – but he had remembered it on the run home and now he was putting it all to good use once more.

He would pick up two large coffees on the way as well. If he remembered right there was a café not too far along the main road, around the corner from the vehicle hire shop he was thinking about. It had been two years since he spent much time in that part of the city but he could still navigate through those laneways and among the commercial buildings with his eyes closed, and he saw those places in his dreams often; he was sure it would all still be exactly where he remembered. 

Peter had made it home in half the time it had taken him to get to the factory the night before, and he’d had a quick, mostly cold shower to cool off and get clean. He had dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and put his coat back on, and all he had to do was stick the thermos and a few cups and some fruit into the basket and he would be ready to leave again. Maybe he would add in some fresh bread, or he could buy some pastries or date loaf at the café when he got the coffees.

The ringing of his phone interrupted him from his thoughts, and he quickly glanced at the clock on the oven. It was only eight o’clock and work didn’t usually worry about him until maybe nine-thirty, eleven if he’d been out late working the night before. He located his phone in one of his pockets, where his wallet was now also safely stored and ready for the day, and one look at the screen told him he was about to have to put his acting skills into top gear. 

He had no idea why Ellen had asked him not to tell Angie and Danni about her, but it seemed to be something more than the fact she was just nervous after such a long time apart and didn’t want to rush. It had to be something to do with why she had left; she had said a few times that there were things that he didn’t know. Peter was intensely curious but Ellen always hated owning up to mistakes even if they were small, so really it could be anything, and a part of him really wanted to sit down with Angie and Danni and even Tony, and try to figure out what it might be.

Then again, Ellen was prepared to actually tell him without the need for guessing games, and in exchange he had promised not to divulge her existence. Peter wasn’t particularly keen on telling Angie outright anyway.

“Hey Ange,” he said as he answered his ringing phone. 

“Morning Pete,” she said on a yawn. She laughed and added, “Sorry, I’m just making brekky and I guess I still want to be in bed.”

“I know that feeling,” he told her with a straight face, while secretly grinning. 

“Um, why am I calling you? Oh right! I just want to see how you are, make sure you’re okay after last night?”

“Yeah, I’m so sorry for worrying you mate,” Pete said on a sigh. “I went for a walk like I said, came home feeling a lot better about things. I ended up sleeping a few extra hours and I think it clicked, what you’re saying about finding ways to move on. I promise ya I am going to try to do that. I hate waking you up-”

“Oh look, half the time I’m already awake,” Angie said bluntly, laughing derisively at herself. “But you worry me when you say stuff like you don’t know what to do, and you need help, and you don’t think you can do it anymore. I just said goodbye to one really good guy who decided the best option would be to shove a shotgun into his mouth and blow his brains out. I really, really, do not want-”

“It won’t, Ange,” Peter said softly, feeling incredibly guilty. He shut his eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s just, I woke up in a panic because I couldn’t remember what I told you, and what happens if I go back to sleep one of these times and you, and you-”

“Angie,” he said. On the other end of the line, Angie had started to cry. “Oh honey, Angie mate, I’m so sorry. I’m fine, I’m okay.”

“Okay,” she said. She tried to laugh as a way to stop her tears. “Okay, yeah I’m talking to you, I know you’re okay now. I’m glad, and I just wanted to check. I tried ringing earlier, and you didn’t pick up, and I just-”

“I was in the shower,” he said. It was half-true. 

“Yeah, I think I need one of those,” Angie replied. “Um, which house are you at? Do you need a lift to work?”

“I’m at the old place,” he said. “I feel better about selling too,” he added, just to help set her mind at ease as much as possible. “I think I can finish moving.”

“Good,” Angie said softly. “You want me to swing by?”

“Actually, I was going to call you,” he answered. “I’ve decided to take a day off, so I’m not coming in today. You can tell the boss, right?”

“A day off? Are you hanging out with Danni? She didn’t tell me.”

“Narr. I actually thought…well there’s no time like the present. I’m gonna move some stuff.”

It was totally true, Peter reasoned. The best lies were built on truths, after all.

“Oh!” Angie exclaimed. “Yeah, I can clear that with the boss. Fuck him.”

“They must really love us, you know?” Pete said, teasing. “We’re these two apparent imbeciles from ‘the old days’ of undercover come to play with all our baggage in shiny, professional police headquarters, and we lob in whenever and try to give a shit. We try really, really hard.”

“We do our jobs,” Angie said. “A month ago you cracked a huge coke lab.”

“Is that a pun?” Peter asked warily, listening to Angie giggle hysterically. “I think you really do need a long, hot shower Angie,” he continued. “Cracked a coke lab. Jesus. You’re right though; we’re not bad at our jobs. So you’ll tell the boss?”

“Yes I’ll tell the stupid boss!”

“Don’t call him stupid, he has a crush on you, he might be offended!”

“Augh, please don’t remind me,” she said. “I spent last night arranging photographs of my dead best friend into this large frame and thinking about my life.”

“I can’t wait to see it,” Peter told her honestly. “Did you have any epiphanies about your life?”

“No,” Angie said softly. “I just prayed a lot, last night. I prayed. Stupid, huh?”

“No,” Peter said. “And Stoney wouldn’t have thought it was stupid either. Mr Sunday School…maybe you were actually channeling his spiritual energy?”

“Oh so now who’s the hippie?” Angie asked, cackling. “I know you’re all right, Church, when you start making jokes about spiritual energy. Good luck moving. Will you get it all done today?”

“I doubt it,” Peter said, looking around at his house. There was still a lot of furniture and several boxes to move, and he hadn’t even properly booked removalists for the furniture yet. “I want to book removalists today,” he said, but he felt himself smiling when he added, “But I’m going to move the most important things today too.”

“Good,” Angie said. “Call me if you have a panic attack.”

“I’ll be okay.” Peter really meant it, and he wondered if she was paying enough attention to how he was speaking to notice. Probably not, if she was tired.

“Kickboxing tonight?” she asked. 

Yeah, Peter reasoned, she was definitely distracted. That was sadly a good thing for him while he was intent on lying to her, or omitting important information. It was against the agreement they had made two years earlier, but then again he never really talked about Ellen with her anyway, and what he knew definitely fell into that category. He was safe, he thought. Angie wouldn’t want to know. She wasn’t ready.

“Oh, uh, kickboxing,” he said. “Maybe? I’ll let you know.”

Angie seemed satisfied with that, and they hung up. Peter returned his phone to the pocket of his jeans and returned his attention to figuring out everything he needed to take back to the factory, via the truck rental. 

He arrived an hour later with the truck and backed it into the driveway of the factory with his reversal alarms beeping to let Ellen know it was him. She was there. She pushed the roller door up as far as she could with her right arm and poked it up the rest of the way with a large stick, and with a ginormous grin on her weary face. 

*


	17. Chapter 17

SEVENTEEN

Peter sat on the edge of Ellen’s motel room bed while she showered in the nearby bathroom. They had gone straight there from the factory so that they could collect the bits and pieces she had taken from the factory in the first place, as well as a small collection of clothes and toiletries that she had left behind in order to fit more food into the bags she took to the factory on her most recent trip. 

In his hands, Peter was holding the two souvenirs that obviously meant the most to Ellen, because they had been sitting side by side on her bedside table next to a ratty old copy of Pride and Prejudice. 

In his right hand, Peter held the framed photograph he had left her of the two of them standing side by side next to his old new car. His arm was around her waist and her head was tilted towards him in a casual, friendly, affectionate sort of way, and they were both smiling genuinely even though that day he knew he had needed to talk her into having her photograph taken. Had he promised to destroy it? Maybe.

Peter was glad that he never did, though. Ellen had put it into a frame that was see-through on both sides, and he loved that idea. He loved that it meant so much to her that she wanted to be able to see the words he had written on the back, words written in a moment of total panic and heartbreak, if he was honest with himself, even if the placing of it in his locker had been deliberate. It had been a desperate, last-ditch attempt to salvage something, anything, from the life he had thought was falling apart.

In his left hand, Peter was holding Angie’s thirtieth birthday card. He didn’t even remember Angie’s thirtieth birthday. Ellen said she found the card at the bottom of Angie’s locker, like it had fallen back there in her hurry to pack. He could believe that. She would have shoved it up the back of her locker at the end of the day, because she couldn’t take something like that home with her, with all their names and messages written on it referring to their work. She would have kept it in her locker and forgotten all about it. Angie probably didn’t even see it in her haste to pack. Peter remembered her that day; he remembered her vacant, bloodshot blue eyes and fair skin that shifted quickly between shades of white, green, grey and bright pink. 

If she had noticed the card on the floor of her locker that day, then she had clearly been too distraught or too angry at Ellen to realise what she was leaving behind. Written on the left side of the card were the words, ‘Happy 30th Ange. You’re the best! Thanks for saving my sorry hide a dozen times in the last year alone, and always keeping me company in the Com-V like a pro – I’m a lucky guy. Hope to know you another 30 years from now. Love ya! Oscar.’

Peter suspected that Angie would break down if he showed her those words in Oscar’s handwriting. As far as he knew, she had no samples of his handwriting anywhere. He also knew that Ellen had not just taken this card because it was a clear risk to their identities that she so fiercely protected. No, importantly, she and Peter and Danni had also written on the card. 

Danni had written, ‘Have a great day Angie. Thanks for showing me the ropes this last year and sticking by me. Appreciate it, you’re a good friend (are we allowed to have those in this job? Woops, ha!). Love Danni.’

Peter had only written, ‘Happy birthday mate. Ditto what Stoney said – I owe you many, many beers! Enjoy! Pete.’ 

Ellen’s message was more serious. She had of course been the one to purchase the card. She would have stood in the shop and carefully chosen just the right card for Angie, one that also left them enough room to sign freely. It was in fact a large, blank card, and it looked more like a custom job from a gallery than a stock-standard card one would find at a newsagency. On the front was a photograph of a suburban street that from the top of its hill overlooked a pretty sunset full of orange and pink. In the centre of the street and on the top of that hill was a girl sitting perched on her bike, with her long hair tied back in a ponytail. Her back was to the photographer, as though she had stopped in the middle of the street to watch the day’s light fade. 

Ellen would have sat at her desk to write the first message, and then just as she did with everyone’s birthday cards, she would have stored it in a large envelope with a pen and a list of names on the front to be crossed out one by one, as well as a smaller envelope for birthday drinks money. It was then passed around behind Angie’s back until everyone had signed, and the last person to do so then returned it to Ellen to keep safely until the time was right. 

Sometimes an even larger novelty card went around all of the staff, including the non-operational and support staff there on the day, but Peter could not remember if they’d done that for Angie’s thirtieth as well. Either way, Ellen had made sure that only four had signed this particular card, to Angie, from their own tight little team.

Peter couldn’t help thinking sadly that they didn’t do stuff like this in Covert Services anymore. Sometimes one or two close mates went out for a few beers if it was somebody’s birthday, and once or twice one of the admin staff had brought in a cake, but nobody took the time to select an appropriate card and pass it around. No one took charge like that, but it was something Ellen had always done even when technically Bernie Rocca had been the boss. He would have been happy to hand something like that over to her anyway, he probably thought it was a girly thing; a woman’s job if she really wanted it done. 

Peter had always appreciated those cards though. So had Oscar. They all wrote on them sincerely. Especially Ellen, he realised as he read her long, central message that was scripted carefully in neat, cursive writing. It took up the entire right hand side of the card, and the rest of them had squeezed in over to the left.

‘Dear Angie, Happy birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day. I appreciate everything you’ve done here over the last year. Thanks for being a friend to Danni, Pete and Oscar, especially when I need to be the boss, and thanks for being a friend to me even though I am the boss! Argh! …But seriously, I’ve got your back, kid!

‘So, a big warm welcome to your thirties. There are lots of things you’ll probably want to do in the coming years that you might think will conflict with this job, but I’ve walked that path, and in this place there’s nothing we can’t sort out. Come in for a chat sometime, my door is always open even when it’s closed. Congratulations on another great year, I know you work hard, but don’t forget to stop and watch the sun set every now and then. Ellen.’

Peter smiled when he remembered that even though they all called her Mac, all the time, she had always signed their birthday cards as Ellen. It didn’t seem as strange to him sitting in her motel room as it had back then, because even though he and the others had sometimes wondered if that meant ‘the boss’ was being mechanical and forced in her words, actually it meant she was being incredibly sincere. 

Peter never should have questioned it, or let the others gossip about what it meant behind her back. He had always known Ellen better than that, and she had picked up this card and kept it. It was now one of the last things she saw before she went to bed, and one of the first things she saw when she opened her eyes. 

Yeah, that had nothing to do with being cold-hearted or mechanical at all.

“Ah, you found them,” Ellen said as she emerged from the bathroom in tights and a long sweater. Her wet hair was combed back neatly behind her ears and around her shoulders. “I like that the card has everyone’s signatures in it.”

“Where did it come from?” Peter asked. “It looks unusual, now I’m actually paying attention to it.”

“It came from Eve,” Ellen said. “She had this photograph in her collection and I thought it would be perfect for Ange, since the young girl in the photo is blonde and in jeans and just hanging out. Eve let me go through her computer to try to find the digital copy of it and she had some blank cards and voila!”

“You made it?” Peter asked with wide eyes.

“Well, I pressed ‘print’ and squirted craft glue. I’m not about to get cocky.”

“Yeah, yeah but…did you ever tell her that?”

“No,” Ellen said with a curious frown. “She didn’t ask. I wasn’t going to brag about doing something your average four year old could probably do these days.”

“Sure, but I just…I didn’t know that.”

“I guess that’s the other reason I wanted to keep it,” Ellen said with a soft smile. “Eve ended up moving back to Canada. Her parents both have Alzheimer’s and the rest of her family had gravitated back there over the years. She sends me emails sometimes, but lately I haven’t had much to tell her so I haven’t written back.”

“I knew she left,” Peter admitted. “I tracked her down with Angie’s help.”

“You check on Gene, you tried to find Eve, you dream about me trying to find you…” Ellen sighed and plopped down onto the mattress beside him. She reached for the frame in his hands. “I couldn’t even bring myself to look for you. I’m sorry Peter; I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I really hope when I tell you what I have to say, that you’ll understand why, and that it doesn’t wreck this.”

“You can tell me anything,” he assured her. “Although, can I make a suggestion?”

“Sure,” Ellen said with a kind smile as she met his eyes and he grinned. 

“We were never really good at having deep and meaningful conversations in motel rooms,” he said. “That’s definitely not what I remember us doing in places like this-” He paused for effect as Ellen laughed and nodded. Good, he thought, she remembered. “So,” he went on. “Why don’t we keep going? We spent all morning packing up the truck downstairs, let’s get it to St Kilda and once it’s parked and we’ve dumped everything inside, we’ll go and have some lunch by the beach and you can tell me there. If I need some thinking time afterwards, well I have to drive the truck back into the city tonight anyway.”

“Okay,” Ellen said. “Sounds good.” She reached across him with her left hand and squeezed his farthest thigh, before patting it affectionately. “Thanks Pete.”

“Are you kidding?” he said in jest. “I still reckon I’m dreaming!”

*

“Hi!” Angie exclaimed excitedly when she got to the park to see Danni already set up on a blanket with the twins. It was cold and windy, and the sky was grey, but they were all used to it and the boys were rugged up with matching, multi-colour beanies and jumpers. Angie laughed as she knelt down on the rug and leant over to hug her friend. “Who’s the knitter among the grandparents in your family?” she asked. “Ben and Lucas are stylin’!”

“That would be Tony’s nonna,” Danni said on a sigh. 

“Tony’s nonna is still alive?” Angie asked with wide eyes and an open mouth.

“Oh yeah, she’s only eighty-seven.”

“Oh, only!” Angie said as she giggled and reached for a bouncing, babbling Ben. She yanked him towards her as she sat cross-legged and started teaching him a clapping game.

“Yep,” Danni said. “And she’s still a fire-cracker. Nonna had Tony’s dad when she was twenty-one, then his dad had Tony when he was twenty-six, and Tony’s forty so before he met me he was the batty old spinster of the family.”

“Ah, so that’s why he practically jumped you in court that day!”

“Nonna doesn’t even care that we’re not married. She was so excited to get twins out of that man that she got knitting straight away! They’re not bad though, actually. I thought the kids would find them scratchy but they like ‘em, so they can wear ‘em, whatever.”

“You’re so relaxed,” Angie said with a grin. “So, I brought my sandwich.”

“Me too, and I found some nice looking mandarins and chocolate, of course. No Church?”

“Taking a sickie to move,” Angie said. She looked at Lucas, who was lying on his back staring straight up at the sky with his arms outstretched. “What’s he doing?”

“He likes looking at trees upside down,” Danni said. “At least that’s what Tony and I have managed to guess, after several trips to the park just like this.”

“Oh my God, I just realised you and Tony are parents. Your kids are going to be just a little bit mental, aren’t they?” Angie asked with a laugh. Danni lightly threw a chocolate in her direction and chuckled, as Ben whipped his head around both ways to try to figure out what was going on. 

“My kids are going to think they’re hilarious, thank you very much,” Danni said as she wiggled her eyebrows. “As long as they’re nice people, we don’t mind.”

“I’m sure they will be,” Angie said as she smiled down at Ben. “So Peter rang me last night,” she said seriously as she continued to play with the baby. “In tears. Another nightmare. I think I snapped at him, but I called him this morning to make sure he was all right and he sounded fine, but then he said he was taking the day off.”

“Do you think he’s not fine after all?” Danni asked curiously as she peeled a mandarin and handed half to Angie.

“It was hard to tell,” she said. “I was just worried this morning. I called him twice and he didn’t answer, I waited another hour and then he picked up, but in the meantime he didn’t return my call or send me a message. It was just strange.”

“Were you actually worried he’d hurt himself?” Danni asked. “I mean, we’ve never spoken about this, but have either of you, um, thought about that?”

“Probably,” Angie said on a sigh. “I guess I have, but realistically not for awhile. Those first six months, I mean you were there for some of it…Church and I had some really, really bad nights. Bad as in I cried so much I used to make myself sick and we’d end up sitting on the bathroom floor by the toilet. It was distressing. That doesn’t happen to me anymore even though I still have bad nights, but Pete dreams more vividly than me, and he takes longer to recover. His dreams are so realistic and violent and he remembers them all. He’s been in the job a long time, you know? He’s still fit for duty but he’s also still just coping, like us all.”

“At least he’s still feeling everything,” Danni said. “He’s not totally numb.”

“True,” Angie said. “Maybe that would be a bigger danger sign for us to keep an eye out for. I just want him to be happy. I just want all of us to be happy.”

“Well he and Tony are going to go for a run twice a week after work from now on, so that’s good.”

“I’m so glad they get on,” Angie said with a smile. “He needs male friends.”

“What about the blokes you work with? You must work with a lot.”

“We do, I’m outnumbered and all the new young ones they’ve brought in are men. That’s okay, we’re actually doing more training these days, but Peter doesn’t socialize with them. He doesn’t fit in as well as he did in the factory. He doesn’t have an Oscar, you know? He doesn’t have another guy there who he can muck about with and who they sort of bounce off each other even though they’re so different.”

“I bet he’s also not used to being one of a dozen middle-aged coppers in the one space all capable of the same job.”

“True, but he and I have the best informants,” Angie said. She smirked as Danni laughed. “I made an effort to take over Oscar’s informants,” Angie continued. “Pete’s even got one of yours on board, do you remember handing Fran over to him?”

“I do, I do,” Danni said. “How is Fran?”

“Clean for now,” Angie said. “She’s just gotten out of rehab, again. Peter of course has kept all of his informants. We get good tipoffs and we’re very independent and resourceful, compared to some of these guys who aren’t used to operating with the sort of freedoms that we used to have in the unit. Like, for example, they don’t understand why we ‘come and go’ more, like we’re out on the street talking to our informants and putting on a bit of a show-”

“You’re still able to do that even if it’s not the norm?” Danni asked as she handed Ben some cheese to nibble on, before he became upset that the adults were eating and he was not.

“Our boss is pretty good and he understands that we do things differently. I’ve made an effort to adjust and change how I work to fit in – and I hate it, it doesn’t work as well and I don’t feel as comfortable out on jobs – but Pete can’t be stuffed.”

“Of course not,” Danni said with a laugh. “If it’s not broken…”

“Exactly,” Angie said. “So it’s just a really weird place to be, especially when he’s not around. It’s like they all think I have an STI after working in our unit or something. The young guys I’m training are okay, we have a bit of a laugh and they ask me about what it’s like being a woman on the job; they’re pretty nice, actually.”

“That’s good,” Danni said. “Get ‘em on your side now while they’re new.”

“That is my master plan,” Angie said, laughing softly. 

“So these others that avoid you and Church in the office, do they still have your backs on the job? You said you didn’t feel as comfortable in the field?”

“Uh, well if either Peter or I are on a major deal, the other one is always nearby, so even if the others completely pack it in and all Hell breaks loose, if something goes wrong we can get to each other-”

“Worst case scenario, like Pete got to Oscar.”

“Yes,” Angie whispered as she looked sadly at Ben. “We’ve also got identical sets of legal documents at each other’s houses. The full enchilada; wills, enduring powers of attorney that cover health decisions and finances, as well do not resuscitate orders and detailed plans about what we want to happen to us if we’re killed.”

“Always prepared, in other words.”

“Just in case,” Angie said. She helped Lucas sit up when he finally realised that cheese was on offer, and she tucked one of his stray, dark brown curls beneath his woolen beanie. “Augh, I want one of these,” she sighed. 

“I have a coin somewhere,” Danni said. “Ben can be heads, Lucas can be tails. Do you want to flip? You’ll have to fight Tony, but I’ll survive.”

“Very funny,” Angie said with a smirk. “You used to be more serious.”

“Did I?” Danni asked with a thoughtful frown. 

“Yes!” Angie said. “Tony has totally rubbed off on you.”

“I dunno, Tony can be pretty serious, especially when he’s at work or when it’s just him and me,” Danni said. She sighed. “I guess he’s always tried to make me feel better by making jokes and being very quick-witted, and we consciously try to be positive, optimistic people even on the days where I really struggled. Maybe I’ve gotten better at it over the last couple of years. Plus, I’m not working right now. I’ve got a lot of time to think and read and play with the boys…there can be stressful moments, or generally bad days, but I’m not very stressed. Just medicated.”

“Hilarious,” Angie whispered with wide, serious eyes. “What am I going to do, Danni? I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want a family.”

“IVF?” Danni suggested. Angie sighed and shrugged. She just didn’t know.

*


	18. Chapter 18

EIGHTEEN

“So your spare bed is here,” Ellen said as she stood in the second bedroom of Peter’s rental home. “And your actual bed is in your old place.”

“Yep,” he said. They had just finished moving the couch into place in the master bedroom, beneath the window just as he had imagined it, but the room itself was otherwise empty. He had then taken Ellen on a tour of the narrow, two bed, one bath home and shown her the kitchen and living area at the back of the house, as well as the small courtyard out the back where he could put a barbeque, if he so desired.

“How did your spare bed get here first?”

“Tony helped me. We only did one because, well, we needed to leave time to drink a lot of wine.”

Ellen put her hands on her hips and turned to look at him. 

“Well so do you want to go to your place and take apart your bed and move it across, or are you going to get guys to do that? Would it take long?”

“It wouldn’t take long but the mattress is heavy, Elle; the frame too. I know you took one end of the couch just before, but I saw you favouring your right arm and wincing, and we’re talking much, much heavier. I know you probably hate it, but-”

“You know me that well?” she asked, challenging him. He raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, I do,” he said pointedly. “Got a problem with that?”

“Nooo,” she said on a groan as she rolled her eyes. Peter chuckled. 

“Good. Listen, the plan would be for you to stay here tonight. Do you want me down the hall tucked up in my bed too, honestly?”

“Well it wouldn’t hurt,” Ellen mumbled as she folded her arms self-consciously over her chest and looked down at her feet. 

“Then I propose a solution,” he said. He held a finger to his lips to tell her not to say another word, as he reached for his phone and rang his newest friend. “Tony, Pete mate, how are you? Listen, I’ve hired a truck to do a bit of moving today, and I was thinking of extending the loan for a few days and just getting this done. Is it too much to ask if you meet me at the old place this arvo, and we’ll pack up my bed and shove in a few more of the heavier boxes that I need another bloke for? If you’re busy with the kids…Um, yeah, that’s great. Four-thirty, that’s not too early for you? Okay, I’ll see you then. It shouldn’t take long. Bring your muscle shirt! Yeah, yeah, see ya.”

He hung up and grinned at Ellen.

“All sorted,” he said. “You’ll just have to not be here when we’re back. Or you could hide out in this spare room, because we won’t be coming into it.”

“I can read for a few hours without making much noise,” Ellen said. “Who is he? You said his name was Tony? And he knows your name is Peter?”

“Yeah, that was inevitable. He’s Danni’s fiancé.” 

“What?” Ellen asked, so surprised she sat down on the spare bed and stared up at him with an open mouth. “But you asked about his kids. He has kids?”

“They have kids,” Peter said as he grinned and sat beside her. “He and Danni. They met a few months before Oscar died, and Dan was about to introduce us all to him when that all happened. We only met about a month ago now, and they have two little boys. I guess they must be ten months old by now? Ben and Lucas. Dunno when the wedding is going to be. She wanted us there and wasn’t coping so well, so they put it off and had the kids first just until she got her head right. Anyway, Tony’s a great guy. Danni has talked you up big-time to him. We’ve had manly chats about it.”

“Manly chats?” Mac asked. She laughed loudly and reached out to squeeze his neck and then his jaw. “That’s nice,” she managed through her giggles. 

“Yeah,” Peter said as his smile softened. “By the way, this morning when you mentioned Angie or Danni, I should tell you that obviously Danni doesn’t work with us anymore. She’s on maternity leave, but it’s actually from Missing Persons. She left the unit a few months after it was disbanded and moved to HQ. Didn’t like it there.”

“Is it awful?” Ellen asked softly, warily. “What’s changed?”

“They have us doing interrogations, for starters,” Peter said. “I get out of it most of the time because, uh, hello, I know half the guys they drag in and the half that I don’t know, I might need to know in the future. Ange has to do a lot of interrogations with the other guys who work there, and it’s obviously usually to do with people who have seen us out on the jobs they are then brought in for.”

“Ah, shit,” Ellen said as she scrunched up her nose.

“Yeah, look nothing bad has happened since we started doing it, but it’s the principle of the thing. It’s not good for my street cred. There’s less money for informants too; that usually comes out of our own pockets. Danni just wasn’t feeling very safe after everything that happened. So she took off to Missing Persons, and Ange and I lost touch with her really fast. It seems she went back to her old name-”

“Ah, Rachel Antony.”

“How do you know that?” Peter asked, stunned. Ellen frowned and smirked.

“Because I hired her,” she said obviously. “I remember all your names.”

“Freak,” Peter said, teasing her with wide eyes as she chuckled. “Anyway, we didn’t know that, so we had no idea where she had gone. She turned up at my auction with Tony and the kids, and we’ve been hanging out ever since. It was awesome. Ange and I feel like we got half a family back, you know?”

“I’m glad you’ve stuck together,” Ellen said with a gentle smile. “I hoped that you would. So wow, Danni is a mum. She’s my age.”

“Yeah, I think that’s why they jumped straight into the ‘having kids’ part of the equation after only being together six months or something like that. Tony is crazy about her, he knows the whole story and has been brilliant. I’m so glad she tracked us down…it’s helped all three of us in a big way in a very short space of time.”

“Good,” Ellen said as tears filled her eyes. “I’m really glad,” she said again.

“Hey, don’t cry,” Peter said gently. He took her hands in his and gave them a squeeze, rearranging himself on the bed so that he could sit facing her properly. “That’s down to you, do you realise that?” he asked. “I was reading that birthday card in the motel earlier, and we don’t do stuff like that where I work now. You’re the one who hired us, and stuck us in that old factory together, and rotated us all on surveillance so we got to know each other. You’re the one that insisted on little rituals like the birthday cards and drinks, even if you didn’t always actually come out with us because you got busy with work and meetings and other important stuff. The fact we’ve somehow managed to stick together and we still get on and we’re still important to each other…that’s down to you, Ellen. You created that little family.”

“Yeah, I guess,” she said softly. She bit her bottom lip and glanced at him. “It’s just hard to know I haven’t been there. I missed Danni having twins?”

“We all missed that,” Peter said with a chuckle. “And,” he added softly. “We all missed you, okay? I won’t say a word to Tony or the girls. I know this is tough, and a shock, and if I can be perfectly selfish without sounding like a total prick, I want to keep you with me and get to know you again on my own a while longer. Just us. We spent years letting work get in the way of everything we had together; the friendship, the relationship, the whole thing.”

“Well work is not a problem anymore,” Ellen said on a sigh. “I resigned several weeks ago now.”

“Is that all?” he asked, frowning deeply. “Several weeks?”

“Yes. I never quit, I was on leave,” she said. “A mix of paid and unpaid. I was granted a year initially, and then I extended it to two because obviously I was in a cast and I’d left Gene and gone home to my parents in Sydney-”

“I tried to find them too, by the way,” he pointed out quickly. Ellen chuckled.

“Anyway, I came back here and I went through the health checks and the interviews. They passed me for light duties in Homicide on nights, or in State Intelligence, coordinating with you lot in Covert Services…I couldn’t do it. They knew that, they knew in offering me those jobs that I would turn it down. I’d also been to the factory by then, and I’d found your message and the card and my couch. I realised I wanted to spend some more time there, not at HQ. So I quit.”

“Right,” Peter said as he let that news carefully sink in. “But you didn’t quit when you left initially. You…you had it in the back of your mind you might return?”

“Way, way back in my mind at that point, but I’m not an idiot,” Ellen said. 

Peter chuckled and shook his head. No, he would never call her that.

“Would you like to go out to lunch with me?” he asked hopefully. “And maybe, maybe we can go out a few nights a week for dinner, or for breakfast sometimes, or for a run or something…you still run?”

“I still run,” Ellen said with a smirk. “But since when do you run?”

“Can’t you tell?” he asked. “I do kickboxing too. Look at these muscles!” He threw a leg off the bed and flexed his foot as though to show off his calf and thigh muscles that were hidden beneath his jeans anyway. Ellen laughed and leant back. She reached for his hands to balance and Peter also chuckled and grabbed on. 

“I can tell, actually,” she said once she composed herself. “Checked out your bum this morning. You’re looking really well, Peter.”

“Physically I’m great,” he said. “The last year, that’s all been sorted. It’s the stuff up here that has needed more work.” He tapped his temple and Mac pressed her lips together and nodded. She understood. She understood better than almost all other people out there in the world. She understood as well as Angie, Danni, or even Oscar.

“I never answered your question,” she said, smiling at him she sat up straight and held his hands. “I agree that we let work get in the way of something more important. I shut down conversations so that my career wasn’t threatened and because I was scared of how I felt. I’d never had a relationship that serious, Peter, which sounds ridiculous because we never said or acted like it was serious at all. Friends with benefits, and all that! Still, I felt a connection and a sense of trust that I never had before. I wasn’t sure if you did too and I didn’t want to lose you. I finally admitted to myself that I’d wasted a lot of time being stupid when I found that message you left for me in your locker. I was so relieved you had left that photograph for me, and so ashamed and sad that I’d left you in a situation where that was even necessary.”

“You weren’t the only one who was stupid,” Peter said. “I could have pushed. I should have talked to Bernie right from the get-go about how that whole situation was handled. In the job we do, or did, it was never going to be just friends with benefits. I never stopped trusting you, I trust you with my life. I always cared, Mac-”

“Ooh, we’re back to Mac,” Ellen said, teasing him to elevate the mood a bit. 

Peter chuckled and rolled his eyes. 

“Oh stop it. I still call you Mac with Angie and Danni because that’s how they think of you, but since you left it’s weird, like overnight I just started trying to call out for Ellen. Is that okay? If I’ve been with Ange or Dan a lot it gets muddled up. Sorry.”

“I don’t mind Peter, it’s my name. I’m more Ellen now anyway. I think as Ellen too. So, Mac and I, we would both really like it if we all went to lunch together. And you can ask me out on a date anytime, and I will say yes.”

“Really?” Peter asked with wide eyes. 

Ellen nodded and leant forward for a gentle kiss as she lightly touched her hand to his nearest elbow. Peter held her thighs for balance as he also leant into the kiss and prolonged it. Ellen’s right hand tangled in his hair and she held him as their lips parted. They both moaned softly into the kiss. Peter squeezed her thighs. 

He knew that this was very different to how they had kissed in the past, during that one year of their working relationship where they’d had a separate, more private relationship. Kissing at that time had been lustful – deep and fast and passionate – and he remembered it well. There were always a few gentle kisses exchanged afterwards when they were exhausted, but they almost didn’t count. 

Peter’s stomach was in knots in his spare room, because this type of kissing wasn’t a precursor to any sort of ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement and he didn’t want it to be. No, he wanted to savour every single minute with her for the rest of his life, and when Ellen pulled away and wrapped her arms around his neck for a long, choked hug, Peter was pretty sure she was intent on doing exactly the same.

*

“Angie!” Peter said when he pulled the truck up to the front of his house that afternoon to find Angie ready and waiting with the garage door that led directly into his kitchen and living area lifted. His house was open to the street, and Angie had been standing guard there staring at her watch. He was only five minutes late, right? 

“Back it up, slacker!” she called to him with a wave of her arms. “Tony and Danni are inside tearing apart your bed.”

Peter quickly checked for traffic before backing the truck back into the drive, right up to the edge of the house. 

“Jeez, most removal crews don’t have this kind of access,” Angie said with a happy laugh as Peter jumped out of the truck to open up the back. “This is going to make it much easier.”

“Danni’s here?” Peter asked as he leant down and pecked her cheek. “Where are the twins? Why are you here?”

“Well you called Tony, then Tony called Danni to let him know that he would be late home, and I was with Danni; we’d had lunch together and I was walking her back to her car so I could help her get them into their car seats. So Danni and I made the spontaneous decision to help you clear this place out, and the babies are with Danni’s brother and her niece.”

“Danni has a brother and a niece?”

“Yes,” Angie said with a wry smile. “It’s fascinating what you learn about your friends if you bother to listen to what they say, isn’t it?” 

“Details, details!” he said with a wave of his hand. Angie chuckled and thought of Oscar and how that was his saying, but he wouldn’t mind. She quelled the flip-flopping of her stomach and beckoned Peter into his own home. 

“So,” she said. “We’ve all been here for about an hour. I got off work early; I said I was meeting an informant for drinks, ha! Your kitchen is now completely boxed up, though there wasn’t much left. Your furniture is ready to go. We’ve got about four boxes of books and movies and personal stuff as well and they’re heavy. We’ve shoved all your bedding and linen and pillows into two boxes but they’re not taped down because they’re like marshmallow boxes overflowing with softness!”

“Nice,” Peter said with a smirk. “You did this in an hour?”

“Augh, Tony and Danni are energetic! They’re outpacing me.”

“Oh, I see,” Peter said, laughing more happily. “That makes sense.”

“I thought parents of babies were meant to be tired all the time.”

“I heard that!” Danni sang. She appeared from the hallway carrying an old teddy bear. Peter blushed at the sight of the thing. “For your information,” Danni continued, ignoring him as she held the bear’s arm and made it look like it was talking. “Danni went home from lunch and had a nap while her sons had a nap, so she’s not sleepy anymore.”

“Give me that!” Peter said as he whipped the bear as carefully but quickly as possible out of Danni’s arms. Both girls were laughing at him. “Oh come on,” he said with a playful pout. “He’s old.”

“Is he forty years old?” Angie asked with a laugh. “Because you’re forty-four and I’m not sure he looks that old, does he Danni?”

“Well I did find him under the bed in a box of other crap.”

“Porn?” Angie asked. 

“No, Tony probably found that first and hid it. Narr, photo albums and stuff.”

“See,” Peter said dramatically. He stalked off into the bedroom to make sure the old bear had a safe place to be stored on the trip. 

“Sorry mate,” Tony said, chuckling as Peter entered holding the bear. “I couldn’t get to it first. She gets way too much pleasure out of snooping.”

“Ah, it’s okay,” Peter said. The box of photo albums that had been under the bed was now sitting open on just the mattress and bedframe. Peter returned him carefully to where he belonged. “It was my nephew’s,” he said to Tony quietly, listening to Angie and Danni still laughing and chatting in the hall. “He gave me his bear when my fiancée was killed. I dunno if Danni’s told you, Alice?”

“The one who was shot?” Tony asked. Peter smirked sadly. “Oh wait,” Tony went on. “They were both shot. The first one.”

“Yeah, that’s her. Matty gave me his bear to make me feel better. I kept it.”

“Way to go, Uncle Pete!”

“Narr, he was really sincere about it, it meant a lot.”

“Sure it did,” Tony said seriously and softly all of a sudden. “Sorry Peter, I can’t even imagine what that was like, and just to go through it once, let alone twice.”

“I just hope it’s third time lucky,” Peter said on a sigh, but before he said any more he stood back with his hands in his pockets and surveyed the room. “Wow, this is pretty empty. The truck’s not massive; we might need three trips. I wasn’t planning on getting it all done tonight.”

“May as well though, right?” Tony asked. He was eyeing Peter curiously but Peter was used to that look, he was used to people staring at him trying to figure him out, and his light blue eyes gave nothing away despite their clarity.

“Yeah, may as well,” Peter said. 

“Also, we’ve got three other cars here. Angie, Danni and I all came in separate cars, so we can fill those up with as much as possible and take whatever doesn’t fit in the truck. It should cut down on the return trips.”

“Exactly,” Angie said as she led Danni back into the bedroom. “Danni and I are going to start loading up our cars with boxes and the TV, and once there’s only the furniture left, then we’ll see. I think it will be two trips. Bed, mattress, kitchen stools and side-tables in one trip, then your couch and coffee table and the TV display and rug and bookcase.”

“Then we can get dinner!” Danni said excitedly, clapping her hands together. “Because Tony and I are child-free and that means it’s party time!”

“Um…sure,” Peter said, not sure at all how this was going to work. Ellen was making herself comfortable in his spare room. He wanted to spend the night with her but it seemed like that would not happen until later. He had her new mobile phone number programmed into his phone; he would have to send her a message.

“What’s that look for?” Angie asked, pausing Danni’s enthusiasm when she saw a familiar thinking-hard look in Peter’s eyes. “Why are you thinking?” she asked.

“Don’t tell us you have plans!” Danni said. She thought that was a fantastic notion and laughed brightly. Peter was forced to roll his eyes and continue the joke. Oh well, he thought. He and Ellen were used to some bad timing. She wouldn’t mind. 

*


	19. Chapter 19

NINETEEN

“I think we should give the boys to your brother overnight more often,” Tony said as Danni led the way into their house later that night. “It’s so quiet. It’s so calm.”

“It would totally ruin their routine,” Danni pointed out. Tony groaned and nodded. “Besides, I can’t wait to find out how he’s managed to cope and not call us once with a single question. I thought for sure there would be some kind of meltdown. My guess is their Aunty Alex is helping out her dad quite a lot.”

“Yeah, she’s really good with them,” Tony said with a smile. “Do you want to call? Or we’ll just get ‘em in the morning?”

“I don’t need to call,” Danni said. “He’s my big brother. He’s raising a fourteen-year-old girl all on his own and he’s been at it for ten years. He can handle two little boys. Let’s relax. Let’s have wine!”

“Ah, yes,” Tony said. “A post-dinner drink. Those were the days.”

“Dinner was nice,” Danni said as she walked into the kitchen and retrieved two wine glasses and an already opened bottle of red wine. “Pete seemed happy about the move,” she continued. “Today at lunch, Angie was concerned.”

“Oh yeah?” Tony asked. He perched on one of the kitchen stools and groaned. “I’m going to be so sore in the morning,” he said. “Why do I lift things? My legs!”

“Ah, we’re helping him out. And oh my God, it all fit in two trips!”

“He’s gotta stay there for at least a year now,” Tony said. “I’m not doing that again anytime soon.”

“I think he said it was a one-year lease,” Danni said. “You’ll recover by then baby, I promise, and if he decides he loves it there and wants to buy a place, it probably won’t be far from where we’ve left him.”

“Why was Angie concerned?” Tony asked. Danni handed him a glass of wine and sipped from her own as she shrugged. “Oh come on, tell me,” Tony insisted.

“Ah, sometimes after nightmares Church probably panics a bit and says stuff he doesn’t mean about whether or not he can see a light at the end of the tunnel. It particularly freaks Angie out since Shane Pierce killed himself. She called him this morning and said he seemed fine again, but that’s partly why we both decided to come and help you both this afternoon. She was worried and wanted to see him in person. Did you see her say goodnight to him before she left? She gave him a big hug, kissed his cheek and told him that she loved him. It was deliberate.”

“Aww,” Tony said softly as Danni chuckled. 

“Come on, we’re cops, we’ve been through a lot of crap and we’ve all attended non-suspicious deaths. We see it. These are genuine, serious concerns.”

“Love, you do not have to tell me that,” Tony assured her with a more understanding smile. “I was talking to Pete, and that teddy bear you found was given to him by his nephew when one of his fiancées died…the first one. The man’s been through the ringer. Two dead fiancées? I don’t know if I’d cope if I lost just one!”

“Oh, to make him feel better? Now I feel bad for teasing him about it,” Danni said as she scrunched up her nose and pouted. “I’ll apologise sometime.”

“Do you think he’ll ever start dating again?” Tony asked. “He told me that he hasn’t dated anyone in a few years, not since, uh…”

“It’s okay, you can say it,” Danni said with a smirk. “Not since me? Technically we didn’t date though, there was never any romance; we skipped that part. In fact we skipped a lot of important parts…three and a half years ago I guess.”

“Do you think he really hasn’t seen any other women since then though?”

“I really believe that he hasn’t,” Danni said seriously. Tony scoffed and Danni leant across the bench to look into his eyes and try to explain. “Look, here’s the thing. It sounds like a long time but it’s the job. First fiancée was a cop, second fiancée was a suspect, and there was some nurse at some stage that he met through work. 

“So option one for finding a future mate, does he just date cops? There aren’t too many policewomen hanging around who are in their thirties or forties, and if they aren’t on maternity leave then they’re spoken for, married with kids or whatever. So second option then, does he try outside of the force? He’s too high profile in his own little community of sleaze-balls that he can’t just go out to pubs and try to pick up women. Which pubs? What are the chances of running into someone he knows? 

“Plus, what name does he use? What does he tell her that he does? If it gets serious, then at what point does he come clean? How is he meant to explain Alice and Christina? Also, who would he take with him as his wing-person? Does he sit there like the creepy middle-aged loner guy? Does he take Angie, who has that beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes and is all thin and athletic and sexy?”

“What about online dating?” Tony asked. Danni shook her head immediately.

“Name, occupation, photograph,” she said. “Huge no-no. You know that photo in our bedroom is top secret. What’s he going to do, use a fake photo too? Ha.”

“You’ve put a lot of thought into this.”

“Yes, because this was how I used to look at dating in my own mind, for me,” she said. “Same with Angie, same with Oscar. If you trawl back through our past relationships, they’re cops or suspects or people on the fringes of various investigations; witnesses, bystanders, whatever. I tell you Tony, I joined undercover and the ‘normal’ relationship I’d been in until then blew apart within a matter of months. Whether they’re told about what we do or not, most partners can’t handle it. If I never met you and I stayed in undercover, I’d be single and dateless right now.”

“Gee, you’re welcome?” Tony said hopefully. Danni chuckled and held her glass out so that they could clink them together. 

“Why the sudden interest?” she asked before taking another sip. “Do you want to set him up with someone? I was thinking at lunch today about asking you if you knew anyone we could set up Angie with too. She’s lonely.”

“Tony Belioni does not play match-maker.”

“But you’re asking about Peter’s love life, and if you have a nice woman in mind I can safely reassure you that the man’s only had sex with his hand for at least two years, probably more like three and a bit.”

“Daniella!”

“What?” she asked. “Like you had such an active sex life before you got my number? I know all about you, remember. I’ve spoken to your nonna and I know how desperate the situation was becoming. According to her, you barely had any women!”

“Oh, all right,” Tony said. He laughed at the mention his all-knowing nonna. “I don’t know how we got onto my grandmother. I just wanted to know if Pete is seeing anyone, and rest assured darling, you answered the question very thoroughly.”

“Oh good,” Danni said. She happily finished her wine before slowly putting the empty glass down on the bench. “Hang on, you wanted to find out if Pete is seeing anyone? Is, as in present tense?”

“What? No, I didn’t say that.”

“Yes you did,” Danni said with her eyes narrowed. 

“I might know a guy for Angie actually, if you think she’d be okay with that. I take it her biological clock is ticking?”

“You’re not going to distract me,” she said. She gasped when Tony refused to meet her eyes, and she stretched across the bench to poke his arm. “Tell me! Tell me! What do you know?”

“Look, it might be nothing!” Tony insisted. He hurriedly finished his wine. 

Danni darted around the bench before he could escape. She trapped him on the stool with an arm braced against the bench on either side of him. Tony looked into her inquiring, strong green eyes and smiled as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, until her thighs were nestled comfortably between his on the stool.

“Tony,” she said more softly as she relaxed and laid her arms easily over his shoulders. “I know you and Pete have this great little bonding thing going on at the moment, and Angie and I were both saying today how wonderful we think that is, for Pete as well as you, but Angie woke up in a panic this morning because she was worried he might have hurt himself. Now, maybe that was slightly irrational because Peter is pretty damn resilient, and Angie isn’t quite thinking straight all the time-”

“Maybe we shouldn’t set her up until-”

“Shh,” Danni said with a wise smile. “Forget Angie for a second. Just between husband and wife here-”

“We’re not married.”

“Is Peter seeing a woman?” she asked, ignoring semantics.

“I don’t know,” Tony said in earnest. 

“But you know something.”

“I know some things,” he said. “I don’t know if I should tell you. It’s just reporter’s intuition and I wouldn’t want Angie to turn the idea of a possible girlfriend into something to do with getting over Mac. I know what she’s been pushing, because he’s told me. He’s not a moron; he knows that. I wouldn’t want to upset him.”

“I know. Pete’s actually highly intelligent when it comes to people. How else do you think he’s still alive in the job? We’ve spoken about it too, him and me. If that’s your main concern, then here is my three-pronged promise. One, I’ll use my judgment as a police officer and their friend. Two, I won’t go behind Pete’s back. Three, I won’t do anything to risk your bromance. How about that? Now, tell me.” 

“Okay. It happened this afternoon. He’d just told me about the bear and how he came to have it, after his fiancée was shot. I said that I couldn’t imagine that happening to me once, let alone twice. Peter said, ‘I just hope it’s third time lucky’. He said it’s, as in it is, as in present tense. Then he very quickly changed the subject, you and Angie came in and suggested we all have dinner, and he hesitated. Did you see it?”

“Of course, I had a go at him about it.”

“I think you might have been somewhat close to the mark, Danni.”

“What?”

“I think he had plans,” Tony said with a definite nod and wide, earnest eyes. “I’m a guy, I know the signs, and when I ducked out of the room to help you load up the cars and I came back to give Pete a hand with the bed, he was standing there text messaging with his back to the door. From what you’ve told me and from what I know about him, Peter would not be using his personal phone for work and everyone he would have sent a text message to socially was right there at his house.”

“Really?” Danni asked. She smiled curiously. “Intriguing. You’re right about the text messaging of course. Secret text messages. Well spotted! A definite clue.”

“I am a reporter. I know news when I see it, even if it’s somewhat hidden.”

“But he woke up from a nightmare last night and called Angie.”

“Maybe they’re not sleeping over yet. And what’s he going to do, freak out a new girlfriend with all of the baggage you lot carry around? That being said, did you notice that when we finally left for dinner, he left some lights on around the place-”

“For security, so people walking past think someone is home,” Danni said.

“Is it for security to leave your back door unlocked?” 

Danni froze and stared at him, wide-eyed. 

“What?” she asked. 

“Again, you and Angie were in and out of his new house with boxes, and just as the last one was being dumped in the living room, Peter walked over to the back doors. He unlocked the security screen and the glass door and slid them open like he was checking out the back yard, and then he closed them again. He did not lock them. Seconds later, he was ushering us all out of the house to dinner.” 

“Oh my God,” Danni said as soon as she bought into the idea. “Do you think she was coming over? She was going to let herself in? Peter Church would never leave doors unlocked! He was distracted at dinner, and he’s been procrastinating about this move for weeks, and now all of a sudden he’s taking time off work to just get it finished? Oh my God, he met someone! He did! You have to find out more!”

“As if Peter is going to tell me; I’m engaged to his blabbermouth friend.”

“Oh please, please find out more,” she said as she leant against him and pouted. “Please? This is really good, baby. This is fantastic! Oh, I hope it’s true.”

“I’ll take the blame if it’s not, but you can’t tell Angie!”

“I won’t, and I won’t tell Pete that I know or suspect either. Not with my gorgeous, sexy, definitely-not-having-sex-with-his-hand-tonight fiancé on the case?”

“Oh really,” Tony said with a laugh. “Is that a bribe?”

“Does it matter if it is?” she retorted. She laughed and leant down for a deep, languid kiss. “Come on,” she whispered against his mouth. “Our beautiful sons are having a sleepover at their Uncle Davie’s place and that means we can do whatever we want, wherever we want, as loud as however we want.”

“Ooh baby,” Tony teased. He grinned as he slid his hands beneath her blouse and grasped her smooth, bare skin. Danni moaned and sucked on his neck while he pulled her urgently against him and she undid the buttons of his shirt. “Naked in the kitchen it is,” he mumbled against her collarbone. “Nonna would be so proud.”

“Shh,” Danni said, chuckling for a second before recapturing his lips.

*

“I am so sorry!” Peter said when he collapsed face-first onto the bed in the spare room. Ellen was sitting up against the headboard with a sketchpad balanced on her raised knees, and she smiled kindly at him and chuckled when he lifted his eyes. 

“How was dinner?”

“Oh God, it was never-ending! Where did you go this evening?”

“The beach and an early dinner by myself,” she said. “Thanks for leaving the back door unlocked. I know that’s not an easy thing to walk away from.”

“Easier than I thought it’d be,” he mumbled as he rested his face into his bicep. “Dinner was really good actually, fun,” he added as Ellen reached out and ruffled his hair affectionately. “Did you see the catastrophe in the living room?”

“Yeah Peter, you can’t miss it. Boxes, couches…I take it Angie and Danni didn’t go into your room and see my couch sitting quite obviously at the window?”

“No, Tony and I took the bed in. If they went in, they didn’t comment on it.”

“Good,” Ellen said with a smile. “Anyway it’s fine, I’ve just been drawing.”

“Can I see?” he asked. He sat up, suddenly more alert and interested.

“Sure, but do you want to see something better than my scribbles first?”

“Yes,” he said with a wide smile. He sat cross-legged on the bed and watched as Ellen got out of bed and retrieved the large black folder he had seen her remove from the factory’s laundry along with some of her photography equipment. “Oh, are these the photos you said you took of the factory?”

“Ahuh,” she said happily as she handed him the folio. “Interior and exterior and just general area…though I managed to avoid our mugger after that one time.”

“I think he was avoiding you, sweetheart,” Peter said without looking up. He sighed as he looked at the large black and white photographs. Some of them were obviously of an empty warehouse, but others were more abstract; the staircase to her landing, the metal bannister, the view from the top, the way the light trickled into what had once been the archives, with all the old cabinets still there, covered in dust. 

Sometimes she had her hand and forearm in the shot, as though she was climbing the stairs or standing on the landing or reaching for the dust that fluttered visibly about in the sunlight, and sometimes there was a white-knuckled grip involved and other times it was more relaxed. There were photographs of the locker room, with the lockers all open and empty and abandoned, and the bathroom, with the discoloured sink appearing alone. In the last bathroom photograph, Ellen could be seen taking the photograph in the reflection of the dirty old mirror. 

“Nice self-portraits,” he said softly. He wasn’t educated on art or art history, but he knew what he was looking at. He could feel her in what he was looking at. 

The last few photographs would have once been even more dangerous than the others; they captured the exterior, the roller door, the brick building and the surrounding laneways. Again, Ellen had set up a portrait, and there was a photograph of her picking the lock to gain entry to this strange place she had documented. 

When Peter got to the end of the folio he started working his way slowly back to the front, looking at all the images for a second time. 

“These are beautiful, Ellen.”

“I’m happy with them,” she said. “They’re not in the right order yet, but thanks.”

“What were you hoping to capture?” he asked. 

“Um, a record?” she suggested. He looked at her and smiled, encouraging her to continue. Ellen bit her bottom lip and gestured to the open folio in his lap. “A record that we were there, that someone was there once, and now it’s this disused space full of dust and sunlight coming in at odd angles. Yet it still felt like home to me. I suppose it’s questioning whether I’m also a bit dusty, disused, hidden…that’s what I wanted to capture; the invisibility but also the presence of the place, and me.”

“There are no pictures of your office,” he said.

“No, because all my crap was in there,” she said with a soft laugh. “Besides, I didn’t need photos of that place. I think I left a part of myself in that office when I left, a part of my heart. So photographing it didn’t fit the brief. It wasn’t dusty or disused or hidden, not to me. That’s where all the hope and safety that I needed was.”

“Would you exhibit them?” he asked curiously, with a hopeful smile. 

“Ah, I’m sure the police would love that,” Ellen said with a dismissive laugh. “But um, maybe, if they gave me permission. I’m not sure they’re that good though.”

“They are,” Peter said with tears in his eyes as he closed the folio. “It would be dramatic, all blown up. And if not these, then others, sometime in the future.”

“Possibly,” Ellen said. “I have some savings, a little time to figure things out.”

“Good,” Peter replied. “You should take some time. I’m at work all day tomorrow, and I’ll get you a spare key tomorrow too…but I might be home late.”

“That’s okay, you can leave me in this mess, I’m not going anywhere,” Ellen assured him. She reached out and squeezed his hand. “Breakfast tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” he said, smiling tiredly. “It’s just, Jesus, twenty-four hours ago we hadn’t even seen each other again. I didn’t know where you were, if you were okay-”

“Well tonight,” Ellen told him with a gentle smile. “Tonight you can rest assured that I will be asleep across the hall. I worried about you too, Peter, but we’re both warm and safe and well fed, and we’re coping with this, um, surprise. It was definitely a surprise, but I feel…lucky.”

“You feel lucky?” Peter asked, laughing. “You know I said I’d go for a walk at two o’clock in the morning on a whim, right? On a whim, I figured why not go to the factory for the first time in two years, maybe that would help me get over you and would satisfy Angie’s orders that I do just that.”

“Angie’s orders?” Mac asked.

“Shh, I’m making a speech. Now, also on a whim I’d brought my Swiss Army knife and a torch but not my wallet, and I’ve got no idea why I made that decision, but it meant I didn’t get mugged and I could break into that old building. Then I remembered your furniture still in your office and all our chats over the years on that couch and thought, ‘wouldn’t it be great if I nicked that and put it in my room?’ And there you were…just there, napping at three a.m.”

“The motel bed was lumpy!” 

“Ellen, you can make light of this however you want, but I’ve felt unlucky a lot of times in my life, and you always used to joke that I had used up all of my nine lives on the job and then some… Being totally serious, I am the luckiest, happiest man on the planet today. I am seriously worried about going back to work in case it’s tempting fate somehow.”

“You believe in fate?” Ellen asked pointedly. 

“I might, after this last day. It was hard to keep a straight face at dinner. It was hard not to sit there and relive it. It was so hard not to jump up onto the table and do a little ‘I found Mac asleep in her office on her couch and she loves me’ dance.”

“Oh, could you do that dance for me one day?” Ellen asked. She laughed at the image he conjured up. 

Peter grinned. Without further invitation, he did a little dance where he was sitting in the bed, by waving his arms around and wiggling his hips into the mattress. Ellen’s laugh broadened and was loud but light. She felt pure joy. She could not remember the last time she laughed like that.

She had felt so alone the previous night after spending all that time developing her photographs and then getting the chance to hold them and observe them. It had taken her so long to get to sleep in the cold factory, with hardly any food left to sustain her, and it was incredibly surreal to think that she was going to go to sleep that night in a bed, in a house where she felt she belonged and was unconditionally accepted, with Peter Church asleep just across the hall. She still had a lot to tell him, things she hadn’t been able to bring herself to tell him over lunch, but it could wait until morning. She was happy too, and she wanted to try to make that feeling last.

*


	20. Chapter 20

TWENTY

“It’s Angie,” Peter said when his phone rang the next morning. 

Ellen had found his electric jug amongst the last of the boxes that had been brought over, and on her way home the previous night had ducked in the local grocery store for tea bags and bread and a few bare necessities, so they could actually have a half-decent breakfast at home instead of going to another café. 

They were sitting on the two kitchen stools alongside the kitchen’s small island bench, in between the bench and the stove. Ellen held her mug of tea in both of her hands as Peter held his ringing phone and debated what to do with it.

“She calls at this time most mornings,” he told her.

“Put her on speaker phone?” Ellen suggested hopefully. “I want to hear her voice.” She transferred her cup of tea to her stronger right hand and made a show with her left of zipping her lips up tightly. Peter nodded. He planted his phone on the kitchen bench between them and answered. 

“Good morning Senior Constable,” he said. 

“Oh yeah right, if they ever make a position available.”

“If you’re that desperate for the hooks you should be in uniform.”

“Don’t tempt me. How was your first night in the new house? Did you sleep okay?”

“I did actually!” he said, beaming. “Best sleep I had in ages! I did wake up, but I was fine. It took a few deep breaths, rolled over and went straight back to sleep.”

“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that!” Angie said, gushing over the phone. “I don’t mean to sound patronizing but well done Pete! I wish I had a sticker I could give you, a gold star for your sleep chart!”

“Ha-ha,” Pete said, rolling his eyes. “How was your night? Do you need a hand hanging up that collection of photo frames for Oscar you were telling me that you put together? Is it twelve little frames or one big heavy-”

“Oh it’s really cool actually,” Angie said. “They’re regular-sized photo frames for the wall but they’re plastic – they only look wooden – and they all click together, so you can arrange them in whatever pattern you like! I put it up myself, but thanks for the offer. It’s in the living room. You know where the couch is against the wall?”

“Yeah.”

“And if you’re sitting on the couch and look right you see the front door, but if you look left you’ve got the hallway to the bedrooms as well as that slab of wall between the hallway and the back door?”

“Oh, it’s there?”

“Yeah, so it’s the first thing I see when I get home and look into the house, and it’s pretty much the last thing I see before I leave in the morning too, before I lock the door. I love it. I took a picture and emailed it to Brad and Shirley; they liked it.”

“I bet,” Peter said softly. “I can’t wait to see it myself. I want to see these photos of little Oscar.”

“They’re adorable!” Angie said on a sigh. “Are you coming to work today?”

“Eventually, yeah.”

“Peter!”

“I’ve got to get keys sorted! Plus I’m really sore from all the moving.”

“Okay, okay. That must be why you slept so well, you were exhausted.”

“Yeah I was actually,” Peter admitted on a sigh, thinking of the night before and how little sleep he had actually gotten. “But honestly Ange, I’m fine today.”

“Good. Can I ask you a question then? Are you sitting down?”

“Yeees,” he said warily. “What’s your question?”

“Danni and I were talking about IVF yesterday at lunch, and I’ve been thinking about it a bit-”

“Do you want a donation?” Peter asked, deadpanning. 

“No! Augh…oh wait, no offence. Too complicated. I just wanted to know what you thought? Do you think I’m too young for that still? Danni got pregnant when she was thirty-six without any intervention, non-identical twins, that’s two eggs that managed all on their own-”

“Yeah but those types of twins run in her family, and remember what happened when she was your age with moi?” Peter said bluntly. “That was rough.”

“Oh God, she was my age! Oh, now I’m worried.”

“I bet that puts you off asking for a donation now, eh?” he asked, teasing.

“That wasn’t your fault Peter,” Angie said on a sigh. “I don’t know what to do. I wish I could ask him.”

“We could ask hypothetically. What would Oscar say about it all?”

“He would hate the idea!” Angie exclaimed. “He would be all, ‘Oh, I’ve got your back Ange, but you know me, all I really want is a wife, three kids and a dog’.”

“Nice impression.”

“That’s not an impression. He said that to me once!”

“Oh,” Peter said on a chuckle. Opposite him, Ellen quietly sipped her tea.

“He wanted a wife, three kids and a dog, Peter. If he was here and I could ask him about whether I should do it on my own he would freak out.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to freak out,” Peter reasoned. “And you know that I definitely have your back, and Danni and Tony and anyone else. We all would.”

“I know. I have time to make a decision I suppose. Maybe two more years.”

“That’s the spirit!”

“I should start saving money now.”

“Atta girl.”

“You’re humouring me, aren’t you?”

“I am indeed.”

“What’s got you in such a good mood this morning?”

“Oh, I opened a new box of teabags. It’s that fresh tea smell.”

Ellen nearly choked on the last of her tea in an effort not to laugh. He motioned for her to be quiet and she quickly pressed her lips together. 

“Wow,” Angie said wryly. “I bet you feel really bad about all the whining that’s been going on for the past couple of months about this moving house business. Did you leave your forwarding address with the agent so that he can pass it onto the new owners? You know, in case pigs start to fly and Mac actually comes knocking.”

“I’m doing it this morning,” Peter promised, even though he had totally forgotten about that part of the plan.

“Just don’t get your hopes up okay? Don’t live the rest of your life waiting for that knock on the door or that phone call from that woman. Our lives and our futures are worth more than the Hell we were dumped in, okay?”

“Yeah okay,” Peter said, knowing it was easier to just agree with her first thing in the morning. “I’ll see you at work, gorgeous.”

“Enjoy your first breakfast in your new house with your new tea!” Angie said on a lighter note. She said goodbye and hung up, and Peter also ended the call. 

He glanced at Ellen warily. 

“Well,” she said softly. “I guess I know what Angie thinks of me. Is she trying to have a baby?” 

“No, not yet anyway,” Peter said. He rubbed his face tiredly as Ellen got up from her stool to put the jug on for another cup of tea, and she plugged the toaster into the wall and reached for the bread. 

“But she’s thinking about it?” she asked. 

“Well, you heard her, so yeah,” Peter said. “It’s been getting more obvious over the last six months or so. She’s lonely, she feels ready to move on, and I’ve been the one holding her back – at least I’ve felt that way sometimes – and I think she feels a more urgent desire for kids since Danni came back into the picture with the twins. Angie spends a lot of time with them, which Danni loves of course! Danni has her family close by but not a lot of other friends, same as us.”

“Yes, but would Angie really do it on her own using IVF?”

“That’s news to me, but she hasn’t shown any real interest in dating or having a relationship. It’s just talk. Maybe she feels like she’d be cheating on Oscar? But they only kissed once. They were never actually together, ever, not like you and me-”

“I know Peter, I was their boss,” Ellen said with a wise smile. She tapped the side of her nose. “I know everything.”

“Ah, okay then, smarty-pants.”

“So on a scale of one to ten how much does she hate me?” Ellen asked.

“It fluctuates,” Peter said. “Between five and eleven on any given day.”

“What?” Ellen asked. She was so surprised she knocked the bread off the counter. “Eleven?”

“It’s okay,” Peter said softly as he slid off his stool and retrieved the bag of bread. He put two slices in the toaster, let the bag fall to the counter, and stared at the terrified tears that had filled Ellen’s eyes. “Elle, honey, it’s okay. Most of the time she doesn’t mean it. Yeah, she does feel a bit betrayed and abandoned, but we’re also talking about Oscar here too, it’s all jumbled up in her head and most of the time she’s mouthing off because she’s missing him and sick of me missing you.”

“I don’t think I can see her yet, Pete,” Ellen whispered as she held her cool hands against her suddenly hot and flushed face. “I don’t know what I would say. I mean I’d barely worked out what I might say to you before the other night! I had no idea what to say when I saw you, but you made it so easy, and I don’t think I could handle being told that I was hated, that she didn’t want to see me ever again…by Angie? You saw that birthday card that I found, you read what I wrote in it?”

“Yeah, I did,” Peter said. “You wrote an awesome birthday message in it.”

“Well I’ve been reading it over and over since I found it, and reflecting and thinking that it would be okay. Of all the people I might have chosen to show myself to, Angie was actually at the top of my list. You scared me far more. Oh my God.”

“Hey, hey, don’t panic,” Peter said. He urged her towards him for a hug that she numbly returned. He grabbed hold of her left hand and brought it up to his lips. “There is absolutely no rush,” he whispered to her knuckles as she stared at him. A tear trickled onto her cheeks. “No one is going to force you to go head-to-head with Angie, and if and when you choose to say hi, I’d like to go with you, all right? Angie and I have become really close in the last two years. We work together, we have each other’s backs, and she calls me most mornings just for a chat while she’s making breakfast. I can handle her if she drops her bundle and starts throwing things.”

“Okay,” Mac said softly, laughing as she rolled her eyes. “God, I’m pathetic.”

“No, you’re not. You know how I said that Angie’s started mentioning kids more and more over the last six months or so?” He paused and Ellen nodded. “Well,” he went on. “Her fuse has been getting shorter in that time too. The bitterness. Fewer tears, more anger. I try to keep a lid on it, I keep her pretty cool most of the time, and having Danni to talk to now is really helping her, I’m sure it is. She just has this idea that she’s missed out on some kind of future with Oscar, even though, again, they weren’t together, they weren’t in love-”

“And you think we were?” Ellen asked, raising a pointed eyebrow.

“We were complicated,” Peter said. “I loved you, I probably didn’t want to-”

“Wow, a girl can’t hear that enough!” Ellen said, teasing him as she ruffled his hair and ducked out of his hug to get her toast. “Sorry, I’m giving you a hard time. I didn’t want to feel anything either, and neither of us were willing to talk about it and figure things out. However, we seem to have corrected that deficiency fairly quickly.”

“Uh, yeah,” Peter said obviously. He leant beside her and slowly rubbed her back through her robe. “Scared?” he asked.

“Oh, a little, not really,” she assured him with a gentle smile. She glanced sideways at him and gave him a little air kiss, and Peter leant his chin lovingly on her shoulder. “Although technically we’re only dating,” Ellen quipped.

“Ah, but we’re dating after ten years of friendship, which included-”

“A two year absence.”

“I was going to say a year of amazing sex. Come on Ellen, think of the positives!”

Ellen laughed loudly as he walked away and shook his head in mock-shame.

“Seriously though,” she asked him. “The two years doesn’t bother you?”

“No,” Peter said without hesitating as he sat back on his stool and faced her. “Not even a little bit.”

“But why not?” she asked. “I mean I believe you, I trust you, but I’m curious.”

“Because I forgave you probably within twenty-four hours. I forgave you as soon as I realised the unit’s budget was deep in the red and you’d been trying to stave that off for longer than you ever let on. I forgave you as soon as I saw the state that Angie and Danni were both in having lost Oscar, I’m sure I didn’t look too crash-hot either. I forgave you when I was standing in the factory watching police pack away our life’s work. I forgave you when I was sitting in my car on your street waiting for you to come home, and I realised that I cared more about your own personal safety and health than I did about any decision you might have made or any other guy you might be with or what might have driven you to leave. And Ellen, Mac, I’d already forgiven you when I went back to the factory on the last day of clean-up and I left that message for you telling you that no matter what, it was all okay.”

“I guess I knew that,” Ellen said softly as she wiped tears from her cheeks. “I just never expected it. I always knew you had a big heart, Pete, and you love so completely, you dive in and you just put your whole soul into the people you care about – I knew that, I saw it happen – I guess I just never tried to apply that to me.”

“Apply it, baby,” Peter said with a kind smirk. “Because this big heart is all yours if you want it. Has been for ages.”

“I want it,” Ellen assured him with a hopeful smile. “I do. Can I tell you something before you hand it over though? Something important?”

“Oh, this is the thing we were meant to talk about yesterday, but didn’t? Sure, go ahead. Nothing you can say will shock me.”

“Uh, I’m pretty sure this will,” Ellen said cautiously. “Just, stay sitting down.”

“Okay. I’m down.”

“So you found out the unit was in trouble financially…do the others know?”

“Angie and Danni know that we were in the red, but not by how much. I heard a ballpark figure on the grapevine and it was a lot. I heard we’d been tanking for about a year?”

“Yeah, about that,” Ellen said. “We could have recovered, I had us on track to recovery and I thought I could keep us operating for at least another year until, uh, we had kind of a situation come up that none of you know about.”

“What sort of situation?” Peter asked. 

“A security scare,” Ellen said. “Oscar was being followed.”

“What?” Peter asked. He leant his elbows on the bench and propped his face up with his hands like a curious little boy, and Ellen found herself smiling and nodded. “Well no wonder we got disbanded then. Tell me more. What happened?”

“Oscar came to me with not much more than a bad feeling to begin with. We met privately, after hours in my office, and he gave me a list of all the times he could have sworn there was someone watching him, or following him. He was concerned. He’d been pretty jumpy since the cancer diagnosis and treatment, he was feeling cooped up being on light duties, but I still took him seriously.”

“Of course, you would take any of us seriously on something like that,” Peter said. “We never really caught the guys who killed him, Ellie. If you could help-”

“I can’t,” Ellen said softly. “The case will never be solved.”

“Why not?” Peter asked. 

Ellen took a deep breath, looked him right in the eyes and said, “Because I paid the people who killed him, Peter, and I paid everyone involved in Oscar’s death out of our unit’s budget with the very last of our credit, with money I didn’t have, and with every favour owed to me that I could rustle up.”

Peter stared at her with an open mouth for several seconds, still holding his own head up with his arms and elbows propped on the bench. 

“You…arranged his death,” he said, finally able to find some words. Ellen nodded. “You…” Peter stumbled, trying to think. “You paid for a hit?”

“I promised Oscar that I would do a bit of covert surveillance work myself, to see if his concerns were justified. All he had to do was go about life as normal. I tracked down who was following him by following him myself. He didn’t want me to tell you all in case it turned out he was overreacting, but he asked me for that favour.”

“And you figured it out?” Peter asked. 

“Yep. I hung back and watched Oscar being watched. They were a lot closer to all of us than I ever realised. I can’t tell you who it was but I can say that one of the people involved worked with us in a support role, and he has since been arrested on another charge.”

“Someone we worked with was stalking Oscar?” Peter asked. “Why?”

“Because he was sick,” Ellen said. “The problem was that this person was leaking information about Oscar and word was getting around. I didn’t know who was behind it to begin with, but then I discovered through some of my old informants that his information was going public. I told Oscar and asked him what he would like to do. At that point, I knew the unit closing was inevitable because our internal security was compromised, even though the budget was probably still salvageable. We would need to move quickly from then on. I told Oscar this. 

“Oscar felt very vulnerable at that point, I was kind but firm. I told him that we could fix this, that I could protect him and that I would act in his best interests. He trusted me, so I talked him through his options and gave him as much information and as much time as I dared. He made the decision – on his own – that he couldn’t handle the job anymore and that he wanted to walk away. He said all he wanted was to make sure that myself, you, Angie and Danni were safe. He told me this in my office again at night, just the two of us. I have a tape recording of it, which he allowed me to take. He’d had cancer, Pete, and he wanted a quieter life, a better quality of life.”

“So…” Peter said when Ellen paused for a long period of time to breathe. She was breathing heavily, her face were flushed, her voice was shaking. He knew where this was going, suddenly. “So when you say you paid everyone involved in Oscar’s death out of our budget, you’re not talking about murder at all.”

“No,” Ellen said softly as she shook her head. “No, I’m not.”

“Holy shit,” Peter whispered, his wide blue eyes meeting hers. 

*


	21. Chapter 21

TWENTY-ONE

“Holy shit,” Peter said again as he sat at the bench, unmoved, minutes later. 

Ellen had given up watching him and had continued to finish making herself toast with vegemite for breakfast, but she was now standing opposite him again, quietly eating without taking her eyes off of his. Her stomach was aching with fear and anxiety but she had to force herself to eat because she was also starving.

“But,” Peter said finally. “But I saw him. He was shot multiple times. At least five times. He was bleeding. He lost consciousness. He…he died. I was right there.”

“It was staged,” Ellen said on a serious whisper. “There were blood packs and the shooter fired blanks. There were meant to be witnesses, it was meant to be messy, it was meant to look entirely real.”

“Was I meant to be a witness?” Peter asked. “Did you and he-”

“Please believe me,” Ellen said. A tear trickled suddenly from one of her eyes and she wiped it away. She hated when that happened. She abandoned her food to focus on holding herself together, but the image of Peter cradling Oscar’s body and the knowledge that she had put both men in that position was hard to move past. 

“Ellen,” he asked again. “Was I meant to be there to see it, to make it believable?”

“I didn’t mean for you to be that close,” she said. “I didn’t mean for you to have it all happen right in front of your face, to be close enough to get to him, to hold him in your arms before the medical team intervened. Peter, I am so sorry. I’m sorry.”

“He’s not dead,” Peter said, finally able to articulate the point of Ellen’s entire story. She shook her head. No, she confirmed, Oscar was not dead. “But he looked at me,” Peter continued. “And he was trying to speak. I’ve always wanted to know what he was trying to say to me. Then he closed his eyes…was he acting?”

“Yeah sweetheart, he was acting.”

“Holy fuck!” Peter exclaimed loudly as he slammed his palms down on the bench with a determined thud.

Ellen flinched but did not otherwise move. Peter stared at her with wide eyes and a slack jaw. He was shaking. She couldn’t work out what she saw in his eyes. Betrayal, deceit, shock, anger, pain, confusion, or all of the above? She was sure he felt violated, at the very least. She had betrayed his trust. Oscar had betrayed his trust. 

“Do you realise,” Peter began quietly as he stared at her, imploring her to understand. “Do you realise how traumatised we all are, Ellen? Do you realise what this has done to us?”

Ellen covered her nose and mouth with both of her hands and nodded as tears trickled freely from her eyes. She refused to cry though, she wasn’t crying. 

“I couldn’t face you,” she managed. “I couldn’t face you all. I’m sorry. I thought I would be able to handle it, I thought I would be able to get us all through this. I had a plan in my head about how it was all going to go. I readied myself, Oscar readied himself too, but in the end I couldn’t handle it. My one job was to keep that unit together and you all were my whole life. Gene turned up and I thought, ‘Oh fuck this’…I just wanted a little bit of what I’d arranged for Oscar, I couldn’t stand to be left behind. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to comfort you all. 

“But I had to tell you this Peter. I knew that if I ever saw you again I would have to tell you as soon as possible. I could never lie to you. I could never stand here and make breakfast and have you tell me that you love me and you forgive me and you’re so happy; to have you say those things and not know the complete truth…now you know. I did a horrible thing. I was trying to do a good thing – big picture, long term – but in minute detail Oscar and I destroyed something very precious, and something I don’t think I really deserve to get back. So um, now you know-”

“And now I’m meant to go to work and look Angie in the eyes,” Peter said. 

“I’m sorry. It’s why I didn’t come home as soon as I left Gene. It’s why I suppose I’ve had this innate desire to talk to Angie first. It’s why I can look you in the eyes and tell you that I love you but I wasn’t sure I was ready to find you yet.”

“Well…can I tell her?” Peter asked. 

“Um…”

“Ellen, please,” Peter said urgently. “I can’t go to work and sit beside her and not tell her something like this. I can do it without bringing you into it at all.” 

“Oh yeah? How do you suggest we do that?” Ellen asked as she wiped her face. “I’ve been over it a million times, Peter. There was never a way to tell you this without exposing myself. Angie already has me at eleven out of ten on the hatred scale. I just…I don’t know how to handle this. You’re not the only ones who are traumatised, okay? He was my friend and this was my unit. I’m devastated. I’ve been devastated for all of us, and I’ve done it in secret because Gene never knew, my parents don’t know. I tried to think of all the ways to tell you. I wrote letters on the boat with Gene, I wrote you and Angie and Danni letters, but they all ended with me saying goodbye, they all became suicide notes and that terrified me so I burnt them-”

“No-no-no,” Peter said quickly as soon as the S-word was mentioned. He jumped off his stool and rushed around the bench and wrapped his arms around her. “No,” he said again, whispering in her ear as she clutched at his shirt and began to sob heavily into his chest. “Okay,” he hushed. “It’s okay. You don’t need to do that.”

“I never wanted to, that’s not what I set out to do. I was just drifting, so I started taking better care of myself. Then I came here and I found your message. I’d put you through so much and you didn’t even know it, and there you were telling me ‘it’s all okay’, and as much as I want to I just can’t believe you really think that-”

“Shh, it’s true,” he hissed as tears filled his own eyes. He squeezed her more tightly. “It’s okay, you’re okay, I’m okay.”

“You’re not okay,” Ellen sobbed. “I did something horrible.”

“No you didn’t,” Peter said on a sigh. He was surprised to discover that he meant it. “You did your job, you were thorough. You did what you would have done for any of us if we’d come to you in the same position and asked for the same thing.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Shh, it’s okay,” he repeated softly. “You have to believe that it’s okay Elle, honey. It’s okay. I’m not angry, I’m glad you told me. Thank you for telling me. If you want forgiveness, you’ve got it. The unit really would have folded?”

“On the security breach alone, absolutely. With the money I had to fork out to arrange things for Oscar – and we’re talking about a lot of people, you understand-”

“The guy had a whole medical team with him, all telling me he’d signed an NFR and they had to let him go, so yeah, I’m thinking a lot of people and a lot of cash changed hands under the table along with the non-disclosure agreements.”

“I knew the unit would be disbanded,” Ellen muttered as she dried her face on his shirt and nuzzled his strong chest. One of his hands tangled in her hair and stroked it, soothing her until her tears stopped. “I couldn’t face you,” she whispered finally. 

“Well you’ve faced me now,” Peter told her as he brushed his nose and lips over the top of her head. “You’ve managed that now, and it wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“I’ve imagined worse.”

“Exactly. So, where is he, do you know? Is he safe? Is he in protection?”

“Um…” She hesitated and lifted her head. She swallowed heavily as Peter brushed several more tears from her cheeks and offered her a muted but encouraging smile. “He’s not in protection because he’s not a witness,” she said. “We decided that Oscar’s safety and the unit’s safety was more important and we needed to act on that instead. He got the deluxe treatment, so just like I used to arrange your covers and all your ID and backstories for different jobs, only it was top notch and fully legit.”

“So he’s got a foolproof driver’s licence, for example.”

“Licence, birth certificate, passport, school record, Medicare card, he’s got a medical history that includes his cancer so all of those records got transferred or copied to his new identity, and his ‘new’ parents have birth certificates and passports and licences – it’s in all the computers, all the databases. I was meticulous.”

“How much money did you fork out from your own savings?”

“Um…about twenty thousand dollars, on top of what I was able to take out of the budget. I pulled the cash out of my mortgage and then of course you probably know that I sold the house very quickly afterwards, and I was able to repay the bank with some to spare, so that wasn’t a really huge deal.”

“Oh no, just an extra twenty grand in your own profits from the sale.”

“It was for Oscar,” Ellen said seriously. “His only concern was safety and peace of mind, his and ours. How could I not do everything possible to ensure that?”

“Do you know his new name, or where he is? Or even if he’s okay?”

“I don’t know where he is,” Ellen whispered. 

“Did you give him an alternative to all this?” Peter asked. “Surely we could have just dropped our staff immediately and relocated? Cameron had become Oscar once, surely Oscar could have become someone else and stayed in the job.”

“Yes, I told him those things,” Ellen said sadly. “But you don’t understand. Peter, he put on a brave face for us all, but he was spent. He was a young guy, thirty-one years old, and I felt like I was sitting in the office with an old man. He’d just survived testicular cancer, he’d been through so much in terms of treatment and fears and he’d thought about his mortality and his life and he just…he looked me in the eyes and said that he didn’t want to do it anymore. He asked me to help him.”

“And it had to be a public execution because?”

“We needed this guy to truly believe that Oscar was dead, not to assume we’d done something tricky to disappear him. He knew all about the rest of us as well, who we were and how we operated. But if you’re asking who came up with the idea of the shooting in the hospital, that was me. I did. Oscar said he wanted to go out in style.”

“You said you had it on tape?” Peter asked. Ellen nodded. “Okay,” Peter said. “I trust you, one hundred and ten percent, but Angie is going to need those tapes.”

“They’re in Sydney. I couldn’t risk them being found on me, ever. I can’t ask mum and dad to send them because of where they are; I need to get them in person.”

“Okay,” Peter said softly. “There’s no rush then, but…he’s really not dead?”

“Not unless something has happened to him in the last two years.”

“Do you know his name?” Peter asked. “Ellen, do you know it? You said he got the deluxe treatment, that it’s in all the computers…that means you checked personally, doesn’t it?”

“If I said yes but I couldn’t tell you, would it change how you felt about me? Would you look at me differently?” Ellen asked seriously. 

“Elle, sweetheart, no. It’s just that…his brother Shane killed himself in the last month, he ate his gun on the property-”

“What?” she asked, her eyes wide. “Oh no.”

“Oh yeah. Ange went up there for two weeks, spent the time with the family, came clean about that whole ‘Michelle’ thing that Oscar never cleared up before he died. Could you get a message to him about Shane? About his brother?”

“Even if I could, I’m not sure that would be fair to him.”

“I just can’t believe he’d choose an option like that,” Peter said as he shook his head. “To leave his family behind? He really walked away from his parents and his brothers? They’re a tight-knit family. Was it to keep them safe?”

“Yes,” she said. “We’ll call this guy ‘the stalker’. The stalker had been in his house, he worked in the factory with us, he was following Oscar and leaving threatening phone calls and it was scaring him, Peter. Oscar was scared, and he was scared for his family and for us. Maybe I could have done more to reassure him, I don’t know. We were rushed, in the end. And the truth is, and I am sorry to say this, but I don’t know his new name. I did check the records personally, but I was shown a veiled record; the pathways were all the same but the names were altered, encrypted. I checked that the altered names all matched and didn’t raise any red flags in the databases, and when I left that veil was taken down and the records were confirmed.”

“Oh,” Peter said on an obviously disappointed sigh. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Ellen told him, looking him straight in the eyes. She lifted her hands to rest against his chest and his damp shirt. “Also,” she said. “Oscar asked if he could give me a new email address for himself and I said no. It’s one thing to be strong enough to make this decision in the first place, it’s another thing to hold firm on that decision when you’re getting updates. I said no. He was okay with that.”

“All right,” Peter said softly. “You gave him the option, at least. We all know the deal with this, Elle. Stoney knew what he was asking for better than most.”

“Yes, he did,” Ellen said. “And I repeated it to him, he was fully informed.”

“So, the bottom line is that he’s gone,” Peter continued softly. He tucked her loose hair behind her ear. “But he didn’t die in my arms on that hospital floor.”

“That’s right, Peter.”

“So really he’s a giant faker.”

“Ahuh,” Ellen said, smiling as Peter rolled his eyes and playfully huffed. “Are you okay?” she asked him. “Do you think you’ll be okay? Do you want me to go?”

“No, don’t go. I think I need to call in sick and just have a lie down and hold you and let this all sink in,” Peter said. “Would that be okay?”

“Yes,” Ellen said softly. 

“Okay, then that’s what I’m going to do,” he said. He dropped his head tiredly to hers and rested his forehead to her temple. “Thank you,” he said again. “Thank you for coming back here. Whether I found you by accident the other night or whether it took you another month or six months to find me and tell me, thank you for being here to do it in person. I don’t want to lose you Ellen, not to this, not to anything.”

“I never wanted to lose you,” she assured him. “I could never bring myself to do that to you, or to myself. I’m sad but honestly I’m kind of proud. I know I did a good thing for Oscar; it’s just all the consequences, secrecy and sadness. I’m okay.”

“Do you feel better, now you told me?” he asked hopefully. 

“I think I need a lie down too, and I’m still not sure you should be forgiving me so quickly for this, but I feel better now I’ve told someone. You keep saying thank you but really I need to be thanking you. I expected to be out on my ass about now.”

“Now I know why you said you were worried I’d hate you,” Peter said. He pressed his lips tenderly to her cheek, near the corner of her lips, before balancing his forehead once more against hers. “I don’t hate you. Oscar asked for your help, he made a choice, and I always thought that he never got that chance. How could I hate you for doing what you did? How could I ever hate you?”

“Call in sick,” she whispered. “I love you too but I need to, um, have a hot shower I think. Can I lie down in your room then, please?”

“Sure,” Peter said as they parted. He watched her self-consciously wipe her face again and fight back a fresh round of tears, like a little girl afraid of being scolded by the teacher. He wondered if that was how she felt. Scared? Hell yeah. She was flushed and looked a bit sick actually, and he rubbed her cheek and smiled at her. She didn’t meet his eyes, and padded back down the hallway to the bathroom. 

Peter decided not to even bother calling Angie. A text message to her would do just fine. Instead, he called his boss directly. He had no problems lying to the boss.

* 

“He’s where?” Angie asked as she sat at her desk and stared up into the inquiring eyes of Inspector Harris. “The hospital?”

“When he rang me he said he was about to leave. He’d had a call from his nephew that his sister had gone there with chest pains. He might be in later today, it just depends what’s going on.”

“Oh wow,” Angie said as concern flooded her face and her heart. Deborah wasn’t even fifty. “Um, okay. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be in on the morning briefing in a few minutes okay? I have to make a couple of calls.”

“Sure,” he said with a smile before stalking off. 

Angie retrieved her mobile phone immediately to see if she had missed any messages from Peter. He must have gotten the call from Mathew almost as soon as she had ended her call with him. 

She did not have any messages, and she bit her bottom lip as she quickly typed one out. ‘Pete,’ she wrote. ‘Harris just told me. You better not be playing hookie…I hope everything is okay with Deb. Let me know. Ange.’

Mission accomplished, she sat back in her chair and thought about calling him, but if he was already at the hospital then it probably wasn’t a good time. Mathew was a young man but he’d had his run-ins with drugs and partying, and she knew Peter would be keen to be there to provide support just in case. Still, there was one more person she had to call, and she held her phone to her ear as it rang through.

“Morning Angie,” Danni said. “Guess what? I don’t think Playschool has changed much since I was a little girl. I’m constantly surprised by how much I remember. I never guess what window they’re going to look through though…”

“So you’re having fun watching Playschool on TV and the boys are-”

“Oh, they lost interest about five minutes ago,” she said. “We just got home from Grandma and Grandpa’s house and they’re pretty worn out, so they’re playing with real life toys! I’m not worn out; I got to sleep in. What can I do for you?”

“I’ve got a pretty big day lined up,” Angie explained hurriedly. She was keen not to miss the morning briefing. “I might get a bit tied up on a job until late-”

“Sure. What do you need?”

“I need you to check on Church at some stage. He’s called in sick-”

“The piker!” Danni said with a laugh. “You should have heard Tony whinging this morning about how sore he was. Church is a few years older and not quite as fit and I can only imagine he’s hobbling around his house like a poor old man.”

“Actually it seems like his sister might have had a heart attack. I’m not entirely sure how true that is, but it’s what he’s told the boss and he didn’t message me to let me know if I should be covering for him or what. I actually spoke to him this morning and he sounded great! He said he would be right in, so something must have happened between then and now. I’ve sent him a message but I might have to leave this phone behind so if you get a chance, can you just touch base with him?”

“Yeah, sure,” Danni said more seriously. “I’m sure everything will be fine.”

“I know. He just sounded pretty happy this morning…any other time I’d just assume he’s chucking a sickie to finish unpacking, but he doesn’t often ditch me when there’s a big job on. Thanks Danni.”

“No worries Ange. Be careful out there today.”

Angie said goodbye and hung up, and she sighed as she put her phone into her desk drawer. She would follow up with Peter later. 

*


	22. Chapter 22

TWENTY-TWO

“Why did you choose St Kilda?” Ellen asked as she helped Peter unpack his books and movies that afternoon. In her journey between the boxes and his small bookshelf, she could only take as many items as she could safely hold in her right hand at any one time; her left was only useful in a support and not a gripping role. It was a slow and steady process but Peter had not said anything to her about that. She appreciated that because she wasn’t an invalid, but then again she was not sure he had even noticed. He was busy deciding on exactly where to put his coffee table in relation to the couch and the television. The correct decision would surely come down to ‘an inch further to the left…perfect’.

“I wanted to get out of the city,” he told her. “I thought being close to the beach could be a good thing. It’s a different vibe too, a bit more laid back, more families and such. I decided that if I was going to sell the old place then there was no point moving to somewhere that was basically the same. The only reason to leave would be for a change of scenery, a change of location. As you say, voila!”

“I’ve always liked this area,” Ellen said. “It’s pricey though.”

“That’s why I’m renting for a year,” he answered. “I didn’t know how much my old house would sell for or how much I’d have to spend at the time. Even though now I know I’d be able to buy once settlement pulls through, I still want to test it out, and it’s easier to keep an eye on the market if you’re in it. Renting also gives me a chance to figure out what I’m going to do about work, it gives me some freedom. It will be the first time I’ve ever had a nice chunk of cash sitting in the bank.”

“Always handy,” Ellen said with a soft smile in his direction. “Do you know this is the first time I’ve actually unpacked since I moved into my own house, back in the day? I’ve been living out of my bags for the last two years, and I know this is all your stuff but it feels very foreign to be unpacking, very settled.”

“I’m a pretty settled guy,” Peter said with a chuckle. “Not that you’d know it if you only see me in action on the job.”

“I remember how thick your disciplinary file was, Church,” Ellen said. She raised her eyebrow coyly. “For a while I wasn’t sure if you were a hothead masquerading as a normal guy, a bit of a family man, or the other way around.”

“How long did it take you to figure it out?”

“Not long,” she said with a smug smile. “Hotheads aren’t as cool under pressure as you, and they don’t necessarily understand who they are as people and what they want out of life as well as you. It didn’t take me long to figure that out, once I bothered to take the time and sit back to try.”

“Which was when?” Peter asked curiously.

“Not long after we broke up,” she answered. “I genuinely had no idea what on earth was going on in that head of yours when you jumped into bed with Christina, knowing we’d wired the place for sound. I realised I better try to figure you out before you got yourself killed.” She stopped, her blue eyes wide, when she realised what she had said. After all, Peter had been saved, but Christina Rossi had not.

“It’s okay,” Peter said on a sigh. “It was a long time ago. You’ve really been living out of those two black bags for the last two years?”

“Yep. I didn’t even unpack at mum and dad’s. I kept everything together, just in case I had to move quickly. I didn’t want to get too ‘at home’ with mum and dad either; they were good to me but it was very strange to spend a year there as an adult, and of course they’re in their seventies now-”

“Their seventies?” Peter asked. “Really?”

“Oh yes,” Ellen said with a firm nod. “They were on adoption lists for years before they got me, then Michael five years later even though he and I are only two years apart in age. They got me as a baby, and Michael as a toddler. Mum was about my age now, when they adopted me.”

“They must have been ecstatic,” Peter said with an endearing smile. Ellen grinned and nodded. 

“I think so. There was a huge generational gap of course, but they did okay. The strange thing was that I think most people look at their parents and can see their future, with their similar bodies and personalities they can preview their own old age? I can’t do that. It’s like watching these two strangers get older. I love them but we’re set-apart. I have no idea how I’ll be as an older woman, and I felt so different to them. They’re in good health though, that’s something to be thankful for.”

“I’d love to see a picture one day,” Peter said. “Even though it’s not a window into your future, I’d like to know more about them.”

“Sure,” Ellen said with a soft smile. “You can meet them, if you like.” She blushed and Peter grinned at her. It was the first time she had invited him to meet anyone from her private life and they both knew it. Meeting her adopted parents was even more of a big deal than just meeting some of her old friends she might have hung out with once a long time ago. This was meeting the parents, Peter realised. He hadn’t been in a situation like that since he started dating Alice in his early twenties. 

“Time really flies, doesn’t it?” he pondered suddenly.

“It does and it doesn’t,” Ellen said. “We’ve got a few more wrinkles and I’m probably more philosophical than I used to be…but I’m the same. I was standing in the factory and it was entirely empty, but it could have just as easily been full. It feels like yesterday and about a million years ago all at once.”

“I think I’m more philosophical too,” Peter said. “Very ‘things happen for a reason’. Angie teases me about it sometimes and I wasn’t always like that. It wasn’t always easy to believe the stuff going on in my life was going on for a reason.”

“Sometimes it isn’t,” Ellen said with a shrug as she put the last of his books away. They were all arranged in alphabetical order, of course. “However, a lot of events and circumstances from a person’s past will impact on their present or future, at certain points in time. If you’re paying attention you can draw connections. Is there a reason that we both ended up in the factory at the same time? Were we meant to run into each other like that? Probably not. But considering the sorts of people that we are and how important that place was to us, it’s no surprise we both chose to revisit it upon reflection, and it’s probably also no surprise that we were thinking about the other person also being there at some stage too. The timing…that’s just freaky.”

“Ah, freaky. All the questions of the universe explained in one word.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty smart,” Ellen said with a droll smirk and a roll of her eyes. 

Peter chuckled and collapsed back onto his couch. 

“I’m done!” he declared. “Is your arm okay?”

“It’s fine, just tingling,” she assured him softly. “I had light weights in Sydney and my physio gave me exercises, but I’ve been distracted since I decided to come back here, so I’ll need to put in some time soon. It probably won’t get back to full strength, ever, now that I won’t be pushing to get back to active duties. I can relax, I suppose, and it does everything important like help me get dressed. If it was a choice between cracking my arm in half or cracking my head open, I’ll take the arm.”

“Same.”

“Can I sit down?” Ellen asked as she walked over to the couch. 

“Sure.” Peter lifted his legs for her to sit on that far end of the couch, and Ellen chuckled as she sat and he promptly put his feet in her lap. Her hands settled on his bare ankles and she leant her head back against the cushion to close her eyes. “I had a nice nap today,” Peter told her softly. “Thanks.”

“That’s all right. It’s been a long time since I had a proper cuddle in bed with someone who really wanted me there. Do you have any more questions?”

“No, I think you explained it really well,” Peter said. “I have no questions.”

“Do you have feelings you need to get off your chest?”

“I don’t think so,” he said. He frowned thoughtfully as she glanced at him with wary, deep blue eyes and a pensive grimace. “It’s strange,” he continued. “I actually feel like this makes so much more sense than what I thought had happened.”

“You’re kidding,” Ellen said wryly. 

“It’s bizarre, because this is by far the craziest-sounding chain of events, and yet the night I went to the factory, I remember telling Angie that something didn’t feel right. Something has never felt quite right about how it all went down, about your leaving. I felt like I missed something, that I should have been paying more attention. I asked Ange if she could remember anything out of the ordinary from around that time and she blew me off. But now I feel like I have the whole story, and I know I wasn’t crazy to feel like I was missing pieces of a puzzle, without realising it.”

“Good,” Ellen said quietly as she stifled a yawn.

“Yeah,” Peter went on. “I’d really like to know where Stoney ended up and if he’s okay, of course, but it’s not the same urgent, awful feeling I had wanting to know where you were and if you were okay. I think I feel calm, that’s the best word for it.”

“Thank God,” Ellen said under her breath, her eyes closed. “I’m exhausted.”

“It’s pretty stressful carrying this all on your own for over two years, huh?”

“Yes. I didn’t expect it to be this hard. I just thought I’d be fine, like always. It got worse out on the boat with Gene because I became bored and aimless, but when I left him I managed to put it to the back of my mind by constantly making decisions, even if it was about the most mundane of things. My arm was a good distraction, and the photography and painting helps, because I’m making very small decisions and focusing in on something specific, and I temporarily forget everything else that I’m holding inside my head or heart or on my shoulders. Of course, that’s a trick of the mind. My body knew exactly what I was doing, judging by how spent I feel now.”

“Well you can relax, because now I’m carrying the burden too, okay?”

“Sounds fucking fantastic,” Ellen mumbled under her breath as she pinched the bridge of her nose. 

Peter chuckled and wiggled his feet playfully in her lap. She squeezed his ankles and rubbed the tops of his feet in thanks. They drifted into silence, until they both heard the distinctive sound of a car pulling up out the front.

“That’s Tony’s diesel,” Peter told her. “I bet he and Danni switched cars.”

“Oh, not Danni. Not today.”

“Come on,” Peter said as he leant forward and removed his feet from her lap. He put a hand to her back, between her shoulder blades, and pushed her upright. “Spare room. Go hide.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ellen said as she waved her arms around her head and strutted back down the hallway. Peter chuckled and hurried to the front door. Opening it up, he saw Danni just making her way from the car with the twins in the pram. 

“This is a surprise!” he declared with a grin. He walked out to meet her in the driveway, and Danni leant forwards to peck his cheek. 

“How’s your sister?” she asked immediately.

“Are there no secrets between you and Angie anymore?” Peter asked, laughing. “What did she do, call you as soon as the boss talked to her this morning?”

“Yeahuh!” Danni said. She watched as Peter leant down and scooped Lucas up into his arms. For once, Ben was happy to sit in the pram and be pushed inside. “You unpacked!” Danni exclaimed as soon as she crossed the threshold with the pram. “I knew it. Was there anything wrong with your sister at all?”

“Yes!” Peter insisted, aware he had to keep up the pretense. 

“So you didn’t just take the day off to finish unpacking?”

“No. Deb is actually going to be okay. She has to have some more tests but they think it’s Angina. It wasn’t a heart attack. Matt’s fine. There was no point going back to work for the afternoon because everyone is out on a job for the night, so I thought I’d use my time to unpack. What do you think?”

“It’s great!” Danni said. She picked Ben up as soon as the pram stopped moving and he began fussing and whining to be let out. 

Danni walked thoughtfully around the living area and Peter’s eyes quickly followed her. He looked for any evidence that there was a second person in the house, but he saw nothing except for the two mugs in the kitchen from that morning; they could both be his.

“How are you feeling, now you’re in?” Danni asked.

“Good,” Peter said. “Why, what did Angie say?”

“Nothing!” Danni said with a laugh. “Oh okay, just that you sounded happy this morning, but you were distracted at dinner last night so I just wanted to double-check.”

“I’m glad double-checking on my happiness has become such a priority for you women,” Peter said with a smirk as he bounced Lucas playfully in his arms and listened to him squeal and laugh. “Now speaking of happiness, these two babies have it in spades!”

“I was going to take them to the beach for a random play in the sand. Want to come? We’re going to get messy!”

“I dunno Danni, I’m pretty tired from all the moving.”

“Don’t try that. That was Tony this morning trying to get out of going to work.” She glared. “You already got out of going to work. Come on, please? I’m a stay-at-home-mum and you don’t have anything better to do, right? For an hour?”

“We can walk there I guess,” Peter said. “Maybe get a juice on the way?”

“Ooh, a juice? A few days here and you’re already turning into a yuppie!”

“Funny,” Peter said. “Let me get my jacket and thongs.”

“Yes! Thank you Church! You’re the greatest, a saviour, my hero-”

“Pfft!” he said. Leaving Danni in the living room, he got his jacket from his bedroom and threw it over his shoulder, he slipped into his shoes, and then he darted into the spare room without knocking. 

Ellen looked up from her novel and stared past him with an open mouth. It was only then that Peter remembered he was carrying Lucas, with his dark, curly hair and curious brown eyes, but with the same lips and nose and brow as Danni. He squealed and pointed out towards the new person he could see.

“We’re going to the beach for an hour,” Peter hissed at Ellen. “This is Lucas.”

Ellen smiled with her still-open mouth and waved at Lucas while mouthing, ‘Bye’ to Peter. He backed out of the room with a parting grin in her direction and closed the door as quietly as possible. 

“Ready?” Danni asked from almost directly behind him, with Ben in his pram.  
Peter jumped and turned, startled, but Danni mostly ignored him. 

“I thought that’s your room,” she said, pointing to the bedroom on the opposite side of the front hall.

“It is, but I’ve got some clothes and stuff in the spare room,” he said, recovering well. “It’s still a dumping ground. I haven’t organized my cupboard yet.”

“Oh, right,” Danni said. It seemed like she believed him and he breathed a silent, almost unnoticeable sigh of relief as he led her out of the house and back down the drive, Lucas still balanced on his hip. “Tony and I have started talking about the wedding,” Danni announced as they strolled. “It will probably be at City Hall in a few weeks, a month tops.”

“That’s soon!”

“Yes but neither of us want it to be fancy or expensive. What do you think?”

“I think it’s great,” Peter assured her with an easygoing smile. Lucas was enjoying seeing the world pass him by from an adult’s eye-level and kept pointing and happily chatting along the way. “Got a dress picked out?” Peter asked.

“Uh, not yet,” Danni said with a laugh. 

“That’s the most important bit, isn’t it?”

“I guess? I’m not even sure if I want to wear white. Anyway, it will be a small affair, just my immediate family and Tony’s family. I’m going to ask my niece Alex to stand beside me, bridesmaid of sorts. She’s fourteen, she’s called dibs.”

“Ah, any excuse to wear a pretty dress and makeup at that age, isn’t it?”

“Don’t tell my brother that, he’s already stressing about the next few years of raising this teenager!” Danni said with a laugh. “However, she’s a really good kid, very smart, great with the boys. And I wanted to ask you and Angie as well…Tony and I want you both to be our witnesses, to sign the licence. Would that be all right?”

“Of course!” Peter said with a wide grin. “I’d love that. Thanks Danni. Will you do something afterwards?”

“Maybe a barbeque or something really casual. We’re hoping Tony’s parents volunteer for that because they have this incredibly large entertainment space out the back of their house with a wood-fired pizza oven, and his dad is actually a superb cook when it comes to the traditional Italian staples. It would take the pressure off.”

“I can answer for Ange as well, since she’s working. We’ll be there.”

“Great,” Danni said with a grin. She reached out with her free hand and touched his arm gently while adding, “And you can bring someone, if you want.”

“Oh yeah, my imaginary friend,” Peter said, chuckling. “He’ll be there too!”

“I’m serious,” she said. “I just want you to know that even if Angie isn’t in that place yet, I know there might be a time where you would like to bring a lady friend along to one of these things…and that would be okay with me and Tony.”

“Well thanks Danni,” Peter said, laughing. “I wouldn’t call your wedding just ‘one of these things’, it’s a special day! I’ve tried to get there twice before and I’ve never actually made it to the alter, so go nuts, buy a beautiful dress and enjoy it!”

“Hmm, true,” Danni said. She glanced at him. “Tony told me where that teddy bear actually came from, the one you kept under the bed. Sorry I made fun of you.”

“It’s okay,” Peter said with a shrug. “It was a long time ago and I only sleep with him when I’m really sad and lonely. Maybe I do need a woman.”

Danni giggled as he met her eyes and playfully grinned. 

“Nothing wrong with that,” she told him, still giggling. “You’re right though, I should buy a beautiful, expensive dress! But you can still bring someone if you want.”

“Are you trying to ask if I want to be set up on a blind date?” Peter asked. “Is that what this is? Because I’d rather not be set up with one of Tony’s journalist mates. Journalists are nosy and I’m a private guy.”

“But if you met someone and you really hit it off, would you tell her everything?” Danni asked. “No secrets?”

“Yes,” Peter said definitely. “Though it would have to be a pretty special relationship to even get to that point, and at my age I’m not sure how likely I am to find that with someone who just walks in off the street. I would have to be absolutely sure I could trust her. And before you and Angie start trying to set me up with random women, I’m not at that place in my life yet either. I’m not in any rush.”

“Would you go through it all again though?” Danni asked. “Propose again?”

“Oh…third time lucky I suppose,” he said. “Yes I would. One day I will.”

*


	23. Chapter 23

TWENTY-THREE

Ellen got out of bed when she heard Danni’s familiar, loud laughter from just outside. She went across the hall to Peter’s room and sat on her old couch from the factory that rested underneath his front window, and she peered carefully out onto the street and towards the driveway, through the thin hedging. 

Peter and Danni were standing beside her car talking, and Danni was pushing a large, long pram back and forth; Ellen supposed it was long to fit two children in it at once. She caught sight of a little hand waving out over the edge from the front, and when a toy was flung out towards Peter he leant down, picked it up and gave it back to the baby. 

Ellen turned her attention to Danni then. Danni was as tall as Ellen remembered, about the same as herself and Peter, and her once-blonde hair was a more natural golden brown. It was tied back in a loose, thick braid that touched just between her shoulder blades. She was only wearing khaki pants and a pink jumper, she was softer around the waist and hips, but she still had that hourglass, curvaceous model look about her, even with her back turned. 

Ellen saw and felt Peter’s eyes flicker towards his window briefly and she automatically shrank backwards without losing eye contact. He was smiling and still in conversation, and Ellen felt a little bit guilty for spying, but then again that was what they did, and she wanted to watch Danni for awhile, to try to get a sense of her, before jumping out from the hallway to shout, ‘surprise!’

Ellen definitely would not be trying that with Angie, but if Danni was as bubbly and bright as Ellen remembered, then she would probably think it was hilarious.

“Tisk-tisk,” Peter said when he found her in his room five minutes later, after waving Danni and the boys off from the driveway. “Running surveillance, are we?”

“Was it obvious?”

“No, she’s got no idea. She had her back to you the whole time.”

“Lucas looks just like her.”

“Yeah and the colouring comes from Tony. I took pictures!”

“You did?” Ellen asked. She sat up straighter on her couch as Peter nodded and hurried to her with his phone in his hands. He kicked off his sandy thongs on the way and sat down beside her. “Wow, times have changed,” Ellen remarked. “Taking pictures of each other-”

“The work isn’t as important to Danni and I as it once was,” Peter said. “She’s got heaps of family pictures all over her house – none of us of course – but of the babies, obviously. And it’s not like we have a strict, security-conscious boss to crack the whip if she ever dares see a camera not being used for professional purposes.”

“Ah, but the boss has mellowed,” Ellen said with a gentle laugh. “She got her own camera out at work and took a hundred happy snaps. In fact, she used two cameras!”

“Ah, but having backup was always very important to her,” Peter said as their eyes met and they grinned. “Okay, do you want to see photos or not?”

“Yes!” Ellen exclaimed happily as she nodded and shuffled up against Peter’s thigh and his side so that she could properly look into his mobile phone. 

“This is Ben,” Peter said of the little boy sitting in the sand with his blonde hair cast brightly in the afternoon sun. He was laughing and pointing at the camera. “Can’t walk or talk yet,” Peter explained. “But he knows what a mobile phone is and he knew exactly what I was doing. It won’t be long before he’s ripping it out of my hands to take selfies of up his nose.”

“Charming,” Ellen said. She sighed as Peter flicked through a few more photos of Ben with his hands in the sand and playing with the edges of the towel they were on. “And Lucas?” Ellen asked when he got to photographs of the boys together.

“Yep. So Ben obviously has Danni’s colouring and Lucas has Tony’s, but face-wise they’re almost identical we think.”

“They look so much like Danni.”

“It’s pretty neat, huh? Ben’s the boisterous one. If he’s awake you know it, because he never shuts up. Lucas is quiet and curious, and he has this intense stare as he looks at you. He was chirpy today, but he’s really easygoing most of the time.”

“I take it that’s Tony’s personality too?”

“I think so,” Peter said. “Though he and Danni together are pretty chilled about life, and apparently Danni is a lot happier and more relaxed now that she’s gotten back in touch with me and Ange, and we’re hanging out almost every day. Tony told me that’s been important to her, to re-establish that after a couple of years of slogging it out on her own. It’s probably rubbing off on the babies, Lucas especially. Also he’s got a clean bill of health now so they’re not stressing anymore.”

“What was wrong with Lucas?” Ellen asked.

“He was born with one of those holes in his heart? Had to have surgery. I wasn’t around by then, so I’m not really sure what went on, but he’s totally fine now.”

“Good,” she said on a sigh. “That’s really good. How scary.”

“Here’s Danni!” Peter said dramatically as he swiped across to the next photo. Danni was sitting on the towel and she had her tongue poked out playfully, her green eyes halfway to rolling up towards the sky.

Ellen laughed loudly.

“Yeah,” Peter said. “She was making fun of me for taking too many photos. But I knew you would want to see them, especially after getting a glimpse of Lucas. Here’s Danni with both of the twins…I had to make her lie down on her stomach for that one, I’m not sure she was too impressed but she fakes the smile well.”

“She looks very happy,” Ellen said on a whisper as she looked at Danni’s face poking in between her sons’ small but chubby and strong-looking bodies. “Is Tony tall?” Ellen asked.

“About half a head taller than me and you I guess? He’s athletic and he used to play tennis a lot as a kid, so he’s got that broad chest and strong arms. He’s pretty sturdy though, I mean he’s forty now. He’s got dark curly hair that’s going grey, like the rest of us, dark eyes, nice smile, has a joke for everything, and he’s really smart.”

“Sounds attractive,” Ellen said, smirking at Peter’s description. 

“He’s all right,” Peter said. “He’s a good guy. He certainly managed to make a good first impression on Danni.”

“Obviously,” Ellen said with a laugh. 

“Oh and here’s me and Danni taking photos of ourselves, together. Cover your eyes, boss! Security! Security!”

“Ha-ha-ha,” Ellen replied, shoving him playfully as he giggled at her. “Thank you for taking photographs. After hearing her voice and seeing Lucas it all suddenly felt a lot more real, you know? I miss her! You said you see each other most days?”

“See each other or talk or message or something,” Peter said. “When she came back it was almost as though no time had passed at all, and we just hung out and it’s been really great. Tony knows all about what happened between us a few years back and is a-okay with it, which I think is bloody awesome, considering.”

“I’m okay with it,” Ellen said with a frown. “You didn’t think he would be?”

“Uh, some guys might be uncomfortable if their girlfriend was hanging out with her ex all the time, especially when there was a, uh, pregnancy there for awhile.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Ellen said with a telling smirk. She leveled him with a playful grimace and Peter blushed and shook his head. “Peter, it’s okay,” she said more gently as she laid her hand on his arm. “Come on, you’re my friends. As upset as I was when I found out – because I’d gotten the feeling we were almost in a position to perhaps revisit our own relationship – I was also genuinely sorry when Danni told me what had happened with her scan and that she was having a termination. I genuinely did my best to give her time and support her and to not ‘be the boss’ about something so personal and sad. I had dated through work too; you, that profiler I had one night with, my relationship with Hollister over in Homicide… It happens, I get it. I was never going to hold that over your heads like a hypocrite.”

“I knew that was rough for you too,” Peter said softly as he looked into her eyes. “I had been about to talk to you about possibly going on a date with me.”

“That would have made things very complicated,” Mac said with a wise smile.

“Would you have said yes anyway?” he asked. 

“I would have told you to sort things out with Danni and come back to me,” she said. “I didn’t think Danni knew what we’d had. I don’t know if she knows now?”

“Oh, she knows!” Peter said. He grinned, happy to boast. “She and Angie know everything. I blubbered it all out to Ange at some stage after you left and Danni always suspected or knew bits and pieces, and I’ve filled in the gaps in the last month or so. Tony knows too, he knows all about you. Danni and I filled him in.”

“Oh good, I think,” Ellen said. She looked at him with a wary grimace and Peter chuckled and nodded. 

“It is good. He likes the hypothetical Mac.”

“And Danni is still okay with the hypothetical Mac?”

“I’m pretty sure she is,” he said. “She still has a lot of questions, like I did, she still thinks about you every day too, but probably less than I did because she’s got the kids to look after. She definitely doesn’t hate you.”

“Okay,” Ellen said as she issued a relieved sigh and nodded. “Oddly, that was the impression I got, watching her through the window. She didn’t scare me off. She just looks normal, happy, and like a regular mum who is safe and she’s got friends and that’s always been my main concern, for all of you.”

“Ditto,” Peter said, staring directly at her. “Do you want to see her?”

“Maybe,” Ellen said. “Not today, but maybe once I’ve recovered from today-”

“She won’t be able to keep her big mouth shut,” Peter cautioned. “She’ll be all over Tony and Angie.”

“I remember Danni,” Ellen said on a laugh. “I know. That’s why I said ‘not today’. Oh God, I’d need to tell them about Oscar too. Oh my God.” She doubled over on the couch and put her head between her knees.

“Deep breaths,” Peter said gently as he laid a hand on her back. “I was sitting at the beach chatting away to Danni and thinking in the back of my mind, do we have to tell them? Does it actually change anything?”

“What?” Ellen asked as she sat up and stared at him in shock. 

“It doesn’t change the fact that he’s gone and not coming back,” Peter said carefully. “I know it would mean lying-”

“Withholding, Peter,” Ellen said softly. “You and I would be withholding something that they would both think that they are entitled to know. I always believed that you all were entitled to know, which is why I could never tell you. Just this morning you stood in the kitchen and said that you didn’t know how to face Angie at work with her not knowing the truth about what happened to Oscar, and now-”

“Oh, I did, that’s right,” Peter said on a sigh. He shut his eyes briefly. “Sorry. In a matter of hours I’ve completely changed my perception of the whole situation, but if Angie started talking about the hospital… I guess I do still feel that way. It would be hard to look into her eyes. I was just sitting on the beach with Danni and the kids and it was so…normal, like you said, and happy. I don’t want to ruin that.”

“I don’t either,” Ellen assured him. She bit her bottom lip. “Do you think telling them all would ruin it? What should we do? What would you like to do?”

“Well retirement is sounding pretty good about now!” Peter said on a laugh.

Ellen rolled her eyes. 

“You don’t need retirement,” she said. “It barely sounds like you’ve been at work in the past month, you old bludger.” 

“I had this great idea,” Peter explained. “To actually take the leave that was owing to me as I earned it, rather than trying to save it up in chunks. I get more time with my friends and to chill out, and the boss doesn’t care because he thinks I am a bludger. He almost looks disappointed when I do show up for work…Cheers!”

“Peter, you’ve got twenty-five years of service under your belt.”

“I know. That’s a lot of leave stored up for this old Senior Connie.”

“You’re not a slacker!” she insisted. “You never were.”

“I know that,” Peter said more seriously. “I guess it’s lost its shine in the past two years though. Danni’s not the only one who has thought about leaving. The problem was, she did leave, and I still had Angie. We made a pact to stick together and that was my top priority, but I’m not sure that’s my top priority anymore at all.”

“Oh,” Ellen said softly, finally understanding. “And now you feel bound to it? Are you sure it’s not just because all of this is happening very quickly and you haven’t had a chance to process or even to really spend any time with Ange?”

“I’ve felt it for awhile, but I don’t know if I can leave her in the job on her own yet. Some days she’s fantastic, others not so much. How do I tell her?”

“Peter, are you serious? I thought you were joking about the retirement part.”

“I know,” he said with a smirk. “Look, I don’t mind the job. I can do it. I orchestrated a huge cocaine bust a couple of months ago and it went off without a hitch. I made Drug Squad look like fucking champions, and I earned back a bit of respect I might have lost along the way. It’s just that lately I’m much happier when I’m not at work. All the good things going on in my life aren’t at work. That’s never been the case before, since I guess all my mates always worked with me, and now they don’t. Only Ange is left, and we have each other’s backs and muck around and stuff, but it’s not like it was. Angie has passed her Senior Constable exams-”

“I heard that, on the phone!”

“She actually wants to keep moving up the ladder. She hasn’t told me outright, just like I haven’t said much to her about possibly stepping back, but I can tell by the way she studied for those exams and the way she talks about the job. She has manuals and books at home, she’s always on time, she always does her work to a really high standard…It’s like she’s turning into a proper police officer, when I never saw either of us that way before, not in the factory. I’m like the kid in the back of the class making paper planes and cruising through the pop quiz, and she’s up the front with her head down scribbling all over the page with a pencil. I always wondered what the Hell those kids were writing in exams. What more was there to write about?”

“Angie’s making plans for the future and she matured, that’s not a bad thing,” Ellen said. “We’re all doing that, or trying to.”

“I haven’t been,” Peter said honestly as he looked at her. “I really haven’t. I was caught off guard by how much I actually missed you, Ellen; it really came as a shock. I had to work that out, and I haven’t been able to deal with it or concentrate on moving anywhere. It took months and months of pushing from Angie to get me to sell my house, and sometimes I’ve wondered why she bothers. I mean, why would that girl at the front of the class ever wanna be friends with the dickhead up the back?”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, Peter,” Ellen said with a gentle smile. “You’re only a dickhead for show and you know it. You’re also smarter than you admit; I know you know that. Angie, all of us, we’re lucky to have you as our friend.”

“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “I’d really like it to stay that way too.”

“Why wouldn’t it?” Ellen asked. “Are you afraid I’ll leave suddenly again, if we tell them about Oscar and it goes badly? I won’t leave after all this. Me being here, this doesn’t even feel spontaneous to me. It feels normal, and good. I can’t speak for Angie anymore but you certainly won’t ever lose my friendship.”

“I know that,” he said with a kind smile as he squeezed her hand. “I’m not scared you’ll leave again. That was an extraordinary set of circumstances and you lost some faith and had a little breakdown. Been there, done that.”

“It surprised me how much I came to miss you as well,” she said softly. “After about six months with Gene, I started to feel like I was cheating…it was so wrong.”

“Now who is being too hard on herself?” Peter asked, lightly teasing. “Okay, do you want to know the truth about work? I actually wouldn’t mind your advice-”

“Oh, like old times? We’re even on the work couch. Go ahead, Church.”

“Very funny,” he said. He rolled his eyes but chuckled and squeezed her hand. “So you said that I didn’t need retirement, just now. I want to tell you something I’ve figured out about myself recently, and see if you still think that, as my former boss.”

“Okay,” Ellen said cautiously. “What is it?”

“Firstly, the obvious. This is my eighteenth year in Covert Ops.”

“I’m aware of that,” she said. “It’s a long time, you’re a good police officer.”

“Yeah, but I’ve gotten pretty blasé about work. I’m not sure that’s a very good thing for an undercover cop, even a good one. It’s like, ‘Oh, you want me to go bust those guys? Yeah okay, whatever, I can do that with my hands tied behind my back, see you on the big day, suckers!’ and off I go and I do it. I feel uneasy about that.”

“I feel uneasy just listening to you say it,” Ellen said with wide eyes. “Peter!”

“And before you lecture me, no, I haven’t talked about this with Angie, and no, I haven’t talked about this with the boss. I have talked about this with Danni. She thinks I should use all my long service leave and take a proper break…but I think she just wants someone to hang out with her during the day with the twins more often!”

“No, I think she’s being serious,” Ellen said. She gripped Peter’s hand. “You know you can’t be apathetic on the job. How long have you felt like this?”

“Just the last couple of years,” he said on a sigh. “I thought it was a phase and I’d get my drive back when we got over Oscar’s death and you and Dan leaving.”

“And you put up with it because you didn’t really care if you got killed?”

“I guess,” Peter said. He bit his bottom lip and looked over at her. “But in the last month or so, since Danni, and now you…I want to be in your lives. I don’t want to be that cocky, gun-ho undercover cop who makes a stupid mistake and dies because he thought he was a pro at the game. The game is changing, especially with all this new technology. I don’t understand it, it’s not my world, I’m not sure my heart is in it. So, if you were still my boss and I told you about this, what would you say?”

“Oh Pete,” Ellen said quietly as she met his eyes and reached up with her left hand to stroke along his jaw. “I’d order you to take your long service leave and think about your future. I’d tell you what an amazing contribution you’ve made to the force in the last twenty-five years, eighteen as an undercover operative, which is phenomenal, but it sounds like now it’s time to step back. Danni is right, and if you hadn’t found me in the factory the other night, I hope you would have listened to her.”

“Shit,” he mumbled. “Angie doesn’t know. She’ll think I’m abandoning her.”

“That’s not what she’ll think at all, sweetheart,” Ellen assured him. His face had flushed and his shoulders had sagged; she hugged him tightly and whispered, “I don’t know if anyone has told you this yet, so I will, because I respect you and I love you. You’ve done enough, Peter. You don’t need to do this to yourself anymore.” 

*


	24. Chapter 24

TWENTY-FOUR

Ellen lay in bed and stared at the ceiling as she listened to Peter breathing beside her. He had fallen asleep on his side with his face pressed against her left shoulder, and his deep, even breath scattered down her pins-and-needles arm and across her chest. His own left arm was wrapped around her, and Ellen softly stroked across the top of his hand that rested loosely on her flat abdomen.

He was exhausted, they both were. She had gotten her big secret off her chest that morning, and he had just told her one of his own. It was life-changing stuff, they’d had a dramatic, emotional day with a bit of unpacking in between, and Ellen was simply happy to be there. Knowing Peter as well as she did, he probably would have just kept on doing his job until he did end up seriously injured or dead. 

She absolutely would not let that happen, and she hoped that she had made it clear without being pushy. She didn’t want it to seem like she had waltzed back into his life and taken over, because that was actually not what had happened at all. 

Peter knew her better than anyone, Ellen was elated that he still trusted her well enough to ask her opinion, and she was damned sure that he had known exactly what her response was going to be before the words were even out of his mouth. 

An hour ago, he had wanted her to tell him to stop. An hour ago, he had let her know that he had been waiting two years for her to come back and tell him to stop. 

I’m here, she tried to tell him as she rubbed his hand. 

It felt strange to lie in bed with him fully clothed, to be that close to another person again after such a long time of not being in that position. That was not the sort of relationship she and Peter had ever engaged in; clothes never belonged on the bed! Yet at the same time it was just as she’d told him; it also felt normal. It also felt right. 

They had both fallen asleep that morning after she had told him about Oscar, but she wasn’t that tired anymore. Peter had a lot more to process and to think about than she did. He was probably still trying to get his head around the fact that she was back, that she was in his bed, that she was all right and that she loved him. It seemed as though he hadn’t slept a solid night through for two years. Then there was Oscar, and Peter’s worries about his job and his future – a question of identity – and on top of that there were clearly concerns around Danni and Angie, and how much to tell them about the past and about this future they seemed to have silently agreed upon.

Peter had spoken to Danni about work, but not Angie. Angie probably believed that he was simply slacking off whenever he felt like it and was being the same old, muck-around Church. If Ellen hadn’t heard the admission from Peter’s own mouth she probably would have assumed the same thing, to be honest. 

She was still trying to get her head around the subtleties of the personalities that had evolved in this little family, as Peter had called it. The truth was that she wasn’t the same person she had been when she had left, she would not be the Mac that they remembered, and they had all changed as well. Danni had made huge changes in her life, and Angie was trying to look after what was left of Oscar’s family and to figure out what she wanted for her future as well. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. 

Ellen was nervous about re-entering that sphere. She did not want to upset Angie any further, she did not want to derail Danni’s obvious delight at having her old friends around her, and she did not want Peter to come to resent her for any changes he might make in his life partly because she was now in it, again. She sighed heavily and the man beside her stirred and opened his eyes. 

“Oh hi,” he said as he broke into a smile and returned his head to his pillow. The hand on her abdomen slid to her nearest hipbone and squeezed. “I guess I fell asleep and took you hostage.”

“It’s only been an hour,” Ellen assured him. “I’ve just been thinking. I might get a haircut. I’ve barely had a haircut in two years; it was really short when I left and I just let it grow. It feels kind of heavy and old. I could go back to a longish bob.”

“Deep,” he told her. A playful smirk crossed his lips.

“I think we’ve had quite enough of deep for the day, don’t you?” Ellen quipped with a raised brow. 

“Oh, Hell yes,” Peter said. He groaned and rolled onto his back, rubbing his tired face with his hands. “Was I lying on your bad arm just now?” he asked.

“Just against it, which is fine,” she said. “I promise you won’t break it again, you’re not Robocop. I would have woken you up if it was a problem.”

“Oh good,” he said. “I’m definitely not Robocop, by the way. I don’t know what I am.”

“I have an idea,” Ellen said. She rolled onto her left shoulder and reached out to tap his stomach with the gentle fist that resulted from her outstretched arm. “When I was unpacking earlier today, I saw that you had the first few Terminator movies. I vote we walk to the shops, get some popcorn or nacho chips or whatever, and just sit down and watch movies while we appreciate the living room we put together today. We’ve never just watched a movie together like that, and as long as we don’t get into debates about the plausibility of time travel then it’s definitely not deep.”

“I knew I liked you for a reason,” Peter said with a grin. He chuckled and grabbed her hand. “Brilliant idea. I didn’t even know you liked movies.”

Ellen rolled her eyes as he laughed. 

“Of course I like them. Do you think I ever had time to watch one though? Looking after you lot until all hours of the night six or seven days a week? Noooo.”

“Okay, okay, point made,” he said, laughing more loudly. “We’ll go for a walk to the shops before they close. Also, this is yuppie central so there are a few hairdressers you can check out if you’re serious about getting a hair cut.”

“Great. You should message Angie and let her know your sister is all right. I heard you and Danni as you walked into this house earlier. Angina. Honestly!”

“Really? I thought it sounded so believable. Deb is older than me, too!”

“It is believable, Pete-”

“I thought of it off the top of my head after being traumatised by your whole story about Oscar, too. That’s talent and composure, for ya.”

“Congratulations,” Ellen told him with a dim grimace, though her blue eyes sparkled with mirth. Peter chuckled and nodded. 

“Right,” he said. He got off the bed and put his hands on his hips. “Let’s do this. For the rest of the day, we’re just going to be totally normal, and we’re going to sit down and watch Arnold Schwarzenegger blast the crap out of lots of stuff.”

“With popcorn.”

“Damn straight. Let’s walk, and I’ll plug in the microwave when we’re back.”  
Ellen grinned and clambered out of his bed for herself. 

*

“Hey,” Danni said in greeting when she opened her front door late that night to Angie. “I got your message, come in. What’s up?”

“I’m sorry it’s so late,” Angie said in a whisper as she stepped inside. It was just past ten o’clock, and the normally very lively house was almost eerily quiet, but Danni waved off her concerns and ushered her over the threshold and then into the kitchen. Angie slid onto a stool.

“Don’t be silly. I was just getting ready for bed when you messaged, and it’s no bother to me to stay up another hour or two. I have twins; eight hours of uninterrupted sleep is like crimping my hair. It’s something I did a long time ago and sometimes I think back and decide that it would be cool to try it again. I don’t know if I ever will, but the intentions are good.”

Angie chuckled and Danni fetched two large glasses of water from the tap. She handed one to Angie and took a seat on the stool beside her.

“So how was work?” she asked. “Did the job go well?”

“No real dramas,” Angie answered. “I was just there pretending to be a disinterested bystander. That’s about all I can tell you.”

“Of course,” Danni said with a knowing smirk. “Did you get my message?”

“Yes, and I had one there from Pete as well. Apparently his sister needs some more tests but will probably be fine. Just another reminder how old we’re getting.”

“I think you’ve got awhile before you get to Peter’s sister’s age. Isn’t she way older than him?”

“About five years I think?” Angie suggested. She shrugged. 

“Oh, so just another fifteen years to go for you then,” Danni said with a soft laugh. “Did you just not feel like going straight home?”

“Yeah, not really,” Angie said on a sigh. “It was strange not having Church there today.”

“You said Pete’s always with you at a major deal and vice versa. Does today count as one of those?”

“Not really,” Angie said. She crinkled her nose thoughtfully and glanced at Danni in earnest. “I wasn’t playing a major role, but he was still meant to be on surveillance and not having him there tonight felt very odd.”

“Were you worried by it? Like, did you feel more exposed?”

“A little, I guess. Do you think that means I’m too dependent on him?”

“No. I think it just means that you trust him more than anyone else that you’re working with, even if rationally you know they’re all good guys. If anything, Pete’s been more dependent on you lately, right? Calling you at night, the nightmares, all the talks you have about Mac that you really would prefer not to be involved in?”

“I guess,” Angie said softly. “I guess we’re super-dependent on each other.”

“Do you want that to change?” Danni asked.

“Honestly, not really,” Angie said. She bit her bottom lip. “I know I get stroppy with him when he goes on about missing Mac and all his conspiracy theories about how we ‘missed something important’ that might explain why she left, but I like where we are now. It feels really strange when he’s not around.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Danni asked softly, her voice hopeful even though she really was not sure how Angie would react.

“Sure.”

“Well Tony was asking me the other day if Pete had dated in the last few years? I haven’t spoken to Pete about it…do you know?”

“Ha, yeah,” Angie said. She scoffed and smirked in Danni’s direction. “As if, is my answer. I’m not sure he’s dated anyone since you, at least not seriously. He definitely hasn’t dated anyone or had sex with anyone at all since Oscar died.”

“Do you think it bothers him?” Danni asked.

“He hasn’t mentioned it. When I talk about wanting kids, he never says anything about wanting them himself. He’s never suggested we go for drinks so maybe he can look around, and he doesn’t hit on any of the women at work, though I’m pretty sure a few of them give him a second look at least. He just doesn’t see it. He is way too focused on Oscar and Mac still.”

“Would you date anyone?”

“Are you offering to set me up?” Angie asked. 

Danni laughed, since that was pretty much exactly what Peter had asked too.

“No, I’m just curious,” she said. “I assume it’s going to be an issue at some stage. I mean, even if you’re not ready-”

“I don’t know what I am,” Angie said as she dropped her head to the kitchen bench with a gentle thud. Danni chuckled and patted her back. 

“But Pete’s a guy, you know?” she said to Angie. “And he likes sex.”

“You’d know,” Angie said, snorting into the bench. Danni rolled her eyes as Angie looked over at her and giggled. “Sorry,” she added. “Tony’s asleep, right?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry, his ego is fine, he likes sex too.”

“So was he just checking that Pete wasn’t getting any then?” Angie asked.

Danni laughed and shook her head.

“No, they’ve got a whole ‘mates’ thing going on at the moment. I think he was just curious, but it’s still a new friendship and he wasn’t sure if he could actually ask Church for himself. So it’s not a touchy subject for him?”

“I don’t think so?” Angie asked. She shrugged. “I’ve actually never spoken to him about it, Danni. I assume that if he needs, uh, relief, then he just takes care of it himself, like most other single people all over the world.”

“What if he did start seeing someone though?” Danni asked as she made a wary, awkward face. “Would that be weird? What do you think she would be like?”

“I would piss myself laughing if she looked like you or Mac,” Angie said.

Danni shoved her playfully as Angie giggled into her glass of water.

“Look,” Angie said once she had composed herself and taken a long drink. “I don’t know what Alice looked like because I’ve never seen a photo, but I know she was blonde, and Mac was a total anomaly in that regard…as far as I know he’s only ever dated blondes. There was Alice, and Christina had that golden-syrup blonde hair, lighter than yours but not quite blonde either. Then there was that nurse he was seeing, Collette, she was blonde too, I’m almost certain of it. And even you were blonde back then, you had the full head of highlights going on. Mac was…I don’t know what Mac was.”

“She definitely wasn’t blonde,” Danni said. 

“I know,” Angie said with wide eyes. “It’s so strange that he’s fixated on her. It’s like he’s built up this whole fantasy around being in love with her, even though he had all that time and did nothing, and by his own admission it was just casual sex to begin with. Plus, she was always really thin.”

“Not that thin!”

“Not like anorexic thin, no, but she’s tall and slender...flat-chested. I don’t know about the nurse, but I remember Christina Rossi had a huge rack-”

“Angie!” Danni said on a laugh. “A rack? You’re spending too much time with coppers.”

“Well she did,” Angie said. “She had no problem showing it off too. Oscar and I spent most of our time on surveillance on that job, we got a good look, and we also got to listen to them doing it in her boat. Yuck! Anyway, she had very prominent breasts, as do you, my friend. However, Mac was far too lean and athletic and I’m pretty sure she was even smaller than me, like an A. You and Christina…ha-ha.”

“Okay, okay, you’ve made your point,” Danni said. She chuckled and rolled her eyes. “So we’ve established that there was a break in the time-space continuum when Church and Mac hopped into bed together, but what actually happens if one day he introduces us to some woman? What if she’s really young? Or what if she’s older? Mid-forties, you know? Maybe fifty? He’s forty-four, he could go either way.”

“Oh, I didn’t think of that. What if she’s divorced with kids or something?” Angie asked softly as her blue eyes went wide. “That would be so weird.”

“More importantly,” Danni said. “What if she doesn’t like us?”

“If she can’t get on with us, Pete will drop her,” Angie said quickly.

“Are you sure?” Danni asked. “He was going to run away with that Christina woman, wasn’t he? He was going to leave you all?”

“She was part of a mob family and he was a cop. That was the only option. We never actually met her, you know? Maybe in another life we would have gotten along. But if he starts dating a woman who is a real bitch to us, who doesn’t understand or fit into the friendship, then she’s not right for him. He’ll know it, too.”

“Mm, I guess,” Danni said thoughtfully. 

“What about me?” Angie asked. “What if I bring a guy home?”

“Oh, you can!” Danni assured her with a happy grin. “In fact, we’re going to have our wedding at City Hall sooner rather than later. Feel free to bring someone.”

“They’re not exactly lining up,” Angie pointed out to her friend with a laugh. “I don’t have anyone in mind either. Can I ask you a favour though?”

“Sure.”

“If one day I do start seeing someone…if there are parts of him that remind you of Oscar, could you not make fun of me for it? Please?”

“Oh Ange, of course I won’t!” Danni said. She wrapped her arm around Angie’s back and offered a one-sided hug. “Now, how do you feel about journalists?” 

“Danni-”

“Tony has some nice friends!”

“Will they be at the wedding?”

“No, family and very close friends only. However, we want the reception at Tony’s parents’ place, he’s going to call them tomorrow, and if we can do that, then everyone is welcome!”

“Because you’re not paying for it?”

“We’d pay for all the food,” Danni said. “But it’s food from the grocery store that is cooked on-site by the family. That’s different to forking out at a restaurant, per head, with the prices jacked up thirty percent just because it’s a wedding.”

“True,” Angie said. “Okay well if some of Tony’s single friends are at the reception, then you can introduce us.”

“What are you going to say that you do for a living?”

“Um…I’ll say that I’m a cop,” Angie said. “There’s no point lying about that. Don’t get your hopes up, okay? But…meeting some new people isn’t the worst idea.”

“Great,” Danni said with a wide grin.

“Did you tell Pete that he could bring someone too?”

“I did. He laughed at me and told me he wasn’t in the right place to be dating.”

“Told you,” Angie sang softly. 

Danni smirked and shrugged. She still thought something was going on. 

“Do you think he would even tell us?” she asked Angie cautiously. 

“Huh?”

“If he met someone, do you think he would even tell us? Would he wait until he knew it was serious? I mean, it would have to be nerve-wracking for the woman, and I was talking to him; he said he wouldn’t be willing to tell a girlfriend the ‘full story’ about us all until he knew ‘for sure’ that things were going to work out. I totally understand that, I had to make that same decision with Tony as well, but do you think that means we wouldn’t actually find out about a potential girlfriend until it got to that stage? Pete could be seeing her for ages, and then one day he’ll just be like, surprise!’ That’s what I was going to do to you all, with Tony. He was fully prepped.”

“Ooh…I don’t know,” Angie said seriously as she thought. “Church could definitely tell us about a woman before he told her about us, that would be fine.”

“But would he?” Danni asked. 

Angie glanced at her with wide eyes and shrugged. She just didn’t know.

“Time will tell I guess?” she suggested. “One day, maybe we’ll find out.”

*


	25. Chapter 25

TWENTY-FIVE

Angie frowned curiously as she opened her front door the next morning to Peter. She was not expected at the office until later because of the late night’s work, so it was a respectable nine-thirty in the morning, but she didn’t remember his offer of a lift and he was still two hours early for that. 

“Hi there!” she said with a happy smile nonetheless. “Come on in.”

“I came to see your Oscar wall,” Peter said with a grin. Angie gestured straight down the hallway and for Peter to walk ahead of her. She followed quickly behind him, still in her flannel pyjamas. She tried to comb her fingers through her tussled hair. “Did I get you out of bed?” Peter asked, even though he wasn’t watching her; it was like he could see exactly what she was doing with the eyes he had hidden in the back of his head. 

Or maybe he had just paid attention when she opened the door, she reasoned.

“No, I was up. I was just making breakfast and wondering if I needed to do anything today before work, since we have some time.” 

“Eh, sit around in your jammies and take it easy if you ask me,” Peter said. 

Angie chuckled and stood beside him in front of her collage of ten photos. They were all of Oscar as a boy and a young man, and Angie smiled widely as she explained them all. 

“This is one of my favourites,” she said of the one in the centre. “That’s Oscar – or Cameron, I should say – dressed up as the police officer with his two brothers lassoed pretending to be the robbers he caught.”

“Cute,” Peter said with a laugh. 

Angie nodded and looked into the proud, sparkling eyes of a much younger Oscar Stone, still standing as proudly in the photograph as he had been when Angie had first seen it in the Pierce family photo album. 

“There are two more,” she explained. “Taken when I was up on the farm visiting as Michelle. They’re in my room in their own frames.”

“Good idea,” Peter said. “Because these are all of when he was a little kid up until a teenager, and then there’s this big gap. It wouldn’t sit right. Like, they wouldn’t fit the brief.”

Angie laughed at him and elbowed him playfully.

“Look at you, Mr Art Critic.”

“I know things!” he said, laughing as he defended itself. “Anyway, I came to see if you wanted to go to breakfast or morning tea or whatever you’re up to in your day, because I want to talk to you about something important before work.”

“Sure,” Angie said. “You’re not running off with an art thief too, are you?” she asked. She cackled happily. “Oh, what are the odds of that? I’m so funny sometimes.”

“I take it the job last night went well,” Peter said with a smirk, apparently content to let the subtle jibe at Ellen pass, as he almost always did. Angie was grateful for that. Half the time she didn’t plan to say things like that, they just popped out and she did feel bad upon reflection, but she was glad that Peter never used her own beliefs as an opportunity to pick fights. They could agree to disagree very happily.

“It was fine,” she assured him with a calmer smile. “And considering I didn’t actually get around to eating the muesli I’d just finished making when you arrived on my doorstep, bacon and eggs would be nice. Your shout?”

“Of course,” Peter said. “Did you get my message about Deb?”

“Yeah, I’m glad she’s okay,” Angie said with a smile. “Here, you meditate on the Oscar wall and make yourself at home, and I’ll go and quickly get changed. Do you think the boss will care if I arrive at work looking like a dag?”

“Plain clothes has to have some benefits,” he said. “Wear whatever. Actually, wear a slutty mini-skirt, he will love it!”

“Oh shh, I already had Danni in my ear about dating, not you too!”

“Hang on,” Peter said, stopping her before she got too far down the hall. She turned back to look at him and he asked, “Danni was asking you about dating? She asked me that too, yesterday!”

“Same,” Angie said. They stared at each other with open mouths and wide eyes. “Oh no,” Angie whispered. “She’s formulating some kind of blind-double-date, isn’t she? Dear God!”

“Don’t worry, I told her no,” Peter said. 

“That’s what I said as well, but since when does Danni take no as an answer?”

“Well this is pretty personal stuff we’re talking about,” he reasoned. “Dating, I mean, I don’t even talk to you about my ex-girlfriends. She wouldn’t!”

“Mm…I’m not convinced. I’m getting dressed. Be right out.”

Angie hurried into her room and shut the door. She picked her jeans off the floor and found a fresh t-shirt and wool sweater in her chest of drawers. She paused only to smile at the two photos of Oscar that were resting along the top. It had not felt exactly right to have the photos of the two of them directly beside her bed, but she liked that she could see them from the bed if she wanted. 

She loved Oscar, but she really did not want to be one of those people consumed by grief who couldn’t also accept reality and move forward. He was dead. She hated that he was dead. She hated how much it hurt. However, that was her life. Maybe it would hurt for the rest of her life. She still wanted to sleep, and have pleasant dreams, and she did want a family; that wasn’t going to happen with photographs of her with a man she might have loved on her bedside table.

That was what bugged her about Peter, to be honest, the unwillingness to even conceive of a future without Mac, but then again he had told her that ‘it clicked’. He also seemed to be in a good mood for the second morning in a row, and she could not remember the last time he surprised her with an offer to take her to breakfast. 

All positive signs, she assured herself with a smile. She pressed a kiss to her lips and touched it to the picture of herself and Oscar smiling back at her. 

*

An hour later, Angie found herself staring at Peter in shock. 

“You want to do what?” she asked, just in case she hadn’t heard correctly the first time. He had blurted it out over post-breakfast lattes, after all; her coffee hadn’t had time to do its job yet.

Peter sat opposite her and watched her seriously as he finished the last crust from his thickly sliced toast.

“I’m going to take my long service leave,” he repeated.

“How much do you have?” she asked with wide blue eyes. 

She could not believe that just hours ago she had been talking to Danni about how unusual it felt not to have Peter at work with her, and it sounded as though she would need to get used to that pretty quickly. He did not look uncertain. She could not see the sadness or hesitation in his crystal-clear eyes that she had come to expect when he asked her opinion. He wasn’t asking her opinion this time, he was telling her. 

“When are you going to take it?” she asked. “How much of it will you take?”

“I’m not sure exactly how much I have,” he said. “But I’ve been in the force for twenty-five years if you include the academy, and I’ve never taken long service before, so my guess is about seven months. I always thought it was three months for each ten years’ worth of service.”

“I think that’s right,” she said. “So potentially up to eight months.”

“Paid, yeah.”

“Would you take it all at once?” Angie asked. Her voice was soft and she felt her cheeks flush. Eight months. Where was this coming from? He hadn’t said anything to her about taking any leave, not even a week of recreational leave, of which he probably had several months owing as well.

“Uh, not sure yet,” he said. “Probably, yeah.”

“But…okay, um, when?”

“Well I was thinking this week, Angie,” Peter said. He finished his coffee and pursed his lips thoughtfully. “I need to talk to the boss this morning.”

“Do you really think he’s going to let you take long service leave without any notice?” Angie asked. “What are you going to do? Where will you go?”

“Nowhere,” Peter assured her with a soft chuckle. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be hanging around like always. We’ll go to kickboxing and there’s Danni’s wedding to get to, and maybe the odd barbeque or visit to the beach. I’m just taking a holiday.”

“For eight months,” Angie said. “Peter, you’re forty-four years old.”

“Thanks for the reminder,” he said with a wry smirk.

“No, I just mean…Um, maybe you want to save some of it? Forced retirement is still sixty, so most people take a lot of their long service leave towards the end as kind of a transition into retirement.”

“Yeah, I’d rather not transition,” Peter said. 

Angie stared at him. Her heart was beating rapidly in her chest and for a long time she sat there and tried to work out what to say next. The best she could manage was a stuttered, “You wouldn’t?”

“I’m more of a cold turkey fella,” he said with a small smile and a hopeful shrug. “I think it’s time.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just not sure I understand,” Angie said. “Do you mean that you’re going to go into work today and resign?”

“No, I’m going to tell the boss that I need to take long service leave…and then I might let him know there’s not much of a chance of me coming back. He’d figure that out on his own, of course, because like you said, I’m forty-four.”

“But that’s still young, Peter,” Angie said, imploring him with her eyes as she leant across the table. “You’re not an old man.”

“Compared to the young guys, yeah I am, Angie,” he said. “When I joined the force you were a little girl, just eight years old. Eight! And I’ve been in undercover for eighteen years; did you know that? You’ve been there about eight. I was there for ten years before you. Do you want to be in undercover for ten more years?”

“Well no,” she said honestly. “I’ve been thinking about Homicide or Drug Squad eventually, maybe in a couple of years…and maybe in a couple of years I could try for Detective.”

“Of course you could,” Peter assured her with a knowing smile. “You should.”

Angie was not sure if she had expected him to be surprised by her announcement, but he didn’t look it. Had he figured it out on his own? If Peter had managed that, then how come she felt so totally blindsided by his own announcement? Maybe it was the extra ten years in undercover. Maybe he was just that intuitive and she hadn’t been giving him enough credit. 

He was also letting her know that she hadn’t actually been paying very much attention to him. Surely he could not have come to this decision overnight?

“Are you feeling okay?” she asked.

Peter sat back in his chair and laughed loudly. 

“No, not like ‘are you crazy?’” she insisted with a chuckle. “I just mean…what’s brought this on? I know I’ve been pushing you to always be okay; maybe I shouldn’t have been doing that. Are you actually, truly okay, Peter?”

Peter calmed down and reached across the table to cover her hands with his. He smiled genuinely and looked her in the eyes.

“Yes,” he said. “I’m truly okay. I feel so much better now that I’ve moved house and I’ve made some decisions about how to be okay, and how to move on, like you’re always telling me to do. I don’t mind at all that you’ve been pushing; I’ve needed it. I’m grateful for it. But I’ve also been burning out for two years and trying to hold it together, because doing the job was the only constant and it gave me something to get out of bed for every day. I don’t think I need it anymore, and I’m not sure you need me there with you anymore either.”

“Peter-” She felt her eyes well with tears but he shook his head to silence her.

“You’re amazing in the job at the moment Angie,” he said. “You’re at your peak there and you’re thriving and making plans for Detective and Homicide or whatever. Wherever you want to go, they would be fools to not accept you. Me, well once I got out of uniform I found someplace I liked and I stayed there. I even loved it. I loved undercover. I loved the factory. I loved my life there, with all of you guys. We didn’t have the fanciest computers and we were sheltered or perhaps shunned, and that was where I had my peak, that’s where I thrived. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“You tell me this while we’re out at breakfast?” she asked. 

“Where else was I gonna tell you?”

“At home, so I can cry and not make a fool of myself!” she said in a huff as she quickly wiped her eyes. “Pete, I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me? Two years? The whole two years you knew that you didn’t want to be there anymore?”

“Well no, it wasn’t like that. I knew I still needed to be there, it definitely kept me sane, but you have to have noticed that I’ve pretty much stopped caring, Angie.”

“Well yeah, but-”

“You just thought that was me being my confident larrikin self, I get it. That’s what I wanted you and everyone else to think, because I was afraid you would question my ability to do my job and like I said, it was the only thing getting me out of bed on the bad days. I didn’t want it taken away from me. I’m at a place now, though, where I can voluntarily hand it in. I’ll turn in my badge.”

“What will you do?” Angie asked. “I know you made a lot of money on your house, and if you invest it really well then maybe you can live off it for a really long time, but does that mean you’ll do nothing? Will you really spend every day fishing off the pier?”

“I’ll get some kind of job,” Peter said. “I haven’t decided, and like you said I’ve got some time because of the money from the house, but I want to make sure I have enough money for the future too and I’m still renting for the year. We’ll see.”

“You wouldn’t just transfer out of undercover?” Angie asked in a soft voice. “You could go to Missing Persons like Danni, or to a suburban station?”

“Getting into the middle of domestics and driving out to traffic accidents?” he asked. “I didn’t like doing that stuff when I was a junior constable twenty-odd years ago. I’m too old to cruise around in the patrol car and walk a city beat on a Saturday night, Angie. I want…I want a good life. I want some peace. I don’t want to care so little about the job I’m doing that I put myself or you or anyone else in danger.”

“Is that what you think will happen?” she asked. 

“Yeah,” he said seriously. “Yeah that worry has been on my mind for awhile, but I know we made a pact to stick together and I had a lot of other stuff to sort out, stuff that took priority in a sad kind of way-”

“What about Mac?” Angie asked warily. Peter raised his eyebrows.

“What about her?”

“Well…has she factored into this decision at all?”

“Yes and no,” Peter said as he chuckled. “Look, if I’d gone to Mac and told her how I’m feeling, what do you think she would have said?”

“Um…I guess maybe that you need some time off, but Peter, that means taking a couple of weeks of recreation leave, not retiring! Does Danni know?”

“No,” he said. “I’ve told her that it worries me how little I care about the job and how little preparation I do even for big jobs that I used to put a lot more work into, and she actually told me that I should take the leave, but I laughed it off…I shouldn’t have done that. To be honest, I’d forgotten about long service leave being an option until she said it a few weeks back now? It’s been on my mind since then, and with moving houses and working through some issues…it’s time for a fresh start. I’d rather retire with twenty-five years of excellent service, than be forced out by injury or for mental health reasons, or worse, be carried out in a coffin.”

“Okay,” Angie said on a choked whisper. She wiped fresh tears from her eyes before they had a chance to fall. “You’ve really thought about this.”

“I have,” he said. “I know it seems sudden. It feels like a quick decision to me, but I also know that what I’ve found is fast clarity on a slow-burning issue. It feels right. I wanted to tell you separately because you’re my unofficial police partner, but I still want to see and hear from you all the time. You cannot get rid of me so quick!”

“Do you think the boss will go for it?” Angie asked.

“Once I tell him that I’m afraid I’m putting people he actually cares about at risk, yeah, he’ll go for it.”

“Will you have to see the police shrink?”

“Not if I just take my long service leave,” he said with a shrug. He looked at her with earnest blue eyes and asked, “Will you be okay?”

“Peter…it felt so strange not to have you at work last night. I’ll be okay but it’s just that it won’t be the same. I was just starting to feel like we were fitting in-”

“You fit in, Ange. I belong to a different era of this sort of stuff. I’m never going to be a guy in a suit over at HQ, and I’m never going to love the job as much as I did…and maybe that does have something to do with Mac, to do with what she created in that factory and where I’m at in my life now. I just can’t move ahead on this with you. I hope…I really hope that it doesn’t affect our friendship.”

“Peter!” Angie said, gushing. She shook her head and took her turn to reach across the table and hold both of his hands tightly in hers. “Never,” she promised him. “If this is something you need to do to feel safe, to be happy – and I have to say you sound and look happier in these last few days than I’ve seen in so long – then I absolutely support you and you’re not going to get rid of me so easily, either!”

“Good,” he said. “Because I still need a chick to kick my ass at boxing!”

“Yeah!” Angie agreed with a laugh. She patted his hands happily and let go. “Wow, so…you’re going to be retired by the end of the day, effectively.”

“That’s the plan,” he said. He bit his bottom lip and allowed her to see how nervous he really was. His blue eyes were briefly covered by a sheen of tears that was quickly hidden, and he shrugged. “I know it’s the right thing to do and I am so happy, Angie, but still…it is one of those big scary steps. The last twenty-five years...”

“Don’t think about that,” she told him. “Think about the next twenty-five.”

Peter broke into a slow but generous smile then, and Angie sighed with a mixture of relief and sadness and anticipation and nervousness on his behalf. This was a huge decision, but the most important thing was that he was making it. She just hoped that it was really the right one.

*


	26. Chapter 26

TWENTY-SIX

Danni picked up the phone and chuckled when she saw who it was.

“This is the Beautiful and All-Knowing Baby Whisperer, how can I help you today?” she asked in a gentle voice as she answered. 

“Did you know Peter Church was about to retire?” Angie asked immediately.

“What?” Danni asked, dropping her masquerade and moving away from the twins’ bedroom. She ended up in her own bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed. “What are you talking about?”

“He just basically retired. I’ve been sitting at my desk waiting for him to come out of the boss’ office; he was in there for ages. Then he came out, and he packed up his desk, and he said goodbye, and then he left, and now I’m standing in the park because I needed some space before I had a very public panic attack! He told me over breakfast and it was fine, I acted fine, but now I am most definitely not fine, Danni.”

“Take a deep breath, Ange. What do you mean he packed up and left?”

“He’s taken long service leave, all of it. He told me he’s not coming back.”

“All of it? I told him that it might be good to take a couple of weeks, he said he was confused and wasn’t sure he was enjoying it anymore, but that was weeks ago and he laughed at me and just said it was because I wanted help with the twins!”

“Well he was covering!” Angie said. “He took you seriously and started thinking about it, and apparently he’s not a ‘just a couple of weeks at a time’ sort of guy considering he’s never taken any long service leave before so now he has seven and a half months, apparently, not to mention ten billion years worth of recreation leave that he’s going to get paid when he turns in his resignation at the end of it.”

“Well-well, Peter Church is cashing in,” Danni said thoughtfully. “Who’d have guessed that? He’s sold the house, that’s in cash now, he’s taking his leave, getting paid out…is he going on a trip?”

“He promised me that he wasn’t,” Angie said. Her voice cracked and Danni sighed; she knew how important it was to Angie that he stuck around. Surely he wouldn’t just leave. “But I don’t know,” Angie continued. “This is weird, Danni.”

“What did he say?”

“Um…basically that he hasn’t loved the job since we were in the factory, so he hasn’t been enjoying it in the last two years, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever love it enough to be able to do it safely ever again, so he’s leaving.”

“Okay,” Danni said on a sigh. “Angie, that’s what he told me a few weeks ago. We were reminiscing about the factory and how it used to be and he was really sad and said it was a struggle every time he went to work now and had to sit in the surveillance van and know that it wasn’t like it used to be. I gently reminded him how risky that could be, I told him maybe he should take some leave, that’s it, I swear, I didn’t know he was going to drop this on you today with no warning. No warning?”

“He told me over breakfast. I should have known something was up. He never comes to take me to breakfast!”

“Ah, buttering you up with bacon. Clever.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Angie said on a heavy sigh. “Danni, he didn’t tell me any of that. Why not? Do you know?”

“Um, I’m not sure Angie. Maybe he feels like he burdens you with a lot of his crap already, you know all the stuff about Mac. He uses you to get all that stuff off his chest all the time, and you had to support him all through the sale of his house, and maybe he was just trying to give you a break?”

“This is so much more serious than selling his stupid house,” Angie said. “This is his whole life, Danni. He’s only forty-four! He’s only halfway through his life. What’s he gonna do?”

“I have no idea,” Danni said. “My guess is that it’ll be something that doesn’t remind him of the factory or of Mac. He just was finding it really hard to focus and to care about doing that job in a new environment, and I mean you guys use all that fancy-ass technology now-”

“He’s not incompetent with it!”

“Yeah but he’s no Oscar, right?” Danni asked seriously. “And I bet the young guys you’re training can run circles around him with the cameras and the surveillance tech, and the criminals are getting more crafty in that sense as well, plus you’re dealing with Ice on the street now which is a whole new shade of crazy. Also, Pete always loved the work for Homicide, the work for Armed Robbery, the organized crime stuff, and those were jobs that Mac brought in because she was really close with all of those guys and she wanted us to be more than just Drug Squad’s minions.”

“He’s actually talked to you about this a lot, hasn’t he,” Angie said softly. 

“It was only one conversation,” Danni assured her. “But it was a long one.”

“God, I must have my head halfway up my ass to have missed this! He’s always going on about Mac and why she left and what went wrong at the factory and I just thought he was grieving over Mac, I never thought he was talking about the job.”

“You said it yourself Angie, he was covering. You have been a Saint where Church is concerned. I have no idea what’s driven him to make this decision so quickly and without talking to us, but obviously something is going on in that man’s head. Maybe he didn’t tell you because he was leaving, you know? Mac left, and I left, and now he’s leaving…maybe he didn’t want you to feel abandoned.”

“But Danni, I would never think that. How Mac left, that’s not the same as this at all! Peter sat me down and explained it like a decent and honest person, and I get it, I do, he’s tired. We’re all tired. But…I’ve worked with him for eight years.”

“And you’ve been joined at the hip for the last two,” Danni said kindly. “Angie, I think he’s telling you he’s ready to stand on his own two feet again.”

“Less than a week ago he rang me telling me that he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how to go on, he didn’t understand why Mac left and he kept asking me whether we missed something. He was so upset that I thought he might hurt himself, and now suddenly he’s moved house, he’s happy all the time, and he’s taken long service leave with the intention of retiring at the end of it…what the fuck happened in the last week, that’s what I want to know? What the fuck, Danni!”

“Prozac?” Danni asked with a laugh. Angie chuckled but Danni knew her heart wasn’t in it. “Okay, maybe it just clicked,” she continued. “With me, I was really unhappy being Rachel again. It irked me when Tony called me Rachel after getting to know me as Danni, and it felt weird being a cop called Rachel. I knew that from the beginning, but I lived with it because I thought that was my life now, and maybe I was just upset about Oscar and the transition, and so things would sort themselves out and I would start to feel more like Rachel again as time passed. I didn’t. Then one day it hit me, why do I have to settle for that? Why does that have to be my life? It’s not who I am. I’m Danni. I got home from the therapist and sat Tony down and told him. He hasn’t called me Rachel since, and he’s even told some of his friends that I’ll be changing my name legally to Danni at the wedding as well – he’s told them it’s a family name – and my immediate family are aware now, and they’re all fine with it. My niece even calls me Danni now. I was worried for nothing. It’s the best feeling, Angie. Maybe that’s what Pete has been going through as well, except that instead of it being about his name, it’s about his job.”

“Did you tell him about the Rachel stuff?” Angie asked.

“Yes,” Danni said. 

“So maybe he listened to that and saw some parallels and made comparisons?”

“It’s likely,” she said. “It sounds pretty similar, don’t you think? We both have PTSD, Ange, and I know it’s different for everyone but we’ve just been trying to cope, and two years is long enough to fake it, don’t you think?”

“What about me?” Angie asked. 

“Honey, you don’t have to make any huge change just because we are. You love your job, you’re committed to it, and you’re still grieving Oscar and that’s fine. Pete’s not grieving Oscar anymore, and maybe he’s starting to watch you come out of that really awful place and you’re starting to talk about wanting babies and getting promoted and he feels like you don’t need him as much as you did; he doesn’t have to stay in a job he doesn’t care about.”

“That makes it sound like my fault though,” Angie said. “Like he only stayed in this job and he put himself and all of us at risk because he thought I needed him.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Ange. I’m sure it’s not that simple. He needed the job too, maybe? I’m just guessing here!”

“Yeah, that’s what he said.” Angie sighed and laughed a little. “I’m sorry Danni, I’m calmer now. I was just freaking out. A part of me didn’t actually believe him at breakfast. I keep waiting for the ha-ha, just kidding moment.”

“Are you stuck there for the afternoon now?”

“Yes.”

“Has Peter gone home?”

“I guess so?” Angie said. “When he was ready to go he just said, ‘See ya later Ange’, as though nothing important happened today. The boss came over and told us all what was going on after he left, and everyone stared at me as though I had a weird secret. But I really need to get back in there because we have heaps to do.”

“Don’t worry Ange,” Danni said. “I won’t let him skip town, okay?”

“He’s cashed out, like you said-”

“He’s not going to leave, not if he made you a promise that he would stay.”

“He didn’t exactly say ‘I promise’, I don’t think? I know I’m such a pain in the ass, this is the second day in a row I’ve asked this of you, no wonder he’s trying to get away from me, but could you please touch base with him again today?”

“Pete’s not trying to get away from you,” Danni said with a laugh. “And now he has nothing better to do than to hang out with me, there is no escape.”

“Don’t let him,” Angie said. 

“If it puts your mind at ease, when I saw him yesterday he was tired but really happy. I guess he’d already made the decision by then, but I’ll talk to him again today and remind him that women tell each other everything! You’ll be okay at work?”

“I’m fine,” she promised on a deep breath. “Yep, I’m fine now.”

“Good,” Danni said gently. “You can do this, Angie. We know you can.”

She hung up the phone after saying goodbye and looked at a photo of herself and Tony that sat on his bedside table. She felt bad about not telling Angie about the possibility of Peter having a secret girlfriend, but she still was not entirely sure it was true, or even if it had anything to do with this sudden decision. Maybe it was time she found out, and then she could make a decision about whether to tell Angie, or whether to force Peter to do it first. 

Leaving the job was fine, Danni understood that and had made a similar decision to transfer and then to take extended maternity leave, but she could not let him walk away from such a lengthy career at a moment’s notice without watching and listening him say it to her face. And if there was a woman involved, then Danni needed to make sure that whoever this person was, that she wasn’t manipulating a kind, loyal man who was still sad and vulnerable and unsure of the future. 

* 

“Hey, look at you!” Peter exclaimed when he got home mid-afternoon to find Ellen sitting on his front stoop, partially hidden by his picket fence and unkempt yard. 

She was holding a mug of tea in one hand, with the tag of the teabag still dangling over the side. As far as he could tell she had just been sitting there barefoot, in jeans and a t-shirt, soaking up a rare afternoon of complete sunshine. Yet Peter’s eye was drawn to her dark, straight hair. It no longer fell inches past her shoulders and was neatly cropped around her jaw and neck. 

“Well hi,” she said with a wide smile. “It’s sunny.”

“Didn’t you get enough of that awful stuff up in North Queensland on your boyfriend’s yacht?” Peter asked, laughing. He carried his small box of personal possessions up the front path and looked down at her. “Nice haircut. I forgot that when you say you’re thinking about doing something, it means you’ve probably already made up your mind and you usually just go right ahead and do it.”

Ellen smirked at him and used her left hand to tuck her hair behind her ears. 

“Well, let’s test that hypothesis,” she said. “I was sitting here thinking that what I would really like to do this afternoon is relax with a nice cup of tea – mission accomplished, by the way – and then I would really love to jump you as soon as you got home. I was still wondering whether or not that would be a sensible decision when you arrived just now…so you tell me, have I made up my mind and am I going to do it?”

“Uh…” Peter hesitated as Ellen smirked. Her blue eyes were glittering with amusement as she watched him blush and try to process. “I wanna say yes and now I’m kind of nervous!” he said, laughing at the semi-determined look in her eyes. 

“I still love you Peter,” she said seriously. 

He softened and his heart thudded painfully against his chest as he nodded. 

“Yeah, me too,” he whispered. “Um…so…you want a hand up or anything?”

“No, I’ll finish my tea first, thank you,” she said simply. “See you inside!”

“Ahuh,” Peter said. He hesitated for half a second, not sure if she was being serious, until he saw her grinning smugly into her mug just before she took a sip. “You’re lucky you’re gorgeous,” he said in a playful huff. He walked past her to get inside, but not before he reached a hand down to ruffle her new hair and give her scalp a quick, affectionate rub. “Come in when you’re ready sweetheart,” he said, still laughing as he opened the unlocked front door. 

Ellen grinned in his direction as she watched him go inside. He even shut the front door on her! She chuckled and turned her attention back to the street and the garden. She counted to ten, glanced at her wrist even though she was not wearing a watch, and decided that she had waited long enough. Standing, she took her tea bag from the mug and tossed the remainder of her tea into a nearby bush. 

Inside, she found Peter leaning against the kitchen bench flipping through a magazine he had obviously brought home from work. 

“How did it go?” she asked him as she put her mug in the sink. 

“Well, Ange took it well this morning once I explained myself. It still came as a shock to her. I went for a bit of a drive after that, just to clear my head and make sure I was all set to talk to the boss and just to…make absolute sure that this wasn’t the same as you going ‘oh fuck it’ and tossing it in-”

“That’s how I felt, but that’s not what I did,” Ellen pointed out seriously.

“Yeah, I know,” he said on a sigh. “And that’s not what I was doing either, I soon figured out. It’s more like, um, what Oscar said to you, about having a good life and being safe and getting away from the paranoia and the freaks. Finding peace.”

“Most undercover cops only last a few years,” Ellen said. “Five years, ten at most. Angie’s up to eight years now, I did about that, Oscar made it to six, and Danni made it three years. That’s not to shame her, either, that’s actually a lot closer to the average, especially if that officer witnesses or is involved in something particularly traumatic. In fact, she’s probably stronger because she got out early. You’ve given eighteen years of your life to Covert Services, Peter. Hell, when you entered the academy I was just starting high school!”

“Oh, let’s not do that,” Peter said with a laugh. “Angie was eight! But do you know what? I got into work and I sat down with Harris right away, and I told him all of this stuff. I was really honest with him for the first time, no bullshit, and I looked at him and said, ‘Mate, I’m gonna make this real easy for you and not even give you a choice.’ He said he wouldn’t have given me a choice either, listening to me talk, and we shook on it. He said thanks for the twenty-five years of service, etcetera.”

“You might have not warmed to him, Peter,” Ellen said. “But he knows your record. He knows you have an exemplary undercover record. Eighteen years!”

“You can stop saying that,” Peter said, chuckling. “It’s not that big a deal.”

“It just constantly surprises me how normal you still are after all that time.”

“You think most guys in covert ops that long would be in the nut-house?”

“Yes, I do,” Ellen said seriously. “They’re completely unable to have normal relationships, they sleep with a gun under their pillow, and they use dope or crack or alcohol or sex to dull the pain.”

“Well I definitely haven’t used the last one in a few years,” he told her.

“Ha, dare I ask about the gun under your pillow?”

“There’s not even a gun in this house, Elle,” Peter assured her softly. “Is that okay? That there’s no gun?”

“More than okay,” she said as she smiled at him and took a step forward. She laid her palms flat against his chest, though her left quickly drifted down to grasp the shirt at his waist. “Now,” she said once she was settled and had his full attention. “I know we said we were going to take this slowly but I have been thinking about you all day; about how proud I am of you, and how surreal this all still feels, and how quickly I feel like I’m falling in love with you. It’s different to last time, different to the six or so years after that where nothing really ever happened but where we-”

“Got closer,” Peter said quietly. “After we split up, we got closer.”

“In a weird way, yes,” Ellen acknowledged. “I’m glad you felt that too, some days I thought I was deluded and kidding myself. It was hard and lonely once I was the boss, Peter, and I didn’t know what to do about that…I was working so hard to keep us all together, to keep the money coming in and to keep everyone alive-”

“That was the absolute most important thing that you had to do then,” Peter assured her as he wrapped his hands around her upper arms. “You needed to do that, we all needed you to have that sort of unwavering professional focus on work, because it saved our asses and kept us together a few more years. Right?”

“Right,” she said softly. Her eyes filled with tears and her voice shook. “Anyway, that’s over now, for both of us, though if one day you do want to go back-”

“I don’t want to go back, honey,” he said. “We’re gonna do something else with our lives, all right? We’ll figure it out.”

“I’m in,” Ellen said. She managed a wide smile despite the flush on her cheeks. Peter grinned at her and she took a deep breath before restarting. “Anyway, I wasn’t kidding outside. I want to make love with you. Today. Fuck going slowly.”

“Ellen, it’s been three years, the very idea of slow is going to be well and truly fucked…at least the first time.”

Ellen giggled and raised an eyebrow, silently inviting him to make the first move if he was ready. He reached up and held one side of her face to stroke her cheek with his thumb, just as he had in the factory when he had found her fast asleep on her couch. Had it really been less than a week ago? 

Peter felt like time was slowing down, stretching out, allowing him to savour absolutely everything about his life just how he had always wanted, first with Alice and then Christina and now Ellen. Though what he felt for her was completely different to the other two; she knew him as he was, she had saved his life multiple times, and he had saved hers once or twice too. She was saving him again and she didn’t even really know it. He wasn’t going to waste another chance. He was going to make sure she knew it every day. 

“You know the last five minutes or so since I got home?” he asked. 

Ellen nodded and stared at him, patiently waiting as he continued to squeeze her upper arm with one hand and touch her face with the other. 

“Well,” he said. “Seeing you sitting outside not caring who saw you, the way you grinned into your cup, so sure of yourself, and relaxed and happy-”

“Look at where I am compared to where I was,” she whispered. “I’m ecstatic.”

“Yeah well me too and I don’t want to spend another day apart from you. I love you. I’m in love with you. Let’s go to bed, and just, let me know with your arm-”

“I haven’t tested it out, but I’m pretty sure the only thing it won’t be able to do is grip you or a headboard,” she quipped. She laughed at the stunned expression on Peter’s face, until he quickly closed the gap and covered her mouth with his. 

*


	27. Chapter 27

TWENTY-SEVEN

“Who iiis it?” Peter sang through the front door.

“Danieeella!” she sang back, like an echo.

“Oh for Pete’s sake!” Peter huffed as he whipped the door open. 

“Yeah, exactly, that’s your name. I’m here for your sake,” Danni said before she had a chance to really look at him. He was barefoot, wearing black tracksuit pants with a grey stripe down the sides, and a white t-shirt. His hair was ragged but it always was – he needed a haircut – and his clear blue eyes were shiny and alert, but not quite focused. He was a little bit out of breath and his cheeks were a little rosy-

Danni hesitated. Her green eyes went wide and she pressed her lips together.

“Not interrupting anything, am I?” she asked pointedly, trying to stay calm. 

“No,” Peter said with a frustrated frown. “What’s going on? Where are the twins? Do you just never call ahead anymore?”

“Keep your knickers on,” she said. If they even were on, she wondered. “The boys are with Tony, he’s working from home for the afternoon before he comes over here for your run at five. You’re still going for your run with Tony tonight, right?”

“Of course,” Peter said with a nod. He took a deep breath and appeared to calm down. “So uh, hang on, let me guess…Angie called you.”

“In a panic, because I don’t think she believed you would really do it,” Danni said as she crossed her arms over her ample chest. “You quit?”

“I’m on long service leave,” he said. “Actually sick leave until the paperwork goes through for the LSL. Seven and a half months of it, Danni…then I’ll quit.”

“I’m glad you finally listened to me,” she said. “I know you laughed but-”

“No, I’m sorry I laughed. I went away and thought about it. I knew you were right and you were just looking out for me. I appreciate that. Also, I’m fine.”

“Is that an ‘I’m really fine’, or is that like Mac’s version of ‘I’m fine’ where we all knew she was about to wanna bust a cap in someone’s ass.”

“Bust a cap?” Peter asked, chuckling. “What have you been watching today?”

“Uh, the Midday Movie, thank you very much. It was awesome,” Danni deadpanned. But she smiled and reached out to grasp his wrist. Yes, she determined quickly, his pulse was high. “So,” she said. “Are you truly okay?”

“Yes,” he said. “I’m just hanging out and thinking about stuff. I’m looking forward to the run with Tony; it’ll help clear my head from the day as well. I didn’t mean to upset Ange, I really tried to ease her into it. She seemed fine!”

“Yeah, well Angie is closer to Mac’s version of fine than she would like to admit right now,” Danni explained. “I made the remark that you were cashing in your chips, you know with the house and all your paid leave, and she’s worried you’ll run.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Peter said. “If I go on a holiday then that’s what it will be, a holiday, some travel, but there are no plans and I would always come home. You guys are like my sisters now, we’re mates! Come on, give me some credit!”

“She wanted me to touch base, and I’m just doing my sisterly duty,” Danni said with a grin. “But you realise that you and I slept together a few times, right? So maybe not quite like brother and sister for us. Let’s stick to best mates.”

“Oh yeah, forgot about that,” he said with wide eyes. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Danni said with a broad laugh. “I’m sure today you’ve got other things on your mind. It’s a really big decision Pete, and a really quick turnaround? I don’t suppose you want to get a coffee or anything? Talk all this out?”

“Ah, actually I think I’m all talked out,” he said. “I feel like I’ve been talking non-stop for days. I’m just going to chill on my own for awhile if that’s okay.”

“Sure. Sorry I didn’t call first, I thought that on the odd chance you were running away, then springing myself on you would be more effective.”

“That’s fine,” Peter assured her with a smile. “So are you going to have some baby-free time now?”

“Yes, I want to look in some of the boutiques down the road. Angie’s birthday is next month, the big three-four, and I’m on a scouting mission for gift ideas. What have you been getting her the last couple of years? We never really exchanged presents when we all worked together, just those awesome cards that we all used to write on. I wish I still had mine.”

“We’ll do you a new one for your next birthday,” Peter promised. “I usually get Ange movie vouchers, to get her out of the house. I’ll do the same again this year. I’m not great at picking out jewellery or anything special like that.”

“Says the man who’s proposed to two women and maybe one day might propose to a third. Gee, she’ll be a lucky one! ‘Ah, honey, here’s the ring…sorry it’s so damn ugly…I’m not really great at picking out jewellery’. What a catch!”

“That’s different!” Peter insisted, as both of them started laughing. 

“You do realise that Tony already knows you’re on leave, right?” Danni asked once she composed herself. “He’s going to be asking the same questions I am? But I promise you can talk to him like a guy-mate and not worry that he’s always gonna tell me everything you tell him. He doesn’t…unless I get a whiff of it and torture him for information. You can trust him though, Pete, that’s all I’m saying. Like, if there’s stuff you don’t feel you can talk to me and Ange about-”

“Yeah, I understand that,” Peter said with a softer smile. “Thanks for reassuring me Danni. It’s good to have another man to talk to about some stuff, I’ve missed it I suppose…without Stoney.”

“I know you have,” Danni whispered sincerely. “Anyway, before I go, I was trying to think of something to say on the way over here that was appropriate for what you’ve just done. You know, to commemorate your decision. And we all have to go out to dinner together to celebrate the end of your career, in style, and I’ll probably say it again over a toast or something embarrassing like that-”

“I think that sounds like a great idea,” Peter said with wide eyes and a nod. “Let’s do that, let’s all go out to dinner one night.”

“Okay, good.”

“What were you gonna say though?”

“Just that you were always one of those cops who I looked up to – Angie and Oscar did too – and as reckless as you could sometimes be, you never led us astray, you’re not a sexist or chauvinistic ass, you never talked to us like we were inexperienced morons, and you always had our backs. I hope you reflect on your career and think of all the people you helped, people you never met or people you only met for brief moments in their lives, often the worst moments. And even the ones who were dragged off in handcuffs feeling betrayed by someone they thought they could trust, well, sometimes that might be hard to think about, but remember that no cop you worked with ever felt like that about you. You helped all of us, most of all. And also, finally, we’ve still got your back, Peter. If you need anything, just call. I’m gonna go get a coffee and look at pretty pink bracelets for Angie now, okay?”

“Yeah okay,” Peter said, his voice choked as he watched her back away slowly and wave. 

Danni got halfway down the street before she pulled out her phone and called her partner.

“Hey love,” Tony said. In the background, one of the boys was crying.

“Aw, what happened over there?” she asked. 

“They were sitting up together and Ben poked himself in the eye. He’s fine, just surprised! I think he forgot he had fingers for a little while, and in it went!”

“Oh, whoops,” Danni said, giggling. 

“It gets better,” Tony said. “Lucas laughed at him. He had a real little, ‘you stupid baby’, look on his face and then started cackling so hard he fell over.”

“Ah, brotherly love,” Danni said. 

“How was the mission?”

“Pete’s not talking, but oh my God, Tony, he totally had a woman in there!”

“What?”

“He opened the door looking all scraggly and out-of-breath, and he was wearing his tracky-dacks and I know that look in his eyes; it was the sex look.”

“Ew, Danni!”

“What? I know it. That’s what he looks like. I interrupted something!”

“Did he admit it?”

“No, and I didn’t push him,” Danni said seriously. “We had to talk about work, that was the most important thing, and he seems fine but I have no idea who this woman is, or what sort of influence she’s having on him…Tony, what if she’s a bitch and she’s manipulating him to try to get his cash?”

“He’s a career cop. Like he has cash? Ha.”

“He’s about to be a wealthy ex-cop,” she said. “He just sold his house for closer to two million dollars, after buying an old, empty mechanics’ garage on what was the edge of town ten years ago for less than one hundred and fifty thousand. You were at the auction beside me the whole time, right? He had that home in high-spec condition by the end, and do you remember the look on Peter’s face when his eyes nearly popped out of his head? He will not have to worry about money once the settlement drops into his account. And if he met this woman recently, what if she was there, what if she was watching him and she decided that he was an easy mark?”

“If she was there and she’s some kind of con-artist, wouldn’t she also have seen you and Angie and all of the closeness that was going on that day?” Tony asked. “It would be a brave con-artist to get in the middle of that.”

“Brave but crafty, if she could get him to enter into a relationship without letting us know about it,” Danni said.

“Ehh…I think you’re stretching, babe,” Tony said. “It sounds creepy.”

“We specialize in creepy,” she said. “Trust me, there are a lot of crazy, psychopathic, sociopathic, greedy-bum freaks out there.”

“Yeah but Peter’s switched on! Did you remind him about the run?”

“Yep, he’s in, but I would keep it at a slow jog tonight babe; he’ll probably be pretty tired from all the sex, maybe a little tender…you know how it is.”

“Danni! I can’t decide if you’re genuinely worried or blatantly entertained!”

“You mean I have to choose one?” she asked. She suddenly stopped laughing and hummed, making her ‘serious thinking’ noise until Tony chuckled. 

“Are you coming home now then love?” he asked. 

“I just want to see if I can pick up something nice for Angie’s birthday, and then I’ll come home. I’ll be home in time for you to leave for your run, I promise.”

She hung up the phone as she walked in the direction of the beach, towards the more commercial streets lined with cafes and shops. She would definitely be home in time for Tony to leave, but she was already formulating a plan to return once both men were out of their homes. The mission, as Tony called it, was far from over.

*

Pushing the pram in front of her, Danni made her way to Peter’s driveway that evening. She had left the house just twenty minutes behind Tony, and parked several houses back from her intended destination. When she stopped at the edge of Peter’s property she knelt down beside the pram and touched both boys’ cheeks so that they looked at her.

“Okay babies,” she said seriously. They were on her team now, and she held their attention with a vivid, intense expression on her face and a hypnotizing, controlled whisper. “We are here on a top secret mission,” she told them. “Mummy will be right with you the whole time even if it’s getting dark, and you need to be absolutely silent. Are you with me?”

Ben’s mouth had dropped open in what looked like shock even though he really couldn’t understand what she was saying; he was just mesmerized by her voice.

She tried something else. She put her finger to her lips and with wide eyes reminded them, “Shh”. They knew what that meant, but it was still a new trick. Ben’s eyes went wide with understanding from where he sat in the back of the pram and both of them copied her. Danni grinned. 

“Good boys,” she said softly. She tapped her lips with her finger one more time for them, before she stood and continued to slowly, quietly, ease the pram up the paved driveway, past Peter’s car, around the outside of the single-car garage at the far end of the property, and then along the thin, cracked cement path that led back to the house and around to the rear. 

It was nearly dark but there were lights left on inside the house that meant that there was a dim yellow glow cast out onto the pathway. Danni used it to guide her over a few deeper cracks in the old cement. In front of her, the twins were either completely unsure about what was happening and were looking around like stunned zombies, or they had actually managed to focus on keeping their traps shut; they were absolutely silent. 

Danni knew that wouldn’t last as soon as she got close enough to the house to hear the television. She quickly stopped the pram at the back corner of the house and went back to the twins to give them the quiet signal again. Lucas opened his mouth as though he wanted to say something about the TV he could now hear, but Danni stared at him firmly and reached out to run her fingers through his springy, curly hair. 

“Shh,” she whispered. “Soon sweetie. Shh.”

“Shhhhhhhh,” Ben said as he kicked his legs out in front of him. Danni got a hand between his foot and the back of Lucas’ seat just in time, because the last thing she wanted was Lucas to start wailing because his brother kicked him in the kidneys. 

Once she was satisfied they were calm, Danni turned the pram around so that she could walk backwards and approach the back door first. There was no point scaring this woman half to death if all she saw was a random small vehicle appear at the back door in the dark, before an actual person appeared. Danni wanted to peer around the corner and watch for a while anyway, to see what she could see. It was just surveillance.

In Peter’s new house, the two bedrooms were at the front on either side of the hallway, followed by the bathroom on one side and a door to the garage on the other. At the back of the house the hallway opened to a kitchen, living room and laundry. Danni knew that she was standing at the kitchen’s end, but the kitchen window ran along the side of the house, down towards the garage at the front. So she kept moving backwards along what had become a small paved courtyard, towards the door. There was a metal security screen with the old diamond-pattern, covered in mesh, as well as a glass door. These were the doors that Tony assured her Peter had unlocked before they went to dinner the other night. She could not tell if they were locked now. 

The twins were shifting around and snuffling in their seats but they were being so good; they were going to get the biggest hugs and noisiest kisses later that night! 

Danni bit her bottom lip and finally edged close enough to the back door to look diagonally into the living room. The television was much easier to hear from where she was now standing, and Danni recognised the familiar voice of the city’s evening news weather reporter. She could hear the weather forecast clearly. 

There was definitely somebody there, and it was definitely a woman. Through the mesh and the screen and the glass door, Danni found herself staring straight at the back of Peter’s couch, and the back of a brunette woman’s head as she watched the news in front of her. Yet there wasn’t much more that Danni could see. She was not used to Peter having his furniture set up this way, and the couch did not actually face the back door at all; it was positioned like a divider between the open kitchen and the living space, with a thoroughfare to the back door in between. 

Danni bit her bottom lip and tried to work out what to do from here and how to find out more information, but the decision was partly made for her when the woman stood. The news had finished. Danni watched her stretch her arms over her head and do a few quick exercises like an athlete might if she had a shoulder niggle. 

She looked like she could be an athlete, actually, Danni reasoned. She was wearing long tights and a long, loose wool sweater, but it was obvious that there was a lean and slender body beneath it. Her brown hair was cut into a long bob and sat around the base of her neck, just off her shoulders. 

She looked gorgeous, just from behind, Danni realised with an open mouth. How could Peter have kept someone like this from her? This was a real-life woman, in his house and looking pretty damn comfortable there, all the while he was out jogging with Tony like nothing was going on? 

Danni continued her observations as the woman picked up the remote control and changed channels while still standing. She changed it to the national news, and Danni listened to the familiar burst of music that accompanied its start. This woman was educated, Danni thought. Maybe she was a journalist? Tony was obsessed with watching ten different versions of the news every day as well. 

If this woman was a journalist then Danni could not believe that Peter had walked beside her just the day beforehand and laughed off journalists as ‘too nosy’. He might have had a grand laugh at that when he got home and recounted the story to this woman. The thought did not fill Danni with joy; that was for sure. She hoped that’s not what had happened, she hoped that Peter wasn’t laughing at her just because he was clever enough to keep a relationship like this a secret.

Was it even a proper relationship? Did he love this woman? Did she love him?

Danni returned to more physical observations. They were emotionally safer. 

This woman looked to be about Peter’s height, so about the same height as Danni as well, and she was white; Danni could see fair hands and a glimpse of a fair neck between the hair and the sweater. Where on earth did he meet her?

The woman stretched her arm again. Danni had already picked up on the fact that it was the left arm that was the continued focus. There was definitely an injury being tended to. She watched carefully, and soon the woman looked back towards the kitchen as though she was debating whether to sit and watch more news or get dinner started. Yet she turned her head over her left shoulder to look to the kitchen, so her face remained obscured and Danni didn’t even get a good look at her profile. 

It wasn’t fair! Danni felt like knocking on the back door and just scaring the crap out of this woman all of a sudden, but as usual her children demonstrated their excellent timing and they decided that they had been quiet long enough. Lucas started chatting in baby talk from his back seat, and Ben started to jiggle and talk back to him, and the mission came to a very sudden and abrupt halt. 

The woman inside heard the commotion, because in a quiet street with the sun going down two squealing ten-month-old boys who didn’t understand the concept of volume control would have sounded like a siren blasting in her ear, even with the back doors closed between them. 

Danni watched from her position hidden in shadows and saw immediately that the woman had turned around and acted in fear and self-defence. She had swiveled on her feet and put the couch between herself and the back door. She had deep blue eyes and they were wide and scanning the outside for any sign of movement. Her lips were gently parted in concentration. She was frozen to the spot and had rested her left hand on the far arm of the couch while her right had disappeared behind her lower back. 

That was an old instinct, one Danni knew absolutely. It was an old habit.

Ellen Mackenzie was reaching for a gun that wasn’t there. 

*


	28. Chapter 28

TWENTY-EIGHT

Danni moved quickly to show herself. Instinct took over when she saw that look in her old boss’ eyes, and she knew how it felt to reach for a gun that wasn’t there and to have a momentary panic, on top of whatever else had set off that response to begin with. It was terrifying, a jolt to the heart, and Danni didn’t even think before she stepped into the light cast from the living room to the outside. She bit her bottom lip and knocked three times on the back door as Ben and Lucas continued to entertain themselves. Mummy hadn’t told them to be quiet again, so they carried on as normal.

This situation, however, was anything but normal.

It felt like the woman inside stared at Danni for a really long time before she moved. When she did, her first response was not to open the back door. Instead, she put her hands on her slender hips, blinked upwards as though she was trying not to cry, and she looked over her shoulder, down the hallway towards the front door. 

She’s looking for Peter, Danni realised. She knows Peter is with Tony. She’s just figured out that they’d been set up. Her right hand had moved to her back again.

“Mac,” Danni said. “It’s just me, it’s Danni. You’re totally safe here, it’s okay.” She knocked again with one hand while her other rested on the back of the pram and pushed it back and forth to let the boys know she was still there. 

Danni did not care about the set-up anymore. Tony didn’t even know that she was there! Her palms were sweaty, her heart was racing, and she just wanted to get inside to help. She knew how that woman on the other side of the door felt. She had felt the same way when she heard Angie call her name for the first time in two years as well. She just wanted to make it all okay now.

Inside, Ellen took a deep breath as she gathered herself and wiped her sweaty palms on the thin material covering her thighs. She managed a smile at Danni because she saw Danni smiling and knocking and she looked so hopeful. Ellen bit her bottom lip as she nodded and walked forwards to unlock the back doors. 

“I am so sorry, that must have scared the crap out of you!” Danni said as soon as the glass door was open. That was only locked by a latch, she realised, but the screen door required keys. She watched Ellen reach up to collect a set of keys hanging on a small hook above head-height. No wonder Tony had been so sure that Peter had not re-locked the back door; he would have needed to use the keys a second time. Danni was excited by the fact that she could smell Ellen’s shampoo, and she could see the startling arctic blue of her nervous eyes, and she could hear her breath.

 

“Hi Danni,” Ellen said softly as soon as she was able to unlock the door. She opened it all the way, and she stepped aside so that Danni could get the pram in behind her. Danni backed over the threshold dragging the pram carefully backwards over the runners of the back doors. She then settled the pram near the kitchen stool while Ellen quickly re-locked both doors and returned the keys to their rightful place.

“Wow,” Danni said when she was able to give her full attention to Ellen. She put her hands on her broad hips and looked Ellen up and down. “So, you’re alive?”

“I’m alive,” Ellen confirmed. She crossed her arms defensively over her chest and she felt as though she was about to either throw up or cry. 

The entire day had been so relaxing and free of any stress or any difficult conversations, and no matter how confident and forward she had been with Peter to begin with, after spending a couple of hours in bed with him in the afternoon Ellen felt tired and a little sore and incredibly happy and extremely vulnerable. 

She really was not sure if she could do this without any warning all over again, she hadn’t prepared, and she shivered and tried to figure out how long ago Peter and Tony had left, and how long it might be until they returned.

“Mac?” Danni asked. Her voice was gentle and soft and inquiring. Ellen’s eyes automatically lifted and she finally looked into Danni’s open, earnest green irises. They searched each other quietly like that for long seconds until Danni spoke again. “I didn’t meant to scare you,” she said. “I didn’t know it would be you. Tony doesn’t know I’m here and we didn’t set this up. It’s not a set-up.”

“Um, okay,” Ellen said. She hadn’t even thought about it like that, but Danni was right in that it so obviously looked as though Tony had gotten Peter out of the house so that Danni could come around and surprise her. 

Mission accomplished, Ellen thought. Her eyes drifted to the pram.

“Can I see them?” she asked, glancing back at Danni as she made her way over there. 

“Of course,” Danni said with a gentle laugh. It was just the sort of laugh that Ellen had heard the previous day as Danni had talked to Peter outside, and it was just the sort of laugh that Ellen remembered well from years ago. 

Ellen walked around to the front end of the pram and looked at the two tiny people who almost immediately stopped talking and stared at her. 

“Oh great, now they’re quiet!” Danni huffed over Ellen’s shoulder. 

Ellen smirked and crouched down so that she was eye to eye with Lucas in the front, and Ben in the back. Danni introduced them.

“They look like you,” Ellen said, even though she was sure Danni knew that too. “They have your face.”

“Poor, poor children,” Danni said.

“No, they’re beautiful children,” Ellen said as she stood and turned to Danni. She took another deep, calming breath, and softly repeated, “They’re beautiful.”

“Thanks,” Danni said quietly. “So I guess you know…about me and Tony.”

“Yeah,” Ellen said, snorting softly as she rolled her eyes. “Yeah uh, Peter has filled me in. He says you’re getting married? Congratulations.”

“Thanks. Mac, I didn’t know. I just thought he had some random weirdo girlfriend,” Danni said, doing her best to explain the sudden intrusion. She trailed off and looked at Ellen expectantly. She blushed and asked, “Um, can I hug you hello?”

“Sure,” Ellen said. Her face flushed as she nevertheless took a half-step forward at the same time as Danni. 

Ellen remained relatively still as Danni wrapped her arms around Ellen’s upper arms and her back. It allowed Ellen to rest her hands around Danni’s waist and not squeeze too hard. She held her breath until they parted, and then quickly wiped at her eyes before any tears fell. 

Danni was warm and soft and she felt as safe to be around as ever. She was still a good person; Ellen knew it just by watching her, and she felt it just by standing next to her. She wasn’t angry either. Yet. 

“Do you want to sit down?” Ellen asked. She couldn’t think of what else to do, and Danni certainly wasn’t going anywhere for a while yet. 

“Yeah, thanks,” Danni said as she nodded eagerly. She moved the pram over from by the kitchen stools to rest beside the couch, and Ellen switched off the television. They sat side by side on Peter’s couch and Ellen twiddled her thumbs even as her eyes continually skirted across to stare at Lucas. 

“I was here yesterday,” she heard herself say suddenly. “I met Lucas when-”

“When Peter rushed in to get his jacket from the spare room, because he hadn’t had time to ‘sort his wardrobe’,” Danni said with air-quotes and laughter. “On its own, that wouldn’t have made me suspicious, but Tony saw him sending secret text messages and leaving this back door unlocked, and then today, well, sorry Mac but I definitely knew he had a woman here today when he opened the front door.”

“Oh God,” Ellen said with wide eyes. Her cheeks flushed and she looked away from Danni and down. Her right hand had pushed her left sleeve up and wrapped itself tightly around her scar; hiding it even though it had already been hidden. 

“Mac?” Danni asked softly. She edged her hand out and tentatively touched the outside of Ellen’s thigh. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah just a bit, um…I don’t really know, actually.” Ellen glanced back at her and offered Danni a watery smile. “I wasn’t really ready for any of this.”

“That’s okay,” Danni said. “If I’d known it was you…I take it this is recent? Pete’s state of mind has altered dramatically in a week-”

“About that long,” Ellen said as she sighed. “It was an accident.”

“What did you do, bump into each other in the grocery store?”

“No, at the factory.”

“The factory? Our factory?”

“I was splitting my time between there and a motel since I got back to the city, um, and that was less than two months ago now. He came to steal the couch that used to be in my office, so he could have something of mine in this new place, I guess. He found me sleeping on it.”

“Oh, I remember that!” Danni said with wide eyes as she sat up straighter. “He wouldn’t let anyone take it. We thought he was so close to cracking that day. He never mentioned it again though, or at least not to me. I guess you know that I disappeared too, huh? This is all still pretty new to me as well, Mac.”

“You can call me Ellen if you want,” she said. “I’m not Mac, I’m not your boss. I resigned a month ago. So now I’m just me.”

“But isn’t your name, um, is it Kristine?”

“It was. I changed it legally in Sydney. Mum and dad were okay with it, but they still call me Kris.”

“And uh, the art guy? Gene?”

“Ended about a year ago.”

“Right,” Danni said softly as she sighed and looked Ellen up and down. “Well I’m changing my name legally to Danni when I get married in a few weeks. You wanna come watch? I’d love to have you there.”

“I’m not sure that’s a great idea,” Ellen said softly. 

“Please?” Danni said, unafraid of begging when she saw the hesitation in Ellen’s blue eyes. They had once held so much determination and strength; had Danni really caught her that far off guard? Or had she actually changed that much?

The front door opened before Danni could ask, and Ellen flinched and sat up straighter immediately. 

“Yeah mate!” Peter shouted over his shoulder. “Whatever you reckon!” He let the door shut behind him and was laughing to himself as he walked straight down the hallway to the living room. “Hey Elle, honey, you’ll never guess what-”

Peter stopped and stared at Ellen sitting next to Danni on the couch. He could see the pram and he could finally hear the twins fussing, and he could see Ellen’s private look of desperation and Danni’s accusing, playful smirk. 

“Be right back,” he said, before he turned on his heels and bolted down the hallway. The front door opened again. “Hey Tony!” he shouted. His voice got further away as he ran farther from the house and towards Tony’s car on the street. “Tony mate, get back in here. Quick! No, no, come on, you gotta come inside mate!”

Danni leant slightly closer to Ellen as her smirk turned into a wise smile. She caught Ellen’s eyes and whispered, “It’s nice that they’re friends”.

Ellen chuckled softly and managed a short nod. 

Sure enough, Peter had been successful and had stopped Tony driving home to an empty house. 

“Where’s the fire?” Tony asked as Peter ushered him in. “Are you okay?”

“You’ve got some explaining to do mate,” Peter said. He led Tony into the living area and gestured with his arms towards the two women and the twins. “What’s Little Miss Nosy doing in my house?”

“Ahh, Danni!” Tony said with a deliberately exaggerated groan. 

“Oh come on!” she said in defence of her own actions as she stood and grabbed for Ellen to stand and face them as well. “Look who his secret girlfriend is! Look, Tony! How crazy is this? She’s my friend, she came back!”

Tony actually looked at Ellen then, and he cast his eyes across her face as she kept her arms tightly folded around her middle again. She saw the recognition in this stranger’s dark eyes, eyes just like Lucas’. Beside her, Danni was practically bouncing up and down, but Ellen sought out the steady concern in Peter’s eyes. He was making his way around the couch without allowing her to look away. 

“Are you all right?” he asked. 

“Yeah I just…I just feel stupid. I reached for my gun.” She covered her mouth with one of her hands and sobbed into it. “It wasn’t there.”

“I’m so sorry,” Danni said again as she watched Peter pull Ellen into a warm hug. “I did scare her, I’m sorry, she looked like she had a flashback-”

“Don’t worry about it Danni,” Peter said as Ellen nodded against his neck to confirm what Danni had said. 

Peter shut his eyes and slowly rubbed Ellen’s back and her neck. He could feel her heart hammering in a panic against his own chest and he could feel the emotion just oozing out of her. He still wasn’t used to that. He knew she had been a little bit teary before he left for the run, but they’d had a really full-on, raw, emotional couple of hours and she had said she would just watch the news and have a cup of tea. 

So much for that brilliant plan, he realised. 

Peter pulled her tighter and just let her rest for a while. He pressed his lips to her temple and held them there, and when he felt her left hand trying to grip his waist in a hug he saved her the effort, collected her hand in his, and brought it between them to his chest. He was glad that he had showered just before he left, and he and Tony hadn’t been gone for very long, so Peter didn’t think he smelt too bad and he wasn’t very sweaty. If Ellen noticed, she didn’t mind.

“Is she okay?” Danni asked softly after a few minutes. Tony had gone over to the pram and retrieved Ben, who was starting to fuss more loudly. It was nearing their bedtime and they were tired.

“Yep,” Peter assured her as he opened his eyes and offered Danni a kind, forgiving smile. “Just a big few days, lots of emotions. We’re actually pretty tired.”

“Why don’t we take the kids home, Danni?” Tony suggested. “You can come back tomorrow.”

“Aw,” Danni said, pouting as she looked between Tony standing there with Ben in his arms, and Peter holding onto Ellen. “But…okay hang on, just, can I please just ask a couple of questions? I’ll be quick, I promise.”

“Okay,” Ellen said for herself. Her right arm was wrapped tightly around Peter’s waist and she lifted her head and turned it around to look directly at Danni. Peter was still clutching her left hand to his chest but slid it down to rest more comfortably over his stomach, and it didn’t look so out of the ordinary there either.

“Well,” Danni began with a hopeful smile. “Ellen, you said Pete found you at the factory? When, exactly?”

“You know the night we all went out to dinner?” Peter asked. “After dropping all my stuff here?”

“The night you left your back door unlocked,” Danni told him. “Tony saw you do that. That was the third clue of the night that there was a secret girlfriend.”

“It happened the night before that, or in the very early hours of that morning.”

“And you’ve been here ever since Mac? Sorry, Ellen?”

Ellen pressed her lips together and nodded warily.

“And are you…together-together?” Danni asked as she looked at them both. 

“Yes,” Ellen said. Her voice and her eyes found a strength in that simple, positive confirmation that had been lacking and it made Danni smile. 

“And it’s serious, Danni,” Peter said. 

Danni smirked and nodded. As if there was a need to clarify!

“Yeah, I get that,” she said. “I’m just asking stupid questions because I’m in shock here! So if Tony and I go home…will you both still be here in the morning?”

“Absolutely,” Peter assured her. Ellen also nodded. “But,” Peter said to her. “There’s just one more thing I need you both to do before you go.”

“What’s that mate?” Tony asked as Danni eagerly nodded as well.

“You have to promise not to tell Angie yet,” Peter said. “Promise.”

Danni held a hand to her heart and looked directly into Ellen’s eyes.

“I swear on Oscar’s grave I will not tell Angie until you are comfortable enough to do that yourself. Tony won’t either, he’s really, really good about stuff like this. I’m so sorry I took away your right to feel comfortable and safe coming to me when you were ready, Mac. Please forgive me. I’m so surprised. I’ve missed you.”

“It’s okay, I’ve missed you too,” Ellen said. “Thank you for understanding.” 

She pushed herself gently away from Peter and walked forward to hug Danni again, properly this time. She still only gave her old friend a one-armed hug but if Danni noticed she didn’t mention anything. It was brief but it was stronger and Ellen felt a lot less sick when they parted. 

Danni grinned at Peter then, and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. Peter hugged her, but then took her shoulders in his hands and pushed her back. He stared directly into her eyes and allowed her to see how important this was to him.

“Do not talk to Angie about this,” he repeated. “Please. You know why.”

“I do,” Danni said cautiously as she glanced to Ellen. “But can I come over tomorrow? I mean, can I visit? Can we talk?” 

“Of course,” Ellen said with a gentle smile. “Um, whenever suits you is fine. I just don’t know how much I’ll be able to talk to you about, uh, what happened.”

“No, you don’t have to,” Danni said quickly. She shook her head and stepped back from Peter so that she could look at Ellen properly. “Mac, Ellen, you don’t have to talk to me about anything from back then. You do not owe me any explanations, ever. I’ll go on and on about the babies and you and Peter can tell me your plans, now he’s a free man. We don’t have to go into the past if you don’t want to. Is that okay?”

“Thank you Danni. Thank you so much, I appreciate that,” Ellen said, unable to help gushing as she wiped the surge of tears gathering in her eyes. She nodded and watched as Danni grinned broadly at her. It was contagious, and Ellen ended up laughing and rolling her eyes at her own display. What the Hell was wrong with her? 

They said goodbye then and Peter led Danni and Tony outside with the twins, back to their two cars.

“Well they’re gonna have a good natter when they get home and get the boys to bed,” Peter announced upon his return. Ellen had sat back down on the couch and had her hands tucked between her knees, but she was watching him with a gentle smile. “Are you doing okay?” he asked. “So what did Danni do, sneak around the back to spy on this secret girlfriend that she did not ask me once about, by the way!”

“Ha, that’s okay,” Ellen said as her smile relaxed and broadened. “That’s exactly what she did. One of the twins gave her away. I can’t believe she has babies!”

“It’s frightening,” Peter said. He pulled a face to make Ellen laugh and sat down beside her. He sighed, and reached out to rub her thigh. “How you doing otherwise?” he asked. His blue eyes softened as Ellen looked at him and blushed. 

“A little raw and exposed,” she admitted. “And achy…and don’t you laugh!”

“No, honest, I get it,” he said, still chuckling happily despite her warning. He tucked some of her shorter hair behind her nearest ear and smiled. “Tony and I didn’t run tonight. We walked. I said I had a headache after a big day but truth is I was shaky and not concentrating and uh, well, I’m bloody worn out to be honest.”

Ellen laughed and nodded. 

“Yeah,” she said. “It’s just…in all the relationships I’ve ever had, sex was just sex; even in ours, once upon a time. I know that’s not the norm for you, not with Alice at least, but that is my default and I so badly wanted to change that with you. So I know I’m the one that propositioned you today, but I am overwhelmed tonight by everything I’m feeling that I didn’t know or expect I could feel – in a good way, I promise – and then Danni came and I don’t know if she noticed my arm or…I mean…I reached for my gun, she had to tell me that I was safe. She was so great.”

“I told you, Danni’s in good shape,” Peter assured her. “Now, on our walk Tony was talking Italian food and now I’m starving. I make a gourmet tomato soup-”

“How is tomato soup gourmet?” Ellen asked, finding it within herself to tease him with a mocking, questioning grimace. 

Peter laughed and announced, “Oh, I’m an excellent cook now. Surprise!”

“Oh,” Ellen said with a chuckle. “That’s today’s big surprise? Silly me.” 

Peter leant forward to hug her warmly, and he grinned when she tenderly pressed her lips to his cheek and held them there. He couldn’t wait to find a good way to tell her that she was actually wrong; what he felt wasn’t the norm for him at all.

*


	29. Chapter 29

TWENTY-NINE

“Are you all right?” Tony asked Danni when he walked into their bedroom after a final check of the downstairs security and the boys asleep in their room. Danni was lying across the width of the bed with her head hanging just off the edge of his side, in her pyjamas, with her arms outstretched. “Are you being a starfish?” he asked.

She chuckled.

“I am contemplating a small stroke,” she said. She did not wait for a reply before continuing. “Actually I was thinking about how Angie told me that she and Pete had all their legal paperwork sorted. They each have a copy of each other’s wills, they’re each other’s powers of attorney, and there’s probably an outline there of emergency contacts and last wishes and all that…Angie called it the ‘full enchilada’.”

“Yeah, and?”

“I was thinking that Peter probably wants to change all that now, and I actually should have a quiet whisper in his ear tomorrow to remind him to do that as soon as possible, if that’s what he and Mac really want. Ellen. Ellen. Wow I’m so out of practice. She wants to be called Ellen, by the way.”

“I figured,” Tony said. He chuckled but quickly grew serious as he began to get undressed halfway between the bed and the ensuite. He would have a quick shower and then join her, because he was still in his running clothes. “Dan, do you really think that’s the first thing you should be talking to Peter about tomorrow? He’s on leave from the cops now, so the likelihood-”

“The likelihood for him dropping dead is the same as any of us,” Danni said softly. “We’re all human, babe. I know it’s a random thing to think about, it just occurred to me, but I think Ellen and Angie could make different decisions about his future. It’s important that Pete revisits all that old paperwork asap. It’s two years later, they would have done it in a panic and amidst all that grief…he’s with Ellen now.”

“Here, come into the bathroom and talk to me, love,” Tony urged.

“Ahh, okay,” she said. She made a dramatic show of rolling tiredly off the bed and trotting into the bathroom behind him, all the while smirking at his naked backside as he strutted ahead. She leant against the bathroom sink while he turned the shower on, waited a few seconds until the water was warm, and climbed inside. 

“So do you think it’s serious between Peter and Ellen?” Tony asked. “I know Pete said it was, but we’re talking a matter of days-”

“Oh yeeeah,” Danni drawled, with a large gesture of her arms that he didn’t see. “Ellen didn’t even hesitate to say that they were in a relationship, and Pete pretty much cleared up any doubt the moment he walked in and called her honey. Hell, they were in bed together when I went by this afternoon.”

“Is that why you followed me back to his house without telling me?”

“Sorry about that. I wanted to get a look at whoever this crafty minx of a woman was and I didn’t want you to tip him off.”

“I wouldn’t tip him off! I didn’t say anything to him on our walk, nothing at all!” Tony insisted through the water, sounding offended while Danni cackled. 

“What do you mean your walk?” she asked. 

“He said he had a headache, but he was distracted and worn out! I knew it was because he’d spent the afternoon with some strange woman in bed after quitting his job of twenty-five years, so I went easy on him. Now we know who she is. Whoa.”

“Yeah, Ellen’s beautiful isn’t she?” Danni asked on a sigh. “She’s got this very refined, Eastern European look about her bone structure, even her lips, like a Russian model, but sometimes I think maybe she’s more from like Denmark or Finland or something too, with her eyes; they’re the colour of really clean ocean.”

“Do we have a crush on our old boss?” Tony asked, laughing.

“She’s adopted remember? When I first found that out I started to look at her more closely and see if I could pick up on anything interesting. Obviously she was born here in Australia and her biological mum is Canadian, but in terms of her ancestry, who knows? I hope her bio-mum told her just once that she thought Elle was beautiful before she went back to Canada, because damn! And she’s my age, Tony.”

“She has good skin,” he said. He turned the water off and opened the door enough to stretch his arm out. “Towel please. Oh, and she hasn’t had babies. You’re beautiful too, by the way.”

“Very funny, it’s okay,” Danni said on a laugh as she handed him his towel. “Come on out, sexy-bum. I want to go to bed so that it’s tomorrow sooner, and then I can go back there and observe them together in their natural environment.”

“Calm down. They still might call in the morning and say they can’t handle it yet. Obviously this is a really new thing, and Ellen looked shell-shocked.”

“Yeah,” Danni said more gently. “She definitely seems different, but Pete told me today that he felt like he’d been talking non-stop so I bet they’ve been doing a lot of figuring things out. That can be exhausting and emotionally draining, and we’d know!”

“So what’s the deal with she who must not be told?” Tony asked. He hung his towel up opposite Danni and wandered back into the bedroom to get into his pyjamas. Danni followed and pulled the covers down to get into bed first. 

“Angie?” Danni asked, even though that was obvious. “Well you saw Mac-”

“Ellen. How were you an undercover cop, babe?”

“Dammit. Ellen. Oh well, she’ll forgive me. I was going to say that you heard Ellen say that she wasn’t sure if she could talk about what happened. Maybe something else did go on back then that influenced the way she left, who knows? Maybe Pete has informed her that Angie is not her biggest fan these days. See, I’m pretty happy to wipe the slate clean and start fresh, but Angie is going to need explanations. It’s fight or flight, right? Ellen and I chose flight, Angie chose fight.”

“Are you comfortable with not saying anything to her?”

“Um…yes I am,” Danni said, as Tony climbed into bed beside her. “Because she’s still fighting. She’s been here the whole time, fighting her little heart out. I just don’t think Ellen would survive a sustained attack just yet, and maybe it’s my mummy-response, but seeing her today, hugging her…I just want to wrap her up and protect her for a little while longer. I’m not even sure Angie is ready for this. She might actually have a stroke. Do you know what she said to me the other day?”

“What?” Tony asked.

“Angie said, ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if Pete’s secret girlfriend looks like you – as in me – or Mac?’ and then we had a big conversation about how Pete’s always preferred busty blondes so the secret girlfriend would never look like Mac.”

Tony stared at her for half a second before he burst out laughing and clutched at his stomach. He leant into her side as Danni also started laughing.

“I know!” she said in a playful huff, mid-chuckle. “I’m going to have to tell them that; they’ll get a laugh out of it. Angie is going to kick herself. Maybe it can be part of my toast at their wedding one day.”

“Now you’re getting ahead of yourself,” Tony said. “We’re not even married yet. Can we please focus on one wedding at a time? They’ve been back in each other’s lives for days. Days. Let’s not jump to any conclusions.”

“Maybe you missed the story of Pete sitting on our living room floor sobbing into my shoulder because he missed Mac and he was afraid for Mac and he loved Mac. And I know her name is Ellen now but he was talking about Mac.”

“Exactly. He was talking about Mac, and maybe that’s going to be very different to being with Ellen,” Tony said. “Just be gentle, don’t go charging in-”

“Tony, I’m not an idiot. They’re my friends! Trust me, there’s love there.”

“I know Danni,” he said softly. “I’m happy to know that Ellen is safe and at home. We know where she is now, and that’s going to be a huge weight off all of your shoulders. So let’s go to sleep and let it sink in and see what tomorrow brings.”

“Okay,” Danni said on a sigh. She knew he was right, but she was just so excited. She reached out to turn off the lamp at her bedside as Tony did the same, and they snuggled down into the covers on their respective sides of the bed. 

“Danni,” Tony said after a moment. “Can I ask one more bizarre question?”

“Sure.”

“Do you really think that Ellen and Angie would want to make conflicting decisions if Pete was in some kind of accident and ended up on life support?”

“Yes,” Danni said. “Ellen would flip the switch, and Angie never could.”

“Because of Oscar?”

“Yeah love,” Danni said softly as she rolled onto her side and faced him in the dark. “It’s all because of Oscar. What I’m most afraid of actually, is once we’re all back together – once Angie sees that Ellen came home – all it’s going to do is make it so much more obvious to her that Oscar never will. But I need to talk to Peter; I know he wants life support turned off. I need to really talk to him about that.”

“It’s okay my love, lots of time,” Tony said tiredly as he reached for her hand in the dark and curled his hand around her forearm instead. “Tomorrow,” he promised her. “I love you, my very own sneaky-sexy-super-sleuth-spy.”

“I dare you to say that ten times without getting tongue-tied,” Danni said as she sighed and shut her eyes. Another big day. She reached out and laid her hand against Tony’s chest, as they mumbled and whispered each other into a deep sleep.

*

Peter was sitting up in bed with the sheet around his waist the next morning when his phone rang. He smiled when he saw who it was, and quickly answered. 

“Hi Angie!” he said happily. “I wasn’t sure I’d hear from you this morning.”

“I thought about giving you a morning off but then I thought, eh, you’ve got the whole day off, so why not harass you for five minutes while I pour muesli into a bowl and add some milk. Sleep okay?”

“I slept brilliantly,” Peter said with a broad grin. He glanced up at the doorway when Ellen skidded back into the warm bedroom after risking an early-morning trip into the non-heated hallway and the bathroom in just a thin white singlet and white cotton briefs. Fucking brilliant, Peter thought as he stared at the body that housed the woman who, finally, he was allowed to be completely consumed by.

Ellen smiled as she climbed straight back into bed, lay down on her pillow, and pulled the sheet and the blanket back up over herself. They had switched sides of the bed so that Ellen wasn’t lying on her left arm to try to face him anymore – the random stabbing nerve pains that radiated up to her chest if she did that for too long weren’t welcome – but they both naturally favoured sleeping on their right side, so when they woke up that morning she had been spooning him from behind. 

‘You always did like to take control,’ he had mumbled to her. 

Ellen knew it did not bother him at all, though. He loved it. Neither of them had woken up during the night from a single nightmare. As Peter spoke to Angie on the phone, Ellen rolled back onto her right side and laid her top, left arm loosely over his leg under the covers. She let her fingers play with the light, soft hairs on his thigh as he wrapped his own free arm around her back and pulled her a little closer.

“What are your plans for the day?” Angie was asking over the phone.

“Um…Danni’s going to harass me with the babies,” Peter said. He smiled at the sight of Ellen closing her eyes and nestling her face in against his hip, half-buried in the sheet. He removed his hand from her back and stroked her dark hair tenderly away from her temple as his heart thudded. Jesus, he was in love, he realised. Again. It kept hitting him. It was too overwhelming to even think about. 

“Oh, that will be fun,” Angie said, totally oblivious to what was going on. Peter should have felt bad about that, but he didn’t. Having Ellen made up for absolutely everything, and maybe that would fade and they would eventually become a boring old couple with very normal lives, but they would never forget where they came from, or how they came to be together, and that had to count for something. 

“Yeah,” Peter said, staying on track for Angie’s sake. “Are you jealous I’m going to be getting extra baby-time now?”

“A bit!” Angie admitted. “By the way, do you have a favourite baby?”

“No,” Peter said with a laugh. “I really like how focused Lucas is, but Ben has Danni’s spunkiness, and I’ve just realised that their colouring probably matches the parents they got those parts of their personalities from, so…they’re even.”

“Do you think Danni and Tony have a favourite?” Angie asked. “I used to think my little sister was the favourite.”

“All older children think their younger sibling is the favourite,” Peter said. “I know that’s what Deb thought my entire life. She still does, and our parents are dead.”

“Good point.”

“Twins is a bit different too, because they’re always going to be at the same stage. I reckon Lucas got looked after in a very particular way until recently, like they were afraid for his heart and not sure if he would need more operations – and he still might, I suppose – but I still don’t think Ben’s been lacking in any attention.”

“Not at all,” Angie said with a laugh. “They both have Danni’s huge smile too…so yeah that probably makes them even. Fair enough, just curious.”

“Are you still thinking about IVF?” Peter asked.

“It’s in the back of my mind. How about you?”

“I’m pretty sure IVF wouldn’t work for me because of my different bits,” he said. Ellen snorted into his hip and pressed her face closer to stifle her laughter. 

“How you and Danni ever manage to carry on a serious conversation between you I’ll never know,” Angie said pointedly. “I meant…do you ever wish things had been different with Danni in terms of having a kid when she got pregnant, or like, do you ever think about maybe meeting someone and doing that now?”

“Um…I don’t wish things had ended differently with Danni. She made absolutely the right decision in that case and we didn’t love each other, so bottom line is I’m not sure if that’s the sort of environment I ever wanted to bring a kid into in the first place. As for the other thing you asked, I can’t say I’ve thought much about it. I mean with everything going on, Oscar and uh, with Mac out there somewhere…it’s just easier to be single right now. That’s why I told Danni that I wasn’t ready.”

“Yeah, me too,” she said on a sigh. “Okay then, well my muesli is ready to go so I’ll talk to you later. Enjoy your first day of not being a police officer anymore!”

“Thanks Angie. Have a good day at work. Be safe, kid.”

He hung up the phone and wiggled back down into the bed until he was face-to-face with Ellen.

“Is that how you get Angie off the phone quickly?” she asked without opening her eyes. “Mention my name?”

“And sound as awkward and apologetic as possible while doing so,” Peter told her shamelessly. “We will be able to fix it though,” he assured her. “She’ll probably be so pissed off at me for lying that she’ll forget all about you being here.”

“Sure,” Ellen said with disbelief as she opened her blue eyes and smirked. 

Peter stroked her cheek and leant forward to brush his nose across hers. 

“Elle,” he whispered. “Are you sure you’re okay with us not taking any precautions? I know you said it’s safe right now, but you just say the word, okay?”

“Angie was asking about kids, wasn’t she,” Ellen said on a sigh. “I could tell.”   
Peter nodded and she added, “You must think this is really irresponsible of me.”

“Of us, sweetheart,” Peter said, teasing her with a grin as she chuckled. “But of course I don’t,” he added with a more serious shake of his head against his pillow. 

“It’s just that in my life I’ve barely been on contraception long-term,” she said. “I went on the Pill with Gene, but I stopped when I was in hospital with my arm and doped up on antibiotics, and the relationship was over anyway. Peter, I don’t like how it makes me feel. I don’t want an implant inside me either; I have two plates of metal and a half-dozen screws in me and that freaks me out whenever I dwell on it-”

“You and I always used condoms,” he said.

“That was back when my job was the most important part of my life,” Ellen said. “Call me a complete idiot if you like, but I don’t actually care if I get pregnant right now. Are you worried? Do you want to buy some? You can. I don’t mind.”

“Why did you go on the Pill with Gene if you don’t really mind?” Peter asked.

“Because he would have been a horrible father,” Ellen said simply. 

“And I wouldn’t?” he asked with a raised brow and hopeful, light-blue eyes.

“No, you would be wonderful,” she assured him. “I adore you.”

“Do you want a child?” Peter asked. “Do you want to be a mum, Ellen?”

“Peter, I’m never going to be one of those women that can come right out and declare, absolutely, that they want to be a mum. I’ve just never felt like that. I won’t even know if I can be a good mother until it’s actually happening. Eve gave me up from birth, my adopted mother never understood the kids she got given…my brother is a rapist, and I will never know if our cold family dynamic had something to do with it. It scares me; that a son I had might go out one day and rape a girl, and Michael and I aren’t even blood-related but I feel it, the pressure? I don’t know how to be a mum.”

“Ellen,” Peter said softly as he squeezed her hand. “You learn. My dad beat the shit out of me growing up. I hid bruises! I’ve grown up with that fear that I’m just like him, that one day I’ll turn into him and start hurting everyone I care about-”

“You never have,” Ellen said. “You’ve already proved him wrong by how you are with us, and how you’ve been with Angie, and how you are with Danni’s kids.”

“Then by that logic you should cut yourself some slack,” he said. He propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at her. “Because the whole time you were second in charge to Bernie and then running the unit at the factory, you were just like a mum to a whole bunch of grown-up kids, including me, and you were great at it.”

“Yeah right.”

“Yeah, I am right,” he said. “You were organized and no-nonsense but you still joked with us. You were kind, you made sure we got bandaged and stitched up, and you made sure we could come to you with any problems. Also, you said it yourself: you sacrificed your own life for years to make sure we stayed safe and that we got the very best out of our jobs and our lives. What does that sound like to you?”

“A Detective Senior Sergeant’s job?” Ellen asked. Peter rolled his eyes. “Oh okay,” she said on a sigh. “I loved you all. But that’s not the same as holding a little baby, Peter. That’s not the same as loving something that small, that much, and having to…oh my God, you’re going to make me cry if we keep talking about this.”

“Ellen,” he said on a whisper as he smiled and knuckled her chin gently. “If you didn’t know deep down that you could do this, then you wouldn’t have tears in your eyes right now, and you might have said, ‘it’s not the same as trying to love something that small’, instead of, ‘it’s not the same as loving something that small’.”

She stared at him for a long minute, trapped. He had her pegged, there.

“It doesn’t have to become a big deal,” Peter assured her. “No stress. We just go on not caring for however long and see what happens. We can stop it anytime.”

“What about my arm?” she asked. “I can’t, I mean if – if – it happened, what if I couldn’t hold her, or pick her up? I’d want to do that. I don’t remember mum cuddling me. I’m not even sure I wanted her to hold me. I don’t want that to happen.”

“It won’t,” Peter assured her plainly.

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m rushing you, because I’m not,” she said.

“Well I’m usually the fool who rushes in, or so I’m told,” he said, before asking in turn, “Do you feel like I’m rushing you on any of this stuff?” 

Ellen shook her head.

“Well I don’t feel like that either,” he said. “We’re just a bit crazy, that’s all. We wasted a lot of time, didn’t we?”

“Yeah,” she whispered. “I don’t know if I’d go back and change anything, to be honest, because I really like where I am right now. It’s just…we did waste time, and chances, and it was so sad for me to only realise what I’d had after it was over.”

“Me too. I was devastated. I’m sure Danni will tell you all about it.”

“Ha, I bet she will. But I don’t know when I became this soft, Peter.”

“You haven’t become anything that you weren’t already,” he said with a casual shrug. “After you helped Oscar, you just threw away the mask you used to wear at work. Maybe you wore a different one with Gene, I don’t know. Maybe you’d had the old one on for so long that it was really comfortable and switching was hard. Maybe it was easier to get around without a mask at all in Sydney, where no one knew you anymore and you didn’t feel like your parents were paying attention, or maybe you wore one when you were with them, too. But you came back here without any mask and you’ve chosen not to put one on again. I think that’s brave. You didn’t change, you haven’t gone soft or gotten weak; Elle, honey, you’re still totally you.”

“Have you always thought that about me?” Ellen asked. “Is that how you saw me back when we worked together, too? Is that how I came across?”

“It’s how I made sense of it when you said things that I didn’t think were true, or when you acted the opposite of how I knew you really were. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, I just…you’re right, of course. You’ve been right about me all along. I never thought I was that transparent Pete, but at the same time I hoped that I was.”

“I know honey, I saw you,” Peter said. “I was the sad old mate who didn’t think he was good enough for you, watching from a safe distance with his own mask on. I’m so sorry. We are so good together. Do you want to see how we go then?” 

Ellen nodded silently, and Peter reached for tear that had trickled out of one of her eyes and down towards her ear. She lifted a hand to brush the backs of her fingers gently across his eyelashes, keeping away a few of his, too. 

*


	30. Chapter 30

THIRTY

“I’m here!” Danni exclaimed with a flourish of her arms as Ellen opened the front door later that morning to greet her. Ellen grinned and laughed happily, before she took a nervous half-step forward and urged Danni into another hug. “Oh, a hug! I’m extra lucky!” Danni exclaimed as she hugged Ellen tightly and rubbed her back. 

“Are you child-free?” Ellen asked as they parted. “Peter’s just in the shower.”

“No, see the car on the path with all its windows and two of its doors open? That’s me. I just wanted to make sure now was a good time, and if it is, we better go get them before the mummy-police walk past and try to call the cops on me. Did you know I had some crazy, fitness-freak-looking woman park beside me at the shops the other day, and she gave me a lecture on how forward-facing child seats were illegal? I’m like, ‘Lady, they’re ten months old, I’m a cop’. ‘Ooh, you know best then, I suppose.’ I know this is a quiet suburban street, but bitches are everywhere!”

“Well let’s go then,” Ellen said with a wise nod and a gesture ahead of her. Danni turned on her heel and jogged back down the front path, through the open gate in the fence, and towards her car. 

“Oh good, no one stole them yet!” she shouted over her shoulder. 

Ellen laughed loudly as she walked more slowly to get there. She just did not want to be put in a position where she was asked to physically lift one of the children out of their car seats and then lean over to put them into a pram. 

However, that master plan of just carrying the baby bag was ruined when Danni piped up with, “Wanna carry one inside for me?” 

“Uh, how heavy are they?” Ellen asked as her cheeks flushed. She subtly moved her left wrist in a circle to loosen it up.

“Ten glorious kilograms apiece,” Danni said with a playful groan. She was leaning across the backseat with one knee on the seat and her bum sticking out, and when she finally shuffled back far enough to stand, she had Lucas in her arms. “This is my quiet and patient baby,” Danni said. “Just sit him on your right hip.”

“Oh, okay,” Ellen said. If she didn’t know better she would have guessed that Peter had sent Danni a message all about their morning conversation. He hadn’t of course, but Ellen was sure that Danni had at least picked up on the issue with her arm.

Her stretching, she realised suddenly. The previous night in front of the TV!

“Ellie?” Danni asked hopefully. 

“Oh sorry yeah, I just, I might need-”

“It’s okay. Here.” She stepped forward and placed Lucas on Ellen’s right hip so that his little legs wrapped around either side. Ellen immediately wrapped her right arm around him while Danni let go long enough to wrap one of Lucas’ arms around Ellen’s neck. He stared at Ellen with wide brown eyes. It was only the third time he had ever seen her, and she had no idea if he even knew he had seen her before. 

“There we go,” Danni said happily. She was happy enough to turn her back and get the babbling Ben out of his own restraints. “They’re like fat monkeys,” she said with her back to Ellen. “Lucas is used to being passed around and being faced with a lot of strangers because of all the nurses and doctors he’s seen, and he’s used to being touched and prodded and all of those things, so he settles a lot faster than Ben.”

“Which one is older?” Ellen asked as she stretched her left arm across her body to rest carefully against Lucas’ arm, so that he didn’t tip backwards. Not that she could really stop him if he did, but Danni was correct in that he was calmly sitting on her hip watching his mother collect Ben as well as the large baby bag. 

“Lucas is older,” Danni was explaining. “He was in first position and Ben was just kicking back, waiting to see what was gonna happen next, but I had to have a caesarean because of Lucas’ heart so it was all planned. It wasn’t an emergency operation, but of course they got Lucas out first and rushed him off for tests. We knew that was going to happen but it was relatively traumatic, because you can hear them all talking to each other, and there were a lot of people in the room. Ben was next, but it was so quick! So I got to hold the second-born first. It evens them up.” 

“I guess so,” Ellen said curiously. She watched Danni close the car up with a bag slung across her shoulder and chest and Ben on her right hip, and she then opened the boot with her left hand and yanked out the pram to carry inside as well. To Ellen, Danni looked strong and efficient and very business-as-usual, and she supposed that Danni actually went through this routine of heavy lifting multiple times most days. 

Still, Danni obviously had some faith left in Ellen because it was only when she slammed the boot of the car that she looked back at Ellen to make sure nothing horrible had happened to Lucas in her care. 

“Is he getting heavy?” she asked. 

“I think we can make it inside,” Ellen said with a droll smirk as Danni playfully stuck her tongue out. 

“You lead the way, I’m walking heavy. I’m usually low maintenance but I brought a lot of stuff. You can kick me out at any time, but I’m pretty hard to shake.”

“I’ve noticed,” Ellen said over her shoulder as she walked inside, careful of not jostling Lucas too much. His hand tightened around her neck and another grabbed a fistful of her shirt at her breast for balance. He let it go only to point ahead and try to say something; maybe because he remembered the house they were about to enter.

“What’s all this?” Peter asked as he stood in the open doorway to his bedroom with his arms folded and a smug smile on his face. “If Lucas is here, that must mean his delightfully noisy brother and nosy mother must be not far behind.”

“They’re coming,” Ellen said. “Here, can you take him?”

“Sure,” Peter said. “Lucas and I are buddies now.” He quickly stepped into the hallway and scooped Lucas up from behind with a playful growl that momentarily stunned him, before he started squealing and laughing. 

Ellen rolled her eyes as Peter spun him around and started tickling him. They headed into the living room while Ellen turned and headed back to where Danni was just crossing the threshold. She held her right hand out to collect the pram from Danni and then stood by to close the front door once everyone and everything was inside.

“Thanks Elle,” Danni said automatically. She hesitated and looked into her friend’s eyes. “Do you prefer Ellen, Elle, Ellie? What’s the deal?”

“Whatever,” Ellen assured her with a smile. “Peter uses all three interchangeably.”

“All right. I have been as well, I think. Also if I call you Mac, I apologise. Tony kept pulling me up on it all last night and all this morning.”

“It’s fine, Danni. I don’t see myself as Mac anymore, but I know that’s how you’ve always thought of me and what you’ve always called me, Angie too, so it’s absolutely fine. It’ll take some time. Come on in.”

“Good!” Danni said as she followed the sound of Peter and Lucas playing. Peter had dragged the coffee table to the side of the room and it left the rug between the couch and the television bare and readied for two small children.

“Still not crawling?” Peter asked when Ellen and Danni came in and Danni dumped the bag against the wall and put Ben on the floor next to his brother. They immediately started chatting. 

“No,” Danni said as she sat down. “It’s not a big deal. Ben’s always bouncing up and down on his bum, and Tony and I – their doctor as well – thinks that in all likelihood what he’s trying to do is skip crawling all together. One day he’ll grab onto something and haul himself up. And once one of them figures out how to do it, the other one latches on really quick and comes out with it as well…we’re not worried.”

“Good, I just don’t want them banging their heads on anything. So…I’m going to walk down the road and get us all really decent coffees, because I think we’ll need it. Maybe some croissants from that bakery too-”

“Croissants?” Danni said, laughing. “Fancy! Can you imagine if you’d walked into the factory one day and been all, ‘Hey guys, I bought croissants!’ I’m so tickled!”

“Ahuh, do you want one or not?” Peter asked dryly as Ellen chuckled.

“Well yeah!” Danni insisted despite her teasing. “And a cappuccino please.”

“Elle? Fancy a tea, sweetheart?”

“Um, can you grab me a peppermint one?” she asked. “I can make a black tea here if I want.”

“Okay, happy re-bonding. I’ll be back in a bit.”

Once Peter had left, Ellen and Danni turned to stare at each other with hopeful smiles on their faces. 

“That was subtle,” Danni said, gesturing towards the empty front hall. 

“He thought we might like some time,” Ellen said softly. 

“Sure.” Danni nodded. “How are you feeling this morning?”

“Oh, fine,” she said. “I’m so sorry about last night. I was a mess!”

“Are you kidding?” Danni asked. “Angie saw me on the side of the road, snuck up on me from behind, and called my name. Then she flung herself at me and burst into tears and I think I just stood there. I had thought I might see them that day, I’d wanted to, but even that didn’t prepare me for actually seeing them.”

“Thanks for being really good about it,” Ellen said with a simple shrug. “I’m okay with being spooked most of the time. Some kid even tried to mug me near the factory and I did everything right. I’ve just let my guard down so far in the last few days and I was vulnerable, so I heard a noise outside and it was you and I panicked.”

“I don’t think any less of you,” Danni said. “I don’t know if Pete’s told you but I’ve been getting professional help for over a year and a half now? There’s the post traumatic stress, and then when the boys were a few months old I got diagnosed with post-natal depression as well – though I think that was actually just the PTSD on top of all our concerns about Lucas and his heart surgery that was happening around then – and I’m still on anti-depressants. Trust me, I’ve been there, done that.”

“Well whatever you’ve been doing, it’s working.”

“So…Pete quit his job yesterday,” Danni said. “How’s he doing?”

“Okay I think,” Ellen said with a shrug. “I mean, he’s better than okay generally, but on the work front I think it will take time to sink in. We’ll have to wait to see what it’s like once he realises that he’s not just on a holiday-”

“Hang on,” Danni said. She cut Ellen off and stood to retrieve a few toys from the baby bag for Ben and Lucas, but she kept talking as she did so. “Did I hear you say last night that you only resigned a month ago?”

“Yes, I just used up all my leave. They offered me a couple of different options to return, but I decided to take a risk and not accept.”

“So you didn’t just run off into the sunset with Gene forever and ever?”

“Ah, well technically yes,” Ellen said on an embarrassed laugh. “But I also couldn’t bring myself to flat-out resign. I’m still a sensible person. He didn’t exactly sweep me off my feet to the point where I forgot myself completely.”

Danni laughed and nodded. She sat down on the rug with Ben and Lucas to roll a light, plastic ball between them all.

“Anyway,” Ellen continued more softly. “It was boring after awhile. He just wanted to party and lie around and there was a bit of drug use and I was struggling after everything that had gone on back here, but I didn’t feel like I could talk to him…and I got to the stage after about a year where I felt like I should be doing more. I started to feel like I was worth more and deserved more too, which was what I’d thought when I broke up with him the first time all those years back, but I really didn’t think so highly of myself two years ago when he happened back into my life.”

“Did he hit you or make you do drugs or anything?” Danni asked.

“No. I never took anything. He’s not a bad person; I needed him for as long as I needed him – I got to escape to another world – and then I didn’t need him anymore. That’s all.” She looked at Danni and smiled kindly. “How about you and Tony? What’s this I hear about you ‘talking me up’ to him? How did you meet?”

“He saw Angie and I testifying a few months before Oscar died and slipped me his card. I called, we dated, it got really serious really fast, we started making plans and I was about to introduce you all to him, I was even about to talk to you about a possible transfer sometime in the future, and then…kaboom! And we said we weren’t going to talk about the past, so that’s as far as I’m gonna go with that!”

“Okay,” Ellen said. She offered Danni a quiet chuckle, and joined her on the rug. She sat cross-legged beside her and Danni gave her the opportunity to roll a ball to Ben, who was bouncing up and down and making up words. “Peter’s right,” Ellen said as she laughed. “He doesn’t shut up.”

“It was a miracle that they both were quiet for as long as they were last night.”

“How did you do it?”

“Oh, new trick! Watch!” She clicked her fingers to get both boys’ attention and then put her finger to her lips and said, “Shh!”

Ben’s eyes went wide and he immediately copied her while Lucas pressed his lips together. The room went absolutely silent, and Ellen leant closer to Danni to whisper in her ear, without taking her eyes off the children.

“How long does it last for?” she hissed.

“Until I speak like normal,” Danni said, doing just that and then pulling a face at Ben and Lucas to make them laugh. They both giggled, and went back to rolling the ball. “They are my minions,” Danni said with a deep, mysterious voice. 

“They seem very well behaved.”

“For the most part, they are awesome,” Danni said. “We thought about a third, but we’re pretty happy with how things are and I think two is enough. Now, the wedding, I know you said you didn’t want to come… Is it because of Angie?”

“Yes,” Ellen said. “I can’t just show up there.”

“Well I thought about it,” Danni said. “Tony is booking in a date and time today so I’ll know soon, but it will be in a few weeks. If you’re not ready for that, or if you see Angie earlier and things go badly then you don’t have to come, it’s not a problem. It’s much more important for me to have the people I care about around me day-to-day, than it is to have them there for one afternoon. It’s been really helpful for me to re-establish contact with Peter and Angie – I’d missed my friends for two years – and I would really like to do that with you as well, Ellen.”

“I’d like that too,” Ellen admitted. She sighed and leant back on her right arm to gesture with her left at the scene in the living room. “I actually haven’t had any friends outside of work in about ten years. I held onto a few when I first joined undercover, but by the time Peter and I were over, those friendships were over too. I haven’t made any new friends in the last two years, just acquaintances.”

“I think undercover cops generally suck at making friends,” Danni said. “It’s a trust issue. Ten years is a long time though Ellie. I want to say I’m really sorry, but-”

“No, it’s okay, as Peter tells it I was busy running the unit and keeping you all alive, and that was the most important thing to me at that point in my life, so in a way it was worth it. You all were my friends. You are. I’m actually stunned that everyone has stayed together like this. Angie calls Pete every morning for a quick chat, they’ve been really close, Pete loves hanging out with you and I bet Angie does as well-”

“It’s great,” Danni said with a soft smile. 

“Just save me a piece of wedding cake?” Ellen asked with a raised brow and a curt smirk. Danni giggled and nodded.

“Oh yeah. Many, many pieces. And Tony really wants to get to know you as well, so we will have to do a few dinners or something? Whenever you’re ready. I know he’s a journalist but he’s got a well-developed sense of tact; he won’t ask probing or uncomfortable questions over the spaghetti bolognaise.”

“Oh good,” Ellen said, laughing as well. 

“I, on the other hand, have very little tact,” Danni pointed out with a wary grimace. “So can I please ask a probing and potentially uncomfortable question?”

“You can try.”

“What happened to your arm?”

“Oh,” Ellen said as she looked down at it. The ball had come to a stop nearby actually, so she reached out with her left hand and flicked it back to Lucas. He giggled and clapped as Ellen explained. “It was a spiral break of the radius and ulna about halfway down my forearm. Here, I’ll show you the scar.”

She rolled up her sleeve on a surge of courage and revealed the long, thin scar to Danni, who looked suitably impressed. 

“A spiral break,” she said. “Is that like figure skaters get when they’re spinning and then they fall and break their leg, and the bone kind of twists?”

“Yes,” Ellen said. “At the end of our relationship Gene and I were having a discussion, and I lost my balance and went overboard on his yacht which was anchored offshore way up north. He had a hold of my left hand and he didn’t let go, so I guess I must have flipped over, twisted around, I snapped both bones when my forearm slammed back into the edge of the boat, and my arm kept twisting.”

“So you must have gone overboard with quite a lot of momentum then?”

“We were having an argument,” Ellen admitted. “He might have shoved me over. We had an argument afterwards as well, because if he had just let go of my hand and let me fall into the water, I would have been wet, but fine.”

“Were your bones sticking out?”

“You could see them poking underneath the skin but they didn’t break it. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life…it was excruciating. It felt like I lost my arm. And of course we couldn’t just call an ambulance to come and get me; they met us at the nearest marina. Gene was good about it, he helped me pack as much ice on as possible and he knew it was bad and in the end it didn’t change the fact that we were over…In fact he pretty much put me into the ambulance with a bag of my stuff and off he went. I had surgery in Queensland; I’ve got plates and screws.”

“Charming fella,” Danni said. 

“Anyway,” Ellen said on a sigh. “I was told that how it is now is comparable to living with a gunshot wound. The bones have healed but there’s nerve damage that will be permanent, from my neck and shoulder down to the tips of my fingers. The forearm muscle is weak and I need to put more effort into my exercises. Sometimes it hurts badly, like really badly, and mostly it’s numb or tingly…but that doesn’t prevent movement as long as I don’t overdo it and I keep calm and warm. I was fine in the chilly factory too? But I was very relaxed there. So it’s unpredictable. I can’t pick anything up that’s heavier than maybe this plastic ball. I can’t even hold a camera or a full cup of tea in my left hand alone, it has to be in both, but oh well.”

“I saw you manipulating it last night while I was surveilling,” Danni said. “But you said the police offered you a chance to return…was that to office duties?”

“Yes. I had the interviews too, but I decided not to go back. I was probably ready then to say goodbye to Mac and to find something else out there for my life.”

“Good decision, but I’m sorry Ellen, that sucks…it has to be frustrating. Still, I’m sure you’ve adapted and I’m pretty sure Pete doesn’t give a shit, am I right?”

“You’re absolutely right,” Ellen said with a bright laugh. “Although he hasn’t seen me nauseated by the pain yet so that will be a new experience for him. Hooray!”

“Ah, the poor thing,” Danni said, laughing. “I’m sure he’ll handle it.”

“I’m not too worried, considering,” Ellen said softly as she blushed and drew a pattern on the carpet with her fingers. 

“Considering all the loooove?” Danni asked as she leant over and nudged Ellen’s shoulder with her own. “Dare I ask what is going on in this house?”

“I don’t know really,” Ellen admitted on an emotional whisper. She glanced briefly up at Danni’s eyes and shrugged. “I think we’re making a little home?”

“That’s wonderful,” Danni said quietly, her voice more soothing. “Truly.”

“Yeah, we um, at the factory that night, we said we loved each other right away, Danni, and he said that I could stay here in the spare room and I could set the garage up as a dark room for my photos – because I’d been using the factory for that-”

“I knew there was a reason his car was always parked in the driveway!” Danni said, interrupting the serious conversation with a big grin. She punched the air. “Yes!”

“Yeah,” Ellen said with a softer chuckle. “Um…and then yesterday after he got back from HQ I just kind of said, ‘let’s go to bed’, and we did, and it was…a lot.”

“A lot to deal with emotionally?” Danni asked. Ellen nodded. 

“Yes, and I feel like an idiot because I’m thirty-seven years old and there are probably sixteen year olds out there laughing at me right now, but I’ve never let myself feel actual love for any man while I’ve been in bed with them, and right up until it happened I wasn’t sure that I would even be able to do that with Peter, but um, I wanted to. So I did, or we did…I’m not good at talking about this, I’m so sorry-”

“Are you kidding?” Danni asked with a laugh. “This is like an exposé! I’m about to ask what you’ve done with the real Ellen Mackenzie?” 

Ellen pressed her lips together in a smile but didn’t bother to answer. 

“So,” Danni said as she reached out and patted Ellen’s knee. “You know that Peter adores you then. He’s been lost without you, actually. So worried about you-”

“I know,” Ellen said as tears filled her eyes. “There were reasons I left, I just can’t talk about them yet Danni. Peter knows, I had to tell him right away but I just-”

“No, no, it’s fine. It’s private, I get that,” she said. “That was just my attempt at the friend’s obligatory ‘please don’t hurt him’ speech, but I know that look in your eyes and you’re in love with him, so forget I said anything, it’s a moot point. Okay?”

Ellen laughed and nodded. She could not believe how kind Danni was being.

“Forget him,” she said, happily teasing. “I think I’m in love with you!”

It was then that Peter appeared in the hallway bearing a tray of paper cups and a large bag of pastries. Ellen and Danni looked at each other and burst out laughing.

“I’m sorry, but what?” Peter asked. “How long was I gone for?”

*


	31. Chapter 31

THIRTY-ONE

Angie laughed as she heard Danni grumbling from the change rooms. 

“It can’t be that bad!” she said. Beside her, Danni’s fourteen-year-old niece Alex rolled her eyes and chuckled. She was tall for fourteen and would probably be as tall as Danni, but she was much thinner; Angie thought in the past year or two she had probably grown upwards several inches without growing outwards at all. Her light brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she took a sip from her water bottle as they waited for Danni to finish getting into her dress. 

It was possible wedding dress number ten, and Danni was getting frustrated.

“It’s really awful!” Danni said. “If my breasts get any more hiked and pushed together then on the day, above my dress, all you’ll see is a lamb roast all cinched up around the middle.”

“I still think you should buy a strapless dress with a corset,” Alex said. “Just let the woman help you into it. Or we’ll do it. Your boobs aren’t that big.”

Angie looked over at Alex with a raised brow and a suspicious grimace. Alex pulled a face that very simply told Angie to keep her unsupportive mouth shut, and Angie chuckled, threw her hands up, and sat back in her chair with her legs crossed.

“Okay, this is bad,” Danni said as she appeared in her cream and gold halter-neck dress. She had one hand up behind her neck holding the straps more tightly than was ordinarily required, because she needed far more support than the flimsy material offered. 

Angie tipped her head back and laughed. Danni’s large breasts were indeed pushed very tightly together, and the waistline was very flattering, but the skirt was far too long and puffy.

“I’m just doing this for your own amusement, aren’t I,” Danni said primly as Alex cackled and reached for her phone. “Alexandra Antony you put that away.”

“Oh please, one picture!” she said. She even looked over at where one of the sales assistants was nervously hovering. “Please? It’s hilarious. Dad will just die!”

“You are not showing my brother pictures!”

“Okay, let’s recap,” Angie said sensibly when Danni rushed back into the changing room and slammed the door. “The ongoing debate about colour aside, you don’t want anything sleeveless and high-necked, with a lot of material over your sternum, because you’d look like a rectangle down to your boobs-”

“That was dress number four,” Alex helpfully pointed out. “The sparkly one.”

“Like Madonna from the late eighties,” Danni said when she reappeared in her denim skirt and the black singlet she had worn beneath her shirt. “All I’d need would be a water pistol and I could make an uber-cool music video worthy of Rage.”

“Oh, Rage!” Angie said with wide eyes as she leant forward and nodded. “I loved that show! I used to tape my songs onto VHS tapes, and then you’d wait until everyone left the house, and you’d play it really loudly with a cassette recorder nearby so that you could put it onto a mix tape cassette for your Walkman!”

“Oh God,” Alex said as she rolled her eyes. 

Danni laughed loudly and nodded. She looked between them both with her hands on her hips. 

“Okay,” she said. “Look, anything with straps isn’t going to work. I concede.”

“Wait, I win?” Alex asked with wide eyes, caught off guard by Danni’s sudden change of heart. “Really? Can I go and get some strapless ones with a corset? I swear Aunty Dan, you’ve got the perfect voluptuous sort of figure…Think Jane Austen, or Marie Antoinette!”

“It’s just that all those dresses look so over the top,” Danni said. “We’re getting married at City Hall, Alex. Even all the full length ones I’ve tried on today, they’re just too much. I don’t want my breasts bursting out over the top and I don’t want to be all sparkly and princess-like.”

“I’m not a policeman, I’m a princess,” Angie said under her breath as she playfully crossed her arms and made a stubborn, childish face of defiance. Danni cackled loudly as again Alex looked between them blankly. 

“Okay, go,” Danni told her. “Just please, be sensible!”

“Always Daniella!” Alex said with an Italian accent that Tony had taught her. She rushed out of the changing area towards the sales assistant, who had already heard the conversation and disappeared back towards the racks. 

Danni collapsed onto a seat beside Angie and groaned. 

“I can’t believe you’re ‘Aunty Dan’,” Angie told her. 

“I was an Aunty before I even became a cop,” Danni said. “It’s nice that she and David put so much effort into thinking of me as Danni now. I appreciate that. Actually, he’s a really nice guy Angie.”

“Oh brother,” Angie said on a sigh. “Is he nicer than Tony’s friends? Because I’ll only have so much time at your reception to crack onto every single man there.”

“God, he’s nicer than Tony’s friends. He’s a chiropractor.”

“Oh, does he do massage?” Angie asked with wide eyes, pretending to be suddenly interested if it meant her back and neck got a free daily rubdown. 

Danni chuckled and nodded. 

“Yeah,” she said. “And he has blonde hair and green eyes like me, but he has more of a square face like dad – I look like my mum mostly – and he’s forty, tall-”

“Are you talking about dad?” Alex asked as she suddenly appeared with her long, thin arms full of dresses. 

“Yes,” Danni said. “I’m trying to set Angie up with him.”

“Danni!” Angie exclaimed as Danni simply laughed and shrugged. Alex’s mouth opened wide as she stared between them. 

“Oh, really?” she asked. “If you get him to go on a proper date can you please tell me how? He’s so scared that if he brings any woman home I’m going to suddenly become this huge rebel and get lots of piercings and tattoos and do drugs.”

“He does not think that,” Danni said. 

“Yeah he does. Plus, he’s got it into his head that women in their thirties don’t want to get involved with a man who has a teenage daughter, because drama. He says they don’t want to be a step-mum and they just want their own babies-”

“Your dad would love more kids!” Danni said. 

“Well you know that and I know that but apparently these other hypothetical women do not know that, or he’s worried I won’t get enough love from them or something. It’s totally ridiculous.”

“Totally,” Danni agreed with a roll of her eyes. “So what are you holding?”

“Oh, dresses!” Alex declared with a happy grin. She did not seem at all bothered that Angie was still sitting there, having listened to the entire family conversation. “Angie, I got some for us as well, because I think Aunty Dan is going to love at least one of these and then we can get to the fun bit where we actually get to try on clothes. I know you’re not doing proper bridesmaids or anything, but we all still should look similar, because we’re important, right Angie?”

“Right,” Angie said with a sensible nod. “I was going to get a new dress anyway.”

“Okay, okay,” Danni said on a sigh as she hauled herself back onto her feet. She clapped her hands together. “What have we got?”

“Right,” Alex said. She went to Angie and dumped a handful of dresses off the top of her arms into her lap. “Hold these, please.” Then she turned back to Danni and held up two clothed hangers. “Behold, the strapless corset!”

“How do you know about this stuff?” Angie asked.

“This is the first wedding I’ve ever been to,” Alex said. “I always dreamed about going to a wedding and my aunty here has been keeping me in suspense for years now! As soon as she came and told us about the engagement finally and about her name too, I went out and bought a bunch of magazines with my pocket money.”

“She’s very enthusiastic,” Danni said unnecessarily.

“More than you!” Alex shot back with a playful laugh. “Okay, here are my two favourites. On the right you have a white, mid-shin-length strapless corset with no puffiness, but it might look a bit tight around your hips? I wasn’t sure, but they are both in your size! On the left you have a white, knee-length strapless dress with more of a flirty, twirly skirt, and I like the pretty gold detailing on the top half. Also, you have terrific, sexy legs and this will show them off! I don’t think that you’ll feel like your boobs are gonna pop out of either of them once they’re on, because they’re pretty damn tight. They have laces like shoes! ...But this shorter one here has less.”

“Okay but I don’t want you to tie me in,” Danni said. “Angie can help me.”

“Just because I don’t have any boobs,” Alex said on a sigh. “I know what they look like, I have seen you breastfeeding you know!”

“It’s okay,” Angie said as she stood and put the dresses Alex had dumped on her back onto the now-empty chair. “It’s just one of those important maid of honour duties. Why don’t you go and see if they have any dresses in a blue or a deep red or something? I think that would suit us both.”

Alex looked between the older women and realised that they were very tactfully trying to get some alone time. 

“Okay,” she said. “I see through your super-niceness, but at least it means I can be surprised by which one you pick. Also, that’s actually a really good idea Angie and you’re totally right. Call me when she’s in!”

“Thank you,” Danni whispered to Angie once Alex left. Angie chuckled and shook her head. “She likes you,” Danni added. “But she’s not lying about David worrying most women wouldn’t handle her. Precocious little thing.”

“How old was she when her mum died?”

“Five,” Danni said. “Now, I know just by looking at it that the longer dress she showed me is going to show up every lump and bump and wrinkle on my bum, so let’s go straight to the shorter one. It’s much more flattering.” 

“Are you having photos taken at all?” Angie asked curiously.

“Um, yeah,” Danni said. She wriggled out of her skirt as Angie loosened the bodice with the sales assistant’s supervision. “A really good friend of Tony’s is going to take some photographs beforehand. So once I have the dress, since Tony already has his suit, we’re just going to head out and do a private session. The plan is to have had some of them developed by the time we have the actual wedding, so they can be on display at Tony’s parents’ place for the reception. That way, people see them!”

“That sounds lovely,” Angie said. “And of course, there would have to be a tonne of photographers at Tony’s paper who he could wrangle for a favour.”

“Exactly,” Danni said. She chuckled and looked at the dress. “How are we going to do this?”

“It goes on over your head,” Angie said. “We’ll set it at your waist, then you can take your singlet off and I’ll lace you in. You didn’t put your bra back on?”

“No, it’s back in the little room. Should I start making preparations to have my lower ribs removed?”

“Oh stop it, it’s not going to be that bad,” Angie said. “You’ll look beautiful.”

*

Ellen could barely contain her broad grin the a week later when, just two days before Danni and Tony’s wedding, she led them from the city car park along William Street. She had not even told Peter where they were going. He was following her with a tripod under one arm and her second bag of camera equipment, and he was being followed by Tony pushing the twins’ pram while in his suit. Danni brought up the rear in her white, knee-length dress with gold detail, and she was also wrapped in a large, thick, green shawl to keep the wind and damp off her bare neck and shoulders. Her freshly highlighted hair was twirled up in a simple clip and her makeup was on, but she was dangling her white heels from her fingertips and walking in black flats.

“Yeah, we’re definitely going to Flagstaff Gardens,” Tony decided from the back of the group. “But it’s a cold and dismal afternoon, Ellen.”

“That’s the best light sometimes,” she said over her shoulder. “But we won’t spend much time outdoors. I arranged something special indoors.”

“It’s okay, I trust you!” Danni sang on a laugh as Tony sent her a look. “What? I’ve seen her photography from here and in Sydney in the last three weeks, thank you very much. It’s excellent! I want some photos of us as a family. You can’t control the weather, Tony.”

“Tada!” Ellen declared as they suddenly stopped. She threw her arm outward and watched it dawn on Peter, Danni and Tony where they were. “Tony,” she said. “I know this might feel like going to work, but it’s also where you met, is it not?”

“Well yeah,” Tony said with wide eyes. “Christ, I didn’t think of this.”

“That’s okay, I did,” Ellen said. “It’s nearly five so I thought we’d do some photographs out the front here, mostly of the two of you, with the red metal gating and the Supreme Court’s sign, and even maybe in the doorway and under some of the stone archways on either side. And then,” she continued. “I’ve gotten special permission for us to access a courtroom that’s not being used at the moment, and we’ll finish in there. I want you mucking about in the gallery, and it will be really fun! 

“We’ll have a guard watching us, but that’s fine. I came into the city this same time yesterday to do some planning and test the lighting out here and inside the room we’ll be using, so they know me now and they’re expecting us and I’m ready to go! We shouldn’t end up wasting too much time in the cold. Sound okay?”

“It sounds amazing,” Danni said in a soft voice as she stared up at the imposing, historical building whose façade was dominated over two floors by pale stone pillars and arches. A number of people were trickling out of the building since it was the end of the day, but she supposed that Ellen had anticipated and planned for that. “How did you get permission?” she asked.

“I used the telephone, came here in person for a meeting, and I pulled rank,” Ellen said simply. “I said I was a retired Detective Senior Sergeant who was now an event photographer, and that I had been hired by a serving officer and the city’s best crime and court reporter – Tony Belioni – who were getting married and who had met in the court, and would I be able to take a small group of four adults and two children into a courtroom after-hours for a quick photo shoot? They said sure, as long as we go through security and we’re escorted. I also discovered that there are fairy lights strung up in some of the trees around the corner on Lonsdale Street, so when we come out if it’s dark we might just duck around there, very quickly, for a final few photographs.”

“Okay, I’m going to hug you now so that you stop talking because this sounds amazing and I can’t wait!” Danni said, laughing at Ellen’s nervous chattering. She hurried forward and pulled Ellen into her arms. Ellen and Peter were dressed far more casually and warmly, in jeans and sweaters and boots and scarves, but Danni was no longer jealous, and she was actually looking forward to unwrapping herself. 

“I promise I’ll have some developed for two days’ time as well,” Ellen assured her as they parted. “The garage has been completely converted since you asked me to do this, I’m fully set up and I will be in there first thing tomorrow! I’ve got this.”

“Oh, we can tell,” Tony said on a confident laugh. “Sorry I ever doubted you.”

“You’ll get used to her excelling at stuff,” Peter assured him with a shrug. “And to think, all I have to do for your wedding is sign my name.”

*


	32. Chapter 32

THIRTY-TWO

Angie smoothed her palms down the front of her semi-formal navy dress as she observed herself in the mirror of one of City Hall’s many bathrooms. She could not believe that Danni and Tony were married. Married! The ceremony had been so fast, and it was surreal to think that despite all the build-up and the time spent getting ready, it had been over in a matter of minutes. 

Angie was just glad that she had held it together. Even though she shed a few tears when Danni and Tony exchanged vows, she had not fallen to pieces and she had not been devastated by thoughts of Oscar. She was proud of that; it was another accomplishment to add to her growing list as more and more time passed. That being said, she had stood there and felt herself longing to find that same kind of relationship with a man. Danni was so happy, and she could joke about the fact she was medicated all she liked, but Angie could tell that Danni was genuinely, simply happy. 

Angie wanted that for herself too. 

“Hey, you okay?” Alex asked as she walked into the bathrooms and stood beside Angie at the sinks, in her own navy dress that was a different style but the same colour. “Everyone’s ready to go and I was sent in here by Peter to get you.”

“Yeah sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Can I introduce you to my dad?” she asked hopefully. “He saw you.”

“Of course he saw me,” Angie said with a laugh. Actually, Danni had already briefly introduced her to David when they arrived but Alex hadn’t been paying attention. He did seem like a nice man, and he was extremely attractive, and just as Danni had described, with a square jaw, alert green eyes, blonde hair, a thinner smile than Danni, and he seemed intelligent and warm and down-to-earth. 

What the Hell, Angie thought on a tired sigh. What did she have to lose?

“Okay,” she said to Alex. “You can introduce us.”

“Yes!” Alex said. She grabbed Angie by the wrist and dragged her out of the bathrooms and back towards the group, which had shrunk. Tony’s parents, his Nonna, Tony, Danni and the twins had all left in order to get to his parents’ house to settle the twins there, start the reception, and greet invited family and friends who would be arriving without having been to City Hall for the main event. So Alex led Angie back to just Peter and David, and Angie looked around, surprised. 

“Wow, that cleared out quick,” she said. Peter chuckled and nodded. 

“Dad,” Alex said sweetly. “This is Aunty Dan’s best friend Angie, and Angie, this is David.”

“Uh, we’ve met sweet-pea,” David said, chuckling as he nevertheless shook Angie’s hand, again. “But we can do this again, sure. Hi Angie.”

“Nice to meet you David,” she said, blushing.

Peter laughed and patted Alex on her bony shoulder. 

“I see what you’re doing,” he said. 

“Oh, I’m not trying to hide it,” Alex shot back with wide, serious eyes. 

“Okay, let’s go and get lunch!” David said as he clapped his hands together. 

“No wait, do you want to hear what I just came up with?” Alex asked as they began walking. “You have to, it’s hilarious!”

“What is it?” Angie asked. She asked with caution, because Alex was barely containing a hysterical, hyperactive laugh. 

“Okay, get this!” she began. “You and dad are perfect for each other because you’re a cop and he’s a chiropractor.”

She then stopped talking and waited for them to figure out why, and finally Peter couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Why do those two things go together?” he asked. 

“It’s Angie’s job to crack heads sometimes and it’s dad’s job not to!”

“Oh my God, worst joke ever,” David said under his breath as Angie laughed and Peter rolled his eyes. Alex was giggling and David reached out and touched her arm. “Calm down, Alex.”

“Oh sorry, am I making a bad impression?” she asked more seriously as she did her best to stifle her giggles and walk upright. She cleared her throat and threw her shoulders back. “I really am an excellent daughter,” she said. “Very mature for my age. Well, my body doesn’t know that yet but up inside my head? Very mature.”

“Ahuh,” Angie said with a smirk as she met Alex’s gleeful eyes. Alex then held her hand out for her father’s car keys and once she promised him that she remembered exactly which parking garage she was to return to and exactly where in the garage they had parked, she skipped ahead. 

“Be careful!” he shouted as they made it onto the street and saw her disappearing towards the next block. 

“You wouldn’t know it’s her first wedding,” Peter deadpanned as David just chuckled and shook his head. “I take it she’s not normally like that.”

“No, but she idolizes Danni and she’s so excited. Um, listen Angie, Peter here has his car. I’d love to invite you to just come with us for the drive but I think Alex needs some chill-out time.”

“That’s fine,” Angie said. They had just met, after all. “We’ll see you there.”

“I hope so,” David said with a shy smile. “I better go catch up to her. Bye.”

“Bye,” Peter said. Once David was out of earshot he came up close to Angie to whisper in her ear. “Well-well. He seems nice. It’ll be like dating a boy-Danni.”

“Ew!” she said. She flicked her hand back and smacked him in the chest as he laughed and pulled away. “Where’s your car?” she asked, having arrived with Danni.

“This way,” Peter said, pointing in the opposite direction. 

“So how did you like the wedding?” Angie asked. “I saw you get teary!”

“Well yeah, it was sweet!” he said. “I’ve been engaged twice, I like weddings! Danni looked gorgeous and happy too, and I could tell Tony was really impressed even though he’d already seen her in her dress for photos.”

“She’s got a killer figure, so he should be impressed,” Angie said. “By the way, you’ve been skipping out on kick-boxing far too often in the past month for my liking. What’s going on?”

“I’ve been running with Tony.”

“Twice a week, Church. What are you doing all the other days, now that you’re not actually doing anything much at all?”

“I go for a walk along the beach every day, thank you,” Peter said on a laugh. “I’ve been doing some weights,” he added. “And cardio. By the time it gets dark and you’re skipping out on work, I’m thinking about dinner and bed!”

“Augh, old man syndrome in other words,” Angie said, playfully scoffing as she rolled her eyes. “Are you sure that’s it?” she asked. “You’re working out in the daytime now?”

“Yeah, what else would it be?” he asked. She glanced at him warily and shrugged. “No come on, what?” he asked. 

“I dunno, it’s like you’ve been in therapy or something. You’re…happy.”

“Uh-oh, someone call the police!”

“Stop it Church, I’m being serious!” she said as she stopped on the sidewalk and turned to face him. They were the best-dressed people on the city footpath for mid-morning on a Saturday. “Look,” she began. “Far be it from me to have some kind of single-white-female breakdown because my friend just got married, but you cannot possibly have improved your state of mind this fast. You’re…you’re you!”

“I know.”

“No I mean you’re the old you. You haven’t called me in the middle of the night now for like a month, you’re happy every single morning that I call, apparently you’re sleeping great and you don’t have nightmares anymore. They just went away magically when you moved house? You don’t dream about Mac being shot anymore? You don’t dream about her trying to find you, and you’re not able to get to her?”

“No I don’t,” he said honestly. 

Peter’s heart sank. He knew that Angie had noticed, but Ellen was really struggling with whether or not to tell Angie and Danni about Oscar, and whether or not she felt comfortable seeing Angie. Peter knew he had stopped talking about missing ‘Mac’; he had stopped telling Angie how worried he was and he had stopped tears coming to his eyes every time he thought back to the events of two years ago. 

He didn’t even cry over Oscar’s death, because finally he understood. 

“I guess I just made peace with it,” he told Angie as honestly as possible. He took her hands and gave them a warm squeeze. “Isn’t it a good thing I’m happy?”

“Yes of course,” she said hurriedly. “But are you sure? Are you on any medication? Are you seeing anyone?”

“Huh?”

“Like a therapist, like Danni does.”

“Oh, no,” he said, shaking his head. “No I’ve had to work this out on my own, but Danni’s really helped. Talking through things with her that she’s learnt in her own therapy has helped me a lot too. I’m not faking my happiness to humour you, Angie.”

“Are you sure?” she asked tearfully, her cheeks flushed. 

Peter shook his head and held his hand to her face so that he could brush his thumb across her cheeks to reassure her. They hadn’t properly connected in a while, he realised. They hadn’t even hugged. 

Peter pulled her into an embrace then, and he smiled to himself when he felt Angie’s breath hitch against his chest. He wanted so much to tell her, and she was still struggling even if she didn’t like to admit it. Maybe seeing Ellen would help? Even if she did have a brain snap and go off the rails for a while, in the long term perhaps that was the best thing that could possibly happen. 

“Are you all right?” he asked her. She nodded and looked up at him while she kept her arms wrapped around his waist.

“Yes. Sometimes I just feel like you’ve slipped away from me, but it’s just because we don’t see each other at work anymore. Danni’s theory is that you’re ready to stand on your own two feet and you don’t need me as much. I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

“I need you mate,” Peter assured her with an earnest smile. “I wouldn’t have made it this far without you.”

“Same,” Angie said softly. “So you’ve really made peace with Mac leaving?”

“One hundred percent,” he said. “I think she felt like she let us down, Ange. Remember what I said that night I called you, that she was loyal? And…if she left because she felt like she had failed, then I accept that I probably failed her at some stage too, because she should have always known that I never would think that about her. I don’t think she failed me, or any of us, at all. I think wherever she is, she’s just trying to figure out what her life is going to look like into the future, and she’s out there making choices, just like you and me and Danni.”

“Do you think she’s okay?” Angie asked. 

“Ah, Mac was always pretty resilient, isn’t that what you said once or twice?” 

Angie hummed and nodded, and her eyes skid sideways as she thought. Peter stepped back so that they were no longer hugging, but he didn’t let go of her waist. Her cool hands covered his and held them against her body, comforting them both.

“Ange,” Peter said softly. “Do you really think that she failed us? That she let you down? Be honest with me, please. You know how I feel about her, but-”

“Are you sure you want to know the answer right here on the footpath?”

“Yes, in detail,” he said. “I want an explanation. If Mac left because she thought that she had failed us, if she came back and said that to you, would you agree with her? Please tell me.”

“Not about Oscar,” Angie said softly. “Mac couldn’t have known that was going to happen to Oscar, she couldn’t have done anything to prevent it. What was she meant to do, foresee the danger and be there first and leap in front of the bullets to take a few in the chest? Of course not. However, afterwards, when I needed somebody to console me, somebody who I thought was my friend – she was my friend, Peter – and she wasn’t there? With no explanation, no letter, no goodbye. 

“Yes, she let me down. Yes, she failed me. If she felt that way about how Oscar’s death came about then I hope she’s since reflected on all this too, and come to the same conclusion. How could she think so little of us? It’s just like Shane. Shane knew his family would find him when he killed himself, he knew they would care; he knew that he was loved and he still…left. He’d had depression for a very long time and told no one, but still we’re only guessing based on a short, simple suicide note. 

“The mental illness made him do that, but I never thought Mac had those problems. I can’t think of anything that would explain why she thought it was okay to believe that we would all go on and have better lives without her. She didn’t even leave a note! 

“I hope Mac is alive, Peter, but I don’t know if I could ever trust her enough to let her in. I don’t know if we were even friends in her own mind, you know? And I don’t remember what I thought or felt about her – apart from the job – to make me think that we were. I don’t know if she could ever make me feel safe like that again.”

Peter exhaled slowly and nodded. That was a lot to take in. His heart ached. He was glad Angie had articulated it all but he didn’t know if he should tell Ellen; she would be devastated and it would only make her less likely to go to Angie herself. And as soon as Ellen did talk to Angie, then Angie would know that Peter had been fishing for information. He was stuck right in the middle and it wasn’t the best.

“I know it’s not what you want to hear,” Angie said when she saw his hesitant expression. “You’re waiting for me to one day magically announce that I miss Mac too and I remember the friendship so fondly and I forgive her for leaving. You might want me to make peace like I’ve been telling you to do all this time, and now you have, and I think that’s wonderful. I know this all makes me sound like a bitch. I don’t think that I am a bitch, but I also don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with this, and that is just something we both have to come to terms with. Is that okay?”

“We’ve had this talk before,” Peter acknowledged. “It’s still okay.”

“Good. Can we go and get some lunch now please?” she asked. “There’s a cute guy waiting who might actually ask me out on a date, and I’d like to embarrass myself in front of him by spilling food on this dress before the day is done.”

“Why? So he can lick it off for you? Spare me!” Peter asked, teasing her to make her laugh. It worked, and they walked casually hand-in-hand towards his car. 

*

Danni had been keeping an eye out for them, and as soon as Peter and Angie did arrive around the back of Tony’s parents’ house, she hurried towards them and pulled Angie into a tight hug. 

“Thank you for coming!” she said. “What do you think?”

Angie looked around at the pink and green streamers and white and gold balloons that had been strung up around the pergola, and she laughed happily. There was music playing from inside, and there were several long tables set up along the back of the house for food and punch and other drinks. About twenty different outdoor chairs were grouped around and Angie saw Tony sitting with Ben on his lap, presumably talking to a handful of men and women who worked with him. 

“I love it,” Angie said. Her eyes scanned the people that had arrived already, and she caught sight of Alex, who carrying Lucas and standing next to her father and grandparents; Danni’s small family clump. Alex had been looking around and smiled when she caught Angie’s eyes. She looked relieved to see that someone familiar outside of her immediate family was finally also there to talk to. 

“Come and see this,” Danni said as she took Angie’s hand and gestured for Peter to follow. Not that he had let on to Angie, but Peter already knew where they were going because he had been there that morning to set it up. At the far corner of the pergola there was a table that bore a few pens, brightly coloured post-it notes, a photo frame, and a piece of large white cardboard sitting on a small, table-top easel. 

“What’s all this?” Angie asked. There were instructions on the table as well, and a few people had already written on the post-it notes and stuck them to the cardboard on the easel. 

“This is our guest book,” Danni said. “You have to write some advice or a message and stick it on the easel so everyone else can read it – you don’t have to sign it – and then afterwards we’ll collect them all up and make something with them!”

“Like a collage?” Angie asked. 

“Yep,” Danni said with a laugh. “Go crazy! We might take photos of them all and make a small book of our own, mixed in with the casual pictures that will be taken today, something like that. I’m going to leave it up to our photographer.”

“Is he here?” Angie asked hopefully.

“She. And no, she couldn’t make it. But we have cameras here and I must get some fun photos with you two! We don’t have enough. Our photographer though, she took this picture on the table of Tony and I with the boys. What do you think?”

“Oh it’s cute!” Angie said as she leant over slightly for a closer look. 

In it, Danni was holding Lucas and Tony was holding Ben. It was nighttime and they were standing on a city street with fairy lights wrapped around a leafy tree in the background. They were all in the same clothes they were wearing for the wedding, but Danni’s added green shawl was blowing halfway off her shoulders in the night. The twins as well as Tony were all reaching out to stop it. Tony was laughing while the twins looked more urgent, and all the while Danni stood and pretended like nothing was happening. She smiled perfectly for the camera, as instructed. 

“That’s a keeper,” Angie said softly as she stood up straighter. 

“I know! And look!” Danni said. She pointed to the larger easels set up on either side of the guest book table. Both contained a large photograph tacked onto the easel to stop it blowing away. The one to the left was a portrait of Danni leaning up against an old building with her hands pressed into the wall behind her, to stop her dress getting dirty. Tony stood beside her and and his hands were animated casually as he gestured, mid-conversation. He was facing the camera but his eyes were turned sideways and slightly down, to meet hers. Danni was smiling directly at him with her mouth open, but it did not seem like it had been deliberately posed. 

“Is that faked?” Angie asked. “Your profile is perfect.”

“No,” Danni said, laughing. “I don’t remember what we were talking about, but she wasn’t meant to be taking pictures! We were chilling. Literally; it was cold.”

“Fair enough,” Angie said as she moved over to the right of the table, where the third photograph was definitely posed. It was the same size but had been taken as a landscape and it sat lengthways. Danni and Tony were sitting side by side in what looked like a polished church pew but Angie recognised it right away and gasped. “These photos were taken at the court!” she said. “Where you met!”

“Yeah!” Danni said with a grin.

“That’s a great idea!”

In the photo, Tony and Danni were sitting in a court gallery with about a metre of space between them. They were each turned slightly away from the other, as though they were trying to subtly avoid one another. However, their eyes were turned inwards and they were obviously looking at each other with awkward, uncertain, but hopeful looks. Between them on the wooden seat was a pair of handcuffs, Danni’s police badge, Tony’s phone, and a notepad and pencil that obviously represented his own job. Also, in Danni’s left hand she was holding one of Tony’s business cards; a commemoration of their first meeting with a quasi-romantic-comedy sort of feel.

“And you’re wearing rings in all these photos,” Angie said when she noticed.

“They’re our real ones too,” Danni said as she showed off her left hand, adorned with a white gold band, with a channel-set row of square-cut diamonds. “We basically told Superstition to take a holiday because we wanted them to look like we’d just had our wedding, when of course it was a couple of days ago. I hate when you go to a wedding and as a guest you have to hang around for two or three hours while photos are taken. These all took like an hour and a half, even with the kids.”

“Awesome,” Angie said. “I think they’re adorable Danni. Perfect. I can’t wait to see more once they’re ready. Pete, what do you think?”

“I love them,” Peter said honest, with a beaming smile. “I could not have taken better photographs myself.”

“Well that’s not surprising!” Angie said, teasing him. “You barely know how to use a camera and these are professional!”

“Right, right,” he said with a subtle smirk in Danni’s direction. “Why don’t you go and steal David away? I want to talk to Danni about something.”

“Sure,” Angie said. She went to walk away but Danni stopped her with a sudden hand to her bare shoulder.

“Wait, wait babe, you’ve got a hair running free.”

“Oh woops, thanks,” Angie said. She cast a smile over her shoulder at Danni before hurrying over to where Alex beckoned. 

Danni turned immediately to Peter, held the hair up and then let it fall. 

“A brunette hair,” she said with wide, serious eyes. “Peter!”

“I’m sorry!” Peter groaned as he ran a suddenly nervous hand through his own hair. He looked over at the photographs. They were adorable and perfect, just like Angie said, and halfway across town their loving creator was locked in his garage in the dark, alone, working on the rest while they all had a good time. He desperately wanted that to change, and he knew Ellen did too. That wasn’t meant to be their lives – her life – anymore. “I’ll talk to her tonight,” he promised Danni. He had to.

“Are you okay?” she asked softly. She reached out and rubbed his nearest arm in support when she thought he looked like he was trying not to cry. “She should be here, I know. Don’t feel you have to stay, Peter. I’ll cover for you if you want to go.”

“No, I’ll stay,” he told her. “Our friends just got married, after all.”

*


	33. Chapter 33

THIRTY-THREE

“So you think I should bite the bullet and just do it?” Ellen asked the next morning as she and Peter took a walk along the beach, as had become routine. 

He had told her about Danni finding the brown hair on Angie’s back from his car, and also parts of what Angie had said to him after the wedding. Yet he said that he didn’t want to tell Ellen everything, and that made her very nervous but she also had to respect his decision. He was in the middle of this chasm and he was trying to be honest with Angie without talking about this new significant part of his life. 

“It is getting harder,” Peter said. He reached down for her hand and gave it a squeeze. “For Danni as well. I felt so bad leaving you at home all day yesterday-”

“It was fine, honey, I sat at the laptop in the kitchen all day and enhanced photos and sorted and labeled them, and I put them on discs and USBs for everyone.”

“I know, that was so generous but it couldn’t have been easy.”

“I’m the photographer, it’s my job,” she said. 

Peter laughed and shook his head.

“Gee, some things never change!” he said. “Look,” he said as he wrapped an arm tightly around her and pulled her closer as they walked. “Wanting to work is one thing, but I don’t want you to always be behind closed doors while the rest of us old mates all have a good time. Do you know what else Angie said to me yesterday?”

“Beside the fact she thinks that I failed her by leaving and she’s lost confidence in her memories of what I genuinely thought was one of the best friendships I’d ever had? There’s more? Why don’t you tell me more, Peter?”

“A-ha,” Peter said, though he sighed when she tilted her head closer to his and sniffled. “Okay, stop walking,” he said. Ellen did stop and turned to face him. Her expression was stubborn and defensive but there was a lot of pain in her eyes that she allowed him to see. Peter took a deep breath and wrapped his hands around her upper arms while she stood with her arms crossed over her chest. 

“What?” she asked cautiously. 

“Yesterday Angie said that she didn’t know if she would ever be okay and maybe that’s something she and I have to come to terms with as part of our friendship. We’ve said it before. I’ve always agreed to those terms, partly because I had no one else in my life I could trust, but that’s not the case anymore. I was watching her have a good time yesterday afternoon but I kept thinking about how she likened you leaving us all to Shane’s suicide and what that did to his family – worse apparently because you didn’t leave a note – and I was sad, at Danni’s wedding. I can’t think like that now even if I have spent two years grieving for you Elle-”

“She said that?” Ellen asked with a raised brow. “You agree?”

“I don’t agree with her but I also can’t keep lying to her. So, when you’re ready, I think we need to tell her that you’re here, and if it means that we walk away, or if she walks away…we need to let that be her choice now. Ellen, I know perhaps you’re still not ready but I love you, Danni loves you. We can have your back, we can be there if you want, or we can be nearby-”

“I’d want Danni to know it’s happening,” Ellen said. “In case Angie goes to her for help. She’d need to understand what’s going on.”

“Of course.”

“I don’t want Angie to be ambushed. I care about her, I-”

“I know and she won’t be,” Peter said gently. “Danni and I can apologise for not telling her at a later time, but I need Angie to know the real reason why I’m so happy, why my nightmares have stopped, and why suddenly I feel like I’m the strong one. I’m proud of this thing we’ve got, Elle, it’s been over a month-”

“I have been putting it off,” Ellen said. She bit her bottom lip. “I wanted to wait until after the wedding because, well…I didn’t want it to ruin the wedding!”

“Danni and I both know that and we agreed, but it’s over now and if Angie had found that long, brunette hair on her own arm it would have taken just seconds for shit to get very real very fast. What if she drops by? You should feel safe and comfortable answering your own front door. We need to tell her now.”

“Okay,” she said softly. “So, when you say now…I guess tonight or tomorrow might work? I’ve actually been self-indulgent this past few months back in Melbourne, looking after myself and my own interests and, well, I owe it to her.”

“Tonight? Are you sure?” Peter asked. “That’s really fast.”

“You just told me we’d waited long enough!” Ellen said with a laugh at his suddenly terrified expression. Yet she knew why he was afraid. He didn’t want to lose his friendship with Angie, and suddenly the prospect was right there in front of them.

Tonight.

“Do you want me or Danni there?” he asked. “Because there are two options, I think, or at least the best two I’ve been able to come up with so far.”

“What are those?”

“That you go to her alone. I’ll arrange to meet her somewhere and you show up; somewhere neutral, like here, so you’re not walking into her home or anything.”

“And option two?”

“Our place, or Danni’s place. We invite her over, and you’re either there when she arrives or you’re out of sight and we just…tell her. All of us together.”

“Which one do you think she’ll respond better to?” Ellen asked.

“I have absolutely no idea,” Peter said, laughing and shrugging innocently. 

Ellen chuckled and ran her fingers through her loose hair. Shit, she thought.

“It’s up to you how much you want to tell her as well,” Peter continued. “Bearing in mind Danni doesn’t know about Oscar yet either.”

Ellen sighed and crossed her arms again as she turned to stare out at the ocean. She remembered being on the boat with Gene and watching the city as it had passed her by on that ocean, and she remembered staring into a similar shade of blue as Gene rushed her back to the mainland after she broke her arm, even if he hadn’t been in a fit state to drive a boat. She had looked into the water’s various shades of blue so many times over the past two years and thought about Oscar sitting in her office, the way he had clasped his hands together and looked at her with an innocent-yet-all-knowing, frightened, pleading expression on his face. What was she supposed to have said?

“If I get this all off my chest,” she whispered. “Then it’s done, right?”

“Yes, it’s done.”

“And it can be at our house?” she asked. “In our home?”

“If that’s where you’re the most comfortable.”

“And if Angie and Danni walk out, if they need to leave…you’ll stay?”

“Oh Ellen,” Peter whispered as he rubbed her back and nodded. He was standing beside her, just inside her periphery, and she saw him out of the corner of her eye. “I’m staying,” he promised. “I am staying.”

“If I can’t do it, I might need you to take over,” she said on a choked whisper. “Even if Angie hates you for the rest of your life.”

“I will do that,” Peter said. “I’m finally okay with that possible outcome. I was at that wedding yesterday, and what Danni and Tony said to each other…it could have been us up there. I wanted it to be. I wanted you there at least so I could have caught your eye and smiled and then sat back in a couple of outdoor chairs for a barbeque like a normal couple surrounded by good friends and family, just kicking back and Jesus, why should Angie get the pleasure and not you? You did something way more brave and special than any of us, and Oscar came to you for this. Oscar trusted you.”

“Then you better get Danni on the phone before I chicken out,” Ellen said.

“What about the tapes from Sydney?” Peter asked, suddenly remembering.

Ellen started laughing and covered her flushed face with both of her hands. 

“Oh God, I lied,” she said. She dropped her arms to her sides and looked over her shoulder towards him. “I lied to you Peter. I have the tapes. I brought them with me. I was afraid that if I said I had them in my bag, you’d want to listen to them straight away, and I just couldn’t bear it. I’m so sorry. It’s the only lie I’ve told this whole time and it’s so stupid!”

“Where have you hidden them?” he asked with a frown. “I thought I’d notice a couple of tapes and, I’m assuming, an old tape recorder to play them on.”

“It’s wrapped up safely in a box of stuff in the dark room,” Ellen said. “In the garage. I have never listened to them Peter. I’m actually not even sure what sort of quality they are, or if they still work, because they’ve been everywhere with me. But I can have it set up and ready to go, and we’ll see. It will mean listening to Oscar’s voice. It will mean…a lot of grief, I think.”

“They’ll do the talking for you, though,” Peter said gently. “If it saves you grief, if it brings Angie some sort of closure, and Danni and me as well…then it’s worth it. Right?”

“I’m scared,” Ellen whispered as she turned her head back to stare at the ocean as she blinked back tears. “I almost have no idea why, other than that I don’t want her to hate me, and how juvenile is that? Since when do I care about being liked?”

“We don’t have to do this tonight,” Peter said. “When I said ‘now’ I meant-”

“Just do it,” Ellen said. “Please Peter, let’s just do it. I wanted to be there yesterday as well. I wanted to be at my friends’ wedding. It’s why I went to such trouble with the photographs. I wanted a part of me to be there.”

“Well it was,” Peter said. He reached into his pocket for his phone, took a deep breath, and clutched Ellen’s left hand as he held the phone to his ear and waited for Danni to answer. 

“Good morning Peter,” Danni said smoothly, with one of the babies squealing in the background. “Guess who just mastered the art of saying mumumumumum while reaching out for his mummy?”

“Uh…Lucas?” Peter asked. 

“Oh damn, everyone knows he’s a genius already Tony!” she shouted over her shoulder. She laughed along with Peter and accepted his congratulations. “What’s up?” she asked. “Oh! Before I forget, I have to tell you this!”

“What?” he asked. 

“One of Tony’s friends is engaged, and he wanted to know all about our photographer because he and his fiancée would like some fancy-schmancy engagement photos taken – you know, couples kissing in a field of wheat – and possibly also wedding photos. He was just so impressed by the three photos we had, as were we all…you did tell her that, right? I hope you went home and told your beautiful partner for hours on end about how blown away I was when I got to the in-laws’ place after the wedding and saw them for the first time. You told her, right?”

“Yes, I told her. For hours on end.”

“Good man. Anyway, a job like that, do you think Ellen would be interested?”

“Paying?”

“Of course,” Danni said. 

“I think she might be,” he said. “I’ll ask her later. We have discs and USBs for you apparently. Ellen spent all day yesterday on the computer-”

“She’s finished?” Danni exclaimed. “Holy Hell! Do you know how long it takes to get wedding pictures from professionals? Weeks, Peter. Months. What is this, a three-day-turnaround express service for good behaviour?”

“It wasn’t like she had an entire wedding day of film to go through.”

“Oh yeah, fair enough. Still. Thank you!”

“Can I please get a word in now?” Peter asked, laughing at Danni’s ability to take control of a conversation without even realising it. 

“Sorry! You called me, I’m sorry, we’re just a bit excited here!”

“You’re allowed to be excited, Mrs Daniella Belioni. But listen, serious time-”

“Uh-oh.”

“Free tonight?”

“Technically,” she said. “Besides the whole husband and children thing I have going on here. Why?”

“Do you know if Angie is free?”

“Uh-oh,” Danni said again. “Why?”

“Our place, four o’clock. We’re telling her.”

“About Mac?”

“Yeah, about Mac,” Peter said with a chuckle. “Whose name is Ellen-”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, I did it again! I’ve been so good!”

“Danni, we want you here,” he said. “Ellen really trusts you and she knows you have just as good a relationship with Angie as I have these days; you might be able to help if it goes badly. Also, we need to keep Angie in the house with us long enough to talk to her, to both of you really…there’s actually something important that we haven’t told either of you, and it needs to be done at the same time.”

“Oh,” Danni said softly. “Something important you need to tell me too?”

“Yes.”

“What about? Are you guys…I mean, are you all right?”

“We’re absolutely fine,” Peter assured her. “It’s about back then.”

“Oh!” Danni gasped suddenly. “That first night, oh wait no, the next day when I came back and we talked, Elle said something about how she’d told you something right away because she had to, but she couldn’t tell me yet, and I said that was fine-”

“We are so grateful for that extra time,” Peter said gently. “But we need to tell you and Angie today. Ellen would like for you to be there.”

“Okay, um, four o’clock at your place? I’ll be there, Peter. Is she with you?”

“Yep,” he said.

“Is she freaking out?”

“Ahuh,” he said with a sad smile as he gave Ellen’s hand another firm squeeze. She was tense, her fingers were balled into a fist, and he massaged along the bones in the top of her hand to try to relax her. She wasn’t looking at him, however, and was instead staring stubbornly out at the water sparkling in the morning sun.

“Okay. Don’t tell her about the possible job yet, just let her focus, but please remind her that we adore the photographs and there’s no rush to get them to us-”

“You can take the digital copies tonight. Leave the kids with Tony, Danni.”

“I will, I will. This sounds like it’s a big deal piece of information?”

“Sort of,” Peter said cautiously. After all, it wouldn’t change anything. 

*

“What is it?” Tony asked with wide eyes once Danni explained the conversation she’d just had with Peter. “I mean, what do you think it is?”

“I have no idea,” Danni said. “But I have to be there at four. Is that okay?”

“Of course.”

“It must be something about the unit,” she reasoned aloud. “Maybe why we closed? Or maybe something to do with Oscar? Maybe she knows who actually did it, who killed him? But if she knew that then she would have turn them in, because we’re police and Ellen is not a crooked cop…Peter sounded really serious though, apparently Elle is freaking out but she wants to do it today so okay then, I’ll be there.”

“Why today?” Tony asked. 

Danni rolled her eyes and playfully whacked him over the back of the head. 

“Because she was waiting until after the wedding, obviously. Whatever they have to talk to me about, the main part of this afternoon is to let Angie know that Ellen is back in town and shacked up with Church in a big way. Angie and Peter were both coming to the wedding. What do you think would have happened to the happiness and tranquility of our wedding day if sometime in the last four weeks or so, Ellen showed herself to Angie and Angie realised that Peter and I had known for weeks and Ellen and Peter were in a relationship and nobody told her? She is going to flip out. Oh my God, she is going to-”

Danni was still holding her phone and paused when it beeped. She read the message and then held it out to Tony. 

“See?” she said. “Angie writes, ‘Hey Danni are you going to Pete’s this arvo? He just texted, said it was really important and I needed to drop everything and come at four. Do you know why?’”

She quickly typed back, ‘Yes I’ll be there. No idea why’. 

“We found that hair of Ellie’s on Angie’s back from when Peter gave her a lift yesterday,” Danni continued to explain to her husband. “I bet Peter went home and he’s had a talk to her about how this needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later, and in her efficient, infinite wisdom she has just gone, ‘fuck it, today then’.”

“Well at least it will be all out in the open,” Tony said. “You won’t have to pretend to Angie that you’re not in touch with Ellen, and Peter won’t have to do that either, and neither will I – hooray for me!”

“Can you handle the two boys for possibly a few hours? You might have to get them to bed.”

“Sure!” Tony said. “I have a lot of work to do with them. I need to teach them how to say dadadadadad!”

Danni laughed and winked at him coyly. 

“I dunno, mummy’s the clear favourite. She’s winning!”

“Nobody wins until both boys can say it!” Tony insisted. “We made a deal!”

“Oh all right,” she said as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Can we please bathe them before I go? That way it’s done and I can get out of here on time?”

“Ah, sharing a bath. The first day of wedded bliss!” Tony declared wistfully. 

“Yes it’s very romantic,” Danni said, giggling at the look on his face. “But baby bath time is always fun and I need to soak up some fun before I leave. I don’t really know what’s going to happen this afternoon and I don’t know what Pete and Ellen have to tell me specifically, but it’s definitely not going to be fun.”

“Less fun for them, I bet,” Tony said. 

“Remember how scared Ellen was when we first found her?”

“I’m sorry, we?” Tony asked. “You. You found her. You snuck over to their house with the children and peered through her back door like a stalker!”

“Yeah but remember how insistent they were that we not tell Angie? I’m almost certain that Angie said something to Peter about Mac yesterday at the wedding, or just after it in his car, because he actually looked pretty down for parts of the afternoon, Tony. I saw him watching her carefully. Something’s happened. Maybe he’s ready to just tell Angie and stick with Ellen in an ‘all or nothing’ showdown!”

“Okay well, let’s not get too Wild West. Stay calm and let’s keep busy for a few hours with the boys, and I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough.” 

“Oh, I’m sure of it,” Danni said warily. 

*


	34. Chapter 34

THIRTY-FOUR

Peter and Ellen stood side-by-side and shoulder-to-shoulder as they stared at the miniature cassette tape recorder and player that was sitting in the centre of the coffee table. It was the size of a rectangular bookmark and the tape was already inserted into the black casing. Beside it lay a four-pack of batteries that had only two batteries left waiting, just in case; two were also already inside the machine. 

“I pictured it bigger,” Peter said. 

“Considering how important it is, it probably should be bigger,” Ellen said. “I probably always made it seem a lot bigger. I say ‘tapes’ but really it’s just…that.”

“We’re going to hear Oscar’s voice.”

“Yeah,” she said softly as she massaged her left arm and winced as it tingled. “What’s the time?” she asked. 

“Five minutes to four.”

“Be right back,” she said. She hurried into the bathroom, opened the cabinet and retrieved her tube of Deep Heat. She quickly squirted some of the cream into her right hand and rubbed it up and down her arm. It wouldn’t do much for her nerves or the anxiety-induced shaking, but it would hopefully manage any cramps. It would do.

“Sore?” Peter asked from the door as he watched her. 

“Precautionary,” she said. “I wasn’t even this stressed breaking into the factory! That was therapeutic and relaxing!”

“Ah, that’s because you learnt how to pick a lock from the master,” Peter said with a grin, just as there was a knock on the door. He rushed into the hall.

Ellen’s blue eyes went wide and she sank her teeth straight down into her bottom lip. She waited. She slowly returned the cap to the cream and the cream to the cabinet and shut the cabinet door softly, all as though she was trying not to be heard.

“It’s okay, it’s Danni!” Peter called from just a few metres away. 

Ellen exhaled deeply and stepped out of the bathroom to greet her. 

“Hi Mrs Belioni!” Ellen said with a smile. “Or should I say, ‘mumum’?”

“Hello!” Danni said. She hugged Ellen tightly. “I wanted to get here even earlier but I got held up with the boys. Are you okay? Do I smell Deep Heat? Ergh.”

“Yeah sorry,” Ellen said as she stepped away and showed off her glistening arm. “I hope I didn’t get any on you.”

“That’s okay, Tony uses it for his knees and his elbow. Because that’s what you get for playing tennis for twenty years. So, what’s the plan?”

“I’m just going to stay in our room and try not to hyperventilate.”

“Okay,” Danni said with a gentle chuckle. “Peter knows the drill, I guess? I’ll just nod and smile and look pretty?”

“Yes please,” Ellen said. 

“Go and sit down, Elle,” Peter assured her kindly. He grabbed her elbow and leant in to kiss her lips. “I’ll come and get you when we’re ready, okay? Once Angie is here, it won’t be long. We won’t drag this first bit out.”

“Thanks,” she said. She turned and walked into the master bedroom and slowly, quietly, shut the door. 

*

Ellen did not sit down once she was alone in the bedroom. She began to pace and she continued to rub the cream into her arm to stave off a fully-fledged nerve attack that was crippling and nauseating at the best of times, let alone at this time when she desperately wanted to be just like her old self under pressure; full of confidence and wisdom, perfectly presented, and with a no-nonsense look about her that people knew not to question even in the face of possible disaster.

In the last week Ellen had actually felt like that again. She had been so pleased with how the photo shoot turned out for Danni and Tony, and she had been so successful in bundling everything up very quickly. She had felt like a professional. She even had a nice few days with Peter in the lead-up to the wedding; they had fit in longer walks on the beach and made love during the day and cooked dinner together. They did those things all the time, but it finally felt settled and mature and normal for them. Her new normal. She felt as though she was in the right place at the right time.

She wasn’t sure she felt like that anymore.

Ellen tried to focus on something, anything, to pass the time for these few minutes. Her mind tracked back to the beach that morning when Peter had been talking about the wedding. He’d said that the previous day he had listened to Danni and Tony exchange vows and thought that it might have been them up there one day. He wanted it to be. Ellen knew that. She wanted it too, and she hadn’t realised how much until she had sat at home and glanced at the clock and realised that in the city centre her friends had been in the process of exchanging vows, and she wasn’t there.

It mattered that Danni had come, though. She was there now, Sunday afternoon, even though Ellen had skipped out on her wedding. Like Danni said, that was more important. She was there and she would help, because Ellen wasn’t sure she would be able to speak. Her shoulder was starting to ache from the stress and the tension she was holding in her upper back. It was gathering beneath her shoulder blades and knotting around her neck and the top of her spine like a creeping vine. 

She wished there was an ensuite so that she could safely walk in there and throw up from the anxiety too. When had she lost her nerve? Ellen did wonder if she had talked herself into a fear that was way out of proportion to Angie’s likely response, on the basis of things that Peter and Danni had said, but it was hard to misinterpret the things that Peter had told her and he was definitely hurting as well. 

So Ellen had to get through this for him too. It wasn’t fair to ask him to lie. She had never intended for anyone to be lied to, she had always intended to explain this to them all if she chose to return to their lives. That decision had been taken away from her somewhat, but they were still entitled to know even if she wasn’t ready and they hated her for it. She had tried in letters and failed. She had to try in person. 

*

“Come this way,” Peter said. He put a hand to Danni’s lower back. “Thanks for coming on such late notice.”

“That’s fine. Elle looks like she’s about to pass out.”

“Yeah, she’s been deteriorating since we decided to do it. I dunno if she’s ready but you know what she’s like. Stubborn once she makes her mind up.”

“What’s the tape recorder for?” Danni asked. 

“Oh, not important yet,” Peter said. “Let’s just focus on this first bit. Listen, if this goes really, really badly and Ellen does faint, you need to handle Angie for me.”

“Sure,” Danni said. “I’ve been preparing myself to do that since you called. What if Angie faints? Because that is also a distinct possibility.”

“Then one of us is gonna try and catch her. Got it?”

“Got it,” Danni said with a nod. “I’m your backup-” She stopped talking when there was another knock on the front door. “You get that,” she said. “I’ll wait here.” 

*

“Hey again,” Angie said. She stood out the front and smiled widely at Peter. Her hands were on her hips. “So, I dropped everything. I’m here. What’s going on?”

“Hi, come on in,” Peter said, unable to help the tremor in his voice as he reached out to guide her inside and shut the door behind her. “Down the hall.”

“I think I remember where your living room is,” Angie said, laughing over her shoulder as she strolled inside with her handbag dangling from her fingertips. “Danni!” she said when she saw her friend. They hugged tightly, and Peter hung back in the hallway and glanced at the closed bedroom door. He knew that Ellen could hear all of this, if she wanted to, or perhaps she was deliberately trying to block it out. 

“What’s going on?” Angie repeated. “Family conference?”

“Actually, yes it is,” Peter said, taking his opening. He walked properly into the living room and invited them both to sit. He stood by the television with his hands on his hips as Angie and Danni sat side-by-side. Angie let her bag rest at her feet and clasped her hands expectantly over her knees. “Uh,” Peter began as he watched her. “There’s something I have to tell you. Actually there are two really important things I have to tell you. The first one, well it might seem a bit overwhelming to begin with, but the second one is more important, so you need to stay with it, with us. Got it?”

“Ahuh,” Angie said warily as she cast her eyes over towards Danni. “Why is he only speaking to me?” she asked. “Why am I beginning to think this is bad?”

“I know part one,” Danni admitted quickly. “I have no idea about part two.”

“Okay,” Angie said. She took a deep breath and sat up straighter as she stared into Peter’s eyes. “Tell me. Are you sick? Because that would explain a lot, like your changed mood, your retirement. Is it cancer? We went through this with Oscar, and he tried to hide it for way longer than he should have or needed to. You can tell us.”

“I don’t have cancer,” Peter assured her. “I don’t think! No, no, I’m fine.”

“He really is,” Danni promised as she reached out and laid a hand on Angie’s thigh. She kept it there, she didn’t remove it, and with her free hand she gestured for Peter to simply walk down the hall and collect ‘part one’. He may as well do it before he started laughing nervously and fully freaked out Angie, Danni thought.

Peter looked into Danni’s calm, steady eyes and nodded. He disappeared from the living room without another word. 

“What the fuck is going on?” Angie asked Danni desperately, her eyes wide. 

“Give it a minute,” Danni assured her, squeezing her thigh again as Angie clutched her hand tightly. Danni felt sorry for her then. The poor woman was about to be blindsided, and it was going to be so easy to blame Ellen for that too.

*

“Ready?” Peter asked as he opened the bedroom door. Ellen was sitting on her old couch, now her favourite spot to read in the afternoon, and she turned her face to reveal what Peter assessed as deathly pale skin. She was clearly shaking. “You can do this, Ellen. She doesn’t hate you that much. It’s still just Ange.”

“This is not about me, Peter. They both will be so upset about Oscar.”

“Come on,” he said. He walked into the bedroom and crouched in front of her. 

“My arm really hurts,” she said. “I’m tense, it’s seizing up, I hate this-”

“I know,” he said sincerely. It was hard to watch her cradling it as though it needed to be in a sling across her chest. “Come and sit in the living room. You don’t have to do anything else. Danni and I are here. I’m so sorry we’re doing this today-”

“No, I have to,” she said. “This bullshit with my arm would happen anytime; sometimes it happens for no reason at all. Today, fuck it, I have to do this now.”

“I feel like I forced you,” Peter said sadly as he tucked her hair behind her ears and watched her eyes fill with tears. She shook her head forcefully. 

“Peter, I won’t have her thinking that I’ve killed myself, or that whatever I’ve done was worse than killing myself. I did my best. I want her to know I did my best. I was doing my job and I tried so hard. That’s all I ever wanted all of you to know.”

“I know, but come and tell Angie with me, okay? She’s right down the hall.” 

“I don’t want her to know about my arm,” Ellen said. “I don’t want pity, I don’t want her to see it. It’s fine. I don’t want her to say I’m weak just because of it.”

“She won’t,” Peter said, even though he wasn’t sure that was true.

“Peter,” Ellen said as he stood and helped her to her feet. 

“Mm?” he asked. 

“I could really use my work mask about now.”

“Well, where did you leave it?” he asked, innocently going along with the gentle joke as they walked slowly into the hallway. 

“With Oscar, because he needed it more,” she said simply. She nodded then, gathering what she could of Oscar’s own courage, and she folded her right arm over her left across her chest. She could hold herself together. “I just walk out?”

“Yep, just go for it Elle. I’m right beside you.”

Ellen saw Angie before Angie saw her. Angie’s head was downturned as though she was staring at her lap, but Ellen saw Danni looking around and Danni offered her a reassuring smile. She must have gripped Angie’s hand or something because Angie looked up then, just as Ellen got to the back of the couch. She walked carefully in bare feet towards the armchair they had brought into the living room a couple of weeks earlier, and she sat down and curled up on it without saying a word.

She couldn’t. Whatever courage she had found thirty seconds earlier thanks to Oscar was gone, because all of a sudden Angie was right there sitting on the couch beside Danni, and she was lively and beautiful. Her blonde hair was freshly highlighted and her blue eyes were bright but startled. Her normally fair skin looked tanned. Her heart-shaped mouth was open and her jaw was slack. Danni had her hand on Angie’s leg, and Angie was holding onto her fingers. They were holding hands. 

Ellen sat in the armchair she had helped Peter pick out and held her own hands tightly in her lap, with her right side turned ahead, shielding her left from view. 

“Angie,” Peter said gently. As promised, he was right beside Ellen, and he sat on the edge of the arm of the chair, also slightly in front of her. Another shield. 

Angie just blinked and stared. Danni gripped her hand tightly. 

“Ellen’s come back,” Danni finally said softly. She had glanced at Peter and he seemed to be thinking of what exactly to say. Danni knew she could step in. She knew they had asked for her to be there for that reason. “She wanted to see you.”

“What…what’s wrong with her?” Angie asked, finding her voice as she stared at Ellen’s vacant blue eyes. However, Angie knew the answer to her question as soon as Ellen’s deep blue eyes – eyes that always bore so much knowledge and social intelligence – became very focused, very quickly. They zeroed straight in on her. 

“Nothing, nothing’s wrong,” Danni continued in a soothing voice when she felt Angie’s thigh tense. Her nails were digging into Danni’s palm. “Just nervous.”

“Can she talk?” Angie asked. She narrowed her eyes and stared at Ellen. “Can you talk?” she asked her. “Can you even talk to me?”

“Y-y-yeah,” Ellen said in a choked, pained voice. She cleared her throat and nodded, growing in confidence as the seconds passed. “Yes, Angie, I can talk.”

“Jesus,” Angie said. Up until then, she had been able to imagine the woman in front of her was some kind of vegetable, or a zombie, or a hallucination. She was real.

“Ellen’s living here,” Danni said. “With Peter. This is her house here too.”

“Huh?” Angie asked. She stared at Peter with wide, unblinking eyes. He rubbed his sweaty palms up and down the thighs of his jeans and nodded. 

“It’s true,” he said. “Elle’s been living here with me since the night you all helped move me in. We’re in love, Angie. This is our home, for the time being.”

“What?” Angie asked, her voice so quiet and firm it was barely audible.

“I think whatever ‘part two’ of today’s talk is you should get there quickly,” Danni said to Peter and Ellen when Angie’s grip on her own hand tightened past the pain threshold. Angie was very quietly winding herself up like the boys’ jack-in-the-box, but there wasn’t a fun circus tune as an accompaniment, and it wasn’t a cute little black and white puppy that would burst forth when she finally blew her top.

Then just as suddenly the pressure was gone. Angie let go of Danni’s hand and shook her head. She stood quickly and leant over to get her bag. 

“No, no, I’m going,” she said. “I’m going.”

“Angie, don’t, please,” Danni said. “I can’t let you leave.” She reached up and locked her fingers around one of the belt buckles on Angie’s jeans. Angie froze.

“Let go of me Danni,” she mumbled angrily without turning around. “I don’t care what they made you promise.” Her face flushed as she glared at Peter. 

“I’m not going to let go of you,” Danni said carefully. “We’re going to sit down and listen to Peter and Ellen talk to us about some things.”

“She doesn’t even talk!” Angie said in a huff as she gestured with her bag in Ellen’s direction. The bag swung out but it wasn’t meant as anything untoward and it was safely far away from Ellen; still, she flinched. Angie chuckled once she realised what was actually going on. “She’s afraid of me?” she asked Peter. “What did you do, tell her I hated her? That I would never forgive her selfishness? That I go to kickboxing to beat the shit out of her? That I don’t remember why we were friends?”

“Angie,” Danni said gently. 

“No hang on,” Angie said. She dropped her bag to the floor with a thud and put her hands on her hips. She looked squarely into Peter’s eyes. “You outright lied to me, Church! Did you tell this woman – sitting on the couch behind you like she needs you to protect her, ha! – that yesterday I stood right in front of you and asked why you were so happy and what had changed and you said nothing about this? Did you ask me that question about whether or not I thought Mac had failed us so that you could come back here and tell her what I said? Did you tell her what I said about Shane?”

“I did actually,” Peter said with a frown. “And frankly I didn’t appreciate it.”

“You didn’t appreciate it?” Angie asked in a huff.

“What’s Shane got to do with it?” Danni asked. 

“Oh!” Angie said. “I said at least Shane left a note before he blew his brains out in full view of the dam where his brother’s ashes are scattered.”

“I tried to write a note,” Ellen said suddenly. She was trapped in her position curled up on the couch but her eyes were alert and her brow was pinched in concentration; at least Angie’s stroppy voice helped to block out the pain in her arm. 

“What?” Angie had asked. 

“I tried to write to you to explain,” Ellen said. “But every time I did write a letter I ended up saying I’m sorry and goodbye. I realised I was writing suicide notes and I hadn’t meant to do that, so I burned them and I never tried again.”

“Well maybe you should have,” Angie snapped quickly. “Just like Shane.”

“Angie!” Peter said on a gasp as he stood. 

Ellen reached up with her right arm and latched her own fingers into the back of his jeans. It was an effective stopper even though it effectively froze her left arm. 

Now or never, she thought. She had to take charge before somebody started throwing punches or said something that they couldn’t recover from or forgive. 

She stood and moved away from the armchair, closer to the back door. With her back to them so that they could not see her wince, she forced her left arm to stretch out and rest by her side. The pain peaked but subsided. She took a deep breath in her own private bubble of space, she clasped her now numb, tingling left forearm tightly in a white-knuckled grip, and then she turned to face the silent waiting room.

“I need to tell you all something,” Ellen said. She glanced at Danni as well. 

Danni just nodded. She was intensely curious but proud of Ellen for getting back onto her feet, and with colour in her cheeks too. She was clearly in serious pain. Whatever Ellen had to say, Danni could handle it. They all would simply handle it.

“Mac-” Angie’s voice was softer; all of a sudden she was less certain of what was happening. She had seen Ellen’s pained face in the reflection of the back door even with the afternoon sun streaking in, and she could see Ellen holding onto her own arm very tightly. Had she been shot? Was she sick? Was she the one who had cancer? What if she was dying? Angie didn’t want that. She never wanted that. 

Tears filled her blue eyes as she stared at her old boss. A few minutes earlier she had barely been recognizable, just a tall, thin woman with brown hair and blue eyes who looked a bit like someone Angie used to know. Not anymore. It was her.

“Peter, sit,” Ellen said plainly. 

Angie’s eyes skirted back to Peter. He was standing directly opposite Angie, on the other side of the coffee table, but there was no longer anyone holding onto the back of his pants to keep him there. He was frozen. He was staring back at her. 

Yet he did sit, and Angie knew that at another time, in another place, she might have made a joke about him being whipped. Oscar definitely would have.

“Angie, sit down,” Ellen said then. 

Danni tugged on Angie’s jeans but Angie resisted at first. Why should she follow orders? She stared into Ellen’s eyes but those eyes gave nothing away. They were like the depths of a pristine ocean; blue on the surface but the colour reflected outward was so strong and vibrant that no one could see anything hidden beneath.

“Please sit,” Ellen said again. Ellen was torn between showing Angie a flicker of the vulnerability that she was feeling or trying to act like the boss of the room, but she did not think that Angie would respond to weakness. She certainly hadn’t reacted well when Ellen first entered. So it was time to show some strength and authority, and if Angie had a problem with that then so be it, and if Ellen had to sit under a hot shower for an hour that night to loosen up her arm, then that was also fine.

Angie looked over at Peter, who was sitting quietly and patiently. He was also concentrating very distinctly on the black mini-cassette recorder sitting on the coffee table. Angie got the feeling that Danni was suddenly looking at it too, even though she couldn’t see Danni’s face; her hand on Angie’s jeans had slackened. Angie glanced back at Ellen. Ellen just pursed her lips, raised a dark eyebrow, and waited.

Angie knew that face. That was her often-used, ‘I’m waiting for everyone to finish talking so that I can start this briefing…that means you Peter Church’ face.

Angie sat.

Ellen steeled herself, but she was not about to waste any more time. She wanted it done, she wanted this burden off her shoulders and she wanted her whole heart back; she wanted this bitch of a history lesson off her chest, dammit!

“I’m going to tell you a story,” she said firmly. “It is confidential. It does not leave this room. Part of it is on tape. You’re going to listen quietly to the whole thing and then you may talk. If you would like to leave without talking, you can.”

*


	35. Chapter 35

THIRTY-FIVE

‘Are you sure you’re comfortable with me recording?’ Ellen asked. 

‘Yeah Mac,’ Oscar said. ‘Make me a copy? Something to remember you by.’

‘Oh what, the dulcet tones of my voice to lull you to sleep?’ she said with a soft laugh. ‘I take it by that comment, however, that you have come to a decision?’

‘Yes,’ he said on a sigh. ‘I know it’s not what you recommend-’

‘We can protect you here,’ she said. ‘I can protect you, Oscar.’

‘I’d like you to protect me elsewhere,’ he said. ‘Please.’

‘I’m prepared to do that,’ she said carefully. ‘I’ve started making preliminary, uh, inquiries. This wouldn’t be official, you understand. It’s going to require-’

‘Money,’ Oscar said.

‘I was going to say tact!’ Ellen replied with a chuckle. ‘But yes, money too. Don’t worry about that though, it’s taken care of.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes. If you disappear and there’s a chunk of cash missing from your bank account how is that going to look? We have to move quickly, Oscar. You know that, don’t you? You can’t withdraw twenty dollars every week and get to where we need to be-’

‘I understand that. I’m gonna be a poor, unemployed, sorry-for-myself son of a bitch in not time.’

‘Why do you want this?’ she asked. ‘Tell me exactly. I have a duty of care to protect you Oscar, to make the best decisions for your wellbeing and safety, so I need you to tell me very clearly-’

‘Is that why you’re recording?’ he asked with a laugh. ‘In case I come back in five years and try to sue you?’

‘Yes,’ Ellen said very simply. ‘So talk, Stone.’

‘Mac, I promise.’ He hesitated, took a deep breath, and then began. ‘Um, okay. You said there were some issues financially with the unit and we all know that, I mean the tech gear alone…and this guy, these people who have been following me-’

‘No names on the tape,’ Ellen said quickly.

‘Okay, yeah no, okay. So…but there is information about me getting onto the street. You’re absolutely sure about that?’

‘Yes. Contrary to what you all think of me sitting in this office, I do still have informants. And two of them like me so much that when I put a quick, ‘Hey, how’s it going, any tips?’ call to them, they volunteered the information. ‘Just thought you’d like to know someone’s getting chatty about you lot.’ Your name, your job, your general appearance – and don’t worry you’ll have protection at home until this happens even if I have to do it myself – but the uh…the worst part of that is uh-’

‘That the person responsible works here.’

‘Yes,’ Ellen said. ‘That’s definite now. I am absolutely certain.’

‘Why?’

‘Because two of the phone calls to your house that you highlighted for me came from a phone linked to this address. Also…my informant had heard information about me, too.’

‘What? Mac! What sort of information?’

‘Nothing identifiable. Just that there was ‘some bitch’ running ‘the place’, and my snitch had heard my general description and he got a bit of an idea where this place was as well. My name is still protected, I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I can handle the unit as well. What we need to talk about is what’s going to happen to you.’

‘I’d like to go out in style,’ Oscar said, laughing. ‘The details are up to you.’

‘Gee, thank you,’ Ellen said with a wry, unimpressed voice. 

‘There has to be some perks of being the boss!’ he said, still teasing. ‘But seriously Mac, whatever works. I don’t want anyone going back up to my family, my property, threatening them…I don’t want anyone to come after any of you.’

‘Have you talked to your family about this?’

‘No Mac. I haven’t spoken to anyone, like we agreed. Not even Ange. I mean, we haven’t been that close lately but I hope she knows…I don’t want to hurt her.’

‘She knows, Oscar,’ Ellen assured him softly. ‘What do you want to get out of this? You realise this must be permanent, don’t you? You cannot come back from this. You cannot do that to your family, or to your friends.’

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Look Mac, you want me to tell you why I’d rather go with this option than have you all protect me as part of a relocation-’

‘Either way you’d be changing your name again.’

‘I know that. Um…wow, this is really hard actually. Okay. I’m tired?’

‘Of the job?’ Ellen asked.

‘Yeah Mac, and of life. I feel like an old guy. I’m missing one testicle already and God only knows how long I’ll get to keep the other. I’ve got a clean bill of health right now but what happens if the cancer comes back and I die an undercover police officer who hasn’t achieved anything that he ever really wanted?’

‘Oscar, you have achieved so much. You’ve helped so many people. I know it doesn’t feel like it most of the time but we change lives here. We do good work.’

‘I know Mac, I do. I don’t mean to make it sound like we all sit here wasting our time when really we’re mostly trying to bust organized crime and stop kids getting their hands on drugs or guns…not to mention trying to stop Church getting himself killed every other month.’

‘Hey, I’ve almost gotten killed once or twice!’ Ellen reminded him with a laugh. Oscar joined her. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said suddenly. ‘I’m trying to lighten the mood.’

‘I see that. Thank you.’

‘The bottom line is you’re telling me you want out of the job,’ Ellen said.

‘Yes. Mac, I love this job…and I love all of you. I never told you this but I so respect you, you’re the best boss, and I will never be able to thank you enough for-’

‘Let’s leave that for when we need to say goodbye, all right?’ she asked. 

‘Okay. I want some kind of quality of life before I die, Mac. Maybe that will be fifty years from now; maybe it will be five years from now. Whenever it happens, by that time I want to have found some peace. I need to go and travel, I need to see things and meet people and I need to not be so stressed that I can’t appreciate a good sunrise…maybe I’ll even get a dog. I love dogs. Oh, and I can go horse-riding. I want a simple life, that’s all.’

‘It will be lonely,’ Ellen said seriously. ‘What you’re asking is for me to sanction something that will permanently remove you from your family, from your parents and brothers and any wives or children they might acquire in the future. It will also permanently remove you from us, and any friends you have inside or outside of the police force. You must leave the area. You must take responsibility for your own safety, and I hate to put this on you, but mine as well. If they find out we did this-’

‘You’ll be out of the force and on your ass in a day for professional misconduct, I know that.’

‘Oscar, this is a hard thing to do,’ Ellen said. ‘I’m not even going to know your name. I won’t be able to find you.’

‘What if I made an email address you could contact me at?’ he asked. ‘It would just be something stupid like waggleblom at Hotmail.’

‘Waggleblom?’ Ellen asked, laughing loudly. ‘No, no emails! That just makes it harder. What if I need to email to say that your parents die in a car accident, or that Angie is killed on the job, or that I have a car accident and break my hip…what happens if you are able to know these things and not contact us, and not come back?’  
‘I guess that would drive me crazy,’ he admitted softly.

‘The not knowing will also drive you crazy,’ she told him. ‘You need to be strong. You need to be sure that you can handle this. You need to have a plan for how you are going to land on your feet and keep moving forward. Can you do that, in a week or two?’

‘You can keep the unit open for that much longer without compromising security or your own safety?’

‘Yes I can,’ she said. ‘A week would be better, in terms of those things.’

‘What will happen to you all?’

‘Dump the staff, relocation, rehiring, possible restructuring.’

‘I am so sorry Mac.’

‘Oh trust me,’ she said with a laugh. ‘This is not your fault. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this for another year, but you can never be quite sure how HQ will react when they see the books…until you know exactly how HQ are going to react when they see the books.’

‘So we’re in deep doggy-do-do, in other words. Always were?’

‘Always have been,’ she admitted softly. ‘And politics and policies change, you know? Times change. That doesn’t mean I won’t help you, if you are sure.’

‘If my name wasn’t already out there I’d just retire and walk away and still see you all, you know that?’

‘I know Oscar,’ Ellen said. ‘My informants are incredibly trustworthy, at least to me. One of them was particularly concerned for us, and the circles he runs in…I believe him. He was worried about me. He heard the story, he knew who they were talking about. He recounted parts of who and what we are in too much strikingly accurate detail for him to have simply made it up. We need to move.’

‘Then I don’t want to move with you,’ Oscar said. ‘I want to start over. I know this puts you in a difficult position but I didn’t want to just disappear and not let you know. I didn’t want to put you in that position where you felt like I was missing or maybe something had happened to me, and really I’d just run away because I wanted a different life…I owe you more than that, Mac. I owe you everything. Also, I need papers – legal papers so I can drive and work and get healthcare – and you’re the only one who can arrange that outside of official channels. We can’t go official because if my information is out there, if it’s coming from in here, then that’s what they would expect us to do, right? Disappear me into protection? Then it becomes unsafe.’

‘Do you really think that you will be safer and happier on your own?’

‘Yes,’ Oscar said. ‘This is really difficult, but I know it’s what I want. I need to try, for my own sanity. I’ve been here, what, six years?’

‘A long time.’

‘Not as long as Church.’

‘No one has been here as long as Peter.’

‘I dunno how he does it, to be honest. All that time, no wife, no kids, seems totally sane most of the time-’

‘Peter is naturally gifted and unusually resilient,’ Ellen said. ‘But it does wear on him. It wears on all of us, I promise. Are those things you want, Oscar? A family?’

‘I’d like to see if it’s an option, yeah, and it’s not an option while I’m still working here. Ask Danni, she’ll tell you.’

‘Danni?’

‘When she started here she was living with that guy, remember? A few years back? That busted up within weeks. And then there was that whole deal with her and Pete having a bit of a fling and getting pregnant and that busted up pretty quick-’

‘She had to have a termination, Oscar, for medical reasons. The, uh, child-’

‘You can’t even say the word baby, can ya?’ Oscar asked, teasing her gently with a laugh. ‘God, could you imagine if it had worked? Baby Church, argh! But sorry Mac, I know it was a random defect thing and it had to be done and I know it’s not a joke. It’s just hard to have those things in this job. Real tough. Can I be honest?’

‘I think if you can’t be honest with me now then you don’t have many more opportunities, so go right ahead.’

‘A couple of years ago,’ he said gently. ‘Me and Ange…There was that day you walked into the locker room and we were, uh, fooling around.’

‘Is that what they’re calling it?’ Ellen quipped. ‘It looked to me like you had her on her back on the floor and she was laughing and you were about to kiss her.’

‘Yeah well, maybe, but we really were only playing and messing around until about two seconds before you stepped in and opened your big mouth.’

‘Sorry I spoiled the moment,’ she said with a laugh. 

‘No it’s just…I thought we maybe could have had something, that’s all. But see, the thing is, it’s the job. I knew she didn’t want to leave it yet and I just…we wanted different things and we probably still do. It’s not easy to have relationships with people on the job, you know? We all work hard and it can get messy.’

‘I do know that,’ Ellen said. ‘I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s a safety issue.’

‘Yeah. Um…can you tell her, though?’ he asked.

‘Tell her what?’ 

‘That I, you know, care about her.’

‘Tell her yourself!’ Ellen said. ‘You’re not dead yet, Oscar.’

‘No, I mean…after.’

‘Oscar, I cannot give Angie or anyone else any indication whatsoever that you or I saw this coming.’

‘Oh, right, yeah of course not. Never mind. I’ll try to say something to her…you know, I’ll just be kind to her or something. So she knows we’re mates.’

‘She knows,’ Ellen said softly. ‘Believe me Oscar, she knows.’

‘Okay good. So…you said you’d made some preliminary inquiries? What sort of exit strategy are you thinking? I mean…we’re talking about my death, right?’

‘Oscar’s death, not yours. It will need to happen somewhere that we can get you away from other people quickly, before police or bystanders or any of those people we work with can get close. Maybe someplace like a hospital, where basically it’s like, ‘Oh he’s died…let’s get him covered up and move him out’.’

‘Shit,’ Oscar said on a sigh. ‘Yeah, yeah we could do that I guess. Um, Mac-’

‘Yeah?’ she asked.

‘You said I couldn’t draw a lot of money out of my account-’

‘I can get you some money to get yourself set up,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how much it would be, possibly a few thousand dollars. It won’t be a lot. It won’t be enough to travel and see the world.’

‘No, no, it’s only for food and shelter and stuff, you know? I’ll save up for all the rest. I’ll get a simple job and do it tough if it means that you and my folks and Angie and the rest are safe. I just can’t believe this is happening. When I came to you last week and told you I thought I was being followed and I’d gotten these weird calls…I kind of thought I was just being paranoid and that you were gonna laugh at me. I didn’t think it would be like this. Do you know why?’

‘Why this person we’re not mentioning on the tape has been leaking the information? I don’t know if it’s because of you, or me, or some other reason. We don’t have enough to charge him, not yet. If I can get him on something, anything, then I will. At the very least, he will never work for the Victorian Police ever again.’

‘How?’

‘I’ll flag his name. He’ll be dumped along with the rest of the other staff and if he does ever reapply – as long as he doesn’t change his own name – then he’ll be flagged and blocked and he won’t be told why. He’ll know why, though.’

‘Obviously. And um, my medical records…I’m gonna need those.’

‘Whose name are they all in?’

‘My legal name. Cameron Maxwell Pierce.’

‘I’ll need a list. I’ll need a list of your doctors. I’ll need a list of all the tests you’ve had, all the treatments…this will definitely take a week, maybe two.’

‘I can deal with that.’

‘You’re not allowed to say anything,’ she said firmly. ‘To anyone.’

‘I know Mac. I can talk to you about it though, can’t I? You and me? At night, when they’re all gone, like we’re doing now?’

‘Of course. I’d like that. This isn’t easy for me either. There are easier ways, Oscar. I need you to understand that before I start making things final. Once I start, I cannot go back. We cannot undo this. You are choosing the most difficult path for yourself and for your future.’

‘Mac, I’m pretty sure having cancer is the most difficult path. I’ve been there, and I’m only thirty-one. Thirty-one! I should be getting married and having kids. I should feel like I’m human, and I think I deserve to feel like I’m safe. I just want to wander off into the fields and sit off-road from now on. If you’re saying the unit is going to move too, and maybe you’ll all have to change your names again anyway, then that’s great for you guys because I really want you all to be safe too…but I’m tired, boss. Six years in this job, and I don’t want to lead an undercover life anymore.’

‘Then I’ll start making plans,’ Ellen said after a pause. ‘Tonight.’

‘You’ll keep me updated on what’s going to happen?’

‘Yes, and I’ll let you know when we have to go. It will be fast. Once everything is in place, once I’m sure we can go then we must go. I won’t be there when it happens, not right there, but I’ll be close and I hope I’ll be able to see you afterwards, even if it’s just for a minute, even if it’s just for one hug-’

‘Don’t cry Mac,’ Oscar said with a soft, sad chuckle. ‘Ah crap, I’m sorry. I’ve never seen you cry... Shit, this is hard for me too, but at the same time, it feels like the easiest decision I ever made. Does that make me selfish, do you think?’

‘No, not selfish,’ she said softly. ‘You’re like my little brother, it’s just sad. I don’t hold it against you and you should know that I never will. You’re making a hard choice, not the wrong one. So, Stone, I’ve got your back. You’re already using a name that’s not your own, I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be told you have cancer and to have to go through that operation and still you’re here at work, and you are young, and you should feel safe and happy. If you would like that life away from the police force, then…let’s just get it done and see what life throws up next, eh?’

‘Thank you Mac,’ he said. ‘Um…how are you gonna go?’

‘I’m gonna go like lightning to fix this as soon as possible before my name-’

‘No I mean…Pete, Ange, Danni…are they really just never gonna know?’

‘They’re never going to know,’ she said quickly and firmly. ‘Unless you’ve changed your mind and you do want me to tell them?’

‘No. Don’t tell them. They’re just gonna want to try to fix it and it’s not them and it’s not this place and it’s not security that’s the problem. If all this hadn’t happened, I’d probably still be sitting in this office telling you that I want to walk away. I would still walk away. You believe me, don’t you? You trust me?’

‘Always Oscar,’ Ellen said softly. ‘I trust you with my life.’

‘And I trust you with mine,’ he said. ‘End it. Please.’

*


	36. Chapter 36

THIRTY-SIX

The tape kept rolling after the recorded conversation had ended, and Ellen leant over to switch off the compact machine. She had been avoiding looking at anyone until then, and had instead preferred to turn her back and stare out of the back door. It was a nice day, actually. There were some clouds in the sky but it was mostly blue, and there was a breeze out there that was whipping leaves across the paved courtyard and rustling the few pot plants dotted around the inside fence. 

They were sealed inside though; just the four of them, and Ellen couldn’t hear the wind. She could barely hear anyone else breathing. 

With her attention returned to the tape player in her hand and the coffee table at her fingertips, she remained hunched over and looked back towards the armchair where Peter was sitting. He was the one who should have been the least surprised, because he had known everything he had just heard, and yet he had just heard it from Oscar’s mouth. That made it different and more challenging, because Peter had held Oscar in his arms thinking that he was dying, and for two years Peter had been trying to figure out what Oscar might have wanted to say to him in those last moments.

Now he knew for sure that Oscar had probably just been trying to say sorry.

Peter met her eyes with a look of acceptance that Ellen wasn’t sure she would have seen, but he pressed his lips together and nodded. He understood the position she had been in. Tears had filled his crystal-like blue eyes but Ellen thought that had more to do with Oscar’s voice, Oscar’s laugh, and Oscar’s words. 

She remembered what Peter had assured her of just that afternoon; Peter had reminded her that Oscar had come to her and Oscar had trusted her. 

There it was on the tape, they had all just heard it. If Ellen felt like she had needed it, it was at least proof that Peter hadn’t just been talking out of his ass to try to cheer her up. He couldn’t have known that though, he had only thought he knew Oscar that well, and she thought that was why he also looked just a little bit surprised. 

Angie and Danni were different, of course. There was no such thing as a little bit surprised for them. Once Ellen reassured herself that Peter was all right, that he was still present in the moment and that he was at least somewhat happy with what he had just heard, then Ellen turned her attention to the two women sitting on the couch. 

They were absolutely still, and they were both staring at the mini-cassette recorder that Ellen was still holding. She let it go and stood up straighter, preparing to talk, but it was Peter’s turn to reach to the back of her jeans. He stood and moved forward to lay a hand flat against her lower back. He silently urged her backwards to sit down in the chair he had been keeping warm for her. 

Before Angie and Danni could even look away from the lonely-looking device on the coffee table, Peter moved around to the other side of Ellen’s chair and grabbed her left shoulder. He held it tightly with his own left hand while his right started massaging across the shirt on her back, in underneath her shoulder blade. Ellen winced and wiggled her back around until it was comfortable, but apparently she had waited long enough for some kind of treatment for her arm, and she had to admit it worked almost immediately. At least the feeling in her fingers returned with a jolt.

“So that’s it,” she said when she felt enough time had passed. She had chosen to play the tape straight away, rather than to bumble through some kind of introduction, so she had barely spoken. She had let Oscar and her former self speak; they were far more powerful words than any she could offer in the present. 

“I wanted you all to know,” she simply added. 

“Wow,” Danni said, finally driven to speak. She leant forward and rubbed her chin and jaw. Her green eyes had filled with tears. At first, they had been tears of nostalgia and happy confusion, but then she had started to listen to what actually was being discussed and the nostalgia had been replaced by sadness, the confusion was no longer so happy. “Wow, that’s a lot of information to take in all at once.”

“It’s the first time I’ve heard it too,” Peter said softly from where he leant against the back of the couch, still massaging Ellen’s shoulder and also now her upper arm. He was gradually making his way down her arm and Ellen was doing her very best not to wince or groan or tell him how fucking fantastic it felt. She would make it up to him later. For the moment, she had to be switched on to what was happening for Danni and Angie, and she had to be professional. 

They were never meant to have known, and now they knew that as well.

“Wow,” Danni said again. 

Ellen’s eyes focused on Angie, who had opened and closed her mouth half a dozen times in the past minute. Her face and neck were flushed a bright red and Ellen couldn’t decide if she was mortified, angry, or heartbroken. Her blue eyes were still staring at the small, black recorder as though Oscar would soon appear from it like a genie to tell her to her face everything that he had once said to Ellen.

“So…” That was the only thing that managed to escape from Angie’s mouth before she closed it yet again. 

“So,” Danni echoed, taking over. She looked between Peter and Ellen carefully. “Was that conversation what I think it is? Was that…I mean…I can’t even believe I’m going to say this but…is Oscar not dead?”

“Oh my God,” Angie whispered at the sound of the question. She covered her nose and mouth with her palms as though she was praying and trying to not panic. 

“Oscar is not dead,” Ellen confirmed as gently as possible. “As long as he has been sensible and as long as he has remained healthy, then he is not dead.”

“Oh my God,” Angie said again. She shut her eyes and kept her hands on her face as she leant forward over her lap. Now she did look like she was praying, Ellen thought. Ellen did not blame her for that, not in the least. She had hope too.

“I didn’t cope with this secret as well as I should have,” she said. “Certainly not as well as I promised Oscar that I would. I snapped, I-”

“Felt like you failed us,” Angie said suddenly. She looked back up at Peter with wide eyes as her hands fell away from her face and came to a rest in her lap. “That’s what Peter asked me yesterday. He said the way he had come to terms with you leaving was because he decided to believe that you left because you thought that you had failed us. He said that he could understand, but he believed that you never failed us at all, and then he asked me if I thought you had failed us, and I proceeded to…oh my God, did you tell her?” she asked Peter. “Did you tell her what I said?”

“Only parts of it,” Ellen assured her kindly as she leant forward in the armchair to try to catch Angie’s eyes and draw her attention away from the man behind her. “He has not been spying on you for me, that’s not what this is.”

“No, just a bit of innocent pillow talk or something then,” Angie said. Tears filled her eyes as she gushed and a fresh flare of blush rose to her cheeks and ears. “I didn’t know,” she said as she laid the backs of her hand across her burning forehead.

“He didn’t want us to know?” Danni asked softly. 

Ellen shook her head.

“Why not?” she asked.

“I think if he knew that you knew that he was alive, it would be more tempting for him to one day decide to return. However, when I saw you all…I couldn’t look you in the eyes. I did the best that I could for Oscar, but it wasn’t the best for all of you. We were about to lose the unit, we’d lost our friend, and I got broken. I couldn’t stay and continue to be your boss, or your colleague, or someone you trusted. I ran.”

“Did you get your goodbye?” Angie asked tearfully. “On the tape, you said you wanted to see him, after…did you do that? I mean are you sure that he got up? Are you sure that he, that his heart was still beating?”

“Yes I did,” Ellen said on a serious whisper. “I did see him afterwards. He made a joke about having dried blood clumped in his chest hair for days, and I told him to use lemons. I said goodbye. I said goodbye for all of us. And then…”

“Then you snapped,” Danni said. “You couldn’t hold it together after that?”

“No Danni,” Ellen said as tears rushed to her own eyes. “I still don’t handle this memory well. I still am not able to reflect on how I was in the immediate aftermath, and…I know it’s nothing on all of you, I know this sounds selfish, but I hadn’t cried until then, and then I watched him walk away. I couldn’t stay, Danni.”

“But he’s alive,” Angie said as she wiped her eyes. “And you said goodbye.”

“Yes. I am so sorry you didn’t get that chance.”

“He could have come to us,” Danni said with a deepening frown. “We would have gotten him away from whatever the Hell was going on. I know you made that offer?”

“It was an option. He would change his name and come to us at HQ-”

“Wait, you were going to come to HQ with us?” Angie asked with wide eyes.

“Yes,” Ellen said. “I was trying to put it off for another year because I knew we functioned better on our own, but the finances weren’t good, and the situation got worse with all the payments I had to make for Oscar. I did hide where the expenses were going to, I used some creative writing skills, but it bankrupted the unit.”

“How is he surviving?” Angie asked. “Did he have a place to stay? Was he going to a hotel? How was he able to afford to do anything? All his assets, his money and stuff, it went back to his parents and into the property just like his Will said.”

“I gave him some money,” Ellen said. 

“Twenty grand out of her own mortgage,” Peter told them both. “Out of the profits from the sale of her home.”

“Peter,” Ellen said with a soft laugh as she rubbed her face and blushed. 

“Oh Mac,” Danni said. She bit her bottom lip and sat back against the cushions of the couch. “Did you really?”

“Do you know his name?” Angie asked, not allowing Ellen the opportunity to respond to Danni first. “Do you know what his name is?”

“No,” Ellen said. “I don’t know his name, I don’t know where he is. I’ve not heard from him again.”

“Of course not. How would he know where to find you if we didn’t?” Angie snapped in a sudden huff. “What about his family?”

“I hear you’ve seen them in the last month or so,” Ellen said. “I am so sorry about Shane. I take it they know nothing.”

“I came clean about the whole ‘Michelle’ lie though,” Angie said. “I told them I was a cop, I told them we were undercover, I told them we were never in a relationship… Did I put them in danger because of all this now, by telling them that?”

“Of course not Angie,” Ellen said with a kind smile. “And the danger is long passed. The person who was ultimately responsible was identified and flagged just like I said. He’s also since been charged for some other things, and he’s in jail.”

“You’re not going to tell us who it was?” Danni asked. When Ellen shook her head, Danni asked, “Why not?”

“Because ultimately he’s not important, and I’ve never wanted to dwell on the reasons why this all came to a head.”

“It is important though,” Danni reasoned. “Because if he didn’t threaten Oscar – I assume that’s what was happening – and if information wasn’t being leaked about you and him and the factory, then Oscar would have just quit and we still could have seen him. We might not have even had to move. Oscar might still be alive now, Ellen, but he would have been alive here, with us. I want to know the little prick’s name.”

“Me too,” Angie said. 

“Okay,” Ellen said on a sigh. “Look his name was Joel. You’re not going to remember him. He was one of our civilian contractors. I hired him, I vetted him, I was the one he was obsessed with, and he must have seen Oscar and I mucking about one day like buddies and took it to mean something it wasn’t-”

“What did he see you doing?” Angie asked with a sudden glare. 

“I have no idea,” Ellen said with a soft laugh. “The only thing I have ever been able to remember about Oscar and I together around that time, is this one morning I was having a rare conversation with him about his cancer, and maybe I was upset, I’m not too sure, but he put his arm around my shoulder and kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear that I worried too much and that it would be okay. That’s…one of my last memories of Oscar before he came to me with his problems. Is it possible we were seen? Of course. Honestly though, I just don’t know.”

“He kissed you on the cheek?” Angie asked. 

“Calm down,” Peter said with an easygoing laugh. “I kiss you on the cheek all the bloody time.”

“Oh, would you stop putting words in my mouth?” she asked him on a growl. “I just meant that’s nice. I just meant that’s a nice moment for Mac to remember.”

“Thank you Angie,” Ellen said, frankly stunned that Angie had anything nice to say at all, but she was also clearly still in shock and the anger hadn’t quite had time to take hold as yet. At least she and Danni were both still there, sitting, relatively calm. At least they hadn’t both stormed out, and they were talking.

Ellen would sit there with them for as long as necessary.

“So this Joel guy,” Peter said suddenly. “Who I’m sorry but like you said, Elle, I don’t remember that name at all…he wasn’t obsessed with Oscar, he was obsessed with you? And some of your information was leaked out as well?” 

“Uh, yeah,” Ellen said. She glanced up at him and raised her eyebrows as innocently as possible. “Did I not mention that? Oh well, I wasn’t being followed or harassed, and the issue with Oscar’s more detailed information being leaked took priority. It took over everything, in the end. I barely slept for the next week, I knew what was going to happen – in fact I planned it in meticulous detail, let’s just put that truth out there right away – and I had to go on as normal…even Oscar didn’t know exactly what was going to happen until right beforehand. No one could know.”

“All the hospital staff with him,” Danni said. “All the people who do our licences and passports and stuff-”

“They were all vetted and paid,” Ellen said. “I checked all of the records myself without access to Oscar’s actual new details-”

“But they all knew his name.”

“Yes,” Ellen said. 

“Isn’t that quite a big quality control problem?” Danni asked. “If they all knew his name, and you didn’t, and you were checking these, like, encrypted pathways or something to make sure everything linked up properly in the computer, all his medical records even…Elle, that’s huge.”

“Why does everyone keep calling you Elle or Ellen?” Angie asked suddenly with a funny frown on her face, as though she had only just noticed. 

“Uh, Peter’s called me that since the moment he saw me,” Ellen said. “I asked Danni to use my name – Ellen Mackenzie is now my legal name – because I don’t want to be ‘Mac’ anymore. I resigned officially two months ago now and-”

“Two months?” Angie asked. 

“She never quit, Ange,” Peter said softly. “She was on leave, like I am now. They offered her a job back at State Intelligence and she turned it down.”

“What?” Angie asked with wide eyes as she stared at Ellen. “State Intelligence?”

“They wanted me to run a desk coordinating between SI and Covert Services.”

“Us, in other words,” Angie said. “Or me, it’s just me now. I’m the last one.”

“I didn’t know that then,” Ellen said. “I didn’t know if you and Peter and Danni were still together, or if you were still in Covert Services, or what the situation was that I might be coming back to. I decided to resign instead. So I’m not ‘Mac’ anymore, not in my own heart and mind, but you can still call me that if you like. It doesn’t bother me as much as forgetting to call me Ellen seems to bother Danni.”

“Ha!” Danni said as she nonetheless laughed at the joke and caught Ellen’s bemused blue eyes. Ellen grinned playfully and poked her tongue at her just briefly, to try to let Danni know that she knew this was hard. She could lighten the mood with the odd joke too.

“Look,” Ellen said. “When I first told Peter about this, he asked me if I realised how traumatised you all had been by the decisions I made. The short answer is yes. I told Oscar that I owed him a duty of care and I owed the same duty to all of you as well, absolutely. Peter was never meant to be that close to Oscar when it happened. So, I have practiced trying to explain this to you all so many times, and I’ve thought about the most important thing I wanted you to realise, even if you choose not to understand this and not to forgive me and not to stay here. So here goes.

“The only thing I want you to believe is that I did my absolute best for Oscar in that week, and I would have done the same thing for any of you. Oscar didn’t sit opposite my desk and ask me to end his life, which is what he said on the tape; he asked me to save it. I gave everything in that last week, everything I had, and it wasn’t until afterwards that I came to the conclusion that I had been trying so hard to make it easy and safe for him to get away so that he could start a new life that I also desperately, undeniably wanted for myself as well. Once he was gone, I was left.”

“And then a chance came up to have that break from reality with Gene and you took it,” Danni said. “You were burnt out?”

“Yes,” Ellen whispered. 

“Can I ask a question?” Angie asked softly. She looked directly into Ellen’s eyes and licked her lips as Ellen nodded. Angie took a deep breath and mimicked her. “Um,” she began. “You resigned two months ago…you’ve been here since we helped move the rest of Pete’s stuff here that night?”

“He found me in the early hours of that morning,” Ellen said. “By accident, or coincidence. I was squatting in the factory so that I could use part of it as a dark room for the photographs I’d taken of the old place. Pete went there to think on his walk.”

Angie’s mouth dropped open. She remembered that throwaway line from one his phone calls. ‘I might go for a walk to clear my head,’ or something like that. 

“And you’re in a relationship?” she asked, looking between them. “Since when?”

“Since pretty much straight away,” Peter said. “It’s the real deal, Ange. We’re not just messing around again. I love her. I’m in love with her.”

“But what if she leaves again?” Angie asked. She turned to Ellen and said, “You broke his heart, Mac”.

“I’m aware of that,” Ellen said calmly. “Mine wasn’t in great shape either, Angie. I will not leave again. I’m in love with him too. This is too important. You are all too important. I’ve missed you.” 

Angie’s blue eyes filled with tears as their eye contact lingered despite the sudden silence stretching out between them. It was then that she stood up, grabbed her bag, and left. Peter and Danni went to stand and get her back but Ellen stopped them. 

“No, let her go. You didn’t hear it, but she just told me she’s missed me too.”

*


	37. Chapter 37

THIRTY-SEVEN

“Thanks for staying,” Peter said to Danni as they stood on either side of the island bench in the kitchen an hour later. Ellen was in the shower down the hall trying to loosen up her arm and shoulder, and had been in there with the water running for half an hour. Peter suspected she was also crying, but he wanted to leave her be. “I know you’re missing bed time with the babies,” he told Danni instead.

“I get to tuck them into bed every night,” she said. “I’ll have plenty more chances, and Tony loves doing that kind of stuff. He’s usually the last one to say goodnight. If Angie calls I might need to go to her.”

“Of course,” Peter said with a nod. “So…Sorry I didn’t tell you. She sort of wasn’t really even ready to talk to me about it when I ran into her, but she had to. I was trying to give her some time before she had to go back to those memories with you and Ange…and you took it off the table pretty quickly from the start, actually.”

“I did, I told Ellen we didn’t have to talk about the past and she was incredibly grateful and now I know why.”

“She’s a good person, Danni.”

“Oh Peter!” Danni said with a laugh. She walked around the bench and gave his back a rub. “I know that, you silly man! She put Oscar first and she put all of us first and she burnt herself into the ground. As if I didn’t see that coming? You knew that’s what had happened before she even turned up in our lives again. I did too.”

“It was hard not to tell you about Oscar,” Peter said. “But at the same time it doesn’t change anything, you know? It answers the questions I had; all the memories I used to look back on and feel like there was something I was just not able to see that might help me understand. It turns out I just wasn’t paying any attention to Ellen, none of us were. But even knowing this, he’s still gone. He’s still not coming back.”

Danni’s mobile phone beeped in her handbag just as Ellen padded down the hallway in long pyjama pants and a singlet top. 

“Danni!” she said, surprised to find Danni still in her house. Danni offered her a smile as she strode to the handbag still beside the couch. She picked up the phone as Peter walked over to Ellen and gave her a hug. Her skin was damp and warm and soft.

“How’s the arm?” he asked softly.

“Much better,” she said with a gentle smile. She leant forward for a quick kiss. “Thank you for the massage earlier, and the hot water…now that I’ve actually told-”

“It’s from Angie,” Danni said as she walked over to them with her phone held to her face. She was scrolling and frowning. “It’s really, really long,” she said finally. “It’s an essay. Oh Ange! I’ll read it?”

“If you think you should,” Peter said. “Is she okay? Do you need to go?”

“Shh, no. Okay, it says, ‘Hi Danni. Sorry about walking out. I can’t talk right now so I’m going to type all this out. I just wanted to let you know I’m okay in case you’re worried. I’m driving up to the Pierce property, probably for a week. Don’t freak out, I’m not going to say anything or be stupid! I just need to go and surprise Shirley and give her a hug and spend some time with the horses. I need to go riding. 

“Are you still at Ellen and Pete’s? (Wow that’s weird to say!) Can you please tell Ellen/Elle/Ellie/what-do-I-call-her? What do YOU call her? What the fuck? …Anyway, I’m sorry she didn’t feel like she could come to me months ago when she got back, or even before then when she first knew she wanted to. She should have left a note or said goodbye to us but I think the tape helped? I don’t know how I feel, I’m so confused, and mad, and so sad, but I didn’t mean to tell her that she should try to kill herself again. Could you please, please tell her that? I don’t want her to do that. 

“And tell Peter that I am very mad at him for baiting me to talk about her behind her back, and how dare he be so fucking happy and get to have the love of his life by his side every day for the rest of his life? If he doesn’t know how lucky he is that Oscar’s name went public instead of Mac’s then he doesn’t deserve her. I wish it was like that. I am sitting here wishing she was the one who had to go, she was the one who got shot, like in Peter’s dream…is that bad? Is it bad that I wish it was true?

“I’m sorry I walked out. I’m not mad that you knew and didn’t tell me. I still want to be friends, I still love you and Tony and your boys. I can’t believe you got married yesterday. My world just exploded! So I’m just going to go and ride my best friend’s horses and hold his mum and tell her again how much I love him. I probably won’t make dinner with your brother on Wednesday as promised. Sorry. Ange. 

“PS. Oh my God she’s your wedding photographer, isn’t she? The ones you showed me all insistent-like? And she wasn’t there yesterday because of me? I’m sorry Danni. I’ll call you once I regain the power of speech.’

“That’s it,” Danni said as she finished reading. “That must have taken her twenty minutes to type out at least.”

“You should write back to her,” Ellen said gently as she took a deep breath and tried to calm her racing heart. 

“What on earth can I possibly say to make this better?” Danni asked helplessly as she stared at Ellen’s dark, wet hair combed straight and tucked behind her ears, and fair face, still pink from the hot water. 

“Tell her that she doesn’t need to apologise,” Ellen said, as Danni quickly began typing into her phone. “Tell her that this is my doing but that I am not going to hurt myself. No guns. I am not going anywhere. Also, Peter is sorry that he upset her and lied to her. Tell her that he’s always been pretty fucking lucky seeing as how he’s still alive after all these years of being a bumble-brain-”

“Oi!” Peter said, feigning hurt as Danni laughed and continued typing. 

“Also say…” Ellen hesitated to think while she grinned at them. “That yes, I took the wedding photos but it’s not her fault I wasn’t there. Also, enjoy the horses. Oh, and drive safely because it’s getting dark! Watch for kangaroos, and call anytime, no matter what. She can call any of us, including me. Give her all our numbers.”

“O-kay,” Danni said softly after another few minutes, just as she finished typing. “Read ‘em out. Peter, your mobile number first. I want Elle’s number to be the last thing she sees.” 

They rattled off their telephone numbers as Danni typed. 

“Done,” she declared. “It sent. Okay, thanks guys. My mind is also too blown right now to type actual original sentences-”

“And yet they’re still coming out of your mouth,” Peter said wryly.

“My mouth has a mind of its own, didn’t you know?” Danni shot back with a quick snigger. “But okay, it’s getting late and if I leave now I still make tuck-in time with the twins. I should probably leave the two of you alone as well; you probably want to talk. I just wanted to make sure that you were both coping… Ellen, you’re all right? You looked really bad for a while there, like you were in a lot of pain.”

“My arm was malfunctioning,” Ellen said with a wise smirk. “It doesn’t have very good timing and I was way too tense. Thank you for being so strong Danni, again. I’m sure Angie appreciates it too.”

“That’s okay,” Danni said softly, thoughtfully.

“Are you okay?” Peter asked her. 

“Um…what do I tell Tony?” she asked them. “He’s my husband.”

“Oh, the photos!” Peter declared. He jogged down the hallway to their room. “I’ll get the USBs and shit! Ellie showed me this morning, they are brilliant!”

“He is your biggest fan,” Danni mumbled to Ellen with a smirk.

“I know, and I know Tony now,” Ellen said, as she focused on Danni. “You can tell him. Just say that it turns out Oscar left for his own protection and that I knew and helped to arrange it, and it’s part of the reason why I left as well. He has a new name and none of us know where he is. That’s all you need to say. Would that work?”

“Yes, I think so,” Danni said softly. “It’s true, isn’t it?”

“It’s true,” Ellen confirmed again. “I’ve kept this from you for a long time.”

“Oscar asked you to,” Danni said. 

“He didn’t want you all to know, or think, that he was choosing to leave you.”

“I will tell Tony this, Ellen. I trust him.”

“I know,” Ellen said with a gentle smile. “That is absolutely fine. I do too-”

Danni’s phone beeped again. She read the new message and started to laugh. 

“What?” Peter asked as he jogged back down the hallway to them with a large envelope in his hands. He frowned at Danni and put a steady hand on Ellen’s back.

“It’s Angie,” Danni said, cackling. “It says, ‘Thanks for replying, Ellen’. Ha!”

*

“So,” Peter said when he walked back into the kitchen after seeing Danni out, only to find Ellen sitting up on the kitchen bench swinging her legs off the side. “Do we just go on as normal now? Cook dinner, go to bed, get up tomorrow, keep going?”  
“I guess,” she said. “Are you feeling anti-climactic, sweetheart?”

“A little bit,” he said. “Or maybe I’m just tired. You think Angie hates me?”

“Probably,” Ellen said as she looked him in the eyes and held an arm out for him to come closer and settle between her thighs. She laid her hands on his chest and hooked her ankles around his calves, and she smiled as he held her hips and slid her another inch forward to sit closer to the edge of the bench. “But Angie has allowed herself to hate me for two years. She’ll probably hate you for two weeks. Get over it.”

“Very funny,” Peter said as he chuckled and affectionately rubbed her hips and thighs. “You were good today,” he said. 

“Yeah right!” Ellen said as she threw her head back and huffed mid-laugh. “I was trying so hard not to throw up from the shooting pain in my arm and pins and needles in my hand that I think Angie thought I was a vegetable fruitcake!”

“A vegetable fruitcake…is that like zucchini bread?”

“I’m serious!” Ellen said. “But once I could bring myself to focus and once I zoned out and just listened to myself talking with Oscar and put myself back in that moment two years ago, then thankfully a lot of the pain went away.”

“I was actually being serious as well,” Peter pointed out. “You went into ‘Mac’ mode as soon as you realised that’s who we all needed you to be. You answered their questions, very calmly, no bullshit. Danni and I both knew you were in a lot of pain, even I kind of froze up for awhile there because, I mean, Oscar’s voice-”

“I know, Peter,” Ellen whispered as she smiled and stroked his cheek and the curly, golden-grey hair at his temple. “I love you so much.”

“Yeah, and apparently I know how fucking lucky I am,” Peter said, mocking Angie’s huffy message and Ellen’s teasing reply to her. 

“You better.” Ellen grinned. “But believe me, I know how lucky I am as well. Imagine if I’d not been in the factory on that night, and by the time I felt ready enough to see you, you had sold the house? I know you had a plan to leave your forwarding address but I wouldn’t have gone looking for it; it would not have occurred to me that you might do that. I would still have all of this information pressing down on me, and I wouldn’t have you, and I suppose I’d be trying to get a job in admin or something…and I would simply be thankful that I was back here in the city. Now, well…now I’m thankful for a whole lot more than that!”

“Do you really think Angie will only be mad at me for two weeks?”

“Yes,” Ellen said. “And I don’t think she hates me.”

Peter rolled his eyes and huffed.

“That’s what I’ve been saying!” he said. “It’s just all jumbled up in her head and you were always the easy target because Oscar’s dead, or he was dead in her own mind; she couldn’t think badly of him. Now I don’t know what she thinks! That’s why I kept trying to get her to explain how she felt. I thought that if I kept asking her to talk, eventually all the problems and bad thoughts about different people and events would separate themselves out and she would use her own words to talk some sense into her brain about how she feels about you. It didn’t work, obviously, but argh!”

Ellen chuckled at Peter’s frustration. 

“Hey,” she said. “I’m sure you can explain that to her next time you talk.”

“Maybe you should explain it to her, but then again she did also just tell Danni that she wished you were the one who really did die, or at least pretended to die, in a hail of bullets just like the nightmare she knows I had nearly every night for two years up until two months ago, so…maybe take a bullet proof vest with you.”

“Ha-ha,” she said as she rolled her eyes. Still, that part of Angie’s text message had bothered her. She never wanted that to happen. She did not want to die. She particularly did not want to die from a gunshot wound. Peter would never survive it, it would be the third time that happened to a woman he loved; that would never do.

“Oh before I forget,” Peter said. “Danni thinks she might have a paying job lined up for you if you’re interested. One of Tony’s workmates is engaged and is hunting for a good photographer. They were really impressed with the three pictures that were on display yesterday and at the car just now I told Danni that she could select a few of the images we just gave her and get Tony to show him. Does that sound like something you might be interested in? A little paid work?”

“Yes of course!” Ellen said with a wide grin. She bit her bottom lip as her blue eyes sparkled with excitement. “Really? It’s so hard to break into the market-”

“You can always start small, see how you go. Word of mouth is a powerful thing, and if it brings in some pocket money and allows you to paint or take more creative and edgy photos on the side that you could exhibit…I just want you to be doing something that makes you happy. This seems like it could be it. The other day at the court you were in the zone and it was just a joy, Elle. You were a joy.”

“Thanks,” Ellen said as she chuckled softly and ducked her head. In truth, no one had ever called her that before. She never thought she had a very joyful personality, certainly not as a police officer and with all the responsibility she had always carried as part of that position. In the last month or so, however, she felt joyful. She was glad that Peter was paying attention. “You’ve been pretty happy yourself, Peter Church,” she said. Her right arm slid up his chest and around his neck, and Peter nodded as he leant forward for a deep, languid, lingering kiss. 

“I’m happy,” he said in a whisper as they parted. He pressed his forehead against hers and kept his eyes closed, savouring the way that she had wrapped herself around him. He could feel the rise and fall of her chest against his, and the beat of her heart at her neck where one of his hands had settled. She said his name. He was home.

*

“Wow,” Tony said as he lay in bed on his back and stared at the ceiling. 

“That’s what I said,” Danni replied. She lay down and mirrored his position.

“That’s intense,” he said.

“It was. I have the wedding pictures though, and we can market them.”

“Ha, yeah I’ll show a few to Hayden next week at work. Um…so Oscar is really out there somewhere now? Wandering around? Doing his own thing?”

“Apparently it’s what he wanted,” Danni said. “I heard it for myself because Ellen recorded one of their meetings, or at least only one that I know of.”

“Why did she record something that was obviously so top-secret she didn’t even tell you all about it?”

“Clarification perhaps? Or security? To cover herself if something went wrong? Or maybe it was just to keep a record because she knew this could be important and have long-term consequences.”

“That is a gigantic understatement,” Tony said with a chuckle. He looked over his shoulder at her profile and softened. “How do you feel about it?”

“Um…conflicted,” she admitted. “Now that it’s sunk in, I feel conflicted. I don’t blame Ellen, I’m not mad, even though she didn’t exactly do this by-the-book-”

“She’s way off-script if I understand this properly; you’re saying he’s not in protection in an official sense-”

“No, she just gave him a foolproof cover, had him apparently shot to pieces, and he walked off into the sunset while we were all left behind to publicly grieve.”

“Bugger me!” Tony said. Danni laughed and nodded, looking at him. 

“I don’t know how to feel about it now,” she said. “Not knowing if he’s okay, not knowing why he made that choice…We could have protected him, because it’s what we do; we band together and make sure everyone is safe and looked after-”

“How is Ellen doing?”

“She was positively ghostly when I arrived, but when I left she was good. She had an arm spasm and anxiety makes it worse…but she’s free now, Tony. She’s free.”

“I’m glad,” he said softly. “And the rest of you?”

“I don’t know, babe. I thought he was dead; it’s so final. I’ve grieved. I’ve been in therapy, for chrissakes! I’m on anti-depressants. Even Ben’s middle name is Oscar. It was over, and now it doesn’t seem like it is. It’s not over yet.”

“Do you want to try to find him?” Tony asked. 

Danni shrugged. She remembered him asking her that question multiple times over the past two years. ‘Do you want to find them?’ ‘Do you want to see them?’ ‘I could look for them?’ ‘Just to check that they’re okay, to ease your worries?’

Danni had always said no because she had been sure that Angie and Peter still had each other, and she had assumed that Ellen was safe and happy with her boyfriend, and that she had chosen to leave and to begin a new life and not return. However, Ellen had not chosen to leave in the same way that normal people choose to go to different places; she had fled a scene. She had been distraught and exhausted and vulnerable, and she ran and hid. None of them had truly been happy, not at all. 

Tony had also never asked those questions with Oscar in mind, because Oscar was dead. Except that he wasn’t, and Danni couldn’t make the same assumptions. Similar to Ellen, how could he possibly be okay, knowing what he had left behind?

Danni was braver and better now than she had been, she realised, when she found herself nodding. Yes, yes she did want to try to find him. She would try. 

*

Angie let her car roll to a stop beside Brad’s ute in the front yard of the Pierce farm. It was late on Sunday night. The sky was black but for its many stars, and all the lights on the front porch were on. Angie had seen the front door to the house open as she drove up and just once beeped her horn. They were expecting her, after all. 

She sat in her car for a long, quiet few seconds once her engine and headlights were switched off. She took a deep breath and then got out and opened her boot. Inside were two bags that contained everything that meant anything to her, including the twelve photographs of Oscar; still in their frames, but unclipped and stacked like books in one of her bags, next to a few actual books and a lot of her clothes. 

She slung the heaviest bag over her shoulder and picked up the lighter bag with one hand. The boot slammed shut and Angie briefly closed her eyes and fought back tears. She was doing the right thing, she knew she was, but she was scared about what it meant for the rest of her life and she felt ashamed for giving Ellen such a hard time for doing exactly this, in her own way. Angie needed space and she needed fresh air and she wanted to be somewhere safe, somewhere that could feel like a home. 

Angie tucked her long, blonde hair behind her ears and then took another deep breath and turned towards the house. She walked around the back of Brad’s ute and saw a short, plump, warm but lonely figure waiting for her. Oscar’s mum. She was wrapped in a thick shawl to guard against the late night chill. Angie had watched Shirley Pierce scatter her son’s ashes. It had looked so real. It had felt so awfully real. 

Angie took slow but deliberate steps forward, balancing her bags and trying not to rattle the important photographic contents of the bag slung over her shoulder, which was banging uncomfortably against her hip at every stride. She knew that she could never tell Shirley, Charlie and Brad what she knew about their son. If she did, they would be heartbroken and confused and yet nothing would actually change about their lives, because their son was still never coming home. It wasn’t worth it, and Angie could never betray Ellen in that way. She could never betray Oscar like that.

But it did not make her a bad person for also wanting to be close to them. 

“Hello Angie!” Shirley gushed in a gentle voice. She had been surprised by Angie’s call, but as soon as Angie asked to visit the answer had of course been yes.

“Hi Shirley,” Angie said. “Sorry for making you stay up so late.”

“Oh, that’s okay. I wanted to make sure you got here safely. The boys are in bed of course. Can I take one of your bags?”

“This one’s light,” Angie said as she handed over the bag in her hands. “Um, Shirley, I was wondering something.”

“What darling?” Shirley asked. She had taken the bag from Angie and with her free hand she was rubbing Angie’s upper arm in a soothing, warming way. Angie felt like crying. Her voice shook. Her eyes filled with tears. She felt sick. 

She felt sick to her stomach and she was running and she’d only known for seven hours. Ellen had known for years. No wonder she had looked like death. She had planned it too. Meticulously, she’d said. She had watched Oscar walk away, and Angie knew in her heart that Ellen had walked with him for as far as she could go. 

“I’m so sorry,” she said to Shirley, because Shirley was the only one there. Angie hoped Ellen heard her too, somehow. She would tell her again one day. In time.

“What for?” Shirley asked with a hopeful, teary smile. “Angel, what for?”

“I was wondering if I could stay here for awhile,” Angie said. “I don’t know how long really. I know we weren’t together but I loved your son, Shirley. I…I thought I’d talk to the local Sergeant about a secondment or transfer to the country.”

“Are you in trouble?” Shirley asked, concerned. Angie shook her head.

“No, nothing like that. I just want to be here more than I want to be there.”

“Then you can stay as long as you like,” Shirley said as she smiled. “I would like that too. This is your home out here. Cam would have wanted it that way.”

Angie hoped that wherever he was, he still did.

***


End file.
